Losing You: a prequel to It's Not Over (5 page)

Running into the building I came to a halt when I saw her sitting in the office about the sixth cubical down the narrow passage of offices.  The glass shielded me from hearing the discussion.  I sat down outside the office on a bench with a view of her.  Witnessing her aggravation, the gestures with her hands, the shuffling of papers, whatever her problem was it was a big one.  After observing her for a half hour I got up and stretched, paced a little then sat back down on the bench.  If she needed help she had to know I am here for her.  Another forty-five minutes had gone by bringing me to my feet again.  This time I went for a drink at the fountain.  When I turned she came out the door.  Her eyes showed how troubled her emotions were when they met mine.  The stare lingered between us, both afraid to make a move.  Trying to ease her pain my mouth opened to offer her my help, but nothing came out.  I cleared my throat and tired again, but she was already heading to the door. 

I ran and stood in front of her, “Is everything okay?”

Her gaze made it back to my eyes and she shook her head no as the tears filled them.

I caused her more pain, “Is there something I can do to help?”

She shook her head pushing forward to get past me, but passed my arms and into my chest with her face hard.  Not expecting her to react this way I enveloped her into my arms.  I wrapped my hand around her head to hold her to me and wrapped my other arm around her to hold her tight.  Air filled my lungs to the fullest for the first time in months.  As I took in the scent of her hair it filled my nose and I buried my face to her head whispering, “Jess, Its okay.  I am here now.”

Yes, that was the wrong thing to say.  She was letting me hold her until I opened my mouth.  She pushed me away and started to walk away.  I grabbed her and pulled her back to me, “Jess, please tell me what is going on that has you this upset.”

Her eyes came back to mine and I wanted to drop to my knees and beg her to forgive me.  They were so green but the whites of her eyes red.  I let go of her and stared into those eyes.  She hit me full force with her body again wrapping her arms around my waist hugging and squeezing me so tight.  So confused, so tell me why I’m in love with this crazy over emotional girl.  Oh, yeah, I could breathe when she was around.

Lifting her into my embrace I carried her out.  She wrapped her legs around my waist and held on to me like her life depended on my hold.  When we passed Kevin he gave me nod of approval.  I had my Jess back just like that.  I whispered to her ear, “Do you want me to take you to your room?”

She shook her head no. 

“Do you want me to bring you home?”

She shook her head again.

“Do you want to go home with me?”

She nodded.  I was bringing my baby home with me.

“Do you need anything from your room?”

She shook her head no, so I headed straight for my truck.  I opened the door and set her down on the driver’s seat.  She scooted over so I slid in next to her.  She laid down right away with her head on my thigh and her face to my stomach.  Tracing my fingers through her hair as I drove to my apartment brought me back to our past, our love, and our future together.

Sliding out of the truck I pulled her with me until I could take her into my arm again carrying her into the apartment.  The further we got the tighter she held onto me.  Finding a chair near the table I sat holding my love.  Enjoying every minute of holding her I needed to understand this turn of events.  I pressed my lips to her head asking, “Jess, are you going to tell me what is going on with you?  I can’t help you if I don’t know what to do.”

She shook her head tucked her face deeper into my neck.  As much as I loved that she wanted to be this close I needed to know so I could help her. 

“Jess, I need to know.  I have to call your dad back.”

Everything ended abruptly.  She pushed away from me standing up yelling at me, “Why do you have to call him about everything.  Shit, Paul.”

Confused by this I stood too.  If she tried to run I would stop her.

“Where is the bathroom?”

I pointed to a short hallway, directing her to use the one off my room.  She stormed into it closing the door behind her.  Standing by my bedroom door waiting for her to come out so we could talk, trying to clear my name, “Jess, I called him to see if he knew why you were in the admission’s office.  I wanted to help, but I promised I would call him back.”

She opened the door and stood there glaring at me like I had done the worst thing in the world.  Trying for the innocent stare, knowing that I screwed up again, I crossed my arms over my chest. Frustrated with everything to do with her I found myself being short with her, “Jess, what do you want from me?  I want to make you happy and everything I do makes you miserable.”

She moved to me wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her face to my chest, “This helps the most.”

Such a simple gesture, worry filled my chest.  With her in my arms I would do anything she asked of me right now.

She peeked over my shoulder, “Is this your room?”

I pulled her to the living room, “Yes, it is but that doesn’t fix things, Jess.”

She smiled up at me with light in her eyes.  Her arms wrapped around my waist again as we headed to the living room.  I sat down on the couch, while she climbed into my lap.  We sat and held each other silently.  I wondered what I should do to help her, but I was so happy to have her in my arms that I didn’t push the subject of what’s wrong.  The silence between us left my mind wandering with a million unanswered questions.  The main one being, what made her so miserable that she came to my open arms?

We did well just sitting there, but I lost it when she kissed my neck.  I lifted her chin to me and kissed her mouth.  Another mistake I had to make because when she kissed me back it released all of my control.  I moved to her mouth consuming her.  This wasn’t a child’s game anymore.   We were both consenting adult, though I had agreed not to take her virginity until she agreed to marry me, the thought made my loins jump to attention.  My hands held her face trembling with wanting to hold her harder to me.  In one swift move I lifted her off my lap and lay her down moving next to her so I could feel her whole body against mine.  The kisses a playful dance of lust, as I traced mine against hers, nibbled on each lip, sucked her in for more.  Her leg wrapped around my hip allowing my erection the sensation of heat from her to entice it more.  I felt my body press against hers even though my head was telling me no.  If she wants to make love I am not turning her away, that’s what I always did in the past to preserve her innocence.  With any luck she would get pregnant the first time around and she would have to marry me.  Her hand came up to mine and gently loosened my grip on her face.  Her lips pressed to mine but then pulled away from me and tucked into my neck.  Not sure of what would come next I scooted to my back while she draped her body against mine.  Her leg coming up to rest on the over grown hard on in my pants, her mouth found my neck again but this time she whispered, “I love you, Paul.”  I pulled her tight to my body pressing my lips to her head.  My heart raced, my breath panting from the excitement of her affections.  It took a while before I could calm myself taking sweet long breaths against her, holding her.  My baby is home, now I had to find a way to keep her here.

When I felt the heat of her breath rhythm against my neck I knew she slept.  I wanted to sleep too, but I was afraid this would all end.

Matt walked in and looked at us lying on the couch.  He walked over glancing down, “Is that Jess?”

“Who else would it be?”

“I should have known better.  I can see the difference in you already.”

“What do you mean?”

“You look… happy.”

I am happy.  I have my Jess in my arms and I could breathe again.

Jess spoke, “Hi Matt.”

“Hey, Jess.  Glad you’re back.”

“I was never gone.”

“Oh, yes you were to Paul.”

She looked up at me and smiled, “I should go back to the dorm.”

I shook my head, “You should stay here at least for the night.  You can have my room and I will stay on the couch if you want.”

She gave me that soft little smile and started to get up from our cuddling session.  I held her hand to stop her from moving away from me.

“Paul, like you said this doesn’t fix things.  I need to go back to the dorm now.”

I shook my head not looking at her.  My hands trembled as I let go of hers.  I put my head in my hands entangling my fingers in my hair to pull it out if she said she didn’t love me, “I can’t, Jess.”

“What do you mean you can’t?  Are you going to keep me captive?”

I huffed, “If I have to… yes.”

She turned to Matt for help, “Matt, will you please take me back to the dorm?”

He laughed falling down in the chair, “I can’t either, Jess.  I hate to say this but you two belong together.”

Her hand brushed under my chin pulling my face upward.  I shook my head until my eyes met hers.  I would do anything she wants, but let go of her even for a minute.

“Paul, I shouldn’t have let this happen.  It will hurt more and I can’t do that again.  Why won’t you take me back to the dorm?”

“I’m scared that I won’t ever have this chance again.”

Determined to keep her here I went to my room grabbing a large T-shirt and a pair of boxers setting them on the bed.  When she peeked into the room I pointed, “There, you can sleep in that.  You can have my room and my bed.  I will take you back early enough to get to class.”

She tilted her head, “This is going to hurt worse, Paul.”

“I don’t care.  I am not letting you go.”

Not wanting to hear her say no I stormed to the living room, sat down on the couch, and folding my arms on my chest.

Jessica

Picking up the T-shirt taking in the smell of him that lingered on it.  My heart grew with comfort with his scent.  It wasn’t sweaty; more of a manly scent of working outside, but a hint of musk cologne.  After changing into the T-shirt, I pulled back the covers and crawled across his big bed into its warmth.  My reward for caving to Paul’s open arms.  Not a hard mattress that creaked of plastic every time you move.  Tracing my hands over his sheets and up to the pillows, grabbing one I sat back up pulled it to my face and inhaled his scent again.

The guilt that overwhelmed me about Paul already hurting, how would he be able to handle me leaving for a year?  I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t.  He would never let me go, but I had to now that I agreed.  Plus, maybe seeing others hurt and suffering would make mine seem foolish.  At least that’s what I hoped.  This is my opportunity to find anything else that I had to get rid of.  Not finding anything in his drawers or in the closet to remind him of me satisfied my curiosity until I turned on his lap top finding a huge picture of us together.  Stopping at his house to get rid of our relationship didn’t get rid of everything.  This all had to go before I left.  It would be easier if he didn’t have to be reminded daily of me.  I went back to the bed and heard a knock on the door.  Covering up a little I answered, “Come in.”

This amazing good looking man walked in with eyes on me.  That crooked smile on his face as if he’s up to something.  His eyes so worn; I supposed that’s my fault for not seeing him.  He did sleep in the hallway for almost two weeks.  He walked to his dresser and took out shorts and a muscle shirt, “Just grabbing clothes, Jess, and then I will leave you alone.”

I sat there watching him search slowly to get things out.  I knew he hoped I would ask him to stay, but if I did the pain would be so much worse when I left.  It isn’t about what I wanted or needed, it’s about protecting him the same way I protected myself.  I didn’t want him to hurt deep down in his gut, like the world would be better without him, the way I do every day.  The knowledge of me leaving and not seeing him killed me a little more each day.  I thought about the meeting with the administrator.  He advised me that I’d pass my classes based on my homework and I wouldn’t have to take any finals due to volunteering to help a third world country.  The whole time he had talked to me I focused on not seeing Paul, not hurting him, and no more pain and suffering for me.

Not paying attention to Paul lost in my own world until I heard my name on his mouth, “Jess,”

Catching me off guard I jumped, “Yes,”

His eyes so caring as they stared at me, “Are you okay, really okay?”

Trying to hold it all in I nodded, but my eyes stung threating to tear up.  All I thought about now days happen to be the man that stood in front of me now.  How I wanted to give into letting him have my heart, but with me leaving the pain I would cause him.  I had to protect him from hurting again.

He came to sit on the bed and traced his hand along my cheek, “Please let me help you.  Tell me and I can help fix whatever it is that has upset you.”

I reached up and touched his chest and gazed into his eye, “My sadness is from missing you, Paul.”  I didn’t lie.

The slight grin washed from his face but his eye didn’t leave mine, “Why didn’t you tell me you’re here?  We could have had the whole year together.”