Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas (13 page)

He kept quiet for the longest time and then as an afterthought sighed and said, ‘When did love become so conditional? If all relationships start with no strings attached, then why do they become so dependent half way through?’ He continued even as he got up, went to the kitchen and brought back the tub of Ferrero Rocher gelato we had ordered with our dinner. ‘Women should just be happy in the thought of love. He loves you, you love him, let it be. Why do women eventually always want more? And then the relationship becomes about the woman trying to dominate the man. Women can never let a man go out and smoke, or drink, or party with the boys. And if a woman goes out to do the same with girls, a man has to respect her “independence”. Where is the equality in today’s world? It’s all in favour of women, really.’

Then he started feeding me the gelato with a spoon and all I said was, ‘Please don’t drop this on my bed. I’ve just changed the sheets this morning.’ I heard him muttering, ‘Nag!’

But I thought about what he just said. He did make sense. We all want to be free and independent. But we choose to find companions to change and then become dependent on them. Why do all relationships turn into a game of controlling each other, when, in the beginning, we’re ready to give so much space to each other? But he hadn’t answered my original question. And as I was soon to find out, he never would.

For now, I was too deep into him to realize what a great dodger he was. And with that, he shut off the TV, put the gelato on the side table, and took me in his arms and murmured about how I should show him he was not equal or worthy to be with me. I could not argue any more. He had decided what we should do for the rest of the night. And even though I wasn’t pleased with his answers, I knew I shouldn’t push him too hard or I would push him away forever.

But things started going wrong very quickly. I wanted more. And he was not ready. I gave in most of the time because the sex was so damn good! I wondered if all relationships headed in this direction. Soon, work became more important for him. Then there was always family who would pop out of nowhere. Family that he needed to take care of. A sick aunt, an old grand uncle, a cousin recovering from cancer. They popped out of the woodwork. And being the great family person he was, he could never say no to them. Which meant he had to say no to me. As an understanding girlfriend, I tried to act cool and let him do the things he needed to. But I secretly kept hoping he would ditch something, someone, sometime, and want to be with me. I hoped he needed me as much as I needed him. I hoped he wasn’t with me only for the sex.

And then a thought hit me one fine day.
Where was I going in my life
? I knew what I wanted. But how come I wasn’t getting it?

Then one day, it became a bit too much for my patience and I lost my cool. Once again, he had ditched me for something that he could ‘just not get out of’, as he put it, and I told him the words that men hate to hear and women hate to say, ‘I think we should take a break.’

But, as usual, he wouldn’t accept and convinced me to meet him at Coffee De to try and change my mind.

‘Kaveri,’ he started off, ‘I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I’ve been so stressed with work and my family is pulling me in all directions.’

‘So stop!’ I said, still in a grumpy mood.

‘I can’t. I’m so tied up! I know I’ve put our relationship on hold, but I thought we had reached a point where I could … at least for some time …’

He saw my face thinking about it and so he continued, ‘I thought you would be more understanding towards my situation. You don’t really have a full-time job. You can work as you please and you don’t have responsibilities like I do! Please try and be more supportive. I promise I will do anything you ask once this bad phase is over.’

I know I didn’t have a full-time job, but my commitments were important to me. I had given up a few projects so I could spend more time with
him
. I had responsibilities towards my maid, my clients and my parents. But I didn’t tell him that. His obligations obviously seemed far more important.

‘Okay,’ I said, categorically, ‘I want to know where we stand.’ If I was going to be patient, I needed to know I was a priority.

‘What do you mean?’ he asked, seemingly annoyed with this topic again. He called for the waiter and frowned back at me.

‘Well, where is this relationship going?’ I demanded, with my arms folded over the table.

‘When we met I thought you said you were on a road trip to discover life.’ He tried to pawn off the responsibility on me.

‘Well, yes. But …’ I said, trying to figure out my thoughts suddenly.

‘So, fantastic! I want you to fulfill your dreams. We’ve always said we’re such individual people who need space and freedom. So I’m giving you all the space you need, darling. You should do whatever makes you happy Kaveri.’ The waiter brought over our regular orders. His was a black Americano. Mine was a cappuccino.

What would make me happy, I thought, is getting married to you. But had I said that, I would have sounded un-cool and clingy.

‘With no strings attached …’ he was continuing in the background sipping his drink. But somewhere I had faded out his conversation. If he didn’t love me enough to know what I wanted, why was I with this man?

‘Arjun,’ I heard myself saying, ‘I think we need to give each other some space.’

‘That’s exactly what I’m saying … No, wait a minute. That sounded ominous,’ he said, quickly correcting his earlier statement.

‘No. I mean, we need to break up. I really can’t go on with this constant ditching. When am I going to be a priority for you?’ I heard myself echoing Aditi’s words.

‘Baby, you’re always my priority. Sometimes life gets in the way, but you are always my priority and I always want to do things with you. It’s just that right now work is very tough. I need to prove myself in my company. And the competition is rough. People are breathing down my neck. If I don’t deliver, I could lose my job! I hope you understand that?’

‘Stop rambling, Arjun,’ I said quietly. I had heard this before. ‘I’m fed up. I’m sick and tired of being your last priority. I’ve had it,’ I heard my voice rise for the first time.

He smiled and said, ‘I can’t stop you from thinking what you do. I can’t stop you from doing what you want but just know, the mind calculates, the soul yearns, but what the heart knows, only the heart knows.’ He tried to be philosophical to win my heart. And my heart was breaking in breaking up with him. But I knew it was the right thing to do. And my mind told me, ‘you can’t let go of something you don’t have’.

‘Kaveri, please give me one last chance. I know I’ve screwed up, but I promise I’ll do better. And if I don’t make it work, then I don’t deserve you and you can dump me. But please, one last chance …’ he begged.

I kept quiet.

He became angry and said, ‘Don’t play by your rules all the time. Don’t be an emotional fool. Don’t think with your heart all the time. Don’t over-analyse and emotionalize everything. Go with the flow. Be mature. Be a grown-up. Be wise and ease up. How many shit fits have you thrown and how many have I? Your feelings of insecurity are your own imagination. Let them go. Be secure. Be patient. Don’t make this a one-way street. You’ve got to see where I’m coming from!’

I raised my eyebrows. He thought I was immature? Well, I could prove him wrong. I would stick with him just to prove him wrong! What was I saying? What did I want?

‘I made a mistake. Everyone does. No one is perfect, Kaveri. I still love you, irrespective of what happens,’ he finished.

I responded, ‘Every time I take two steps forward in “us”, you say or do something that makes me feel insecure … and I’m still insecure about us. And can you stop ending sentences with “irrespective of what happens”.’ I wanted to clarify my point of view.

Arjun softened his stance, ‘Okay, I apologize.’

‘This whole relationship is an apology!’ I ranted, trying to sound authoritative.

‘I’m trying,’ he pleaded, taking a different approach.

‘You’re the most trying man I know,’ I said, almost in tears.

We were both quiet then. Maybe I’d hurt him. But I was hurt too. I wanted more. MORE. Marriage. Why couldn’t he just give in and say he would give me that?

‘Okay,’ he said finally, ‘If you can’t let it be, then let it go.’

I was shocked. Was he trying to break up? I didn’t want him to give up. I wanted him to agree and do as I wanted. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Why do good people fall for bad ones? Therein lies your answer.’

I wasn’t getting it. Was this another mind game that he was playing?

‘Arjun, do you want to break up?’ I asked plainly.

‘No. But apparently you do, so I’m giving you the easy way out.’

I relented immediately.

‘Arjun, I want you to improve. I don’t want us to break up,’ I spoke resignedly, suddenly scared that all my ranting might make him leave.

‘Kaveri, I don’t know what you want. Your mind keeps changing. I’m so confused. Are you giving me a chance?’

‘Yes, but this is the last chance you’ll get. And on some conditions,’ I said, wanting it to at least go somewhere in my favour.

‘Whatever you want. Just spell it out clearly for me. I’m not a mind reader.’

So I listed things that I wanted from our relationship. And later I would know that all girls list the things they need. And the needs never end. Sometimes the needs would be simple like ‘be more romantic’, or ‘spend time with me’ and then there would be more complicated ones like ‘when do we get married?’ The needs go on. And soon enough, the men realize they can’t match up to the needs and slowly start withdrawing to what they already have, a woman whose needs are already met, a woman who was their wife.

Slowly I realized that besides the great lovemaking, Arjun and I weren’t really sharing anything else. He had stopped staying at my place and our meetings became rare. And Aditi had picked up on the situation during our various phone conversations. After one particularly depressing day, I called her and told her he wasn’t around again. She told me to meet her immediately on her set where she was working a day and night shift. She wanted to hear in person what my feelings were and whether I was on the right track, according to her.

She gave me a tight hug when we met and sat me down on a comfortable, but expensive-looking, sofa in a corner of her film set. She sat on the large cushions in front of me and held my hand.

‘Now tell me what’s going on with you,’ she asked.

When I told her that Arjun had gone out drinking instead of meeting me the previous night and then came home only to have sex and leave in the morning, Aditi completely blew her top. ‘Really, babe, I don’t get you!’ She said with her hands flying all over the place. ‘If this man loves you so much, why doesn’t he take out all the time in the world for you?’ she continued. ‘Here, you made plans to meet him, and he doesn’t even care? That’s just not on!’ She was furious. I didn’t know whether at me or him.

‘I know … I know … but maybe he was stressed,’ I began timidly. ‘He does take out time for me but he has a job, not to mention the mortgage on his old family home in Goa with old parents staying there.’ I tried covering up for him. I don’t know why I did that, but I suppose I felt if Aditi was right, my relationship would be in serious trouble. A fact I couldn’t face at that moment.

‘Stop making excuses for him, Kaveri. Till when will you keep doing that? Here is a man who doesn’t make you his priority at all!’ She was unforgiving and brutal. She made sense. She had experience on her side. But I was truly smitten. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted our relationship to work and I thought I could change him to be the person I needed and make him be a better man.

‘I feel I’m the transition, the freedom that he doesn’t get, the greener grass,’ I tried to explain. I looked around to see who could hear us. There must have been 200 people on the set. Someone must have heard her ranting and my weak responses. But no one reacted. Everyone went about their busy ways.

Obviously it came out all wrong. Aditi retaliated, ‘Kaveri. Seriously! Do you just want to be the greener grass? I mean, before he came along, you had made a list of the things you wanted in a man. He doesn’t even fulfill half of them. So why do you
need
him so much?’

‘He does fulfill some parts …’ I trailed off, unable to defend him or myself any more.

‘Okay, so he is intellectually stimulating and he is good in bed. What about the fact that he abuses you mentally? Don’t shake your head. He does. He cancels on you at the last minute and expects you to be understanding about his life. But he expects you to drop your plans to be with him and will not understand if you cancel. He is manipulating you!’

‘No!’ I said vehemently, not really believing myself.

‘This is not love. This is the death of love!’ She proclaimed loudly and went off to shoot another scene.

I was left alone to think.

Can love die? Can love be like life where, with a death, there is a birth? So if I give up on one man, I’ll get another one? I didn’t think so. Arjun was my
one
‘Great Love’ I believed. If I knew it would hurt to break up, why would I want to go through it? All men had flaws. All women knew that. The one thing I needed to do was to just take the most fatal flaw and turn it around to work in my favour. But there was a nagging feeling I couldn’t get rid of. I felt something had changed within me too. I had started getting depressed. Depression is like a layer of dirt on your body that’s invisible to everyone except yourself. And it doesn’t go away no matter how hard you distract yourself. And the more you try and wash it away by doing things that supposedly make you feel better, the deeper it sets in, because all the other things are ephemeral.

Does depression go away on its own or manifest itself again when tragedy strikes? I didn’t know the answer and I was too scared to tell either Arjun or Aditi. Both would react so differently. One would freak out and probably leave me and the other would make me leave him. I didn’t want either. I was confused.