Losing Me Finding You (11 page)

It’s absolutely pounding down, a winter storm, one of those heavy downpours that starts with virtually no warning and will stop just as quickly. It’s cold and I can’t help the squeal as I jump out of my chair, my clothes already half soaked. Ben is laughing as he pulls me with him towards the back door, flinging it open and pulling us both inside. Laughing, he shuts it behind him, shaking his head so water droplets go flying everywhere, making me squeal again.

“Evie,” Ben says in a hushed whisper that sounds incredibly loud in the silence of his house.

“What?” I ask, still giggling.

“Shhh,” he says squeezing my hand.

“You shush,” I say, squeezing his back.

Suddenly I’m hauled against Ben’s hard body, all the breath knocked out of me as my chest lands hard against his.

“Evie Wakefield, did you just shush me?” Ben asks, his arm wrapping around my waist and holding me tight as his other hand brushes the wet hair back from my face.

“Maybe,” I say smiling up him. “What are you going to do about it?” I ask teasingly. Ben tilts his head, a cheeky smile now lighting up his whole face and making my heart flip. “Well?” I prompt, biting my bottom lip in an attempt to play coy.

“You’re lucky I love you, Evie Wakefield,” Ben says, his hand sliding around my neck. “Very lucky.” And then his mouth is on mine and there isn’t a single bit of space between us.

Ben kisses me as though it’s the first time he’s ever kissed me. His mouth is firm, his lips completely covering mine as he gently urges them to part. I feel the warmth of his tongue as it finds mine and before I know what’s happening, my arms have wrapped around his waist, the fingers of my left hand sliding under the waistband of his jeans, brushing against his bare skin.

The moan that comes from Ben is like nothing I’ve ever heard before and it makes me feel incredible. I push up on my toes, pressing my mouth harder against his as I try to get him to make it again. I can feel him pressing against me, can feel just how much this is turning him on. It’s turning me on too and I want Ben to be able to feel that. I want Ben to know what he’s doing to me.

Something is different between us tonight. I don’t know if it’s the forced separation when we shouldn’t have had it, the surprise of Ben coming back early, or the anger at what happened while he was gone, but there’s a charge between us tonight. It’s stronger than usual, and it surrounds us, pulling us closer and closer, like magnets.

“God, Evie,” Ben eventually says, pulling back a little as he tries to catch his breath. His forehead is resting on mine, and his warm breath hits my face, the taste of him, sweet and intoxicating, as it floods my senses.

“What?” I ask, tightening my fingers on his back.

Ben’s hand slides from my neck up into my hair and I feel him grip it firmly, tilting my head back so I’m looking directly up at him. It’s demanding and he isn’t letting me move, but it doesn’t hurt, Ben would never hurt me. It’s more like an
I don’t want to let you go
move, because I have something really important I need to say to you.

I don’t want to let him go either.

“You drive me crazy,” he says his voice husky with desire as he stares directly into my eyes. “Really fucking crazy, baby, do you know that?”

I smile, loving this reaction. “You drive me crazy too, Ben,” I tell him, trying to push up on my toes so I can kiss him again.

“Evie, fuck,” Ben murmurs, falling back against the kitchen door and taking me with him. I’m practically lying against him now and I can feel everything. Every hard line of his body, every tight squeeze of his fingers and absolutely everything this is doing to him. “We’ve got to stop,” he says, breathless. “I need to stop.”

I kiss him again as I say what I know we’re both thinking. “I don’t want to, Ben,” I tell him. “Why do we need to stop?”

Ben is completely still, frozen in place with me wrapped in his arms. He isn’t kissing me back now and I think he’s gone into shock at the words I’ve just said to him. Maybe he didn’t expect this after coming home and finding me like he did, but if anything, what’s happened has only reinforced everything I feel for him.

Just how much I love him.

And tonight, right now, whatever this is between us, it’s driving us together in a way that it never has before. In the past, when we’ve been interrupted and Ben stops, his breathing is hard and his heart is pounding as he pulls away from me. But I can always see in his eyes just how much he wants me.

And right now, staring back at him, I can still see all of that want, and so much more, looking back at me. I love Ben and I trust him with my life. And tonight, I want him to know every single part of me and I really,
really
want to know every single part of him too.

“What?” I ask, pulling back a little when Ben still hasn’t said anything.

Ben’s arms tighten as he keeps staring intently at me. “Are you sure?” he finally asks, his voice deep in the silence of the house. “Are you sure you want to do this tonight?” His fingers gently brush against my bruised cheek, as though reminding me of why it’s okay if I don’t.

But this is not a reason to stop for me. I smile up at him, my body tingling all over at the prospect of what’s about to happen. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life, Ben.”

And I haven’t. I’ve wanted Ben since the first time I met him, and the second and the third. All of my versions have wanted Ben and all of us have loved him. Still love him now.

Ben smiles down at me, his head lowering so his lips gently brush against mine, softer now as he kisses me. “I love you, Evie,” he whispers, using only my first name this time. My constant name, as though he’s read my mind.

“I love you too, Ben.”

Ben kisses me once more before pushing off the kitchen door. He takes hold of my hand again before leading me upstairs to his bedroom.

“Are your mum and dad back too?” I ask in a hushed whisper.

Ben turns back to face me. “Still at my grandparents,” he says, smiling as he pulls me up the stairs now, not bothering to hide when we no longer have to. He’s also in a hurry and it makes me smile. I like that he wants this just as much as I do.

“What about Rachel?” I whisper as he opens his door, knowing she’s been the main cause of all our previous interruptions.

“Rachel isn’t home either,” he says, pulling me into his room. “We have the whole house to ourselves, Evie,” he adds on and I can hear the anticipation in his voice. It makes me shiver with desire.

I shut the door behind me with my foot and am instantly wrapped in Ben’s arms. He’s walking us backwards to his bed and everything feels right, perfect, exactly as it should be. Ben’s legs hit the bed and he sits down, pulling me so I’m standing between his thighs, his hands are on my hips as he looks up me. The only sound in the room is the relentless pounding of rain on the roof. Even our breathing has been swallowed up.

“You are so beautiful, Evie,” Ben whispers, even though my face is bruised and the room is completely dark and I can’t imagine he can see much in the muted moonlight that’s coming through his open blinds.

I smile at him, brush his crazy hair off his forehead as I lean down to kiss him. Ben’s hands slide up under my jumper, tracing my spine as he pulls it over my head. I’m only wearing a bra underneath, but I’m not about to hide anything, Ben’s seen me like this before. I can feel his fingers unsnapping the clasp at my back so he can finally see me without it.

I want to see him too, so I lean down and grab the bottom of his rain-soaked jumper and pull it, and his t-shirt, quickly off him. Ben laughs as he says, “You in a hurry, baby?”

I’m nodding at him, smiling as I lean in and kiss him again.

“Well, I wanna take this slow, okay?” he says, gently pushing me back so he can look at me again. “I want to enjoy this first time with you.”

I bite my bottom lip as I swallow hard at the words he’s saying to me. Even in the dark, I can see how amazing he looks. He’s getting bigger, his arms and shoulders bulking up with the muscle he’s gaining from all the training he’s been doing. He runs and lifts weights nearly every day and it’s really starting to show. His shoulders and chest are hard and sculpted, tight muscle all the way down to his flat, smooth abs which form a perfect V at his waist. He’s delicious and I can’t help licking my lips as I take in the sight of him.

Ben smiles up at me, not at all shy as he watches me blatantly checking him out. Neither of us has ever really been shy with each other, but especially lately. Because being together has always felt like the most natural thing in the world to us. I feel nothing but beautiful when I’m with Ben, because he looks at me like I am the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

I watch as he leans in and presses a kiss between my breasts. His lips are soft, his breath warm, and a soft moan escapes from his throat. My fingers slide into his damp hair, tightening their grip as I pull him against me. Ben’s arms wrap around my waist now and he falls backwards onto his bed, taking me with him so I’m lying on top of him, our bare chests pressed together. My heart is pounding, and so is his. I can feel it beating against my own, mirroring all of the want and desire and lust I feel for this man.

But it’s so much more than that. It’s everything he’s ever done for me, not just tonight, but every night I’ve known him. It’s all the love he’s ever given me, but especially the love he gave me tonight when he did what he did. And it’s the times he’s waited for me, the times I hope he keeps waiting for me. Whether he knows it or not, Ben’s saved me more times than I can remember and I can’t imagine my life without him in it. I don’t want to even think about a time when he might not be here for me to find.

“Evie, fuck, you’re gorgeous, baby,” Ben whispers against my skin, his lips pressing soft kisses down my neck.

He rolls us over so he’s lying half on top of me, and I take the opportunity to undo the button and zip of his jeans. We’re reaching the point of where we’d normally get interrupted, only this time we both know it isn’t going to happen. Instead, Ben undoes my jeans too and pushes them over my hips. I arch up so he can get them off and when he’s done, he pushes his own jeans down his legs and I hear them land in a heap on the floor. Both of us are almost naked, only one more piece of clothing to go.

I open my eyes and find Ben looking down at me, a half smile on his face as he asks one more time. “You’re really sure?”

My fingers brush his hair back and I know that if I said no, Ben would stop, without hesitation, without complaint. But I don’t want to say no, so I slide my hand to the back his neck and bring his mouth back to mine. “I’m
definitely
sure, Ben.”

And then his fingers are sliding my knickers over my hips and down my legs. My hands are in his boxers too, doing the same thing, only with a lot more urgency and a lot less finesse. As we lie with our rain-dampened skin pressed against each other, Ben continues to kiss me, one arm under my neck, the other curled around my head. I’m completely enclosed in Ben’s body, his smell and his warmth surrounding me. There is nowhere else I’d rather be.

I slide my foot up his leg and drape it over his hips as I hold him tighter against me. Ben moans again and my body arches into his as though I have no control over it.

“Evie,” he whispers between kisses, his fingers tightening in my hair.

“Mmmm,” is all I can get out at the moment.

My heart is pounding and my whole body feels like it’s floating, as though it would float away if he wasn’t holding on to me. And that’s how it’s always been, Ben, holding on to me. No matter how many times I change or disappear, he’s always here, waiting for me to find him again, waiting to hold on to me once more, both of us hoping that next time, I won’t go anywhere.

He is my anchor, my rock and now, more than anything, I want him.

I want Ben like I’ve never wanted him before.

“Are you okay?” he suddenly asks me, his forehead resting on mine.

I open my eyes and for just a second, we stare at each, not smiling, not saying anything. “I’m perfect, Ben,” I whisper.

“Yeah, Evie,” he says smiling at me. “You sure are,” he adds before kissing me again.

Our kisses are much more intense now, harder and laced with desire and want and a sense of urgency. A sense of urgency brought on by our separation and by what happened tonight, but also by what we know will happen in the future. I don’t want to lose any more time with Ben.

My body starts to hum as Ben’s kisses only intensify. He’s pushing hard against me now and I can feel just how turned on he is. I already feel like I’m going to combust and I dig my fingers into his back, into his heated skin in a silent plea for him to take this further.

He gets it, and I smile as Ben lifts his head and reaches over to grab a condom from the top drawer of his bedside table. I don’t even want to think about why he has them, whether he’s ever done this before. Right now, is just about Ben and me, about my first time with Ben. And as he holds the foil packet between his teeth and rips it open, he never once takes his eyes off me.

And I can’t take mine off him either, watching his every move as he pulls the condom from the wrapper, rolls off me and puts it on. He glances up at me again and I smile at him, having absolutely no second thoughts or doubts about this. Ben smiles back as he moves beside me again, looking down at me, but not saying anything.