Lost and Found (32 page)

Every night after we would put the kids to bed, Cash came
into my room and we made love almost all night. I feel like my heart could explode. Cash on the other hand, has seemed
a little distant, but that's understandable, considering the
anniversary of Vanessa's death coming up.

He has been attentive to the kids and I, but there have been
moments to where I would catch him just staring into space
with a somber look on his face.
He mentioned me staying with Claudia tonight, since he would be getting home late because of a board meeting earlier this week and I didn't think anything of it at first, but
I felt like he was lying to me.

I had been working out in the gym while Eden was taking
her naps and didn't get one in today, so I head up on the elevator to the 4th floor to work out before I head to Claudia's, because the kids had just left.

Amelia wanted to make sure I was going to be at Eden's party and I assured her I would be there with Claudia,
because Eden had invited her to her birthday party. I didn't
tell her that Cash and I were going to go on our first official
date after the party and I would be leaving with him.

As I'm getting closer to the fourth floor on the elevator, I
hear music blaring. The door opens when I reach the floor
and it’s not coming from the gym. It sounds like it’s
coming from the suite on the top floor.

I know that Lucas and Carmen are already gone, so there's
no one else it could be. I'm suddenly scared because I'm
alone in the house. I pull my cell phone out and dial 911,
but don't push send; I just want to have it ready in case. I
push the number five to go upstairs and I'm shaking.

As I get closer, the music is louder and I realize how
depressing and haunting it sounds. I know immediately
who's up there and I was right. He lied to me and I'm not
sure if I should leave him alone and give him some privacy, or just go back downstairs.

I think back to him telling me once that he got so drunk that
he tried to drive off a cliff. This is what makes me continue on, because I want to take his keys from him if indeed he's plastered, and it would kill me if he did anything to harm
himself.

The elevator doors open and the music is so loud I can't
even hear myself think. I slowly step out, peeking around
the room looking for Cash and the first thing I see is the big
TV, and I see him and Gideon from when he was a baby on
the beach.

I walk a little closer, so that I don't disturb him and I can't
keep from watching what is on the TV. Cash has an almost
empty bottle of scotch on the table in front of him and I see a full bottle beside that one. I'm suddenly wondering how
long he's been up here obviously hiding.

I see Cash throwing Gideon up in the air, catching him and
see him laughing and all full of excitement. He looks to be
about a year and a half. Suddenly, Cash reaches for the
camera and it is now on Vanessa and my breath catches at
how beautiful she was.

I see where Eden took after her completely. She looks to be
of Latino descent with her beautiful long dark brown hair to
her gorgeous humongous brown eyes and her beautiful smile.

I believe she is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen
pregnant, and I can tell just by the way she's looking at Cash,
that she was deeply in love with him. It puts tears in my
eyes at what he has missed out on with her and I suddenly
feel that I should leave. I feel as if I'm walking on her grave, by witnessing this precious moment of their lives.

I turn around and start walking towards the elevator and all
of a sudden the music stops. I slowly turn around, hoping
that he doesn't hear me and he's standing behind the couch,
facing me with a furious look on his face. I'm scared,
because I've never ever seen this look on his face.

"What in the HELL are you doing up here, Olivia?"

Yeah, he's mad, because we are back to Olivia. I look
behind me. He had paused the TV and I see Vanessa
looking back at me, making me feel ugly and feel that I
didn't deserve to be here.

"I'm sorry. I was in the elevator going to work out and I
heard music. I thought that I was the only one in the house. I'm leaving now."

"Yeah right! This is my house, ya know. Don't lie to me,
you got nosey!" He is so drunk that he's slurring his
speech.

"If you will recall, you said you had a board meeting
tonight and it would be late before you got home and
mentioned I stayed at Claudia's. I don't think I was the one
lying."

I start walking to the elevator and I hear him walking
towards me, so I start running and push the close doors
button. I am not dealing with a drunk tonight. I'm waiting
for the doors to hurry up and shut before he reaches them
and all of a sudden he's there and the doors shut in his face.
He starts screaming my name through the door as its
descending

I'm glad I took my bag out to my car before I went to work
out, because if I know Cash, he's coming back down the
elevator after me. As soon as the elevator opens on the first
floor, there he is when the doors open. I'm confused, because
I thought the elevator was the only way to get up to that
floor. He must have noticed the look on my face.

"What? You didn't think there were stairs? What if this
place were to catch on fire?" He could have included that
in the tour.

"Cash, I'm sorry I invaded your privacy. I'm going to leave
you to it. Claudia is waiting for me. Make sure you grab
Eden's gifts to take to the party. You are still going to her
party, aren't you?" He looks pissed again.

"Of course I am! Why would you think I wasn't? I knew I couldn't do my usual drunk fest tomorrow on the
anniversary, so yes, I lied to you, because I wanted to do it
tonight! Is that a problem for you?"

I knew he hadn't gotten past his grief. Not even close. I
just want to slap myself right now for being right.

"Absolutely not! Just stay here and don't do anything
stupid, okay?"

I lean forward to give him a kiss, but he backs away and
acts like I repulse him. Okay... That hurt!

"Bye, Cash" I turn and open the door and he slams it shut
before I open it all the way.

"Why ya running this time, Liv?" He's at the back of my
neck and I can't move. What is he doing?

"I'm not running. I told you, I have plans with Claudia. Just
leave me alone and open the door."

"Why didn't you just leave me alone and mind your own
business?"

Now I understand what his problem is. He's embarrassed
that I caught him, because he's been the one of the two of us professing about how he's done grieving and moving
forward. I turn around and look at him.

"Do you really want to know why? Because I didn't want to
find out in the morning that you've wrapped yourself
around a tree! That's why! But right now? As mean as
you're being to me, I really don't care!"

I'm jabbing him with my finger with every other word, and I
have him back against the wall. I continue ripping him
a new one.

"No, I don't mean that, I do care. I care too much, but
obviously you've been lying to yourself about this whole ‘
I'm moving forward’ bullshit! Which I don't blame you. Why are you wasting your time with me? I didn't realize
Vanessa was so beautiful. You should be with someone
like Claudia! At least she's as beautiful as
Vanessa! I'm mediocre, compared to both of them!"

"Liv! You don't mean that! You really have no idea how
beautiful you are, do you? Good lord! Did Derek not ever
tell you how beautiful you are?" He didn't, but I'm sick of
him talking bad about Derek.

"I don't want to talk about it. I'm leaving, Cash. Have fun!" I head back to the door.

"If you leave, I'm going to get in my car and follow you. I
don't want to stay here alone tonight." His voice is cracking
and I stop and turn around to look at him.

"Wasn't your whole plan meant for you to be alone? How
come you don't want to be alone now? I told you... I have
plans with Claudia, we are going to dinner." I'm not letting
him change my plans. No matter how upset he seems to
be.

"Then I'll go to dinner with you both. I'm NOT staying
here! I don't trust myself, Liv." That statement tugs at my
heart and I know what to do to help him.

"Ok Cash, but you need a shower, because you smell like
scotch and you're drunk! Hurry up! You've got ten
minutes." He runs up to me and pulls me into his arms and
kisses me.

"Thank you, Liv! I promise I'll be on my best behavior."

I see Gideon in his child like face and realize that that's just
what he has been acting like. Like a child that got caught
doing something he shouldn't have been doing, and I just gave him a reprieve. I can already tell that this is going to
be a long night.

********************

Fifteen minutes later, we are on the highway heading to
Claudia's and neither of us have said anything since he
came downstairs with a bag of clothes to change into. I
want to turn the radio on, because the silence is killing me,
so I reach towards the radio and turn it on.

"Did it bother you after the accident to drive?" Oh, okay. I
turn the radio on and now he wants to talk. I’m not exactly
crazy about the question either.

"Why? Are you afraid that I'm going to kill you?" Wow!
That was a bitchy comeback, which let me know that I'm
still somewhat hurt.

"No, I'm not afraid for my life, Liv. I was just wondering,
because some people never drive again when they've been
in such a bad car accident." It is a legitimate question, so I
calm down and answer him.

"After it happened, my parents came to visit for a month to
help me with the funerals and life insurance stuff and I
guess you could say I was probably under suicide watch,
because they really didn't have to stay that long. Well, I
would have my dad take me every day to see Derek and the
kids at the cemetery and when it got close to time for them to leave, my dad asked me how I was going to visit them if
I refused to drive."

He leans over and grabs my hand, which is on the arm
rest. I glance over at him and he's nodding his head for me to continue and I can tell that he's sobered up a little.

"Since the life insurance money had come in, Dad took me
car shopping and after we bought the car, he made me drive.
I held onto the steering wheel as tight as I could and cried
all the way to the cemetery.
My dad just kept telling me what a good job I was doing
and to keep it up. When we finally got there, I
broke down and he held me and I don't know… It just helped
me overcome my fear of driving. I don't know what I
would have done if my dad hadn't have pushed me to do it."

"I can understand your fear. That's why I freaked out at the
possibility of you being pregnant. Which I'm sorry, Liv. I
still stand by how I feel and there's nothing you can say to
change my mind about it. I hope you can understand that." I
refuse to have this conversation again, so I just nod, because
the last thing I want to do is argue.

"Since you asked me a tough question, it's my turn. What
was today all about? Are you rethinking moving on?
Rethinking us being together? Because if you are, what we
are doing needs to stop now! Before I'm hurt any worse." I
look over at him and his head is down.

"Liv, today had nothing to do with you and please don't
say that. I meant every word I ever told you. I love you
very much and no I'm not rethinking moving forward.
Today was about me and realizing that it was the
anniversary and I was feeling like I didn't deserve how
happy I've been feeling, because every year I purposely try to hurt myself and what I ended up doing was hurt you in
the process. It won't happen again." He unhooks his seat
belt, turns towards me, and pulls my hand to his lips.