Living Again (11 page)

“What does that mean?” she asked, her eyes roaming down his arms as he gripped the steering wheel.

Ben turned to her while the car was stopped at a red light. “Emily is picking up Alexis and keeping her at her house until you come get her.” He searched her eyes, waiting for her reaction. For the second time in as many minutes, she was speechless. This was incredible. She didn’t know whether to be angry or awestruck that he had gone to so much trouble to spend time with her.

“Why, Ben?” Kayley asked softly, feeling a lump in her throat she couldn’t explain. She looked over at him, noticing he was still studying her intently, waiting for her reaction.

“Why what, Kayley?” His voice was equally as soft. He pulled into the parking lot of a small section of beach and killed the engine. He took off his glasses and looked at her, his piercing blue eyes making her stomach flutter with anticipation.

“Why did you go to all this trouble? Talking to my friends, making sure my daughter was taken care of…” Kayley willed herself not to make an absolute fool out of herself in front of him for no reason. So he was a nice guy, and wanted to spend time with her. It didn’t need to make her all sappy.

Ben took his hand carefully from the steering wheel and tentatively put it over Kayley’s. She stared at his hand, large and masculine, starkly contrasting from her small, feminine hand. The hands that take care of sick kids and their anxious parents, who took care of Alexis. She hadn’t felt another man’s hand holding hers in a very long time.

“Kayley,” Ben’s voice practically purred her name. She blinked and looked up at him, her stomach swirling at the intense look in his eyes. “I wasn’t kidding when I told you at the hospital that I wanted to get to know you. I understand your fear. I would never push you. But at the same time, I can’t tear myself away from the connection I seem to have with you. I want to see what it is. I will go as slowly as you want me to. I promise. I feel like the fact that you gave me a little bit of information about you at the hospital meant you had a slight interest in me as well. Am I wrong?”

Kayley knew he was right. She was the one that kept the door open a crack by telling him where to find her at work. She essentially asked for this to happen.
Did I want him to pursue me?
She asked herself. “You-you aren’t wrong,” Kayley practically whispered, looking down at her lap. “I don’t know why I told you what I told you. It was like an invitation. I felt the same connection you did, Ben. I just honestly do not know what to do about that. It’s been years since I’ve felt anything for anyone except my husband. It-it feels wrong somehow to want to get to know you. I know that sounds silly-”

“It’s not silly,” Ben cut her off. “I completely understand why you feel the way you feel. It’s been a rough year for you. Your daughter is a constant reminder of what you lost and how much you loved him. I’m not trying to replace him, Kayley. All I’m asking for is a chance to get to know you.”

She couldn’t stop them this time. Tears rolled down her cheeks with a mind of their own. She wiped them away quickly, trying to keep him from seeing her as a total basket case. Ben reached out and wiped one tear off of her cheek. She gasped at his touch, feeling like he burned her. He lifted her chin up with his finger so that she was looking him in the eyes. “I don’t want to make you cry. I want to see that beautiful smile of yours.”

Kayley couldn’t help but to smile at him. “How do you know my smile is beautiful? All you’ve seen me do is cry.”

Ben shook his head, making a piece of hair fall into his face. Kayley wanted to push it back in place, but she didn’t dare. “That’s totally not true. I saw you smile at Alexis when she woke up. I saw you smile at me today when you saw me there. I even saw you smile as you headed back inside to get your purse to go with me. And just now you smiled.”

Kayley didn’t know what to say to that, because he was right. He had made her smile, and Alexis always did. “Okay.”

“Okay what?” Ben challenged.

“Okay, I’ll get to know you,” Kayley told him, looking away from him.

Ben opened the car door and walked around to her door, opening it so she could get out. She stepped out of the car and found that he was standing very close to her. “Why do I want to get to know you, Kayley? Because what I do know is you’re beautiful, you’re a great mother, and you care about people. That’s a good enough reason for me to want to get to know you.”

Kayley had nothing to say to that, so she allowed Ben to lead her across the beach to the sand. He stopped as they reached the sand and took off his shoes, looking at Kayley. She slipped off her work shoes and carried them in her hand. “Where to?” she asked shyly.

“Down here,” Ben pointed down the beach, and they walked in silence through the warm sand, both lost in thought.

“Here we are,” Ben announced. Kayley stopped and looked at the large blanket set out on the sand with a picnic basket holding the edge down and an umbrella stuck in the sand to give them shade.

“Well,” Kayley breathed past the butterflies fluttering up her stomach, “You really knew I was going to come with you, huh?” She looked up at him and saw such a hopeful look on his face that she couldn’t help but smile.

“I was really, really hoping, Kayley. Guess my powers of persuasion still work.” Ben winked at her and threw his shoes in the sand. She did the same with hers and then settled herself on the blanket.

“I’m kind of not dressed for this, “Kayley laughed, rolling up the khaki pants she was wearing for work. Ben smiled.

“Me either,” Ben sat next to her, rolling up his jeans. He opened the picnic basket and pulled out two drinks. “Water?”

“Thanks,” Kayley said, watching Ben as he opened his bottle and gulped it. Watching his lips on the bottle, and his throat as he swallowed… She shook her head, chastising herself for staring.

She opened her bottle and sipped slowly, watching Ben out of the corner of her eye. She felt so— awkward being here. She hadn’t been in a situation like this with a man other than Alex in so long, she had no idea how to make small talk. When she had met Alex, she had no baggage to worry about. She was a carefree college kid, and Alex was instantly her best friend. Now she had a lifetime of worry and heartache, and didn’t know how to escape that to try to find a new friend. Kayley loved to go to the beach, but hadn’t been here since the anniversary of Alex’s death, just two months ago. It was something they always loved to do, living in Florida, and she felt a pang of longing in her stomach as she looked out to the blue water, waves crashing gently onto the shore. The breeze ruffled her hair, and she turned her face to the sun. What was she doing here? Was she doing the right thing, allowing this man into her life?

“Penny for your thoughts,” Ben murmured, suddenly very close to her ear. She jumped, then turned her face slightly so she could look at him. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,” he laughed. She shook her head and laughed as well. “So, tell me something about yourself. Obviously I know your name, and that you have the cutest little girl named Alexis, and you’re a physical therapist. Tell me something I don’t know.”

Kayley went through the files in her head. Hmm, what would he want to know? How old she was? About her family? Where she went to school? “What do you want to know?” she asked, trying to stuff the memories of Alex away and lock them up.

Ben laid back and put his arms behind his head, closing his eyes in the bright sunshine. Kayley took the opportunity to look at him again. His sandy blonde hair was blowing with the ocean breeze, the slight curls sticking out. His biceps protruded as he put his arms behind his head. His shirt raised slightly, exposing tanned, sculpted abs before his pants began and she lost visual. As she made her way to his rolled up jeans, she heard a low laugh. She turned to see him propped up on one elbow, watching her. Fire exploded in her cheeks and she turned away, mortified that he had totally just caught her checking him out.

“Tell me about what you were like growing up.” He mercifully did not bring up her being caught staring at his body. “Where are you from, what is your family like, that kind of stuff.”

Kayley breathed out slowly. She could do that. “You really want to hear all this boring stuff?” she asked. Ben nodded. “Okay then. Well, I was born here in Florida. My parents have been married for 33 years. I have an older brother, Kevin, who is 32. He is married to my sister in-law, Cathy, and they have three kids. “Kayley paused to look at him to see if she was boring him yet. He still watched her intently, so she continued. “Their kids are 7, 5, and 3. Two boys and a girl. They live here as well.” Kayley cleared her throat, trying to get back to herself. “I was always a good student, and thought when I was a kid that I wanted to be a teacher because I loved kids. When I got into college though, I had a roommate that was majoring in physical therapy. She took me with her one day when she was volunteering, and I fell in love with it. Now I can do my physical therapy with kids, so that fulfills both parts of me. When I’m not at work, I spend time with Alexis. But before her, I spent a lot of time with Emily. We’ve known each other since we were eight years old. She has a daughter, Cate, who is three, and she’s married to her high school sweetheart. You obviously know her,” Kayley paused, looking at Ben mischievously. He smiled in return and nodded his head.

“I love to go to the beach, go on bike rides through the park, run, and read, though I don’t have time for many of those things anymore, since I’m a single mom…” Kayley trailed off. She had purposely left Alex out of her history, and it gave her a pain deep in her heart.

“Tell me about her,” Ben whispered. Kayley looked at him.

“Alexis?” she asked. He nodded. “Are you sure?”

“Kayley,” he put his hand on hers again. “She’s your whole world. I love kids. Please, tell me about her.” His tender voice made her believe he was sincere. After all, he did bring Alexis a stuffed monkey, and he was a pediatric doctor.

“Alexis is the light of my life. I have no idea what I did without her. When I got pregnant with her, it was a surprise but a good one. Alex and I-”Kayley stopped talking, realizing what she said.

“It’s okay, Kayley. He’s a big part of your life, too. I can take it,” Ben reassured her.

She nodded. “Alex and I were so happy that we were going to be parents. We planned for me to take a year off with Alexis. I had a great pregnancy. A little bit of morning sickness, but overall, I was healthy and so was she. When I was twenty weeks, we opted to not find out what she was, and instead leave it for the birth to find out. Of course, Alex died a month before she was born…” Her voice caught and she tried hard to swallow past it.

“Can you talk about it?” Ben asked, sitting up now so he was looking directly in her eyes.

She had no idea why he wanted to hear about Alex, but it felt good to be talking like this, so she continued. “I had stopped working, since I was a month away from my due date and my job is pretty physical. I didn’t have any health problems but we were prepared for me to be off, so I went ahead and went on maternity leave. I was home, preparing dinner when I got a phone call that forever changed my life. They called me to tell me that Alex had been in a car accident. The next several hours of my life were a complete blur. They tried to save him, but he had been thrown from the car. A drunk driver had hit him going fifty-five miles an hour. He never stood a chance. So, one month before Alexis was born, I lost my husband.” Kayley looked out at the water, remembering the last time she had been at the beach.

“How long had you been together?” he asked, taking out some grapes from the picnic basket and putting them in between them. Kayley grabbed a handful and popped a few in her mouth.

“We became friends our junior year of college, the best of friends. We were in all of our classes together, since he was also majoring in physical therapy. When we graduated, we had never admitted our feelings to one another. That night, Alex professed his love to me and we got engaged. It was rather sudden, but everyone knew it was right. We got married a year later, and we were married for three years when- when,” she stopped, blinking tears from her eyes.

“He passed away a month before you had your daughter. God, Kayley. That is horrible. I am so sorry that happened to you. I can’t imagine what you went through.”

“We let Alex go in the water, his ashes,” she whispered. “A month before Alexis’ birthday was the one year anniversary of his death,” she explained. Ben sat, watching her. “When he died, I couldn’t let his ashes go. Even though I knew that he wasn’t in there, it was like saying goodbye to the final part of him. I couldn’t do it. So I kept him on my mantle, until I finally felt like it was time to move on and say goodbye. We gathered at Pike’s Pass, our favorite part of beach, and I let him go there.” Kayley sniffled, remembering the way Alex’s ashes floated through the water and disappeared.

“You’re so brave. I can’t imagine going through that at such a young age.” Ben’s heart swelled with pride for this beautiful girl that had been through so much.

“Thanks for listening to me, Ben. I can’t imagine you really wanted to hear any of that.”

“I wanted to hear all of that and more. I knew you were an amazing person before, but now I’m absolutely convinced. So, tell me more about your little girl. Who is she like? She got your beautiful blonde hair,” he complimented, reaching out and touching a strand of her hair. Kayley smiled, knowing he was trying to help her move on to happier topics.

“She’s amazing. She’s a lot like her dad in personality- she likes things her way, but is also the sweetest, most loving child. She got my hair and her dad’s beautiful eyes, but she looks mostly like me when I was a baby. She literally saved my life. I really believe that. When Alexis was born, I was an absolute wreck. For a while, I barely functioned. My parents came over daily, as well as my brother, sister in-law, and Emily. I was never alone, except at night, and sometimes not even then. I loved Alexis fiercely and wouldn’t let her out of my sight for fear something would happen to her, too. Finally, after a few months I had to force myself to try to be something other than a shell of myself. I went back to work. I started going out with my friends again. I have a hole the size of Texas in my heart, Ben. That’s why I told you what I told you in the hospital. I’ve been down that road before, and I barely survived losing Alex. Then with the scare of Alexis being sick on her birthday, it put me right back to the year before, and I could barely deal with the thought of losing her, too. It’s been two weeks, Ben, and I can’t sleep at night. I stare at her and make sure she’s breathing. I’m a mess. Dropping her off at my mom’s today so I could go to work made me physically ill.”