Lone Star Holiday (15 page)

“God, give me courage to deal with what’s in my heart. Lord, You know my soul and the fear I harbor. Release me from that burden so I can serve You more completely.”

He put his hands on the doorknob and eased it open. Stepping into the hall, he checked on the girls. The night had turned cool, and he fixed two cups of hot chocolate before heading to the deck. He paused at the door and let his eyes drift over her. The soft light of the moon washed her in warmth as she leaned against the railing, face turned up to the stars.

“Hello.”

She jumped.

“Sorry.” He stepped through the door and handed her a cup with steam still swirling upward.

She grasped it with both hands and took a deep breath, pulling the warmth into her. “You read my mind.” Sitting in the other rocking chair, she looked at him over the cup and smiled. “Thank you.”

Smiling back, he took a sip before saying anything. “You were deep in thought when I got here. Girls give you any problems? Rachel still mad at me?”

She laughed, the kind that reminded him of softly playing Christmas bells. “I told her to get used to it. A father that loves his daughter should take every opportunity to torture the boys around her.”

“Yeah, I thought about installing a rifle over the front door. Dub has an old twenty-two. I remember the first time I met him, he was cleaning it.” Laughing, he leaned back in the rocker and took another sip. “Carol got so mad at him. Later I learned he never kept bullets in it.”

Her laughter became louder before she covered her mouth and twisted to see if she had wakened the girls. “Sorry, that’s just too funny. They’ll appreciate your efforts one day, I promise.”

He tried picturing his girls old enough to date and couldn’t do it. He looked back at Lorrie Ann. She had one leg tucked under her as she rocked with the other one. She stared at the black-outlined hills while taking sips of the hot cocoa. Below the deck a deer snorted.

“So, if it wasn’t the girls, what had you lost in thought?” The only sound she made in response was a deep sigh. Amazing how much a single sigh said while at the same time saying nothing at all. “Anyone giving you problems with the play?”

She shook her head. He knew sharing didn’t come easy to her, so he waited.

Setting her cup on the deck, she pulled her knees to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs, making herself into a tight ball. He wanted to haul her up against him and promise her he’d fix it, but his own fears kept him out of arm’s reach.

She finally turned to him, her cheek resting on her knee. “I got a call this morning from Melissa. The band has decided to hire a new manager.”

“Oh, Lorrie Ann, I’m sorry.”

She gave him a heartbreaking grin, the kind he now recognized Rachel used when she didn’t want him to worry.

“Surprisingly, I think I’m okay with it. The whole messy drama with Brent had me concerned anyway.”

Hope flared in John’s chest. If she stayed here longer, he could take more time to figure out what they had. They could also settle the issue with her mother. She needed the truth, but Maggie had told him to hang on a little longer.

She faced out again, chin on her denim-clad knee. “With the rumors of the breakup, I’d already received a few inquiries.” She smiled back at him. “In this business, you never know when you have to move on, so having options keeps you relevant. I’m thinking of taking an offer in Nashville.”

With those words his hope died.
God, why can’t something in life come easy?
Well, that was not true. His relationship with Carol had been easy, up until the point he had taken her for granted.

“As soon as the play is over I need to get back to my life. I thought it had to be in L.A., but I realized there are other options, like Nashville. Either way, I’m getting too comfortable here.”

“What’s wrong with here?”

“This isn’t real life.”

“It’s real to me.” He tried to keep the bitterness out of his tone.

“I’m not a part of this life. I’m just a guest.”

John didn’t know the details of her past, but talking with Sonia he could surmise it had been one atrocious event after another. He thought about that little girl, scared and alone, and he wanted to give her a home of her own, a place where love and safety lived in abundance. The question: Would she give up her music career to move here, permanently?

“You could be a part. Live here.” He leaned forward.

She shook her head.

He had to convince her that the dream of a family was waiting to become a reality. He might not be telling her the truth about her mother, but he could tell her what was in his heart. “I’d like the opportunity to know you better.”

She turned to him, eyes wide. Profound silence filled the space between them.

“No, you don’t. I’m...” She gave a loathe-filled snort. “Stupid. I thought Brent would stop the late-night parties and take our relationship to the next level. We’d been drifting apart, not really connected. I thought if we got married... Well, classic female naïveté. I should have known better.” She bit her lip and turned away.

John let the silence hang between them. His fist clenched, wanting to hold her.

“Man, was my timing off. He flew into a rage, one of the worst I’ve ever seen. He’d been mad at me before, but only when I nagged about his partying.” She buried her face in her hands. A sob escaped. “In my head that sounded normal. I sound like a battered-women cliché.”

“Lorrie Ann, your life is not a cliché.” John couldn’t hold back any longer. He moved his chair toward her until their knees touched. His fingers wrapped around her smaller hands.

* * *

Lorrie Ann studied the calloused hands in contrast with the tender touch John gave so naturally, making her want to curl up in his lap and hide from the world. He had to know the ugly truth about her. “His drug use had gotten worse. He was missing rehearsals and studio times, messing up onstage. I thought if we got married, started a family, he’d straighten out. He screamed at me that I wanted to ruin his life. I don’t remember much of anything after he started hitting me and threw me into the kitchen counter. I pulled up tight into a ball and waited for him to stop. He kicked me a few times then left.”

Somewhere during the retelling, John had moved next to her. His arms created a warm cocoon as he pulled her against him.

She rubbed the tears off her cheeks with the backs of her hands and pulled away, ashamed to look John in the face. From the corner of her sight, she saw him comb his fingers through his hair and take in a deep breath.

Reluctantly, she turned to him, shocked to see a tear run down his cheek. She cupped his face with her hands. “Oh, John, don’t cry for me. I put myself there. When he left, I lay on the floor, and you know what I did?”

His lips pulled tight in an angry line. With a slight movement of his head, he encouraged her to go on with her story.

She swallowed the lump in her throat, and her voice dropped low. “I prayed. In twelve, thirteen years, I hadn’t talked to God once, but huddled on the ground, I asked for His help.” She turned her face to the sky, unable to look at him as he heard the truth. “I realized I had become my mother. I had somehow become just like her. I checked for broken bones. I cleaned up and filled my car with clothes. I asked God to take me somewhere safe. There wasn’t a single person in L.A. that I trusted.” He took her hand and pulled her back into his warmth, giving her the courage to continue. Her face pressed against his neck, and she could feel his blood coursing through his veins.

“I was almost thirty years old, nowhere to go, hiding in a public restroom.” A self-deprecating laugh escaped her lips. “You could say I’d hit rock bottom. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own. Bible in hand, all I could think about was this purple-and-black afghan that Aunt Maggie made me for my thirteenth birthday. I wanted to pull it over my head and hide from the world.” She rolled her eyes and snorted. “I thought I was too cool to take it to L.A. Stupid, huh?” She wiped her face with the back of her arm.

“No, I think God uses people and items to lead us. You’d need a reason to come home.”

“Well, there you go. I’m sure you can find at least ten reasons the local pastor shouldn’t date me.” She stood up and moved to the railing. “So half the wild stories about me are lies, but it doesn’t change the facts of my life the past twelve years.” She took a deep breath, clenched her hands in the soft fabric of her skirt and slid a sideways glance at his beautiful face. She feared seeing loathing, or worse, pity. “I’m not the woman you need, John.”

“Let God and me decide what I need in my life, Lorrie Ann. Especially what I want.”

She leaned over the railing, listening to the water move over the rocks and around the roots of the century-old cypress. “The people of this church will never accept me, and if we date, everyone would think we’re moving toward marriage.”

“For me, marriage would be the goal.”

“I can’t be a preacher’s wife.” Her voice went a pitch higher. “People would stop coming to your church. They...would think you had lost your mind.”

He snorted. Actually snorted at her.

“Maybe I have. Or at least my heart.”

Her own heart twisted at his words. “Don’t laugh at me. I’m serious.”

“God knows you. You can’t allow others to tell you who you are as a person.”

“I know who I am, and more important, what I’m not. I’ve no clue how to be a mother. My own mother gave the world’s worst example.”

Guilt twisted his stomach. Maybe he should tell her now. He closed his eyes. It wasn’t his secret to tell. He gazed at her, studying the outline of her profile in the moonlight. “My girls lost their mother, and I’m not looking for a replacement. She can’t be replaced, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need mothering. Just as Maggie stepped in when your mother couldn’t take care of you.” He moved next to her, gently forcing her to look at him. “I want them to be around women of character and courage. You, Lorrie Ann Ortega, are a woman of character and courage. In spite of how your mom raised you—” he put a single bent finger under her chin “—or maybe because of her choices.” He moved in close. His face hovered within inches of hers.

Lorrie Ann could feel his warm breath on her skin. Her gaze locked with his.

“My girls already adore you. You’ve brought silliness and tenderness to their lives. I tried so hard to be the perfect parent that I didn’t see Rachel trying to be the perfect mom to Celeste.”

She bit her lips and pressed her fist against her mouth. Swallowing hard, Lorrie Ann refused to let the cry escape. Despite her best efforts, she heard a pathetic sound slip past.

The worst part? She was sure John heard it, too. Her knuckles became wet with silent tears. She wanted to scream, but she knew that wouldn’t ease the pain. In a last-ditch effort to stop a full-on sob, she squeezed her eyes shut.
God, please just make the pain stop.
“This is why I never, ever talked about the past. It can’t be changed, so why relive the stupid heartache?”

John pulled her back into his arms. She couldn’t stop the unleashing of emotion. The weak whimpering sounds became painful sobs, stuck in her throat, causing her to take large gulps of air.

“I hate this.”
Breathe.
“I hate being weak. And I’m getting you all wet. Sorry.”

“Hey, that’s why I’m here.”

She wiped at his shirt. “Being a pastor, you probably have to deal with people’s emotions all the time.”

“Is that how you see me? As your pastor?”

She laughed at the frustration in his voice. “You’re so much more than just a pastor. I never dreamed I’d have a pastor as a friend. God knows what we need before we do, right? God knew no ordinary Christian could help me. My life needed a full-time professional.”

His jaw flexed. “Lorrie Ann, I want to be more.”

She shook her head. “I can’t, sorry.” Pulling herself away from his warmth, she forced herself to walk slowly through the cabin and out his door. This night he didn’t follow her.

Chapter Sixteen

L
orrie Ann watched John lift a faux roof panel on one of the storefronts as Jake drilled the pieces together.

After she left his cabin three days ago, he stayed on her mind. The idea of being loved by a man like him seemed unreal. Then she imagined how his church would react and that was very real.

“Hello, anyone home?” Katy waved her hand.

“Sorry, I got distracted.” She put her autosmile in place.

“Yeah, right.” Katy laughed. “Pastor John seems more...I don’t know, relaxed? Would you know anything about that?”

“I think music...” Before she finished, Katy swiped at Lorrie Ann’s arm.

“I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” She sighed. “He’s such a good man, and being a small-town preacher has got to be tough.” Katy looked over to the men assembling the stage. “It has to be a bit lonely. He can’t really talk to anyone.”

“He needs someone the community can trust, too.” Lorrie Ann bit the corner of her lip. By leaving, she would be doing the right thing.

“They don’t know you. Anyway—” Katy shrugged her shoulders “—God is the One we need to trust.”

Lorrie Ann rubbed the palms of her hands into her eye sockets. All this thinking formed a major headache. She needed to change the subject.

“What I need is a clean run-through. Why didn’t someone stop me when I told Celeste she and a small herd of six-year-olds could open the play?” Ugh, another headache.

“I think we did.” Katy laughed. “I’d be more worried about the foul odor your mood-setting donkey might bring to the manger.” She wrinkled her nose.

“Oh, don’t remind me.” Lorrie Ann groaned then, taking a minute to look around at the unfinished youth building. “At least the building committee outdid themselves. If nothing else we’ll have a great setting.”

Three teenage girls giggled as they wrapped the metal poles in white icicle lights. In Lorrie Ann’s mind, the jury was still out on tacky versus beautiful. It had been Katy’s initiative, so she was willing to explore the idea. She glanced down at her clipboard. “Have you seen Vickie, or a hint of a costume?”

“No, but as much as she can be pigheaded about you, she would never do anything to hurt the play or the kids. You just gotta have some trust.”

Lorrie Ann stopped herself from rolling her eyes. If she heard that word one more time, she might throw something.

Her gaze found John again. He had moved to stage left to erect the manger.

She smiled. She did trust him and her aunt Maggie. Maybe there was hope for her. She sighed and loosened her grip on her to-do list. She needed to trust God in all things.

“You’re staring again.” Katy bumped her and laughed. “You’re worse than a high-school girl with her first crush.” She took a sharp intake of breath before breaking into a giggle. “Don’t look now, but guess who’s headin’ our way?”

Lorrie Ann felt her skin getting warm. She needed to get away from him. Fear of giving up her dream for him caused her throat to close up.

“Hey, ladies, I can’t believe how well it’s coming together.” The devastating smile that wiped out all good intentions flashed her way. Did he even know what kind of weapon he carried?

Katy laughed. “Lorrie Ann’s list of problems is still longer than her ‘done’ list.”

Lorrie Ann glared at Katy and reevaluated the best-friend status she had given her.

“Just a little trust, Lorrie Ann.” He winked at her.

How dare he wink when everything was falling apart, including her life as she knew it.

“We’re so far ahead compared to years past, and this is the most ambitious show we’ve ever attempted. The setting is incredible, Lorrie Ann. You and Jake have outdone yourselves.”

Katy looked around. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

John bent his neck to watch the girls above them hanging the lights. “At night, all the white lights will be spectacular. Great idea, Lorrie Ann.”

“Katy’s idea, not mine.”

Katy wrinkled her nose. “Are you sure it’s not too home-fried?”

Lorrie Ann hugged her. “Nope, John’s right. They’re perfect.”

Katy raised her eyebrows and mouthed John’s name while batting her eyes.

Lorrie Ann cleared her throat, which to her horror brought his attention back to her.

“Are you all right, Lorrie Ann?” He stepped closer to her.

“Um...Pastor John, do you think we can have a full dress rehearsal next Saturday?”

He narrowed his eyes at her and tilted his head. “That’s the plan, Miss Ortega.”

Katy touched Lorrie Ann’s arm. “I have to go. Rhody is taking me to a movie in Kerrville,
without
the boys. He says he has a surprise.” She made a face. “Hope it’s good.”

John smiled. “I’m sure it is. Enjoy your evening.” He glanced over to the stage, where Jake, Adrian and Rhody stood putting the last pieces together. “I’ll make sure he gets home.”

“Thanks, Pastor John.” She waved.

“Lorrie Ann, about the other night. I—”

She held her hands up to stop his words, took a deep breath and forced her eyes to look at him.

“Right now I need to stay focused on the play. But your words have planted themselves in my brain. I just don’t know what to do about them.”

He stepped closer. His fresh, masculine scent filled her senses. She closed her eyes.

“Maybe you should put them in your heart instead of your brain.”

Her eyes popped open, and she moved back. “Maybe you should tell Rhody it’s time to go home. Katy’s been talking about their date nonstop.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He leaned in, not allowing her to escape. The smell of his apple candy excited her senses as his lips fluttered close to her ear. “This isn’t over.” Then he turned, leaving her.

She watched him walk away. When she left town, a part of her heart would be staying here forever.

Lorrie Ann looked at her notes but didn’t see them. Maybe she could stay here and see what happened.

“Lorrie Ann!” Aunt Maggie’s voice broke into her musings.

“Aunt Maggie, hey, did you get a chance to talk to Vickie?”

“Yes, yes, yes, but that’s not why I’m here.” A huge smile covered her aunt’s face. “I have a big surprise for you.”

Lorrie Ann sighed. She hoped the great revelation would be a new donkey.

“Close your eyes.” Her aunt disappeared behind a line of SUVs. “Are your eyes closed?”

Lorrie Ann rested her face in the palms of her hands. “Yes.”

“Surprise!”

Bringing her face up, Lorrie Ann blinked in confusion. “Mother?”

The slim woman standing in front of her should look to be in her mid-forties; instead, she looked older than Maggie, who was fifty-two.

Lorrie Ann had to be in shock, because she felt nothing. More than fifteen years had passed since she’d seen her mother, and now, out of nowhere, she appeared. No anger, no happiness, nothing.

Lorrie Ann gave a small laugh. Last week, she had decided to forgive her mother for all the bad decisions, for putting men and drugs ahead of her daughter. What did God do? Plant the woman right in front of her.

Sonia crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed her hands up and down her bone-thin biceps, as if to ward off the cold that no one else felt. Lorrie Ann could see purple and pink streaks of color on the underside of her dark ponytail.

She darted her gaze to Maggie then back to Lorrie Ann. “Hello. I’m sure you don’t want to see me. I... Um...my, you’re beautiful.”

A million thoughts ran through Lorrie Ann’s mind; questions ricocheted across her skull. “Where have you been?” She noticed her mom looked clear-eyed. It was like trying to start a conversation with a stranger.

“I live in San Antonio. I’ve been sober for two years now.” She gave Lorrie Ann a lopsided smile.

In shock, Lorrie Ann stared at the two women. “You’ve been in San Antonio this whole time? Sober?”

She nodded. “When I made the decision to get sober, I called Maggie, and with Pastor Levi’s help, they found a rehab center in the Hill Country. I spent six months there, then eight months in a sober house. Now I have my own apartment and a job.” She bit her bottom lip.

“I don’t understand. Why didn’t you call me?” She turned to Maggie. “You knew? The whole time you knew!” Shock flashed into hurt, but Lorrie Ann preferred anger. She glared at the women who had raised her.

“Hey, ladies.” John’s voice interrupted the scene.

It gave Lorrie Ann time to collect the pieces of her thoughts and put them back together in some sort of order.

She watched as he swallowed Sonia in a bear hug. “How have you been?” He then moved to Maggie and kissed her on the cheek. “So, you finally convinced her to come up and see Lorrie Ann?”

Lorrie Ann looked at him. She had let her guard down and trusted him. She should have known better. He had known all along. This was what happened when you trusted people. They betrayed you.

He looked uncomfortable.
Good.

Maggie broke the silence that had started to linger. “I thought we’d surprise Lorrie Ann.”

John’s eyebrows shot up as he jerked around to Lorrie Ann. He opened his mouth, sure to say something wise. Lorrie Ann didn’t want to hear it.

“Can we go to the farm and talk? If that’s okay.” Sonia’s voice was hesitant.

Lorrie Ann wanted to get away, to get a chance to clear her thoughts. “Sure.”

They moved to the car, away from the only two people she had trusted the most. Sonia continued talking. “I just need to say I’m sorry. There’s no way to make up for the mess I made of your childhood, but...”

Lorrie Ann stopped at her door and looked over the car to the woman who had abandoned her to Aunt Maggie’s care.

“Listen, I’ve lived in L.A. for ten years. I’ve seen what drugs and alcohol do to a person. That you’ve been sober two years is great.” Taking a deep breath, she forced a smile, for now one of her practiced smiles. They both slid into the BMW.

“You know God’s timing is...well...so God.” Lorrie Ann backed the car out and paused. “A few weeks ago, I probably would have screamed at you or just stomped away in anger.” She shifted gears and made eye contact with her mother.

Tears hovered on the bottom of Sonia’s lashes, and in a raspy voice she whispered, “I deserve it.”

John and Maggie still stood in the same spot she had left them. They stopped talking and watched her drive past, but Lorrie Ann kept her eyes facing forward. Silence filled the car.

* * *

For three hours she sat on the back patio talking with her mother. As a teenager, she’d dreamed about this. She might even accept God had put her here at the right place and the right time. Why fifteen years later?

“Mother, I have one question.” She swallowed, trying to get past the dryness. “Why did you leave me?”

Sonia stood. Wrapping her delicate arms around her middle, she looked out over the hills. “You were getting older, and I feared that I would be too...messed up to protect you. Your aunt and uncle had asked to take custody of you from the time you were a baby. I knew they would give you a safe place to live, a loving home, school.”

“Why didn’t you say goodbye?”

“Oh, sweetheart, I had tried to leave you with Maggie and Billy before, but you would cry and beg to go with me. I always gave in, so I knew I would have to sneak out and not come back. I’m so sorry. You’ve treated me better than I deserve.”

Lorrie Ann shrugged. “You’re my mom.” She had her answer to the question that had hounded her for fifteen years, and it didn’t change anything inside her.

“Lorrie Ann, I know the hurt I caused you will not go away overnight. Thank you for giving me another chance to know you.”

They both turned at the sound of boots on the gravel path. John stepped into the light. He cleared his throat and fisted his hands in his front pockets. “Ladies.”

Sonia gave him a quick hug and said good-night before slipping through the screen door.

Silence hung in the air. John moved to stand next to Lorrie Ann and reached for her hand. “Lorrie Ann...”

She snatched her arm away. “You knew. This whole time, you knew about my mother being sober and in San Antonio, but you didn’t think I needed to know?”

“Lorrie Ann, it wasn’t up to me. Your mom was scared of giving in to the addiction again and didn’t want you to know until she felt it was safe.”

She crossed her arms over her waist. “I trusted you, and Aunt Maggie...Yolanda...you all knew!”

“Lorrie Ann.” He reached for her.

“Don’t. Stop saying my name. I trusted you and you lied to me.”

“It wasn’t our—”

“I don’t want to hear excuses.” She sat down hard and stared at the landscape but didn’t actually see the beauty around her. In L.A., people lied, but you expected it. You worked with the knowledge everyone had his or her own agenda. “I’ve decided to take the new job in Nashville. They need me there in two weeks.”

“You’re just looking for an excuse to push me away. Don’t do this, Lorrie Ann.”

“Why?” She turned to glare at him. She had gotten too close and had made the mistake of falling in love. “There is nothing for me here.”

She moved away from him and opened the door. Turning back, she forced herself to meet him eye to eye and waited for him to say something, anything that would convince her to stay.

After what seemed like hours of silence, she turned her back to him.

Before she started crying or did something else just as stupid, like rush into his arms, she snapped her body around and marched to the kitchen door. She didn’t stop until she collapsed on her bed and sobbed herself to sleep.