Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas (16 page)

And I had been so wrong.

That evening, I went home and tried to sort out my head. There were too many voices telling me what to do. I took off my clothes, got into my pyjamas and ordered a pizza and a brownie. I was depressed and hungry. I lay on my lovely bed and thought I should tell Aditi to come over. But before I could do that, my phone buzzed. I looked at it. It was a text from Arjun.

‘Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m madly in love with you. I beg you. Don’t break my heart.’

I refused to reply. I put on the TV and tried to distract myself. My phone buzzed again. It was Arjun. Man, he was persistent!

‘I promise to make us work, if you let me.’

I had more ego than love right now. I wasn’t going to SMS back. He could keep texting me the whole night, I thought. Let him
really
be hurt.

But the messages stopped. That was it. No more. And that pissed me further.

Shouldn’t he be more remorseful? Doesn’t he want me back?

The food came. I realized that this relationship was making me fat. I wasn’t one of those women who didn’t feel like eating when she was stressed. I was one of those who needed to eat more after a heartbreak. I thought food would be comforting, but halfway through stuffing my face with calorie-laden food, I started crying. I left the pizza on the floor of the living room and went to my room and slept.

Arjun didn’t SMS after that. I kept getting up at night to check if he had. Secretly, I hoped for many more repentant SMSes. But none came. I felt even more devastated. And when I woke up, I decided to delete him from my life. The next few days, there was so much work that I could not meet Aditi. I had to translate articles of senior delegates for a brochure for a conference to be held the following weekend. I plunged myself into work so I wouldn’t think about my sorrow, that I would forget the loneliness. But caught in the crevasses of time, not being able to face the disconcerting feeling of being alone, I made another dumb mistake.

I started SMSing Arjun again.

And Arjun would SMS on and off and our relationship went back to the comfortable friendship that it used to be. This is what I loved about him, his ability to make me feel alive and special, the ability to make me laugh about my work and take it easy. His naughty SMS followed by my cribbing about work led us to being friends who would ‘figure things out’. And that, I suppose, seemed good enough for now as compared to the depressed and lonely feeling I had been having for some time.

But I needed to tell Aditi. I needed female companionship. I met up with her the following Sunday evening. I was wearing my lovely new black skirt and an old, beige, silk top and some earrings and was feeling quite optimistic. Aditi smashed my positive attitude in seconds!

‘He’s what?’ she gaped, in mid sentence at the Brouhaha Lounge, as soon as we’d ordered.

‘Ya. He’s having a baby with his wife.’

‘What is wrong with you? And you’re still talking to him?’ I nodded my head.

Aditi was appalled, ‘I can keep telling you what a scum bag he is, but until you feel it’s over, it really won’t be.’ She elucidated every word in her usual manner. ‘You are clinging to a man who is giving you less than you deserve. How much more
understanding
do you want to be? Till he uses you as a doormat and throws you away in a few years when he finds someone he can truly respect?’

I was upset. ‘That’s harsh,’ I said.

But she continued, ‘There’s a saying—for every minute you’re unhappy, you’ve lost 60 seconds of happiness. How many seconds have you already lost from your life by being with him?’

I reflected on that. She was right. Reality was that he was going to have a child! Someone who would be part of his life forever. And if I was with him, the child might be a part of mine as well. From mistress to stepmom—in the blink of an eye! Was reality so difficult for me to see?

I wanted to focus on what was good about us, what he was giving to me. So I said something that sounded logical only in my head, ‘I can’t base my entire love on him being physically present for me constantly.’

Aditi took a long sip of her drink and held out a cigarette. A waiter came to light it. She smoked occasionally and I profusely objected to it most times. But tonight I needed one as well. That was one too many, too soon, but I forgave myself.

She finally said, ‘I told you to treat this as a fling. But you went and fell in love with him. Whereas he still treats this as a fling.’

Hmmm. That made sense. I should start thinking about Arjun as someone who gives me that momentary happiness. And use him for that. After all, maybe I was the one who read the signs all wrong. Or maybe, I was just fooling myself again.

‘You’re delusional,’ Aditi commented. I looked at her with a wry smile.

Aditi continued, ‘Alright. I know you’re not going to give him up. So I give up. I won’t even lecture you about it anymore.’

I smiled at her and looked away. We surveyed the room. It was filled with young career oriented people ranging in the age group of twenty-five to thirty. Most of them were couples, sitting on the white sofas against the glittering gold walls whispering to each other as the music became louder. They looked happy and in love. Not confused and in misery.

‘Maybe he has stopped loving you because you’ve turned into his wife!’ Aditi said suddenly, still looking at the couple who were toasting to each other now.

‘Who says he’s stopped loving me?’ I asked indignantly.

‘Well, maybe not stopped loving, but he’s definitely not head over heels about you.’ Before I could object she continued, ‘If he was really in love with you, my dear, he would be here right now instead of me. He would be taking you out!’

I mused over that again and she took the opportunity to continue advising, ‘Okay. So here’s the way to go with this. Be the diva he fell in love with. Don’t be the empty glass, be the colourful alcoholic drink he desires,’ here she raised her glass which was already half empty and drank the rest in one gulp. She continued, ‘Be out of love. Use him for sex! My original theory. But be on the lookout for someone new.’

It wasn’t so easy to be out of love, I thought. How could you go from being in love to thinking the relationship was a fling? Really, ‘Love’ sometimes needs a manual! This was the exact reason why I had not been involved with a man till I turned thirty. In hindsight, maybe I should have waited a few more years.

‘The best way to get over a man is to get under another one!’ she exclaimed.

Aditi rambled on in the background about how love and sex needed to be different. How she had warned me about the dangers of being in love with a married man and how I should listen to her about the ways of getting out of this relationship. But I loved Arjun. I didn’t know the exact reasons why, but I did. He knew me better than anyone. Even Aditi. He understood me better than my parents. I excused myself to go to the loo.

I looked in the mirror and saw a woman very much in love. He wasn’t just having a fling. She believed in him.

And again, I did a dumb thing.

I took out my phone and sent him an SMS—‘I believe in us. I believe this love can’t be fake. I believe that God wouldn’t have brought us together if He didn’t believe we deserve this love. You are everything I’ve wanted in a man. I don’t need to search anymore. This is not the end. We will get through this together. I will never let you go.’

He immediately replied with ‘Thank you, baby, for keeping the faith.’

Okay, so it was snappy and curt. But it made me feel better. It made me feel
real
. I went back to Aditi with a better outlook and enjoyed the evening, even though she kept giving me gyan throughout the night.

There comes a time in one’s life when you really wonder what you were thinking. Because when you look back at your life, you know that obviously you weren’t thinking straight. For some people, it can be about the way they dress. For some, it’s about their decision to take up a job they hated. And for some it’s about the marriage decision they’ve made. For me, it was the decision to stay with Arjun, even after he told me he was having a baby with his wife. I knew then what the term ‘hopelessly in love’ meant. It meant that you’re hopeless to even think straight when you’re in love.

Arjun and I continued meeting after his wife returned from her parents’ place. But this time, things had changed. He was not available in the evenings or on weekends. I had to maintain a distance, so I couldn’t call or SMS when he was at home. He didn’t want to upset his wife and cause any danger to her pregnancy since she was already in a delicate state. At times, I was frustrated and really angry, but then he would take a day off every week to see me, and once, we even went away for the weekend to Alibaugh and I was back in love with him. This cycle repeated itself and it seemed good enough for me. As soon as I would get upset with the situation, he would pacify me by taking me to a fancy restaurant or coming over to make love. And as usual, our sex was so amazing that it made me forget all the bad things that were happening. But one thing I could not forget was the loneliness that had come creeping into my life.

And this aloneness translated into depression. Where I was earlier confused about why I was depressed, I now knew the exact reason behind the raging illness. It was because I was ‘hopelessly in love’. Everyone has one friend in his or her lifetime who is supportive, encouraging and who loves you unconditionally and tells you exactly what you want to hear, even if it means being brutal. Aditi was my best friend. When I had any problem, I would go to her.

Today I was feeling low. I was having a tussle between my head and heart.

My heart was saying that I loved him and he loved me. My head was saying I deserved better. So I called Aditi and she immediately came over. We sat on my bed with the AC on, and a hot cup of tea. The opposites in my life were blaring!

‘I’m feeling so mad at myself,’ I started off. ‘I’m feeling like such a loser.’

‘Kavu,’ Aditi interrupted.

‘No, let me finish … I have a feeling that I shouldn’t have given myself to this at all! I should have listened to you. I’m completely useless in matters of love.’

‘Listen Kavu, please stop being so harsh on yourself. It’s okay if you want to break up with him today, it’s okay if you want to get back with him tomorrow and it’s okay if you don’t decide and let things be. I’m not going to judge you and more importantly, please don’t judge yourself. You are a strong, intelligent, independent woman who deserves to feel like a queen. If you are unfulfilled and unhappy, then you need to take a call. Always be happy.’

This was a new side to Aditi I had never seen before. But instead of talking to her about her life and her goals, I went back to being self-absorbed. And after pondering on her comment for some time I replied, ‘I’m not happy. With life.’

‘So what can you do?’ she asked softly, sincerely.

‘I don’t know.’

‘It’s okay, babe, not to know. You are a gentle soul. A really caring person.’

‘Ya and look where’s that led me,’ I said, extremely dejected and angry.

‘Shut up. Don’t keep badgering yourself.’

I started crying and, between my sobs, I said, ‘I can’t let go of him. I tried to make him jealous, but he’s still not responding … I tried to call him, but he’s busy … I’ve tried to steel my heart against him, but I want …’

Aditi waited for me to finish sobbing and I continued, ‘I want him on my terms. I want him to be there for me when I need him. I don’t want him to be there when it’s convenient, or when he’s not too tired, or when his wife doesn’t need him. I want him to make me feel special.’

Aditi nodded understandingly, not talking, just letting me be. None of her usual gyan hurled at me. She had turned into a patient, understanding, mature friend and I could not even see it then.

‘It’s just so hard getting out of bed and doing anything … I want to curl up and go back to sleep every morning I wake up!’ I sobbed as I continued to rant. ‘I get into autos and start crying half way through the journey. And I can’t stop … because it’s just too painful! I can’t push myself to exercise because my body feels like lead. I can’t work because all I can think of is why is this happening to me?’

‘Welcome to the world of a heartbreak, babe,’ Aditi said jokingly and smiled. ‘I want you to know that I will be there for you no matter what you do. I will always have your back.’ And then after a pause, she added more firmly, ‘But I seriously hope you do the right thing.’

‘I don’t know how to let go, Aditi,’ I said with grave importance.

‘Think how you will be affected long-term and make your decision. But just be happy. And be at peace with yourself …’ And then after a long pause, she added, ‘And Kavu, being alone is not such a bad thing. Because if the alternative is compromising on your values, your happiness, your integrity, loneliness is just a minor aberration … you need to know you will find someone who will care for you. The way you want. And there will be a person out there. Maybe not today, maybe not in a year, but one day. And he will come. You need to hold on to who you are. Only then can you survive this game of love.’

‘It’s a game?’ I asked incredulously.

‘Yes, darling. It’s a game.’

‘I don’t want to play games. I’m not good at games.’

‘No one wants to. But you’ll learn. And it won’t be tough. And when you really fall in love, it won’t be a game anymore.’

‘When will that be?’

‘One day, babe. One day …’

I sighed, feeling better already. And then a thought occurred to me. I asked her, ‘What if I’m too old and too judgemental to see the Love? I mean, isn’t it supposed to have happened by now?’

She shook her head like a wise sage and replied, ‘Love is not about the
rest of your life
.’

‘Then?’ I asked.

‘Sometimes it’s just about having a great cup of coffee together.’

And I remembered that. And I knew I would think of her when that happened.

One day after I had finished work and Aditi had finished a shoot schedule, we were lazing around in my apartment watching TV and drinking hot coffee from a new filter she had bought. We weren’t making conversation. Aditi had said all she needed to about Arjun, how she felt about him, what he was doing to me, where it was ‘not’ going, everything. And I had made it clear that I loved him and I was willing to wait for him to come back to me, even if it meant being a stepmom to his child. So there was nothing left for Aditi and me to say to each other and we switched channels till we found something that numbed my pain and her exhaustion. One channel was showing the best bakeries in the world.