Lost Angel (17 page)

Ellen was chuffed. She had made friends with a girl who lived at the end of the street, and, though Janet was older at seventeen, they got on really well. The only fly in the ointment was that Janet had a lot more freedom than her and went dancing every Saturday night with some of her other mates.

Still, Ellen thought, at least she got out of the house a few evenings a week, if only to sit in Janet’s. The atmosphere in her own home was so awful now that she was glad to escape. Her parents bickered constantly, her mother snappy and her father nothing like the laughing and playful man he’d once been.

‘Mum, I’m going along to Janet’s house.’

‘I’m not sure I want you seeing that girl. Her mother’s nothing but a tart.’

‘You can’t blame Janet for that.’

‘Maybe not, but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’

‘Janet’s training to be a hairdresser, and she hates it that her mother drinks. When she’s fully qualified and can afford it, she’s going to leave home.’

‘What happened to her father?’

‘Janet said he walked out when she was four and she hasn’t seen him since.’

‘Hilda, if you ask me it sounds like the girl’s had a rotten time of it,’ said Doug. ‘Go on, Ellen, see your friend, but we want you home by nine thirty.’

‘Can’t I stay out till ten?’

‘You heard your father. Nine thirty and no later.’

Ellen knew that if her mum found out that Janet was going to show her how to put make-up on, she’d go potty. It was October and she’d be fifteen next month, but her mum still treated her like a kid and had refused to talk about Gertie again. Ellen still didn’t understand, and now every time she thought about Gertie and Maureen, about them kissing each other like her mum and dad kissed, she felt sort of sick.

Now that she knew Janet better, Ellen had decided to talk to her about it. Janet was different, worldly somehow, and a complete contrast to Lucy. Somehow Ellen felt that religion wasn’t a subject that would interest her, but maybe they could talk about the runes too, and that woman who’d had the vision.

Janet greeted her with a smile. ‘Mum’s out so we’ve got the place to ourselves. She’ll probably roll home drunk as usual.’

Janet’s mum was a brassy, loud-mouthed blonde, so Ellen was relieved that she wasn’t in. They settled in the kitchen and as Janet got out her make-up Ellen asked, ‘Do you know anything about rune stones and fortune tellers?’

‘Not really, but my mum once went to a woman who read tarot cards.’

‘What did she tell her?’

‘She wasn’t told much, nothing concrete, and said it was a waste of money. Booze is more important to my mum so she only went the once. Live for the day, that’s what I say, and I don’t see the point of worrying about the future.’

It was obviously a closed subject and Ellen hid her disappointment, saying, ‘I’m looking forward to learning how to put make-up on.’

‘Once you get the hang of it, it’s a doddle. I’ll show you how I apply mine first, and then you can have a go at copying me.’

Ellen watched, amazed. All her mother had ever done was to apply a bit of powder and lipstick, though she didn’t even do that nowadays, whereas Janet was applying a stick-like, thick foundation that made the whole business look a lot more complicated. She wasn’t sure she liked the effect and thought Janet looked better without it, but,
not wanting to offend her new friend, she said, ‘I didn’t know you used that stuff.’

‘Pan-stick. Yeah, well, I don’t during the day, but if I’m going out in the evening, say to a dance, I use it then because it covers up me spots. You’re lucky, you’ve got lovely skin and I don’t think you’ll need it. We’ll just concentrate on your eyes, lips – and how did you get your nails in that state?’

‘Gardening. I’ve been clearing the flowers and digging over the soil.’

‘When did you get interested in gardening of all things?’

‘During the Blitz my mum took me to live with her friend, Gertie, on her smallholding in Somerset. I learned a lot from her and she was really good to me. I…I liked her a lot, but now…now that I know what she’s like…’ Ellen trailed off.

‘What do you mean?’

Ellen hesitated. She wanted to confide in Janet, ask her opinion and now, finally, plucked up the courage. ‘A short while ago, I found out that Gertie…well…she doesn’t like men. She…she prefers women.’

‘Oh, she’s a lesbian.’

‘Is that what women like her are called?’

‘Don’t you know anything? There’s men the same, you know, those who prefer their own kind.’

‘What!’

‘They’re called queers, homosexuals.’ ‘I…I didn’t know. How did you find out about them?’

‘With a mother like mine there ain’t much I don’t know. She’s talked to me like I’m an adult since I was a kid.’

‘My mum has never told me anything and I had to find out about the facts of life from a friend. It was my dad who told me about Gertie, and…and it makes me feel a bit sick.’

‘Has she done anything to hurt you?’

‘No, I told you, she’s been very good to me, and to my mother.’

‘So what’s all the fuss about? Each to their own, that’s what I say. There’s worse around than her and, believe me, I should know.’

‘Worse. What do you mean?’

‘Grow up, Ellen. What about rapists, murderers, mothers who neglect their kids and pigs who abuse them?’ Janet said angrily. ‘Gertie and her type aren’t hurting anyone, aren’t abusing them, unlike…unlike one of my so-called uncles.’

‘Your uncle? Why, what did he do?’

‘I was ten, just a kid, and I’d had a succession of uncles when one of them – my mum’s latest – got into my bed one night.’

‘At that age, I used to climb in with my mum and dad for a cuddle.’

‘Jesus!’ Janet exclaimed. ‘It wasn’t like that.
Bloody hell, do I have to spell it out? He didn’t climb in for a cuddle, he…he raped me.’

‘Oh, Janet, no!’

‘Oh, Ellen, yes…and from that night on, I never felt like a kid again.’

‘What did your mum do when she found out?’

‘I didn’t tell her. He said he’d come back and kill us if I opened me mouth.’

Ellen had hated thinking about Gertie, but it paled in comparison to this. She had wanted to be treated like a grown up, had wanted to learn about life, but not this…not about sick men who raped children.

‘Does…does your mum know about it now?’

‘Yeah, but I sort of sunk into myself at first. After that, when I was around eleven, I became an impossible kid, wild and out of control. Most of the time my mum was too pissed to notice, but one day she brought another bloke back to the house, drunk like her, and when he leered at me, I lost it. I went for him, grabbed a knife…’

‘Oh, Janet…’

Janet’s laugh was derisive. ‘My mum soon sobered up then. She managed to stop me, and when the geezer left I told her why I did it…what had happened when I was ten.’

‘What did she say?’

‘She was shocked, but other than never bringing blokes back to the house again, nothing much
has changed. She’s still a piss artist, an alcoholic, and I’ll tell you something, Ellen. I hate booze and as long as I live I’ll never touch a drop of the stuff.’

‘I…don’t know what to say.’

‘I’ve shocked you. I don’t usually talk about it and you’d better keep what I’ve told you to yourself…or else,’ Janet warned.

‘I won’t say a word to anyone, honestly I won’t.’

‘You’d better not. As I said, I don’t usually talk about it, but you got me back up.’

‘Did I? How?’

‘You was going on about how good Gertie was to you, how you really liked her, but now, just because she’s a lesbian, it sounds like you’ve turned against her. I wish I’d had someone around like her when I was a kid, someone who’d have taken me in and got me away from here.’

‘Weren’t you evacuated?’

‘Don’t make me laugh. My mum needs someone to look after her, to put her to bed when she staggers home drunk and to clear up her mess. No, she didn’t have me evacuated, ‘cos without me, she’d be lost.’

‘No wonder you want to leave home.’

‘And as soon as I’m earning enough, I will.’

‘Janet, I’m sorry.’

‘It’s me who should be sorry. I keep forgetting that you’re just a kid and so I should’ve kept me mouth shut.’

‘Now you sound like my mother. I’m not a kid. I’m nearly fifteen.’

‘Compared to me at fifteen you’re just a baby. Now, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t saying there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, I wish I’d been so innocent at your age. To be honest, I’m a bit jealous. You’ve got a mum and dad who care about you…who look out for you, which is more than you can say for me. All my mum cares about is where her next drink is coming from and I have to hide most of me wages or she’d leave me without a penny.’

Ellen lowered her eyes. Yes, compared to Janet, she was lucky and realised that now. Janet was right about Gertie too. She
had
been prepared to turn her back on her, had even decided to refuse to see her when she and Maureen came to London again. Now though, she’d welcome them with open arms.

Hilda glanced at the clock.

‘Ellen should be home soon, and I still don’t like her seeing that girl. Janet may be all right, but I’ve heard that her mother’s on the game.’

‘I doubt that. You’ve seen her and I don’t think many men would touch her with a barge pole.’

Yes, Hilda thought, she’d seen Janet’s mother. The woman always looked dreadful, her peroxide blonde hair always showing inches of black roots.
She was skinny too, overly thin, her face thick with make-up that did nothing to hide the ravages of the life she led.

‘I just hope that Janet doesn’t lead Ellen astray.’

‘Ellen’s a good kid and I don’t think we need to worry,’ Doug insisted, then, changing the subject, he said, ‘I wonder if Gertie has found a buyer for that house yet.’

‘I don’t know, but if she has no doubt she’ll be back in London and we’ll find out.’

‘She ain’t a bad sort and I hope she makes a success of that plant nursery she was going on about.’

‘You’ve changed your tune.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Have you forgotten what you accused me of when you were on leave in Somerset?’

‘Bloody hell, typical woman with the memory of an elephant, yet a convenient one.
You
seem to have forgotten that I admitted I was out of order, and that I’ve been fine with Gertie since then.’

‘Yeah, yeah, all right,’ Hilda snapped as she rose to her feet. ‘I’ll make our cocoa.’

‘You look tired. I’ll do it.’

Hilda glanced in the mirror over the mantelpiece. Yes, she did look tired, her eyes dark-ringed and her face devoid of even a scrap of make-up. Yet, even if she could be bothered to wear it, there was no money for powder and lipstick now, and
her voice was sharp as she said, ‘Yes, I look tired, but with the hours I put in, what do you expect?’

‘Go on, rub it in again. Do you think I like being like this? Do you think I like seeing my wife having to work while all I’m fit for is sitting around doing nothing?’

Hilda flopped back down again and covered her face with her hands.

‘I’m sorry, Doug. I don’t know what’s wrong with me nowadays.’

‘I do, and I’ve known it for some time. It’s me, isn’t it? I’m less than a man and one who can’t even make love to his wife.’

‘No, Doug, it isn’t that. It’s just that I’m feeling a bit worn out, that’s all. I’m at work all day and then I have to come home to do the cooking and housework, let alone the washing and ironing.’

‘And I can’t even help you with that.’

‘I know, but do you have to be so miserable all the time, so bitter? And, yes, all right, you can’t make love to me, but you could at least show me a bit of affection. You never even hold me now, or kiss me, let alone cross the gap between us in bed.’

‘What do you expect? If I showed you a bit of affection, you’d get all excited. Then what? I’d have to leave you all het up and what good would that do?’

Hilda took a deep breath, determined to bring
it out into the open at last – determined to say what was on her mind.

‘Doug, there’s more than one way to please a woman.’

‘You wouldn’t be satisfied with that. You’ve always longed for another baby, but with the way I am now that’s never going to happen.’

‘We’ve got Ellen, and one day she’ll grow up, get married, and then we’ll have grandchildren. All right, we won’t have another child of our own, but surely that’s something to look forward to? In the meantime I just want to feel close to you again. I love you, and though we can’t do the things we used to do before your back gave out, as I said, there’s other ways to please each other.’

‘And you’d really be happy with that?’

‘Of course I would.’

At last he smiled.

‘Well, then, I think this calls for an early night.’

‘Ooh, yes please,’ Hilda said, grinning back at him, chuffed that she had at last brought it out into the open. It might not be perfect, but at least she wouldn’t be taut with frustration all the time, and perhaps, just perhaps, their marriage could be a happy one again.

Gertie sighed with relief as she signed the papers, the date November 1946. They had found another buyer for her father’s house, but it had taken a long time, and, though she had kept in touch by letter with Hilda, it had been over a year since she had seen her.

Hilda had written to tell her that Doug was showing a little improvement, but that he was still unable to work, and it seemed that both she and Ellen were in the same jobs. Gertie suddenly realised with a start that Ellen would be sixteen tomorrow.

While waiting for a buyer for her father’s house, she and Maureen had looked at other counties, both falling in love with Dorset. Yet when it came to starting the business, they decided to stay in Surrey – to gain customers they had to be close to a large town with good transport links. With the sale completed and the location settled at last, they could start looking for a decent-sized plot.

Gertie smiled as they left the solicitor’s office. ‘Right, Maureen, we’re all set now.’

‘Are you still sure we’re doing the right thing? Nothing much has changed since the war ended last year and if anything rationing is worse. Vegetables might be more profitable.’

‘At the moment, yes, but I still think there’ll come a time when people will look to flowers again. It’s going to take some time to grow enough stock, especially trees and shrubs. In the meantime, with the amount of money we have behind us, a profit isn’t something we have to worry about for some time yet. First things first, and that means finding a few acres, with decent living accommodation too.’

‘Are you going to tell them now?’

‘Not yet. I’d like to find a decent plot first.’

‘Has it occurred to you that they might not accept?’

‘Of course they will. Now come on, I’ve just remembered that it’s Ellen’s birthday tomorrow. I don’t know how I forgot it, but let’s go and find her a nice present, and as I have something for Hilda too, we’ll pop round to see them before we leave London.’

Ellen glanced at the clock as she finished serving a customer. Only five minutes to go until closing time, and though she still hated working in the
shop, she was happier these days. It had been a long time since she had heard her parents arguing, and despite her dad still being unable to work, he was more like his old self, cracking jokes and making them laugh.

At last Mr Morton turned the sign on the door to ‘closed’, saying, ‘Off you go, Ellen.’

‘Thanks,’ she said, feeling a shiver of excitement. She would be sixteen tomorrow, though her mum still treated her like a child, still refused to let her go dancing on a Saturday night. Janet had said that for her sixteenth birthday Ellen deserved a treat and had worked out a way to get around the problem. Tomorrow night, they would pretend to go to the pictures, but in reality Janet was taking her dancing, along with three other girls, and Ellen couldn’t wait. Janet had been teaching her the jitterbug, and she loved the energetic dance that had become the latest craze since it had been introduced by American servicemen during the war. It was fun, lively, and she just hoped a boy would ask her to dance.

Ellen ran to get her coat from the backroom and left the shop. She saw her mother with her head down against the biting wind as she hurried towards her.

‘Hello, Mum.’

‘It’s bloody freezing. Let’s get home.’

They both almost jumped out of their skin when
they heard a toot behind them, and turned to see a car pulling into the kerb.

‘Ellen, it’s Maureen and Gertie.’

‘Jump in,’ Gertie called.

‘We’re only going round the corner.’

Ellen ignored her mother and scrambled into the back of the car.

‘Hello, Gertie; hello, Maureen.’

Maureen only smiled, but Gertie said, ‘Hello, darling.’

‘Come on, Mum. Get in.’

At last Hilda did, asking, ‘Is this your car, Gertie?’

‘It certainly is and it’s so much nicer than public transport. How are you, Hilda?’

‘Fine, I’m fine.’

Ellen was hardly listening as Gertie drove off. She had never been in a car before and even being driven round the corner was a treat. It had been so long – ages – since she had seen Gertie, but instead of disgust she felt only delight to see her again. Thanks to Janet she no longer felt so naïve. As time had passed, she had learned a lot from her friend, some things shocking, others sad – especially when Janet said that her experience with that so-called uncle had made her frigid, before going on to explain what that meant.

‘As you’re in London, I suppose it means you’ve sold your father’s house?’ her mother now asked Gertie.

‘Yes. It was all signed and sealed today.’

‘That’s good, and are you still going ahead with your business idea?’

‘Probably,’ Gertie said shortly, then turned the corner to pull up outside the house. ‘Here we are.’

Ellen wished the drive could have been longer, but she’d enjoyed it immensely. She climbed out of the car, but once again was in for a shock. For a moment she thought her eyes were deceiving her, that it couldn’t possibly be him, but as he smiled, her heart did a somersault.

‘Billy! What are you doing here?’

‘I’ve got today and the rest of the weekend off and thought it was about time I came to see the parents instead of them travelling down to see me. I was just off to meet Percy. Mum said he’d be walking home about now.’

Ellen couldn’t take her eyes off Billy. It had been so long since she had seen him and he looked so handsome. He was taller, his dark hair longer, and his green eyes were sparkling with interest as he now focused on the car. Ellen managed to tear her eyes away as her mother got out, she too looking with surprise at Billy.

‘Hello, Billy. What are you doing here? Don’t tell me you’ve left the stables.’

‘No, I’ve just come for a short visit.’

Ellen saw Percy strolling down the street and, as Billy left their side to walk up to him, she found
her head reeling. After all this time she thought her feelings for Billy had been nothing – a childish crush, as her mother would have said – but now, seeing him once again, they resurfaced. It was only when her mother spoke that she was roused from her daze.

‘Come on, all of you, let’s get inside.’

Gertie and Maureen followed her mother into the flat, but Ellen found that she couldn’t move as Billy and Percy now drew close. The contrast between them was startling, Billy tall, dark, and Percy a pale shadow by his side.

‘Well, Ellen, look what the cat dragged in,’ Percy said.

‘Yes, I know.’

‘Did I see that woman getting out of that car? What was her name? Yeah, Gertie, that was it.’

Ellen nodded, finding that she was fixated on Billy again.

‘Has she said anything about that plant nursery?’ Percy asked.

‘Not really, and I told you ages ago not to build your hopes up.’

‘What’s all this about?’ Billy asked.

Percy started to explain, but then Ellen saw her mother appear again, her voice impatient. ‘Ellen, it’s about time you came inside.’

‘Yes, all right. Bye, Billy, and maybe I’ll see you again before you go back to Hampshire.’

‘You look great, Ellen, and, yes, you can count on seeing me again,’ he said, grinning widely.

Ellen’s heart skipped a beat and, feeling her face flush, she gave a small wave before hurrying indoors.

Hilda saw her daughter’s red cheeks and her lips tightened. It was Billy, of course, and she hoped the lad wouldn’t be around for long. It was bad enough that Percy was obviously smitten with Ellen, though thankfully his interest wasn’t returned. She wanted more for her daughter than Percy, a lad who worked in a factory – or his brother, who was nothing but a stable boy.

Gertie was talking, asking her something, and Hilda forced her worries to one side for now. ‘Sorry, what did you say, Gertie?’

‘I was asking if you remember any of the ornaments in my father’s house.’

‘Not really. I seem to remember my mother telling us to stay out of most of the rooms so we were nearly always in the kitchen or playing in your bedroom.’

‘She was probably worried that we’d break things. You know what my father was like so you can’t blame her for that. In fact, we almost did once.’

‘Did we?’

‘It was my fault, but luckily no damage was done.’

‘Why are you asking me about the ornaments?’

‘Along with the furniture and paintings, most have gone to auction. They should fetch a good price, but I thought you might like this,’ Gertie said, drawing something out of her bag. ‘I’m sure it’s something you
will
remember.’

Hilda felt overwhelmed as she took the ornament from Gertie’s hand and, as she held the exquisite white porcelain angel, memories of her mother flooded her mind. It had stood on a small hall table on the first floor of her father’s house and they had passed it every time they went up to Gertie’s bedroom. Once, during a playful rumpus when Gertie had been chasing her down the stairs, it had been knocked over, but thankfully and miraculously it had survived the fall.

‘My…my mother loved this.’

‘Yes, I remember. She was furious that we might have broken it and said that it was the most beautiful thing in my father’s house. In fact, if you remember, she said that out of all of his lovely things, it was the one piece she coveted.’

Hilda’s brows shot up. ‘I don’t think she actually used those words.’

‘Well, no,’ Gertie said with a chuckle.

‘The air was blue with her language.’

‘I know, but, as you say, she loved that angel.’

‘Gertie, I can’t take it. It must be worth a lot of money.’

‘Actually, it isn’t, or it would have been in one of my father’s cabinets. I don’t think it was to his taste and probably belonged to my mother. Please, Hilda, I’d like you to have it.’

‘But if it was your mother’s, wouldn’t you like to keep it?’

‘There was so much stuff in the house and I can’t keep it all. I’ve taken some things and have put them in storage for now, but the rest had to be sold.’

‘It’s lovely, Mum,’ said Ellen as she came to Hilda’s side to look at the ornament. ‘I can see why Gran liked it.’

‘My goodness, Ellen, you’re taller than your mother now.’

‘Thanks for pointing that out, Gertie. What with Doug being tall, and now Ellen, I’m beginning to feel like a midget.’

‘Of course you aren’t,’ Maureen protested. ‘I’m only just over five foot and you’re only a little shorter than me.’

‘Ta, that makes me feel a bit better.’

‘We may be small, but, like me, I bet you can stand up for yourself.’

‘Yes, Hilda can do that all right,’ Doug said ruefully.

‘We’ve got something for you too, Ellen,’ said Gertie. ‘It’s for your birthday tomorrow, but it isn’t from Father’s house. It’s in the car and I’ll give it to you before we leave.’

‘Oh, can’t I have it now?’

‘What do you think, Maureen?’

‘Yes, give it to her. It might not fit and we may have to change it before we leave London.’

‘All right then. Here, Ellen, take the car keys and you’ll find a package in the boot.’

Ellen ran from the room, soon returning to rip open the wrapping. She gasped, her eyes wide with delight. ‘Oh, it’s lovely!’

‘You must have used all your coupons to buy that,’ Hilda said as she eyed the lovely blue coat that was cut in the fashionable, square-shouldered military style. Clothes were still rationed, and there were strict rules on the use of materials, even on buttons, with three being the maximum allowed. The cloth looked lovely and Hilda was sure it must have come from a really good shop. New clothes were a luxury now, and most women had to make do and mend, making their own if they could find the material, so this was a real treat for Ellen and she was thrilled for her daughter.

‘Ellen, try it on,’ Maureen urged.

The coat fitted beautifully and as Ellen spun around her eyes sparkled with delight. ‘Gertie, Maureen, thank you, thank you so much.’

‘We’re just glad you like it and that it fits so well.’

‘She looks a treat in it,’ Doug said.

‘Yes, she does,’ Hilda agreed, and though she
didn’t want to acknowledge it, her daughter now looked like a young woman and a lovely one at that. She was growing up fast and would soon be demanding more freedom and to go dancing with that flighty girl, Janet. Then it would be boys, courting…but then Hilda gave herself a mental shake. There was no need to worry about it yet. Ellen would only be sixteen tomorrow and there’d be plenty of time before she started courting. It would be a long way off, in the future; but when that time came, Hilda would see that anyone unsuitable was sent on their way.