Long Blue Line: Based on a True Story (34 page)

“What the hell, Derrick? Are you stupid? We could lose everything we’ve worked for, and they’ll drug test us!” I said in a panic. I knew that it was over for me. I immediately began feeling physical symptoms of wanting the drug. For the short amount of time that I used it, this drug was still hiding inside of me. It was waiting to be reactivated. I became jittery and anxious. I could almost smell the smoke. I was taught that the best way to stay clean was to simply avoid tempting situations. I actually doubted I could even if I tried. As long as I was with Derrick, I would be introduced to the temptation of the life-sucking drug, methamphetamine. I didn’t think I would have control. It had all the control. It had me rationalizing and making excuses as to why one time would be ok. I was being blinded by desire. I was mad as hell, because I knew that I probably could not say no. After losing everything I loved to this drug, I was becoming powerless to the situation.

“Whatever. Just hurry up so we can go home,” I said. “Look if you don’t want to, I’m fine with that. I’ll go in and tell him never mind. You should see how much shit he has though! It’s gotta be over a pound!” he said excitedly. He knew that this mental vision would only secure his urge. He knew that I might give in. “I don’t care!” I yelled. “Just hurry up!” He returned to the house and came out a few minutes later. He started the truck, and I followed him home. I didn’t even use the meth yet, but I was already feeling like I had. I felt like an idiot for even considering it. Once again, my physical and mental desire for this drug was becoming strong.

The next day I felt completely horrible and stupid. I wanted to confide in someone, but I knew that if I did, it would surely ruin my chances of getting my baby back. I had to keep this under lock and key, and never do it again.
Everyone has a relapse; it’s normal -
I would repeat to myself. The damage was done, and the only thing I could do was to try to move forward and do the best that I could. After this big screw up, I realized how quickly and easily I would lose my chance of getting my baby back if I didn’t stay 100% on top of everything, including my sobriety.

I was always excited to tell my mom about any recent news that was good. I desperately wanted her forgiveness, and maybe even one day her approval. When I spoke with her over the last year, the conversations were mostly good ones, but she always had a tone of doubt and fear in her voice. I would definitely never get her approval for as long as I was with Derrick. No matter how hard I tried, or how great of progress had been made, her granddaughters were gone, and she blamed him. As with everyone else who knew about the situation, there had to be someone to blame. If no one took the blame, there would be no closure, and nothing would make sense. It was her way of making sense of it all. I however, was left hanging. I couldn’t face reality - whatever it may have been. It was too mean, ugly and cruel. It wasn’t something I could allow to exist in my world. I became quiet and irritable every time she would bring it all up. There was nothing I could say. Nothing would make it okay, and nothing would bring them back to our family. The damage was done. I so badly just wanted my life to have a sense of normalcy. I wanted to be happy like other families. I wanted to have a man to show off to my family. I wanted a guy who loved and adored me and doted on my every move. After all, my twin sister had recently become engaged while stationed in Germany. I only spoke with her maybe once a month because the calls were so expensive, but she loved and accepted me and never brought anything up that she knew I didn’t want to think about. She just wanted to talk to me and joke around like we always had, remembering funny things we did as kids, or stupid things in high school. She is my twin and she always made sure that nothing ever changed that. After my mother asked me if I wanted steak or salmon as the main course for my sister’s upcoming wedding, I immediately knew that Derrick would not be invited. Derrick would never be that guy that I wanted him to be. Whether or not he had a say in it, it would never happen.

“Salmon,” I replied in a dry tone. I was on the verge of tears, forcing myself to hide the fact that no matter how badly it upset me, he would never be invited to any family affairs. Getting upset would only reinforce to myself that a huge part of me hated myself for being with him. And the other small and barely-there part loved Derrick and had an emotional need to always stay by his side. He stuck by mine. He frequently reminded me of this. He came back to me under investigation and risking his image as the innocent one. The least I could do was just stay with him. He ignored the warnings of his friends and family to be with me, so I would do the same. It was only fair.

My twin sister wanted me to be her maid of honor. I almost thought, for a split second, about just not going to the wedding at all. But then I remembered that Merri never said anything bad to me about Derrick or Donnie. She didn’t do anything wrong. She never hurt me. The family drama wasn’t her fault. She was simply getting married, and of course, expected me to be there. I spoke with Derrick and his mother about my mixed feelings of going to the wedding without him. They both understood and urged me to go and support my twin sister. With their approval, I felt better about going and finally gave my mother the green light. The wedding was on a weekend in August. I was excited to see my sister. I hadn’t seen her in a year and a half. She was so far away from me this entire time. I went to bed early on a Wednesday night. Merri and her friend from the Air Force were going to pick me up the next morning. I was scared and nervous, but so excited to hug my twin.

The last time my entire family had gotten together was at my own wedding when I was only sixteen. With a brand new baby whom I cherished beyond words, working hard to finish school, and doing what I thought was the right thing to do, I had a beautiful and promising life ahead of me. With a beautiful little baby girl of only two months who looked just like me, Josh and I were washed from our mistakes and teenage sins as our ceremony closed with a family baptism. The guests at my wedding may have not have fully understood; they were witnessing one of the most symbolic, innocent and treasured moments of my life, memory and being. If there were ever to be such a heavenly and perfect transition into womanhood from childhood, this is what it would be. As the drops of pure and holy water ran down the soft, fuzzy head of my little girl, she offered the church and the guests her first real smile. God and his angels were standing with us on that bright, beautiful day, and it was even known to an infant.

That was just a memory. I no longer had my baby and my adoring husband in this life. Those I lost were never going to come back. The three of us, which quickly became four, were one unit. We struggled in the end, but we always loved each other, and we were supposed to always have each other. The young woman, wife and mother that I had become, which had formed my identity who I loved and accepted, began to slowly and deceptively die that summer night, when I chose to run to Derrick.

I’d fallen from a celestial, euphoric existence into a deep-rooted, deceptively suicidal burning pit. I didn’t have my new little family to come to the wedding with me. I was suffering, sad, ashamed and confused. I was horrified to be in the same room as just one family member from the day of my first wedding. I would soon be sitting in the same room alongside all of them - all of them and more. I’d have to be strong and remember that Merri’s wedding was a happy day for her to remember. I didn’t know how on earth I was going to hold myself together. As I drifted off to sleep just a few hours before dawn, the only thing I knew to do was pray.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

What felt like only five minutes later, my alarm clock was screaming at me to get up and get in gear. Merri would be at my house in an hour, and I had to get dressed and pack my bag. We were going to be driving for about five hours to the Pacific Coast where the wedding would be. My stepdad rented the clubhouse at an upscale golf course and it was sounding like it was going to be a fancy affair. When I was all dressed and ready to go, I said goodbye to Derrick while he was halfway asleep in bed and grabbed my bag as I walked out the front door. I didn’t think it was necessary for Merri and her friend to actually come inside of my house. I wanted to avoid any conflict at all costs. Right as I nervously lit my cigarette, a small black car pulled into my driveway. The second I saw my twin step out of the passenger side door, I instantly forgot about the drama and excitedly ran to hug her. I forgot how short she was. It had been so long, but it was as if we had never been apart which I knew would be the case. We did share the same uterus together. I couldn’t ever expect anything less!

My twin sister’s friend, Valerie, was really nice and friendly right away. That was a relief - so far so good. Merri handed me a small gift bag with shiny tissue paper sticking out from the top. “What’s this for?” I asked slightly confused. “Oh, it’s a gift! The bride is supposed to give all of the bridesmaids a gift,” she announced. I could instantly tell that my mom and Merri had gone completely all-out for this wedding. They must have done a number on my step-dad’s wallet! I smiled to myself.             

After opening my gift, which was a notepad with the sweetest letter a twin could ever write, I safely put my gift away inside the house before closing the door behind me. Before we officially got on the road, we had one quick last-minute detail to tend to. None of the bridesmaids had their shoes yet. As we were heading towards the “Y” shopping outlets to find matching shoes, Merri pulled her cell phone out of her purse and started talking to someone. It sounded like she was getting annoyed with whomever she was talking to. When she hung up the phone I put the pieces together and realized that she had been on the phone with Lilah. I guessed that Lilah didn’t want to be around me. I hadn’t heard from her since the last time I saw her in Court when she took the stand to testify all that she knew about the case and me as a mother. “Merri, I can just wait in the car if it makes it easier. It’s totally fine with me, I understand,” I offered, secretly hoping that I could get out of an awkward situation. “Liz, She’s being really immature right now and I’m not going to let her make you feel unwelcome. Plus, she’s with Jessica right now anyway, so it’s probably just making it worse.” Jessica was one of the girls that we had grown up with. We met her when we were only eight years old, and she almost became like a sister to us. Lilah always favored Jessica, and I started to believe that Jessica was the little sister Lilah always wanted to have but couldn’t because Jessica my friend. Their relationship never bothered me, up until this very day. I had accepted the fact that Lilah would probably never talk to me again. I was dealing with it, and I wasn’t going to let it get to me. However, when I found out that she was openly talking about not wanting to be around her disgusting little sister (me) in front of Jessica, I broke down. I felt like I was being ganged up on, and in that moment, I truly felt like scum. As a teenager I always looked up to Lilah and tried to impress her in any way that I could think of. She was the type of person who held herself above most everyone else and any person was lucky to be her friend.

Lilah and Jessica met us in the shoe store after Merri told our mom how rotten she was being. I assumed that my mom called Lilah and chewed her out. Just as I expected, she walked into the store with her fake smile and gave me the fakest hug I’ve ever felt. I would have rather she just ignored me. It was insulting that she thought I was so stupid that I couldn’t see what was behind her two-faced behavior. I walked around the store pretending to be occupied with dresses and jewelry to avoid being stuck in a tiny aisle as they shuffled through boxes of shoes trying to find five matching pairs. When we were finally on the road for good, I couldn’t help but wonder if the rest of my family felt the same way about me. Was I that bad to be around? Was I really the scum of the earth that I felt like?

When we arrived at our destination, I instantly recognized the hotel. We were staying in the same hotel that our grandparents took us to when we were little kids. It had an outdoor patio with a beautiful fishpond and giant Koi fish. I immediately had a flashback in time, about sixteen years ago, where I was standing in the same exact place feeding these fish. My grandparents were sitting at the table to my left, and I ran to them and gave them both long hugs. It was all so familiar, and my grandparents made it feel that much better. For a short while, I forgot about everything that was worrying me and making me anxious. I was just happy to be in this temporary time warp. My grandparents still saw me as the little girl that I was desperately searching for, and because they still saw her, I knew that she was still in me - somewhere…hiding…but still there. I hadn’t realized how much I truly missed my grandma and grandpa.

After getting settled in our hotel room, I met my sister’s soon-to-be husband for the first time. The groomsmen were all in another hotel room living it up with jack and coke. I was watching everyone as they poured themselves drinks to celebrate. I wasn’t supposed to be drinking at all, but I asked for my own anyway. With my mother’s close (and almost glued to me) eye, and my twin sister with me, I knew that nothing could get out of control. I was too anxious to not have a drink. We had a fun night and I was excited for tomorrow to come. We were going to be having the rehearsal dinner. Merri bought me a cute polka-dot dress and I wanted to wear it. It had been a long time since I had a reason to dress up.

The night of the rehearsal dinner, we all piled into a few vehicles and designated some sober adult drivers for the wild groomsmen. The restaurant was amazing. It was like walking down to an underground jungle. We even had to take an elevator to get to the very bottom. It was like nothing I had seen before. So far, besides Lilah, everything was going just fine. That was until I saw my dad and stepmom sitting at a table talking with some of the groom’s relatives. They didn’t see me notice them. I quickly turned away and stepped outside. I was panicking at first and then broke down crying again. This time I couldn’t figure out why. Seeing my dad sparked probably every emotion I had ever felt, all in one moment. I was overwhelmed. I puffed on a cigarette and tried to tell my mom what was wrong. I was sad, mad, confused and let down. I didn’t know if I was feeling let down by him or let down from myself. The last time I saw him was when he confronted me after seeing Derrick and I walk out of my apartment that April morning. After that incident, he tried to visit me in jail to tell me that my grandfather had passed away, but I refused his visit. I thought he was coming to lecture me or make me feel even worse. When I found out what the real reason was after speaking to my mom on the payphone the next day, I felt like a total jerk. I was sniffling for the rest of the night. If I saw him smile, it would cause me to miss him and despise him all at the same time. After the rehearsal, everyone packed into the vehicles and retired for the night. Tomorrow was going to be a big day and there was not going to be room for anyone to be hung over. Merri’s friend and I drank until the alcohol was gone. She listened to my problems, and she made it clear that she had my back and didn’t like Lilah because of the way she treated me. I thought it was so nice that she immediately gave me support after just meeting me and possibly hearing who-knows-what from who-knows-who at the rehearsal. This girl was awesome.