Lobsters (28 page)

‘That's amazing,' I said. ‘Well done.'

I wrapped my arm around her and she put her head on my chest. For the first time I could remember, I had absolutely no idea what life had in store for me. It felt brilliant.

Hannah

I opened the door to my bedroom tentatively, but Stella was awake. I went and sat at the end of the bed. She had slept on and off for forty-eight hours.

‘I brought you some hot chocolate.'

She sat up and took the mug out of my hand. She was wearing my hedgehog pyjamas, even though they swamped her. With no make-up and her curly hair unstraightened and plaited she looked like the version of her I had made best friends with in Year 7.

‘Your grandparents are on their way.'

She nodded. ‘Cool.' It was flat and emotionless.

I knew what she wanted to hear – that her parents were coming – and not being able to say it made it hard for me to look at her. I stared at the pattern on the duvet cover.

I handed her a yellow envelope with scrawly boy's writing on.

‘This arrived this morning.'

She opened it. It was a cheery, colourful Get Well Soon card. She read it silently and handed it back to me.

Hey Stella
,

I hope you're feeling better. I've been really worried about you. Eat lots of spinach so you get well soon and can come to York and make some epic memories with me
.

Lots of love
,

Pax

Underneath he'd drawn a little stick man holding a can of spinach. I put the card down on the bed and looked at her. She smiled, and some of the weight and the sadness seemed to lift from her face. All I could feel were good things about Pax, because he was responsible for easing something inside her, even for a moment, that I didn't fully understand. She was scraping her nail polish off with her fingers. Little shards of it fell over the duvet cover.

‘I think he did like you … in Kavos,' she said, quietly.

‘Stella, Pax wants you. He has always wanted you. Remember on the boat how it was
you
he sat talking to for ages? How it was
you
that he pulled on the first night?'

Stella took this in. ‘But I'll never understand why you didn't just say to me in the Westfield café, “Stella, this is Toilet Boy. He is my lobster. The end.”'

‘Because I thought he wanted
you
. Because you had already pulled him. And I felt like an idiot for making out we had this Romeo and Juliet connection in the bathroom, when he had got off with you five minutes later.'

‘So what? You knew I was only doing it to make Charlie jealous. And I didn't give Sam much choice in the matter.'

‘Yeah, but that wasn't what it was about. It didn't matter whether or not you wanted him. It was the fact he didn't want me.'

‘Yeah, but he did.'

‘All right, Little Miss I-Know-Everything. It's all good to say that
now
. It sounds simple
now
.' We were both smiling.

‘So, that stuff with Pax …' She was trying to sound casual. ‘What you said at the party about him not wanting me …'

It was the moment. I would only get
that
moment but I didn't even hesitate.

‘I just said it. I don't know why. Of course Pax didn't say that. You know what a nice bloke he is. He's totally into you.'

Whether he was or not didn't feel like the important thing. Her feeling loved and getting better right now was what mattered.

She nodded. ‘I forgive you. All for one and one for all.'

I had forgiven her too. For less tangible and labelled things. For the things I couldn't describe out loud or put my finger on but I knew were there.

I put my legs under the duvet and wriggled down, and we were head-to-tail in my bed for probably the thousandth time. Stella turned on to her side, into the position she always fell asleep in. She yawned.

‘You're blatantly going to do the deed with Sam soon, aren't you? Which means I am going to be the only virgin left.'

Her confession hung in the air. On some level I think I had always suspected that she was lying about Charlie. Maybe on some level she had known she deserved better. I really hoped that Pax was going to be just that. This was her clearing the decks.

‘No, you won't be,' I said. ‘Tilly's still in limbo.'

18

Hannah

You can only lose your virginity once. It's the only big life event that comes between being born and getting married.

I didn't feel shy or embarrassed with him. I was ready. I wanted to do it. My body just didn't seem to want me to. My family had gone up to my aunt's in Whitby so we had the house to ourselves. He asked me so many times if I was sure. If I was
sure
I was sure. And that's the thing – I was.

But when he put the condom on and started to push it inside me it just wouldn't happen. It wasn't even that it hurt. Although it
did
hurt. It's just there wasn't anywhere for it to go. Maybe my minge is deformed or something because I know for a fact that his willy will not fit in it. It only just snugly fits a tampon. Maybe we can never have sex. Maybe we will break up because I have a thimble fanny.

I had to tell him. ‘Look, it won't fit. It's too big. I'm sorry.'

Sam

‘It won't fit. It's too big. I'm sorry.'

I don't know why she said sorry. It's pretty much the best thing anyone's ever said to me. ‘It's too big.' I kept repeating it to myself as I walked home. This must be how porn stars feel every day. I told Robin and he spat his Coke out, laughing.

‘
Too big
? Yours? She must be taking the piss, man. Has she never seen one before?'

He offered to show her his, to help her ‘properly understand the scale of them'.

I thanked him, but declined. It would have been nice if we'd managed to do it that night, but I didn't even mind that much that we didn't. It was weird how un-weird it felt with Hannah. To be lying there, naked, laughing about how stupid it was that we couldn't have sex. It felt like we were in it together. Nothing could embarrass us because it was … well,
us
. She's coming over tomorrow. Maybe we'll have more luck then.

*

Hannah

I can hear the little boy who lives next door to Sam practising his violin. Lying here naked while Sam puts the condom on, looking at the broken skateboards nailed to his bedroom wall and the Müller Corner that has been by the door for a week, I feel a bit pointless. Like I should offer to do something, but what? I can't actually do anything except lie here. He has to do the rest. He's the only one who can make it happen.

Sam

I probably should have cleaned up my room a bit. Made more of an effort. That fucking Alistair kid next door with his violin … He couldn't have picked a worse moment. I hope I'm in this room in ten years' time when he's losing his virginity next door, so I can ruin his big day by loudly misplaying
Chopsticks
through the wall.

I am so shit at putting on condoms. I wonder if Hannah's noticed. You're supposed to glide it on smoothly, but that never works for me. It takes me three goes to get it on properly because I keep trapping my pubes, painfully. Finally, it's on.

Hannah

It feels awkward. He doesn't know where the hole is. I don't even know if I know where the hole is. I can feel him pushing up against a place that definitely isn't that place. I don't know if he'll be offended if I sort of guide it. But I don't want him to feel embarrassed. I hold it in my hand and poke it into the entrance bit. All he has to do is push.

Sam

I have literally no idea what I am doing. She keeps kissing me. Doesn't she realize that I need to concentrate? I can't do two things at once.

Hannah

I know he isn't pushing hard enough. It's like something is blocking it.

‘It's OK, I'm fine. Just do it,' I say.

And he pushes a bit more and it just goes in. All of a sudden it is in all the way. I feel like I should be staring into his eyes but I am actually staring at Mila Kunis's perfect bum because her poster is right by his bed.

Sam

I think it's in. I'm pretty sure it's in. She kind of grunts and squirms and lets out a little sigh. Does that mean it's in? There should be a light that comes on somewhere to let you know it's definitely in, like when you plug your charger into your laptop. I wish she'd stop looking at that Mila Kunis poster.

Hannah

Now it's in I'm not worried. Because I know what's going to happen now. It is sore. It feels like something alien is in me. Like my body knows it shouldn't be in there. It doesn't hurt, it just feels sore. Every time he pulls it out a bit and pushes it back in I wince. I don't know whether I should make noises. I mean, if I make noises like I'm enjoying it, it'll be absurd. But then lying silent is also weird …