Losing Control (11 page)

Nick’s texts changed their tone. In fact there hadn’t been many texts, just those incessant calls and then, a few minutes ago, that ominous-sounding text. I couldn’t tell if it was a threat, but it sure sounded like it. It didn’t say much, just enough to make me cringe.

You can’t trust people Elena.

He was changing tactics.

I didn’t have the slightest clue what that was supposed to mean so I decided I would drown everything in wine for the time being while I was sitting alone in our apartment. I needed to get away. I needed to forget that this text existed, that Nick existed, and for once in my life, Penny came in at the right moment. She was never one to miss a weekend fun night,
ever
. It was like a ritual to her. But ever since Nick, ever since the whole separation bit in fact, I had been a little uneasy about fun. I wondered constantly if I was ready and kept feeling like I wasn’t. So, every week Penny would go out and I would sit there in that apartment, trying to write or watch TV or read, drinking the same wine and eating junk, trying not to think about Nick and failing.

I didn’t know what I was even afraid of. Nick had never actually hurt anyone. He never even raised a hand on me. He might have been a jerk but he was a jerk with principles. I knew he was just angry. At times I thought it might be easier just to talk to him, wasn’t that all he wanted? When all else failed, I started praying for him to meet some rebound bimbo so I could get relief. Nick wasn’t quite as persistent as he pretended to be. If he was I wouldn’t have all these complaints now, would I?

Before I could wallow more, Penny dragged me off the couch and pushed me to the bedroom, told me to change so we could hang out at the club where she was meeting her friends. For some reason, I decided to go. I didn’t really care where we were going, so long as we were getting out of the apartment and somewhere I could stop thinking so much.

The club was relatively new but the ambiance was wonderful. Penny’s friends turned out to be a nice group to hang out with, and even though I don’t know where she knows them from, and they’ve never met me before we hit it off. It was the first time in ages that I had actually had fun and not been worried I was doing something wrong. Then Penny had to leave me and though she didn’t tell me where she was going, I knew what she was up to. I knew the second she started flirting with a guy sitting on the booth next to ours. The others had to dance and I was in no mood for that, so I went to the bar to get myself another Cosmo when someone touched my shoulder.

“Can I buy you a drink?” I heard him saying and for the first time in ages I was happy to hear that voice. I put on a smile before I turned to face him.

Thorne.

Just when I’d forgotten about him, he turned up someplace, out of nowhere. Apparently, that was what he liked to do. I searched for any friends he might be with, but he seemed like he was alone.

“Hi,” I said, still smiling.

“Hey,” he said in that dreamy voice of his. “Well, can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Buy you that drink?”

I couldn’t for the life of me remember one more instance in my life where I had grinned so much. “Sure,” I said.

Thorne smiled.

“For a minute I thought you were going to refuse,” he said, looking straight into my eyes.

“For a minute I thought I was going to.”

He laughed. “Wow, you really do speak your mind.”

I was a little high from all the booze I’ve managed to get inside me that whole evening so I felt tipsy. But it was fun being that way. It made his presence a lot more exciting. Even after he got the drinks and we were headed towards the booth, after he sat down right next to me, he was still watching me.

Why does he do that?

Look at me that way?

It’s annoying.

I think.

“Everything okay at work?” he asked.

“You bought me a drink so I could discuss work with you?”

His gaze shifted towards his glass.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing—Thorne Ryker has a shy side. Un-believable.

“No,” he said. “But I don’t want to scare you off again.”

“Thorne, we work together. Somehow we end up at the same places, like right now, by sheer coincidence. You basically saved me from an embarrassing situation with my ex the other day, and offered to help in any way possible. Just now, you bought me a drink. I don’t see why we can’t be friends.”

“So, this isn’t awkward?”

“We passed awkward like twenty-six miles back.”

He laughed, or did something close to it because it seemed Thorne was back to being too quiet for actual laughter. “I’m glad you feel that way,” he said and he had that big smile on his face now. “But it’s not like I was trying to be nice to you on purpose you know. It just happened.”

When I finished the drink, Thorne ordered me another one. “If you’re going to keep doing that I should warn you,” I said. “I plan on drinking a lot tonight.”

And that was when I felt his gaze on me again. It had surrounded me; felt like it wasn’t just coming from his eyes but from deep within him, all his heart was into that look. “Hope you can hold your liquor,” he said this as if it was some kind of challenge.

I downed the drink and we got more. The smile never left Thorne’s face, and it really started to get to me to be honest, watching him that way, casual and relaxed and just being himself. He was not putting on a show like he normally does, I could see that now. I didn’t know if the show was just a force of habit or he was aware of what he does.

When I heard a song come on from a band that I loved, we even did some dancing. When I was too tired to do anything, I started looking for Penny but there was no sign of her. She wasn’t even picking up my calls. So that left me basically all alone with Thorne.

“What’s wrong?” he must have sensed my worry.

“I can’t seem to reach Penny,” I said, placing my cell phone back in my purse.

“Maybe she wants to be alone.”

“I would appreciate hearing that from her.”

“Is it like her to disappear like this?”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “Totally.”

“So then, it’s nothing to worry about?”

“I suppose.”

“Elena,” he said. “Can we talk freely?”

“About what?”

“Will you tell me what’s bothering you?”

“Apart from Penny disappearing into thin air, nothing.”

“That’s not true.”

For some reason that made me stare at him. “Thorne—”

“The whole emo-drinking routine,” Thorne interrupted me. “What’re you trying to forget?”

“Nothing,” I said. “Nothing much, I mean. A threatening, dramatic ex-fiancé, fucked up life. The usual.

“I don’t suppose I can be of any help?”

“You already are.”

“Really?”

I nodded. “I mean it Thorne,” I said. “I kind of needed that.”

“I haven’t done anything.”

“There’s no need to be modest Thorne,” I say. “That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”

The expression on his face changed. “What do you mean?”

“You weren’t here all alone just waiting for me were you?” I said. “I know you probably ditched some lucky blonde…or are you into brunettes? You probably saw me and felt pity. Well, you know what I appreciate that. I do. But I’m fine now, really. You don’t have to babysit me.”

“Insightful, I must say,” he said. “Have you considered the fact that I might be into redheads?”

“Is that sarcasm?” I asked. “Because from your face I really can’t tell.”

He looked angry now. The employer that frightened everyone was back. I didn’t mean to do anything of the sort, I was just trying to be…damn I don’t know what the hell I was trying to be. All I know is I didn’t want him to feel like I was making him stay, I didn’t want to be the one to ruin his evening, in case he was doing this from mere politeness. So did I say something I shouldn’t have? I was so drunk, I couldn’t even remember what I said. I could barely remember what I was saying now, let alone drudge up words I had spoken a few seconds ago. So I just sat there, wondering what I should or shouldn’t say next.

“Are you angry?” I asked. “I didn’t mean to be disrespectful…”

Thorne glared at me. “You don’t think that I could actually want to be with you?”

“Why? Why would you want to ruin your night like that?”

I said and at the same time spilled some of the alcohol on my clothes, and then I uselessly tried to rub the liquid off as though it was going to just go away. Thorne took the drink glass from my hand. “I think you should call it a night and head home, don’t you?” he said, getting up to stand. “I’ll give you a ride.”

“What? No. I’m having fun! I want to stay!”

Another song that I like came on, but Thorne’s gaze wouldn’t let me enjoy it. He placed a hand over mine, leaned in close and spoke in that hushed, yet strangely domineering tone of his. “Whatever it is you’re running away from,” he said. “You think it won’t hurt you here?”

I was just looking up at him, dumbstruck. The words actually managed to break through my drunken delirium and I realized the futility of all this. I felt the hurt with full force that I was trying to force deep down somewhere. And then, I felt a choking from the tears that had been buried forever, and that were threatening to come out so I got up and started walking with the fastest steps I could manage, until I was outside. Breathing in the fresh air did make things better but not by much, and I realized Thorne followed me outside but he was not saying anything. I think he was just trying to be there.

“There must be some place,” I said.

“Elena?”

“There’s got to be one place in this world, right? Where there’s no hurt? Where you don’t feel the things you feel? Where no one can really get to you? Where you’re safe?”

Thorne walked up to me, forced a lock of red hair from my eyes. The gesture was intimate, but there was nothing sexual about it. It just made me realize what a good person he truly was, and I believed it, despite what other people said about him. I knew at that moment that those stories couldn’t possibly be true. “It’s like you said Elena,” he began. “The only way to get through this is find someone who creates a place inside your heart that is much deeper and stronger than that hole.”

I looked at him. “I’m smart when I’m not drunk, aren’t I?”

That smile was back on his face again. “Yes you are,” he said. “Now, please. Let’s be smart about this and—” But I could no longer concentrate on his words. His mouth was moving and I saw those lips—I know I’d seen them before but it was the first time I was really noticing them. And I have this strange desire to kiss him…

She almost kissed me.

I
almost
kissed her back.

And then I smelled the alcohol and saw how out of it she was, and realized she might not even remember this when she woke up the next morning. Is that how I wanted our first kiss to be? Of course not! I had been dreaming about this forever and now, she was so within reach and I could touch her and yet she was as far from actually being mine as ever before. Call it irony or the cruel hand of fate, but she was actually drunker than she was a minute ago.

I felt my protective instincts kick in. “You know what,” I said, grabbing hold of her arm. “I think we’ve had enough fun for tonight. How about I drive you home?”

“Why would you do that?” she said.

“Because I don’t want you passing out here,” I replied.

She smiled. “You know what,” she said. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should go home now. Stupid Penny can kiss my ass!”

I wanted to laugh but didn’t. We made our way back to the Lexus, and I made sure she was safely in her seat before going to the driving side. “So where do you live?” I asked, but never got a reply.

“Elena?”

I tried to bring her back to consciousness but she was out like a light.

Great.

I had no idea where she lived!

I found her phone in her purse but it was locked so it was just a dead end.

If I took her back to the loft, Lane would have questions and he would have something to hold over to tease me about for all eternity.

But I was clearly out of options.