Lobsters (25 page)

I went to the corner, faced the wall and opened the letter. I couldn't even make it out at first. The rows of letters and numbers and modules and boards. I could feel myself welling up.

I walked into the playground. Stella was there with Tilly and Grace. I didn't want to speak in case they were upset. But they were all smiling.

I smiled too. Still in shock, and then I found my voice …

‘Fuck! I'm going to York!'

I could smell pancakes before I even opened the front door. In the kitchen the table was laid and the family was all there. There were balloons that said ‘CONGRATULATIONS' and flowers from the garden in a vase on the table.

My mum hugged me first.

‘Well done, well done, well done,' she chanted in my ear and kissed my cheeks.

Dad put his arms around Mum and then around me too.

‘Three A's. And all summer you've been beside yourself about that History exam.'

Nan winked at me and opened a cupboard and pulled out a Tiffany's bag.

I have never been given anything expensive in my life. My family just don't have money for stuff like that.

‘I wanted you to have a bit of sparkle.'

I think Mum was a bit shocked. ‘Oh, Mum,' was all she said.

‘Audrey, that's very kind,' Dad chipped in.

I opened the turquoise bag and saw two boxes.

‘Open the new one first,' Nan said.

It was a chain with a solid silver heart on the end. It was gorgeous. I put it on straight away and hugged Nan.

The other box was cardboard and battered and old. I opened
it and saw my mum's face change. Nobody spoke. I took the ring out of the box. Joe broke the silence.

‘What is it?'

‘It's my wedding ring, love. It's getting on for being as old as me.'

‘Are you sure, Nan? You wear it every day,' I said.

She laughed it off but after breakfast when we were washing up she said, ‘I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.'

‘You're my nan. You have to think I'm great.'

‘Yeah, and you're my granddaughter and I say you're pretty special.'

I knew I couldn't laugh that away.

‘Thanks, Nan.'

‘Every time you look at the ring remember that I think you're perfect. Even when I'm gone.'

‘Nan, you're only seventy.'

‘I mean when I'm back in Marbella, you cheeky sod.'

I laughed so much I started choking. We talked about York and what clothes I wanted to buy for uni and what accommodation I'd get.

‘That ring's been lucky for me. I reckon it'll be lucky for you too.'

It felt like the longest day in the world. By midday I needed a sleep. The rain made the house feel cosy, so I got into bed and watched it hit my skylight. My mum went to meet Linda and my dad went to work. Nan was having a coffee date with a retired plumber called Keith, and I could hear Joe playing computer games downstairs.

It's weird to think of my room being empty when I go. Of things getting dusty. Everyone says you shouldn't go home in the first term because it makes you homesick. When I come back at Christmas and climb into my bed I will be different. I will have changed. It should be exciting, but it makes me scared. Like I want stasis. Everything to freeze. I don't want to forget how I feel now.

I don't know when I fell asleep but when the door creaked I thought it must be Joe.

It wasn't Joe. But it was fucking surreal.

‘Hey, Hannah.'

Pax was standing right there in my room.

Underneath the duvet I was wearing my bra and knickers and nothing else. Which I
never
do. Only American girls in films wear their underwear to bed, but today I'd got into bed in my clothes and then just wriggled them off.

I felt massively pissed off with Joe for letting him in the house and just waving him on upstairs without warning me. I stayed lying flat with the duvet up to my neck. I had to admit, he did look amazing. His hair had grown longer over the summer and he was a wearing a pale green T-shirt that matched his eyes.

‘Hey,' I said. ‘This is so weird.'

‘Yeah, sorry. I should have called.'

‘I don't mean bad weird. It's just weird you being in my house. I don't associate you with it. It feels freaky.'

‘Sorry. I know what you mean. Like when you see teachers outside school. I'm on my way home, and I haven't really seen you so I thought I'd come and say goodbye.'

‘Oh, that's so sweet.' As flattered as I felt, I suddenly wondered where Stella was and what exactly was going on. ‘I was actually just going to watch a movie, but—'

‘That sounds great,' he said, cutting me off before I could finish. ‘My train's not till five.'

‘Oh, right,' I said. ‘Cool.'

Why had he left Stella's three hours early?

‘I'm really sorry but I'm not actually dressed,' I said. ‘I just need to put something on.'

He laughed and put his hands over his eyes. ‘And I thought
my parents
were hippies. Is this a nudist house then?'

‘No way. We are so
not
naked people.'

‘So you're the rebel?'

‘Stand in the hall for a second.'

He obliged. From outside the door he said, ‘I have seen girls' bodies before, you know.'

I wanted to say, ‘Yeah, Stella's. Or a load of thin
Made in Chelsea
type gap year models called India and Effie and Miranda.' Or Panda. Her popping into my head made me think of Sam. But the thought of Pax seeing the stretch marks on my hips and my not-shaved-for-three-days legs distracted me.

‘Oh yeah, what a player you are,' was what came out instead. I meant it to sound funny, but it sounded matronly.

‘I didn't mean it like that …' he said.

I wondered how many girls Pax had slept with. And whether he had already slept with Stella.

‘OK, you can come in.'

I didn't want to care about what I was wearing and if he
thought I looked nice, but I did. It felt like a situation we definitely shouldn't be in. I wanted him to leave, or at least tell me what was going on. I did fancy him. It was impossible not to. But it was just being in proximity to that hotness, nothing else.

I got out my laptop and we picked
Stardust
. I felt guilty because I knew Joe was downstairs and it's the one film we actually both like. Being sat on my bed so close to Pax felt odd. Every time I moved I was aware of my body. I couldn't relax. It was like my life was in HD. I tried to sit in an attractive way and not breathe really heavily or sniff loudly. I wanted it to feel like mates hanging out, but it didn't. Bringing Stella up made me feel better, so I did quite a lot.

‘Are you gonna miss Stella when you go home?'

‘Yeah. Suppose.'

‘Do you think you'll go and visit her in Birmingham?'

‘Yeah, maybe.'

I couldn't think of anything else to say. Why was he being so cold about her? He leaned back and put his head against his arm.

‘I do like Stella …'

I could sense more was coming but I cut in.

‘She's beautiful. Totally stunning.'

He didn't say anything. He picked up the York reading list.

‘Oh, shit, I forgot to say congratulations! Stella told me you got in.'

‘Yeah,' I said. ‘Good news about Casper, too. He texted me this morning. Three A's.'

‘Yeah, it's awesome. I can't wait to see him later to celebrate.'

‘How come you're not staying up for the party tonight, then?' I asked.

‘I just …' He looked down at the floor. ‘I just can't. Got to get back.' There was a pause, and then he tapped the University of York logo on the reading list with his finger and grinned at me. ‘Hey, so we'll both be there next month. I'm really glad you're going too.'

‘Yeah, we can go to lectures together.'

Why do I always say the geeky thing?

‘Yeah.'

There was this weird silence. I wanted desperately to make it normal. To make it like a scene from
The Big Bang Theory
. For us to be jokey and cool.

But he stayed silent. Like he was daring me to stay silent too.

Suddenly, he stood up and started pacing the room frantically.

‘I wish I'd never fucking got off with Stella in Kavos. Everything is fucked! If I sleep with her and then dump her I'm the bastard that took her virginity.'

Why had she told him she was a virgin?
Was
she a virgin? But that wasn't the issue. Well, it sort of was.

‘
Dump
her? I thought you loved her?'

I didn't mean to say ‘love' really. I meant that she loved him, I suppose.

‘Love her? Love her? You don't love people until you're like twenty-three or something. She's just too … intense. She's acting like we're married or something. She's even put that we're in a relationship on Facebook. She's talking about coming to visit me
in York during Freshers' Week. It's not that I don't like her, it's just … too much right now.'

‘Why did you come to London then?'

‘I don't know. Because Casper was coming anyway and he told me he was going to hang out with you … And, well …' He stopped pacing for a moment and looked at me. ‘And the thought of him getting to hang out with you … I don't know … I suppose I was a bit jealous. I mean, I do like you. I tried to tell you that at the festival.' For the first time ever, he looked a bit shy. ‘There is something between us. Well, there is for me. And it makes me even more of a dick because now I've got myself into this situation with Stella and you're her best mate.'

I didn't know how to react. It was all too much to take in. For a spilt second I wanted to kiss him. Like I had that night in Kavos when he wanted me. He sat back down next to me on the bed, then leaned over and put his forehead against mine. We just sat like that. His mouth was so close.

‘I would never betray Stella.'

He was so close to me that I barely had to whisper it.

He kissed my cheek and I let him. And then he kissed it again but closer to my mouth.

I pulled away and looked at him.

‘She's my best friend.'

And that was it. He stood up and ran a hand through his hair. ‘OK, shit … I'm sorry. I'll … Maybe I should go, then.'

I nodded. ‘Yeah.'

He picked up his rucksack and said, ‘Hannah, please don't tell
Stella about this. It would only upset her.'

‘What are you going do, then?' I asked. ‘You can't just leave it like this with her.'

‘Yeah, I know. I'll call her tomorrow. I don't want to ruin her party.'

I nodded again.

‘See you in Freshers' Week, then,' he said. And he was gone.

My instinct was to call Grace or Tilly straight away. But I knew that, in some way, that would also be betraying Stella. I felt like this was something that needed to stay between me and Pax. I turned over and buried my face in the pillow. Why was everything so fucked?

I heard the front door bang; Nan was back from her date. She came upstairs and craned her neck around the door.

‘If you don't want
him
, babes, then I don't know what it is you want.'

And then she winked at me.

Feeling so many things at once is exhausting. So I just shut it all out and went back to sleep.

Nan has kept clothes that have memories attached to them. My favourite is a black minidress. It's got really long sleeves but is tiny. She wore it to her engagement party. There's a black-and-white photograph of her wearing it in an album. She's wearing boots that cover her knees and false eyelashes. She looks like a film star. I have tried it on loads of times in my parents' bedroom but never seriously thought about wearing it out. I'm not brave enough to wear vintage stuff. I'm not cool or kooky. I have
nothing. I don't have Sam, and now I know how liking someone the way I liked him feels, I don't want to settle for something less. Even if the something less is as good-looking as Pax.

The person I wanted didn't want me and I was leaving to go to university at the other end of the country. Tonight was just one night. I could just go to Stella's party, have fun and not care about anything.

So I went upstairs and put the dress on. When I came back down, Nan and Mum were in the kitchen. They stopped arguing when I walked into the room and Mum said, ‘When did you get so beautiful?'

And Nan said, ‘It's like looking at myself.'

Mum snorted. ‘Modest as ever.'

‘What should I wear it with? I don't have boots like you had.'

‘Eyeliner. And lots of it,' said Nan.

So I went upstairs and traced around my eyes three times. Then I just put my Converse on and left like that.

Sam

I got the text in the middle of a discussion with my mum. I say discussion – it was more a long, uninterrupted and highly emotional monologue from her about my lack of dedication to French homework.