Lost Soul (23 page)

“Ma’am, if you don’t mind me asking, did your babies have the same father?”

Jessica gaped at him as the realization dawned.
 
“Michael!
 
You think this has something to do with him?!”
 
Zach shrugged.
 
The assumption went without saying.

“Maybe we could talk to him about it.
 
Do you…still know him?” Zach asked gingerly.

Jessica nodded slowly.
 
“He still comes around sometimes.
 
We’ve never really had a normal relationship.
 
I think he loves me, but it’s like he has a whole other life he won’t let me into.”
 
Jessica gasped as she suddenly realized the implications.

“Oh my God!
 
What if it’s true?!
 
What if he knows what all this is about?!
 
But even he doesn’t know about the babies!”

Zach’s eyes bulged.
 
“You mean you never told him you aborted his babies?”

Jessica hung her head and covered her face in shame.
 
“No, I didn’t.
 
I had my reasons.
 
They seemed good at the time.
 
I’ve always regretted it — always.
 
It’s just something I have to live with.
 
I didn’t think telling him would help matters.”

“Ma’am…”

“Please, call me Jessica.
 
You said your name was Zach?”
 

He nodded.
 
“Jessica, where is Michael now?
 
Can we talk to him?
 
I have to know…”

Jessica nodded.
 
“I can call him.
 
I think I have to.
 
This is too much to deal with alone.
 
Come inside, Zach,” Jessica suggested, pulling herself up from the stairs.
 
The two entered the dark bungalow, a sharp contrast to the bright sunshine outside.
 
It felt like a metaphor for her life; she had been in the dark for a long time and was just now glimpsing a ray of truth.
 
She turned on all the lights and led Zach to the living room where her phone lay on the couch.
 
With a deep breath she picked it up and dialed Michael’s number.
 
She never called him, never felt like it was her place.
 
He came to her when he wanted her, otherwise they lived separate lives.

Jessica sighed in disappointment or relief, she wasn’t sure, as the call went to voicemail, and she left a vague but urgent message. “Michael, it’s Jessica.
 
Please call me, it’s important,” she said, then ended the call.
 
“I don’t know when I’ll hear from him; I don’t see him that often,” Jessica explained.
 
“Give me your number so I can call you when I do.”
 
Zach and Jessica traded phone numbers — the mundane task so strangely normal in comparison with the mood.

“My friend, Rider, your son, would you like to meet him?
 
I mean, now that you know who he is?” Zach asked.

Jessica nodded.
 
This was all so overwhelming, so unbelievable, but she felt an enormous sense of relief as well that perhaps her children’s lives had been spared.
 
She sat down on the couch and rested her head in her hands as Zach called his friends.
 
It dawned on her that if Zach’s story was true then technically she was the mother of two teenage sons.
 
The random thought crossed her mind that she wished she had some homemade cookies she could offer them.
 
It was the only maternal thing she could think of to do.

“They’ll be here in a minute,” Zach announced, ending the call.
 
Jessica nodded and offered a small smile.

“So tell me about yourself, Zach,” Jessica asked, still too in shock to know quite what to say at this point.

“I’m 17 — a junior at Allendale High.
 
I’m on the wrestling team.”

Jessica grinned.
 
“No wonder you look so strong.
 
I bet the girls just love you.”
 
Zach’s face reddened at the compliment.
 
“Is there somebody special?”

“Yeah, Paige — you met her.
 
She’s the only person I’ve ever been able to really be myself around.
 
She’s about as special as it gets.”
 
His face took on that faraway look of someone remembering the greatest day of their life.

“She knows all about….Cody?” Jessica stumbled over the name, realizing it was the first time she said it aloud.

“Yeah, she knew Paige and Rider since she was a little kid, so when we met it was like I didn’t even have to convince her, she already believed me and accepted me for who I am — for who we are.”

“It sounds like you love her.”

“Yeah, we really do.”

Jessica cocked her eye at the plural.
 
“So Cody loves her too?”

“Oh yeah, he’s head over heels!
 
I mean, it’s easy to see why.
 
No one’s ever cared about
him
before.….not even me.”
 
The boy hung his head in shame.

Jessica’s heart broke for Cody as she realized what Zach was saying, and it broke again when she realized that ultimately she was the one to blame.
 
Her son hadn’t died that fateful day when she had decided to end his life, but he might as well have.
 
Instead, he became a prisoner in a world that would never accept him.

“I’m so sorry, Cody,” Jessica dared to speak to the boy she could barely believe existed.
 
She put her hand on Zach’s chest and stared into his eyes, hoping to see through to the boy inside.

“He wants you to know he forgives you,” Zach spoke seriously, trying his best to give Cody his say.
 
“He’s really happy to finally meet you.”

The pain in her heart melted as Jessica heard Cody’s words and she impulsively reached out to hug her son.
 
Zach let her embrace him, for Cody’s sake — the warmth of her touch already beginning to heal his fractured soul.
 
When the doorbell rang, Jessica surreptitiously wiped her eyes as she turned to answer the door.
 
On the other side stood Rachel, Paige, and Rider, the three teens she had met last week, and she chuckled as she contemplated the absurdity of the whole situation.
 
Would Michael think she was crazy when he heard what she had to tell him?
 
As bizarre as it seemed, she still believed these unknown teenagers and their fantastical story, and somehow the thought of Michael having supernatural powers didn’t seem all that impossible to imagine.

“Hi, Miss Reynolds, it’s nice to see you again,” Rider said, holding out his hand for a handshake.
 
Jessica glanced briefly at his outstretched hand then stared deeply into his eyes.
 
She saw love and acceptance, not the fear and revulsion she expected to see, and impulsively she grabbed her son in a motherly embrace.
 
She let out a sigh of relief when Rider responded by laying his head on her shoulder, his strong, tall form hunched over hers.

“I owe you an apology, but it could never be enough to make up for what I’ve done,” Jessica offered, but Rider just shook his head.

“I don’t regret a single thing.
 
I’ve had an amazing life so far and I wouldn’t change a minute of it,” Rider said emphatically, the joy in his eyes all the proof anyone would need.

“I want to hear all about it, from all of you,” Jessica declared, leading her passel into the kitchen.
 
“But first, is anyone hungry?”

chapter twenty-one

Michael’s conflicting emotions waged war within him several days after his last visit and he found himself pacing the floors of Maxwell’s apartment while Maxwell was making business calls from his home office.
 
Maybe he could just text her, he thought, as his eyes gravitated towards the spot where his cell phone was hidden, the one he had bought specifically to talk to her.
 
He never used it, never wanted to tempt himself with too much contact (as if a simple phone conversation could do more damage that the nights of passion he regularly allowed!) but it called to him like a siren song and he soon found himself digging the little phone out of its hiding spot only to be surprised to see he had missed a call.

With shaking fingers, Michael carefully punched in his passcode and held the device up to his ear.
 
Jessica’s voice echoed out of the tiny speaker and his anxiety rose with concern at her message.
 
She needed him!
 
His heart seized as she asked him to call her, her halting voice belying her nonchalance.
 
Even worse, the time and date stamp indicated she had called days ago!
 
Michael was immediately wracked with agony at the thought of her waiting even an hour for him to respond to her, let alone several days.
 
With barely a thought towards Maxwell, Michael pocketed the phone and immediately transported himself to Jessica’s door, his heart in his hand.
 
When she opened the door, his aching heart exploded with love and longing for her as she threw herself into his embrace.
 
He didn’t understand how she could want him so badly when all he ever did was cause her pain, but he was so happy that she did.

“Jessica, I’m so sorry it took me so long.
 
You called for me days ago.
 
I can never forgive myself for making you wait.
 
I only hope my tardiness hasn’t caused you pain,” he apologized profusely as he held her at arm’s length and stared deeply into her eyes, his heart swelling with emotion.
 
His gaze eventually traveled down the length of her torso, taking in her beauty, his mind imagining what lay beneath the thin robe she wore.

“It’s okay, Michael.
 
You came; that’s what matters.
 
It’s not exactly an emergency.
 
But it is important, and I’m afraid I’m the one who should be apologizing, not you.
 
Something has come up that I have to tell you about, but before I can, I have a confession I have to make.
 
I’ve done something terrible, Michael, something completely unforgivable.
 
I’m terrified you’ll hate me when I tell you.”

“No, Jessie, you could never do anything that would make me hate you.
 
Never in a million years.
 
I….I love you, Jessie,” he admitted, dropping his head in shame.
 
How could she ever believe him when his actions always contradicted his words?

Jessica gasped as his words sunk in.
 
“Oh Michael, no!
 
You don’t know how many years I’ve longed to hear you say those words but you won’t mean them when you hear what I have to tell you!” She lamented, turning away to hide her embarrassment.

“Jessie, please,” he pleaded, leading her into the living room and shutting the door behind them.
 
He guided her to the sofa and sat down beside her, their knees touching.
 
“I promise I will forgive you, whatever it is you’ve done.
 
There is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you.”
 
Besides, he thought, how could her offense possibly be worse than his?
 

“Yes, there is Michael, I can barely forgive myself.
 
Only recently have I even begun to try.”

“Tell me, Jessica, and let me decide how unforgivable it is,” he begged, his deep brown eyes trying to see into her soul.
 
She was a beautiful as ever, dressed in a silky bathrobe and little else, the pain in her eyes making them shine with the intensity of her emotion.

“Hold me, Michael, kiss me,” she begged, reaching up to twine her fingers in his hair.
 
He reached out to caress her soft, smooth legs and his hand slowly made its way up her thigh.
 
He groaned as her robe slipped open and his hands found her slim waist.
 
They traveled up to capture her breasts as his mouth took hers.

“Make love to me, Michael, one last time before everything changes,” she pleaded, halting her kisses to gaze into his eyes.

The dam inside him broke at her words and Michael realized he could never cause her another ounce of pain, no matter how much it cost him.

“No,” he answered, pulling away from her.
 
It took all his strength to tear his hands from her skin.
 
“I won’t say goodbye to you, Jessica.
 
This isn’t the end.
 
I promise.
 
I’ll find a way for us to be together.
 
I want you, no matter what you’ve done.
 
I’ll always want you.
 
I’ll make love to you on our wedding night.
 
Say you’ll marry me, Jessica.”

Jessica gasped as his words registered in her mind.
 
All these years she had longed to hear them, only to have him say them when she was about to break his heart?
 
She shook her head emphatically, dropping her chin in humiliation.
 
“Ask me again, after I tell you,” she whispered and lifted her eyes to stare into his.
 
She sucked in a breath and grasped his hand for support as she made her confession.
 
She couldn’t stand to look in his eyes, but couldn’t bear to look away.
 
“Michael, years ago, back when we first met, I had two abortions….and you were the father.”