Lost Causes (11 page)

The good thing about cargo ships, compared to most other vessels, was how small a crew worked on the enormous boat. Once the containers were loaded, the ship required little supervision. Only a dozen men were needed to keep us moving in the right direction, which meant no humans would happen upon some elementals flinging magic around the stern.

There was a narrow passageway between the rows. Luke and I stood there, with a container on either side. We hoped the metal would resist any accidental fires.

Mac, of course, was behind me, glaring at Luke. “You ever done this before?”

“Have I ever trained a dual, even though I only met one, and that before I knew what I was?”

“So you could make it worse.”

Luke hesitated. That didn’t fill me with confidence. “I suppose it’s possible. We could wait, but that means Aidan will face the next first with no new information about her power. I’ve only got what I picked up before, during, and after my cure. I know how using both magics causes the separation, those two selves that make it so, eventually, she can’t come back. It ain’t much, but I’m offering it. You want me to share it or not?”

Mac grumbled. Sera held up one of the last syringes, reminding him of the stakes, and at last he acceded. “Please be careful,” he said.

I’d have felt better if Luke had needled Mac a bit more. Instead, he was sincere when he said, “I’ll do my best.”

I took a deep breath and shook myself out like a sprinter before a race.

When I was ready, Luke began. “How’s the sanity doing? Give it to me between one and ten, ten being destroy the world.”

“A four?” I guessed.

Sera scoffed. “Even before this started, you were a three on a good day.” Now that we were making progress toward our destination, to both my cure and information about her mother, she was relaxed enough to mock me. It was oddly comforting.

Being surrounded by my element meant it took almost no effort to douse an annoying friend. Sera sputtered as a gallon of ocean water landed on her head.

“Four,” I insisted.

Luke’s pose was as relaxed as ever, but his eyes were serious. “How’d you come up with that number?”

“Well, I haven’t tried to kill anyone in days, so that’s a good sign, right?”

A muscle ticked in his jaw as he studied me. I got the feeling I wasn’t his ideal student.

“Let’s try again, without murderous intent being the litmus test. How much control do you have?”

“I…” I stopped. I couldn’t bullshit my way out of this, not with Sera watching. She’d been the one to drug me whenever I lost control, and she knew exactly how often that had happened since we escaped my family’s island. “Not enough,” I conceded.

“What’s your mind doing these days?” His voice was quiet, the words meant just for me.

I turned my focus inward, searching for the blackness I usually tried to avoid. It was there, as it always was, dormant but watching. Waiting.

I sometimes thought it was embedded so deeply within me that, even if I did learn how to remove it, I’d cut out large swathes of myself in the process.

“It’s there,” I said, the queen of understatement.

Luke didn’t need more information. He understood.

“What happened when you lost it? Your dark part?” I asked.

His laugh held sympathy but little humor. “Oh, it’s still there. Always will be, but it’s a lot quieter these days. It belongs to me, not the other way round.”

“That sounds okay.” Even if there was a complete, irrevocable cure, I thought parts of my magic would always be covered in black from the lives it took, and I wasn’t sure that was wrong.

Luke’s amber eyes missed nothing. More than anyone ever would, he understood the ongoing horror of living with power that was both gift and traitor.

My friends inched toward me, concerned. The silence had stretched a minute too long for comfort.

When in doubt, make a bad joke. “So, how do you channel the darkness now? Do you listen to more Nine Inch Nails?”

“Only Johnny Cash’s versions,” he said, feigning offense.

Damn. A man who listened to country music, who had a dimple in his chin and eyes that crinkled when he smiled. If Mac didn’t already hold my heart in his hands, I might have been tempted.

“It’s kinda like driving an old car with a big hole in the passenger side footwell,” Luke said. “It all runs fine, but it’s a little broken, a little ugly, and sometimes it’s louder than you want it to be. And we never get to trade it in for something new and shiny.” He dropped the metaphor. “You and me, we get to live with our past for the rest of our lives.”

“As it should be.”

“Yep.”

Before I could worry about the future, I needed to make sure I had one. “So, what do I need to do?”

“I can’t say I’ve been a professor before. Feel like I need a pipe and tweed jacket. I’ll try to keep it short. So, you’ve got the two magics. Based on those blond locks, I’d say you discovered the fire second.”

I confirmed this.

“When did you find out? Five years ago?”

I blinked at him, too stunned to speak for several seconds. “Five months.”

His eyebrows reached for the sky. “That’s some accelerated crazy you’ve got there.”

“Well, there’s been some stress this year,” I said, upgrading myself to the empress of understatement.

“Considering what we’re heading into, we can’t count on that changing, so let’s do what we can. When you first learned the risks of being a dual, you kept them apart, right? Did whatever you could to stop the fire from interfering with the other side.”

Again, I felt the thrill of speaking to someone who understood exactly what I’d gone through. A single conversation with Luke was better than years of therapy.

“Exactly. At first, I lost control whenever I deliberately called the fire, but then the water started joining in on its own. The first time I used both, it was okay. You know waters can heal, right? I was curing someone, and I got through it without incident.”

“What she’s failing to mention is he was dead and she ended up leaving some of her magic behind.”

I’d almost forgotten Sera was there.

“Wait, what? Where is it now?”

Mac growled.

Luke rolled his eyes. “Of course.”

I rushed to change the subject before Mac could respond. “So, yeah. When I was healing him, it was okay, even when I boosted the water with the fire. But once I figured out how that worked, I couldn’t seem to stop.”

“It’s hard to put power back once you find it.”

Not long ago, I’d intertwined both magics. They’d strengthened each other, and in that instant I’d believed I was the most powerful elemental alive. Sometimes, in my weakest moments, I missed that feeling.

I needed to derail that train of thought. “Anyway, that’s where it is now. I was told using both would eventually create a schism, a split self. First I’d lose control, then I’d lose my sanity, and then I’d lose myself. That’s pretty much been the path. I mean, there’s normal me…”

Sera snorted. I was glad to see her sense of humor was as inappropriate as ever.

“And batshit crazy me is showing up more and more, but…”

“But for now, you know who you are, most of the time.” Luke finished for me. “You weren’t given bad information, but you weren’t given the whole story, either. Damn good thing I’m here, isn’t it?”

That carefree grin slid across his face, the dimple appearing. I couldn’t help returning the smile.

My neck grew cold as the sun that had warmed me was blocked by a very large shifter moving even closer. I knew Mac misinterpreted my connection to Luke, but right then, soothing his ego fell lower on my priority list than “be less crazy.” He could deal.

Luke didn’t even glance at him. “It helps to think in chemistry terms. Sometimes a couple of things can be entirely harmless on their own, but put them together and you’ve got a toxic mixture.”

Yeah, I knew a thing or two about that.

“That how it is with us. When the magics work together, it’s like those chemicals. Harmless on their own, but together they create an explosion, and that causes your schism. Each explosion does a bit more damage, until I guess there’s nothing left to destroy. I don’t know how long that takes. It’s not like there’s a manual on this stuff. I learned this from trial and error and a really cruel teacher.”

“So, what? I need to work harder to keep them separate, so there are fewer of these explosions?” Considering how quickly my control fled when anger took over my body, I might as well work on my ability to fly or walk through walls.

“Oh, it’s too late for that. No, you’ve gotta start combining them on purpose.”

CHAPTER 12

N
o one was impressed with Luke’s suggestion.

“Won’t that lead to more of those so-called explosions?” Sera pointed a sparking finger at Luke.

“If done incorrectly, yeah, which is why I’m talking Aidan through it.” An edge crept into his words. “I’m not stupid or suicidal. There’s a way to focus the magic, and she needs to know it. She may need to fight.”

“And right now I only have a few fights left in me. If that.” I eyed the syringe pointedly.

Sera gritted her teeth, but there was no comeback.

Luke waited for my answer.

“Tell me what to do.”

His voice dropped. The others could probably hear, but he didn’t care about them. “Think back to when you healed the bear. You said you were okay then?”

It wasn’t hard to pull up that memory. I couldn’t forget the night Mac died. The only reason he lived now was because of my dual nature, and for that alone I couldn’t regret what I was.

“How was that different from the other times? Why didn’t you lose control?”

I recalled that night, pulling apart the memory and examining it with new eyes. “I wasn’t angry. I was scared.” The emotions came in a rush, and I turned, needing to see Mac’s face. “I was going to save him, no matter the cost.”

“And?”

“And I was focused. I knew I couldn’t lose control for even a second. A single slip, and that would be the end, and…” I managed a wobbly smile that Mac returned. “I couldn’t let him go.”

Luke waited. I made myself turn away from Mac.

“When the madness comes,” I said, “it’s not the same. The world shrinks, and I feel nothing but cold certainty, but that’s not focus, not really. It’s the opposite. I don’t care what happens. Hell, I’ll set anything on fire when it’s at its worst. I feel in control, but I’m causing chaos.”

“And?”

I grimaced, wondering at what point he’d make me wear the dunce cap. There was a detail I was missing, something so simple Luke would keep prodding until I found the solution on my own.

“How are your actions different when you lose control? Your motives?” he urged.

When the answer finally came to me, it was so clear, so beautifully simple, that I wanted to smack myself for not seeing it earlier. “When I called the magic to heal Mac, I didn’t use it to destroy. I used it to create, to give life.”

Luke smiled, a warm grin that offered none of his cocksure charm. Rather, it was congratulatory.

“Yep. There was still a reaction when the two halves joined. It would explain why some of it got left behind. But you were tapping into its original purpose. Creation. Life. That’s all it really wants. You can’t use it to destroy without destroying yourself at the same time. You figure out a way to channel your power into creation instead of ruin, and you might be okay for a bit. Might feel better in your own heart, too.”

I pondered his words, weighing them against my experience. “One problem. Most of the time, I don’t choose to call both magics. I get pissed off, and boom, there’s the fire and water and a whole lot of crazy riding in the sidecar.”

“And that’s why we’re in the middle of the ocean headed toward another first who may or may not kill us on sight. I’m just trying to help you get there with your brain working.”

“Four tiny doses,” Sera reminded me. “And another week on this boat.”

“Maybe we can cut a day off that.” Luke winked. “Feel like speeding things up a bit?”

“No.” Sera, Mac, and Vivian spoke together.

“I need to practice. Better to do it in a controlled environment than the next time someone tries to kill me.” I didn’t wait for them to argue. “Tell me what to do.”

“Think about something you’ve created. Let that be the source of your power. Now you’re going to build a wave where none exists, but don’t isolate the magics. Start with them fused together. You’ll have that boost, but you’ll avoid the explosion when they meet.”

I reached for the threads coiled together in my core.

“Oh, and Aidan? Don’t lose your focus, okay? Creation only.”

No pressure there.

I imagined the threads of fire and water moving together. They knit themselves into a single force, the bond growing tighter and tighter until the dual parts of my power existed as one unit.

My friends’ tension was almost palpable. No one seemed to breathe or even blink while they waited to see what I would do. I was a science experiment that could explode at any moment.

“You’re really not helping,” I said.

I blotted out everything else, concentrating only on the power and my intent. Even now, the madness hovered in the corners of my mind, eager to squeeze into the cracks if my attention slipped even a little.

Before I closed my eyes, I saw Luke gesture to Sera, asking her to toss down the syringe. Perhaps he wasn’t quite as confident in my ability to stay non-murdery as he pretended.

I took my friends’ fear and wrapped it around me, knowing they weren’t concerned about themselves. They worried about my safety.

They worried because I was loved.

We’d made something together, a small family entirely separate from those to which we were born, and I’d been a part of that.

It wasn’t much, but it was also everything.

Holding the thought of that family in my mind, that small group we’d created, I checked my magic. The bond was even tighter now, almost glowing with a newfound strength. I grinned to see it. Something so light might have a chance against the darkness.

Magic flowed through my skin, as strong as ever. I pictured the metal maze surrounding us and sent the threads rushing between the containers.

The water magic attached to the ocean’s molecules and I made no effort to stop the fire from joining in and adding its strength.

I pushed it upwards, forming a twenty-foot swell. In the distance, I heard an alarmed shout, but there was no reason for concern. The wave didn’t so much crash as slide into the ocean, gently nudging the ship forward.

I did it again, the wave a bit taller, a bit wider. To an outsider, it would look like nothing more than a freak weather phenomenon.

I decided to create something else. I imagined the ocean’s flat surface, then I built upon that. Between two placid sections, I envisioned a current the ship could slip into, where it would move a little faster than the surrounding water. I’d barely had the thought before the ocean hurried to obey my request.

The cargo ship picked up speed. My friends murmured to each other, but I kept all my attention on the primordial magic I possessed, that power so old it predated speech.

It was the magic of creation, the same source that lived in every elemental and shifter. I could sculpt new worlds, using oceans and flames as my blades.

I wondered how many knew duals could do this. It would explain why we were feared. Our ability to destroy was horrible, but many would consider this power just as terrifying. If they wanted to, duals could change the very fabric of the world.

Most people reject change, or fear it, and I was a living symbol of that. Of course they wished to eliminate me. Destroy me.

My focus slipped, just a fraction, and I paused to rebuild it, placing my attention on the multiple streams.

Streams of water. Streams of life, each one created by a choice I made. I could have chosen the stagnant stream of isolation, or the quiet one where I avoided trouble rather than seeking it out. Perhaps I could have chosen a healing stream months before. If I’d gone to the compound when Josiah asked, maybe we would have found this creature already, and I’d have done so with my father at my side.

Josiah.

Somehow, it hadn’t occurred to me before that a choice I’d made led to his death. The truth pulled at me, demanding my attention.

If I’d gone with him the day I learned what I was, all of this could have been avoided.

The memory rammed into me so hard I took a step backwards, hitting the hard wall of Mac’s chest. It offered no comfort against the image of my father lying in a pool of blood in my grandmother’s library.

The man had tried to save me so many times. He tried to save Sera from following her mother to an unknown danger. His actions were unforgivable, but he was our father.

I grasped at the creation magic as it slithered from me, but my hold was weak. Inky tentacles slid over my mind, obliterating the positive thoughts I’d built with such care. Memories of my family and friends were replaced with images of death. Josiah. David. Brian. Christopher.

The guilt was too strong. Madness promised freedom from the pain.

Wind whipped my hair around my face, the ship now racing across the Pacific.

“Aidan!” The single word reached me, screamed by a voice I knew.

Arms wrapped around me, muscle and sinew and flesh. They were immense, capable of uprooting entire trees, and they were also so fragile. Water crashed over us, forcing the arms to release.

Fifty-foot swells appeared under a clear sky. Panicked voices surrounded me.

A wave surged between the containers, catching the people perched atop one and dropping them onto the deck.

“Aidan!” A woman with black hair plastered to her skull screamed at me from ten feet away. “You have to stop.”

Another woman spoke. She also had dark hair, though hers was dreadlocked and her skin was darker. Her eyes were more fearful, too. “Aidan, you’re going to expose us. We can’t hide this from the humans.”

My power began to fizzle. I grasped at the threads, panicking. Months of that vile serum was taking its toll. I boosted my magic as much as possible, trying to sharpen the dull edges.

I refused to be weakened, and I refused to restrain my actions for a few humans. My laugh was cruel, incredulous. “Humans can be thrown overboard.”

Once more, the muscled arms grabbed me. I reached for another swell, a stronger one capable of pushing my captor so far he’d never grab me again.

But it was a trap. I saw it a fraction of a second too late. The women hadn’t been trying to reason with me. They’d only needed to keep my attention while another man moved behind me.

I howled my anger and covered my attacker in fire before I remembered it couldn’t hurt him.

The needle found my neck.

The blackest part of my mind screamed. It had been so close. Another minute, another death, and it would have claimed me forever.

Instead, it withdrew, pulsating with malice and bile, and I slid into unconsciousness. Oblivion was so easy. So comforting.

Before I slept, I saw the faces that surrounded me. They were worried, an expression I’d seen too often recently, but there was more.

They no longer looked at a friend. The hurt eyes that stared back at me saw only a stranger.

When I awoke, I was still on a boat. I knew this because I sensed the ocean on all sides, not because I could see a damn thing. The room was nearly pitch black. Only a thin strip of light appeared beneath a door.

I reached instinctively toward the ocean to heal my pounding headache. The headache had other plans, preferring to hang out with the nausea. My skin prickled, tiny needles jabbing my stomach. My hearing was muffled, as if my ears were plugged with cotton.

I examined my mind, looking for weaknesses and injuries the same way I’d explore my physical body after an accident. My memory was intact, and I winced at what I found. My friends’ faces as they saw what I was truly capable of doing. It was a mirror, reflecting my own horror of what I might become.

The magic was a little duller than it had been before. A little weaker.

Self-assessment complete, if unsatisfactory, I turned my attention to my surroundings. I was on a particularly uncomfortable bed, the mattress unforgiving and short enough that my feet hung off the end. The air smelled musty, as if the room hadn’t been aired out in many months.

The boat rocked with the undulating waves in a way the cargo ship never would. We’d switched to a far smaller vessel. I doubted it belonged to Sera’s family. Josiah wouldn’t have allowed anything he owned to be described as musty.

I pushed the thought away, terrified to even remember his name after what happened on the ship.

I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay below deck, possibly for the next twenty years or so. Perhaps my friends would have forgiven me by then.

Bracing myself for the pain of sitting, I dug my elbows into the lumpy mattress and pressed myself up.

I drew to a sudden stop when restraints tugged on my wrists and ankles.

“Hello?” I called. My voice was so weak it was almost inaudible. I coughed and tried again.

“Aidan?” Mac answered immediately. He was right on the other side of the door.

“Of course it’s me. Are you tying up so many women you’re confused?”

My attempt at humor was met with silence. I could practically see his jaw tightening in frustration.

“Where are we? When did we switch boats?” They’d only given me a few drops, enough to put me out for a day or two.

He didn’t answer. Not me, at least. I heard a low murmur as he conferred with someone else.

“How long are you keeping me here? Are we heading to the island?” I tried for a conversational tone that gave away none of my trepidation.

“Where else would we be going?”

He sounded so confused I didn’t mention that, for a second, I wondered if they were finding a nice place to dump the body when I lost control for the final time.

“I thought… it’s not important. But if I’m plummeting over the cliffs of insanity, restraints aren’t going to make a difference. I can access my magic without them.” I didn’t know if I was helping my cause or not.

“Are you accessing any now?”

“To heal.” I drew a little more water toward me. My headache downgraded from screaming jackhammer to a dull throb.

Someone whispered to Mac. I thought it was Vivian, but the words were too muffled for me to be sure. His response was equally quiet. They didn’t seem to be arguing. Rather, it sounded like they were in perfect agreement about the need to keep me locked up.

“You’re not moving, Aidan. You’re staying in that room until we hit the island.”

I grumbled several unflattering things about domineering men, knowing his shifter ears would pick up every word.