Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1) (14 page)

Alice

To say I’m nervous would be an understatement. What I feet is far more than nerves and underneath it I’m excited. I’ve never been on a date.

This isn’t a date,
my mind whispers but I ignore it.

I’m the kind of girl who dreamt of being courted and wooed. Erik never took me out and he definitely wasn’t the wooing type. He didn’t care what I wanted and he made it clear pretty early on if I wanted him in my life then I had to let go of a lot of my fantasies. Rather, he expected me to accommodate him and his beliefs. As the young, dumb and starved for attention girl I was, at the time I didn’t know any better.

Tonight is different though and Hudson isn’t Erik. He’s nothing like him. I’m determined to let this night be a good one, pushing aside all the negativity to enjoy it. Then I would lock the memory of it away and relive on a rainy day. I took Missy’s words to heart and I promised myself to put them to work.

The doorbell sounds, causing my heart rate to spike and my knees wobble.

“Alice, he’s here,” Missy’s calls, her voice carrying up the stairs. I swallow hard, giving myself a final once-over before leaving the safety of the guest bedroom. I descend the stairs slowly. I’m afraid my weakened legs might not hold me. I can feel his eyes on me when I reach the bottom step. I subconsciously tuck my short locks behind my ears and peek up at him, biting my lip.

My breath catches in my chest. Damn, he is gorgeous. His tousled hair, still wet from the shower went well with his scruffy face. I’m not a fan of the clean cut look on a man anyways. I don’t know what it is about the scruff but it makes me want to run my fingers across it. The subtle smell his cologne hit my nose as he steps closer, causing me to shiver from the memory of the first time he held me in his arms. He’s wearing a pair of dark denim jeans and a black long-sleeve button up, untucked for a more casual look. His black boots complete the outfit perfectly.

“You look beautiful,” he whispers hoarsely and his voice pulls me out of my thoughts, back into the present moment. His eyes sweep the length of my body stopping on my face. He swallows hard and for a moment I’m not sure what he’s thinking. But then he winks at me.

“She looks hot,” Missy declares with a huge smile plastered to her face. She’s been saying that very thing since I put my dress on fifteen minutes ago. Strike that, she said it when I tried it on this afternoon at the store.

She was right about buying it the moment I stepped out of the dressing room. The look on her face and reaction to it sold me almost instantly. It showed more skin than I was used to but Hudson’s reaction makes it well worth it.

My hair closer to my natural chestnut brown, is styled perfectly, its new length tickling my jawbone. It made me feel prettier than I’ve ever felt and the upkeep is going to be a breeze. Missy insisted on a natural palette for my makeup, which I agreed to. I never wore a lot of makeup to begin with, even as a teenager. I didn’t like how it felt on my skin.

I found a comfortable pair of flats to go with my new dress, although Missy fought hard for the matching four inch stilettos I knew I’d never be able to walk in. The flats were more me and I needed something to remind me of who I was underneath the glamour.

“Yes, she looks hot,” Hudson agrees, a devastatingly handsome smile sets onto his face. My heart skips a beat. “Are you ready to go?”

I nod and take a step toward the door. Missy hands me my shawl, which at this point is more for props than warmth. My skin is too warm and flush for it right now. I feel on top of the world as Hudson’s eyes watch my every movement.
Yes, this was going to be a good night.
He offers me his arm and I take it, giving him a shy smile.

“There it is, the perfect accessory to that dress,” he whispers. His words are only meant for me to hear. “Precious, I’ve been dying all day to see your gorgeous smile.”

I can’t help the burn in my cheeks or the flutter in my belly from his compliment. I forget to remind myself what tonight is really about as we walk out the door. I’m too entranced by the magic swirling around me.

*****

Hudson

I chose to take her to one of my favorite spots. It is a bit on the fancy side but a nice change from the usual dives I haunt. During the day it had a fantastic view of the bay but at night the flicker of lights against the water is magical. I think mostly I chose this place because I knew Missy would make sure Alice got a killer dress for it and I really wanted to see Alice in a dress.

We were seated fairly quickly when we arrived, which is a bit of a relief. The awkwardness was beginning to settle in, neither of us spoke a word the entire ride here. We need to talk but I don’t want to chance ruining the night early on, so I settle into the silence and the awkwardness. I need to find the words to make this right but my brain seems to have forgotten my tongue tonight.

Fuck, I should’ve thought this through a little better.

I sit across from her in strained silence, sipping ice tea. Her eyes are staring off into the dark water beside us. At least the sound of the waves crashing against the surf keeps it from being too silent.

I really didn’t think this through.

She reaches from her purse and I tense, ready for her to flee from the night. I wouldn’t blame her. She opens it and withdraws a small pad of paper and a pen.
Holy shit, she is writing.
She doesn’t write anything though, just flips the pad open and hands it to me. I prepare for the ass chewing I rightly deserve.

I’m sorry
,
the words leave me confused and I frown.

“You’re sorry?” I say incredulously. “What do you have to be sorry about? I’m the one who acted like an ass.”

She flips the paper and smirks.

Yes, you were an ass but I’m sure this hasn’t been easy for you. I’m not exactly the perfect houseguest.

Perfect houseguest, what the fuck was she talking about?

“Alice, you’ve been amazing,” I reach for her hand but she moves it back and into her lap. Her eyes are guarded. “I’m serious. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

She flips the page again. Damn, she put some thought into this and what she wanted to say.

Hudson, I know my situation has made everything more difficult for you. You don’t know me and I’m not exactly forthcoming with information. You’ve been very kind and very patient. I want you to know I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.

My throat tightened. I didn’t know what to say. What did she think last night was about?
She’s done nothing wrong!

“Please stop,” I whisper unable to say much more. She flips the page again.

Dinner was a bad idea but I wanted to say thank you for what you’ve done for me. Cooking is something I enjoy doing but haven’t been able to do in a long time. But I should’ve asked your permission first. I won’t make that mistake again.

I swallow hard. My stomach feels heavy and laden with rocks. She flips the page again.

You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m the one interrupting your life and causing havoc. Just please give me a couple of days to figure out where I’m going to go next.

“You aren’t going anywhere,” I bite harshly, too harsh but it was to hide the rush of fear spiking through my chest. She blanches. “I mean, stay. You don’t have to go. I don’t want you to go.”

She frowns and nibbles her bottom lip. Flipping the page on her notepad she picks up her pen and begins to write. The determined look across her face is strained.

“Alice, stop it, I don’t want to read that. It’s wrong. You’re wrong. This is wrong,” I throw up my hands, the room feels stuffy and hot. She looks up from her pad and puts down her pen. I flounder, needing to say the words, explain why I acted like the world’s biggest ass. The words aren’t there though. “Fuck, I don’t know how to do this.”

Her face softens and she leans forward grabbing my hand this time. Her touch feels good on my skin. I concentrate on it for a moment, running everything through my head. There is too much at stake to fuck it up now. I take a deep breath, look into her eyes and suddenly everything is clear. I care deeply for her, deeper than I’ve let myself believe.

You can’t be in love with her,
my mind shouts. I try to block it out but I can’t, it keeps going.
You can’t give her what she deserves. You’re going to hurt her.

I shake my head trying to clear it. It was the truth though and it doesn’t matter how much I care for her because I’m no good for her. I have to try to find a way to put space and distance between us. For her own good. Maybe if she understood the darkness buried down inside of me, maybe then she would see the damage and want nothing with me. Saving us both some heartache. I let go of her hand and reach for my scotch, liquid courage never sounded so good.

Here goes nothing.

Hudson

“Three years ago, I lost my best friend during a roadside bombing,” I stare down at the contents in my glass remembering the moment. “We were doing a routine patrol when an IED went off. Two of our team, Tango and Frankie were killed in the blast. The rest of us scrambled to find cover, in case of an ambush. Sneak was pinned under the cab of one of the humvees, alive but pretty out of it. We managed to lift the vehicle off of him but he couldn’t feel his legs. We had to drag him and as we were pulling him away from the wreckage, the shooting began. We were heavily under fire, outnumbered and surrounded. Charlie was hit in the leg, Kingston in the shoulder and Preacher, he took one to the chest pushing Bear out of the line of fire.”

I can’t bring myself to look her, to see the pity on her face. I’m struggling to say the words, to tell her the next part. I’ve never talked about that day. I’m pretty sure none of the guys have but with Alice and her silence, it was easy.

“Preacher, my best friend, my brother, was the kind of man I aspired to be and he died in my arms. His last words weren’t for his family, they were for me. He looked at me, his eyes filled with fear and said the words choking on his own blood,” I wipe at the tears falling from my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to suppress the rising nausea. No one but my brother’s knew what he said and I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell Preacher’s wife, Charlotte, his words weren't meant for her and their three children. I was too afraid of hurting her anymore than she already was. She should have been his last thought, not me. The anguish of the memory is heavy in my chest but Alice squeezes my hand urging me on. “Don’t be afraid to live brother. She’ll be worth it...those were the last words he spoke. He should’ve been worried for his family, not me. The fear in his eyes, it was for me. He wasted it on me.”

I finally get the courage to look up at her and I’m surprised by what I see. There’s no pity. No sadness. No empathy. Her face is impassive but her eyes reflected of the torture I feel inside. I see myself staring back at me in their depths and I realize she’s no stranger to the darkness.

The darkness that fills us might be there for different reasons but it tortures us the same. I realize if anyone in the world could understand the self hatred and disgust I feel for myself, it would be her. I shudder to think of what put the darkness in her.

“I think I finally realized why I’m so drawn to you,” I say with a shaky voice. Her eyebrows lift with interest. “The darkness, it haunts us both. I can see it in your eyes.”

She looks down at our clasped hands and I know she understands. It’s hard thing to admit, having something like this buried deep inside. Most people don’t understand what it means and if you’re lucky enough to find someone who does know, they don’t talk about it either.

Preacher’s words tickle my mind.
 She’ll be worth it
. I push them aside, refusing to focus on them. Instead, I focus on her, watching her thoughts float across her face.

Fuck me, she’s beautiful. The dark blue dress compliments her creamy white skin perfectly. It hangs along her body with ease, giving emphasis to the natural length of her limbs. The dress was fairly modest, except for the slightly see through material covering her shoulders. The way it bunched and gave was more than enough to tease me, leaving me aching and curious to reach out and run my finger along the line of her collar bone.

She runs her fingers through her short hair and I catch the glimpse of red. My eyes focus on the small hand tucked into my own and smile, her nails are painted red. I can’t help as my heart rate picks up. Did she do that for me? My heart pounds harder, faster in my chest, as I drink in the sight of her.

She reaches for her pad and pen, concentrating hard one the words she scribbles down.

I do know the darkness but I also know the light. 
She pauses, chews on the end of her pen and finally continues.
 Your friend, he lived in the light and it was his dying wish was for you to find it again. His last words were made out of love, they weren’t wasted on you.

She stops and studies me for a moment. I can see the hesitation in her eyes but I need her to finish. “Don’t stop,” the words are like a plea, coming from deep down inside me. I need the truth.

Saying otherwise dishonors him.

Damn, 
I shudder from the impact of her words. She's right but I still can’t help thinking his words should have been for his family and not for me.

Who is she?

“Who?”

He said, ‘she’ll be worth it.’ Who is she?

“I don’t know. The woman I’m supposed to be with,” the words surprise me, they were easy and they made sense. I sat quiet for a moment contemplating everything with this new perspective. Her brown eyes watch me warmly. Every word Preacher said, even what Kingston said, replays in my head. I can’t let her believe last night was her fault. It wasn’t. It was mine.

“Last night was not about you Alice. It was about me,” she tilts her head, listening intently. “My meeting with King didn’t go as planned. He said some things to me and I overreacted. I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have”

My heart skips a beat and I swallow hard. I'm worried my story is going to push her away. She deserves to know it but I don’t know if I'm ready to give her everything tonight.

“People leave me Alice. People I love. I don’t know why,” I lace her fingers with my mine, gripping her hand tightly. “Maybe I can’t love them the right way. Maybe I’m not worthy of love. But they always leave.”

She nods slowly and writes something down, 
That’s not true.

“I was married once, did you know that?”

She nods her head, squeezing my hand. Of course she knew, it's been mentioned enough times in front of her. I look down at our hands and take a deep breath. Using the strength from our connection, I find the ability to continue.

“Her name was Crystal. All I wanted to do was take care of her but we were young and too inexperienced to understand what we were doing,” I pause. “I loved her but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t give her the life she wanted, no matter how much I tried.”

We sat for a few beats, the silence was nice. Her eyes watched me carefully, ready to rescue me at a moment’s notice. My heart clenches from the look on her face. I like knowing she want to rescue me. Thinking about Crystal and my past, makes my heart ache but with Alice here beside me, it didn’t ache nearly as much as it used to. I’ve realized over the years I was never really in love with Crys and I'm pretty sure she wasn’t in love with me either. We used each other to cope with the things in our lives we couldn’t control. After a while our coping mechanisms didn’t work and it ended dirty because of it.

Since then, I didn’t bother getting serious with anyone. There wasn’t a point. I wasn't good enough for anyone anyways. Not with all the darkness inside. My love was a curse.

I was too caught up in my thoughts to notice her writing. It wasn’t until she places the pad of paper down in front of me that I see it.

You’re love is not a curse. Preacher didn’t die because you loved him. You don't really believe that Hudson, do you?

My heart clenches with sadness.

“Yes, I do."

Is his passing the reason Bear is dark too?

“Bear’s complicated,” I explain but it isn’t my place to discuss Bear’s issues. She nods and asks no more about him or Preacher.

What happened to your ex-wife?

“I don’t know.”

Liar
.

She's right about my lie. I did know but only because I’m not a complete asshole. Most wouldn’t care where their ex’s landed and as much as I’d like to think I was one of them, it's just not who I am.

“She’s in prison,” I breathe. “Enough about her though, would you like to stop for some dessert on the drive home?”

She nods and tries to pull back her hand but I don’t let her. Instead, our eyes meet and warmth fills my heart, spreading through my body like wildfire. This night has been monumental for me. I’ve never allowed anyone in this deep and I knew doing so would change things between us. I couldn't ignore my feelings for her because this woman moved me in a way I never saw coming. I felt freer in a sense and more determined to help her find the same relief. I wanted to free her from the darkness holding onto her too.

“Alice, I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere,” I run the pad of my thumb across her knuckles. “I want to help you, please, let me in.”

Her face falls, her shoulders sag and I can see the tears gather in her eyes, glistening in her chocolate pools. I can see the struggle on her face, she wants to open up but she is afraid. I know it won’t be tonight so I stand, pulling her up with me and I wrap my arms her, breathing in her scent.

She’ll be worth it….you’re in love with her.

Fuck, if I can fight those two statements any more.

She is worth it and I just might be in love with her.