Little Black Girl Lost (6 page)

“T
here she goes! There goes the white man's whore,” someone shouted as Johnnie walked past a group of students on the way home from school.

Johnnie pretended not hear what was said. It hurt her deeply, but she maintained her dignity and continued walking, head held high.

“How could you do it with the white man?” Billy Logan yelled. “How could you give yourself to the white man after what he's done to us?”

Johnnie walked faster. The crowd followed, still taunting her. Then Billy Logan yelled, “My mother said she's a whore! She comes from a long line of whores! What do you expect a whore to do? She probably sucks his dick too! Don't you, whore? Don't you suck his dick?”

Johnnie burst into tears.

“That's what I thought, ya tramp,” Billy Logan said, continuing his tirade.

“Hey, man, leave her be!” Lucas Matthews intervened.

Lucas was the high school football star who blew his chances of getting into Grambling University because of inadequate grades. People thought he wasn't very bright because of his poor reading skills. At the time, no one knew what dyslexia was. Lucas had to work hard just to remain eligible for the high school team, but the season was over and the reality of poor grades finally set in.

Coach Mitchell told the handsome and well built high school football star that he couldn't endorse a letter to Grambling University because he feared that Blacks would be exploited forty or fifty years in the future by white coaches who would not put a premium on education. Coach Mitchell gave Lucas the same advice he received and heeded. He repeatedly told Lucas to develop his mind so he would have something to fall back on after his football days were over. Unfortunately, Lucas didn't take his advice to heart, and was in danger of flunking out his senior year.

Having been teased early on by his classmates about his poor test scores, Lucas learned to use his fists and had whipped several grown men. But none of that mattered to Johnnie. She found him very attractive—all the girls did. Now that he was defending her honor, she liked him all the more. She began to see Lucas as her rescuer, her protector, and her soon-to-be lover.

“Or what? You her guardian angel or somethin'?” Billy asked Lucas.

Billy Logan was sort of a tough guy too. He liked Johnnie, but when he found out about Earl Shamus, he just didn't see her the way he once did, high on a throne. If Johnnie would give it up to the white man, she would give it up to anybody. And if she would give it up to anybody, she couldn't be special no matter how pretty she was. But still, he was deeply infatuated with her. He couldn't help himself. She was that gorgeous.

“Or I'ma kick yo' ass,” Lucas blared.

The crowd oohed and ahhed, egging the two boys on. Billy didn't want to fight Lucas because he knew of Lucas' formidable reputation for kicking ass and taking names. Nevertheless, he knew he couldn't back down, not in front of the crowd, and certainly not in front of Johnnie. He had to show her he was man enough to back up his words with his fists. If it came down to fighting Lucas, he would.

“Are you her guardian angel?” Billy repeated. He wanted to get out of the situation before it got out of hand. “If you're a relative or something, no problem.”

Lucas, sensing his vulnerability, decided to press the issue. He liked Johnnie too. All the boys did. He believed he could take Billy in a fistfight, and if he did, he would have a chance with Johnnie. He wanted to impress her with his fighting skill. Other than football, fighting was the only other thing he was good at. Lucas believed that if he beat up Billy over Johnnie, word would get around and everybody would know she was his girl, eliminating the competition.

“Yeah, I'm her guardian angel. If you don't believe me, all you have to do is call me a liar.”

Still looking for a way out, Billy said, “If you say you're her guardian angel, fine. No problem.”

Johnnie watched Lucas with admiring eyes. She liked the idea of him defending her. No one had ever defended her, not even her own mother. From what she read in her bible, she believed a loving God should have done what Lucas was now doing, the night Earl Shamus stuck his tool in her private place. And since not even God had protected her from evil men, if Lucas fought for her and won, he would become her new god and she would worship him forever. She would freely give him what Earl had to pay for and much more. She would give Lucas her very soul if he desired it.

“No, there is a problem,” Lucas growled. “Apologize or I'ma kick yo' ass.”

“Ain't that much ass kickin' in the world, nigga,” Billy felt compelled to say. It was a cliché in the neighborhood whenever one was challenged to a fight.

The crowd gathered around, still egging them on. Both boys had their guards up, looking for an opening. Johnnie watched with eager anticipation.

“Get 'em, Lucas,” Johnnie yelled.

That was all Lucas Matthews needed to hear. He went right after Billy. He hit him with a left jab and a right cross which staggered Billy, but didn't make him fall. Billy came forward, faked with the right and connected with a lightening quick left hook that shook up Lucas. It felt good to connect against such a well-known fighter. It gave him confidence to continue being aggressive, but it was a mistake.

Billy was over-confident now. He'd gotten a lucky punch in and thought he had a chance to win the fight. He faked with the right again. He thought if it worked once, it would work again. Lucas knew the left hook was coming next and waited on it. Just as Billy was about to throw the left hook, Lucas stepped in and threw a right cross of his own. It hit Billy flush on the chin. He staggered and took a few steps backward. Lucas moved in quickly and hit him with a left right left combination that put him on his ass. Billy shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs.

Standing over him, Lucas yelled, “You ready to apologize now?”

Billy stood to his feet and shouted, “Hell naw! Don't nobody knock me on my ass and get away with it.” He charged Lucas and tackled his legs. The two boys rolled on the ground while the crowd cheered the combatants on. Lucas ended up on top of Billy, but neither of them had an advantage. Their bodies were tangled together. Neither boy could get a blow in. Then Lucas noticed some water from the previous night's rain within arms reach. He broke free and put his hand in the water. Quickly, he flicked the dirt-filled water into Billy's eyes. Billy panicked and let go to rub his irritated eyes, leaving himself vulnerable. He couldn't see as Lucas pounded his face with both fists. Hurt, Billy was bleeding from the mouth and nose. Both eyes were swollen.

Lucas stopped the beating and screamed, “You ready to apologize to her, or you want some more?”

Lying prostrate on his back, Billy said, “I'm sorry,” through a bloodied mouth.

Lucas, who was standing up, said, “Hell naw, muthafucka. On your feet and say that shit like you mean it.”

Billy stood up. “I'm sorry.”

“Muthafucka!” Lucas yelled. “Didn't I say to say that shit like you mean it?” He hit Billy with three wicked left hooks. The first one dazed him, the second staggered him and the third put him on the seat of his pants again. “Now, say that shit like you mean it. And do it from there. Better yet, say it on your knees.”

Humiliated to tears, Billy Logan said, “I'm sorry, Johnnie. I didn't mean it. You're not a whore, okay?” Then he cried out loud.

“See, muthafucka,” Lucas said softly. “That's how she felt when you said that bullshit to her.” Lucas folded his arms and looked at the crowd. “If I ever hear about any of you bitches and bastards saying some shit about her again, ya ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower. Spread the word. Now take ya asses home.”

N
ow that he had beaten Billy Logan into submission, Lucas Matthews believed the spoils belonged to him. “Can I carry your books home for you, Johnnie?” Lucas asked, feeling like he could do no wrong.

“Yes,” she said with a smile.

By the time they got to Johnnie's house, Lucas' jaw was swollen from the one punch he'd received from Billy Logan. Johnnie invited him in so she could put an ice pack on his jaw. It was the least she could do since he defended her in front of a crowd of kids who were hurling insults at her. The house was quiet when they entered. Johnnie knew Marguerite would be at Shirley's as usual. Lucas was almost glad he'd caught a punch. He hadn't hoped to get this far this fast. He was in her house and felt like he was on top of the world.

“Have a seat,” Johnnie said. “I'll get you some ice for your jaw.”

Lucas sat down. He looked around the house, admiring the way it was arranged. There were family pictures on the wall across the room from where he sat. He got up and walked over to the wall to get a better look at the pictures of Johnnie when she was a baby. She was even cute then. She still had those alluring eyes and those dimples that made his heart melt. He could hear Johnnie coming back into the living room.

“Here,” she said. “Let me put this on your jaw.” When the ice, wrapped in a towel, touched his jaw. Johnnie could feel his body shake. “How does that feel, Lucas?”

“Cold.”

“Hold the ice on it and the swelling should go down.”

“Okay,” he said. His hand touched hers when he put his hand to his jaw. He felt the warmth of her hand. They looked into each other's eyes for a moment.

When Johnnie removed her hand, she felt herself becoming aroused by the momentary touch and the wanton looks. She wanted him inside of her, but she didn't want him to think she was the whore everyone made her out to be.
I'm a lady, in my own way.

“So, who are these people in these pictures, Johnnie?” Lucas asked. He wanted to kiss her while they were staring at each other, but thought better of it. To Lucas, pretty girls were good girls, and good girls didn't give it up the first time they had you over. Nevertheless, his erection was harder than a brick. He was hoping she couldn't see it.

“Oh, these are pictures of me, my mother, and my brother.”

“I can tell which one of these baby pictures is you, Johnnie.”

“You can? How?” Johnnie smiled.

“Your eyes and your dimples are still the same.”

“You really think so?”

“Yes, I do. You're the prettiest girl in school and the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Everybody says it, even the girls. That's why they don't like you. 'Cause they know you better lookin' than they is. That's why they call you a whore. But you ain't no whore. Not to me.”

Johnnie turned away from him. She was a whore—at least she felt like one. The proof of her whoredom would be walking through the front door in a few hours, expecting her to put out for him. It didn't matter that she was forced into this kind of life. Besides, she liked sex now. She learned to please herself by touching her privates when she was in bed. At first, she was embarrassed when she masturbated to orgasm, but now she thought of Lucas Matthews when she did it. And now he was in her house and they were talking about her whoring. In those seconds that she'd turned from him, she toyed with the idea of telling all but dismissed it. It was too soon. He thought too much of her.

“Johnnie, what's wrong?”

“Nothing, Lucas. You just been so kind to me. I feel like I don't deserve it,” Johnnie said, looking into his eyes.

At that moment, Lucas wanted to ask her if she would be his girl. He didn't know if she was being nice or if she really liked him. All he knew was that he really liked her and he wanted her to be his. He decided he would take the chance.

“Johnnie,” he said, nervously. “Will you—”

The front door opened and Marguerite entered the living room. “What the hell is goin' on up in here?”

“N
othin', Mama,” Johnnie said, feeling guilty even though she hadn't done anything wrong.

“Nothin', huh?” Marguerite repeated. “Nothin' my ass!”

“Ma'am,” Lucas interceded. “We wasn't doin' nothin', honest.”

“You wasn't doin' nothin'?” Marguerite mocked. “You mean you didn't have a chance to do nothin'. You ain't foolin' me, boy. You cain't wait to get yo' dick up in her. If I hadn'ta come in here, who knows what woulda been goin' on.”

“Mama!” Johnnie shouted, feeling totally embarrassed. It was bad enough that she had to have sex with Earl. Now that she liked a boy her own age, her mother was ruining it for her.

“And don't Mama me,” Marguerite exploded. “You know I don't allow no boys in this house, girl. You can get mad all you want, but you know that.”

“Johnnie, I better go,” Lucas said, bowing his head. “I'm sorry I caused trouble, ma'am.”

“You goddamn right you better go,” Marguerite yelled. “And don't let me catch you here again. You hear me?”

“Yes, ma'am,” Lucas said and started walking toward the door.

“Let me see you out,” Johnnie said, still embarrassed. She opened the door and they went out on the front porch. “I'm sorry, Lucas. I'll be gettin' my own place soon. I can have you over then, if you still want to see me.”

“I do, Johnnie. I want you to be my girl. Will you?”

As much as she wanted to say yes, Johnnie knew not to, not yet anyway. She had too much going on in her life right now. She had to please too many people. She had her mother, Earl, and now Martin Winters wanted in.

“We'll see, Lucas,” she said, looking into his eyes. “I'll let you know after I move, okay?”

“Okay, Johnnie,” he said, disappointed.

Johnnie watched him as he walked down the street. She was hoping he'd turn around so she could see his handsome face once more before she went into the house. He did, and she smiled. Then she thought about what her mother had done only moments ago. Her eyes narrowed when she thought about all that happened to her in the last year or so. She did everything her mother had asked her to do.
And what thanks did I get?
Johnnie entered the house with fury in her eyes.

Marguerite knew her daughter was upset with her, but she didn't care. The foremost thing on Marguerite's mind was keeping the money coming in from Earl. If that meant a strained relationship with her daughter, so be it. Marguerite had been where Johnnie was going. She knew it was a road leading to disappointment and bitterness. In her own way, Marguerite truly believed she was saving Johnnie from the same mistakes she'd made, but Johnnie was too young to understand. Marguerite could see contempt in Johnnie's eyes, and knew she had to say something to get her daughter to understand what she was trying to do. Marguerite wanted her to know how much she cared, and that she knew the ultimate end with Lucas Matthews.

“Johnnie, I know you mad at me, but—”

“I don't wanna hear it, Mama!” Johnnie screamed.

“All I'm tryin' to do is keep you from making the same mistakes I made when I was yo' age. I know you don't understand now, but in time, you will.”

“Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was for me? Do you? Lucas Matthews is the only somebody who truly cares for me.”

“I care about you, honey,” Marguerite said as compassionately as she could.

Johnnie laughed cruelly. “You care about me? You? That's a laugh. You're the one who turned me out! You're the one who pimped me! My own mother!”

Marguerite slapped Johnnie across the face with the back of her hand. Johnnie slapped her back and the two women engaged in an all-out brawl. Marguerite grabbed Johnnie, put her in a headlock, and shouted, “Who do you think you are, disrespectin' me and talkin' to me like some fool on the streets? Girl, don't you know I will kill you?”

Fueled by her fury, Johnnie was stronger than Marguerite, and was able to free herself of the headlock. She grabbed Marguerite by her thick hair, put her in a headlock and flipped her. Marguerite went down hard, making a loud thud when her body hit the floor. They rolled on the floor, grunting, trying to get in blows.

Marguerite yelled between grunts, “No face scratchin,' goddamn it. No face scratchin'!”

Suddenly, they were back on their feet, hitting each other on the head, but not the face. Glass shattered, keepsakes broke, but they kept fighting as if it were to the death. Both women remained careful not to cut up each other's face. Marguerite got tired and Johnnie tackled and climbed on top of her. She slapped her silly, yelling at her after each blow was delivered.
Smack! Smack! Smack!
The blows went against her head.

“Don't you ever—”
Smack! Smack! Smack!
“put your hands—”
Smack! Smack! Smack!
“on me again! You touch me again and I'll kill you! You hear me? I'll kill you!”

The stinging blows stunned Marguerite. As she shrank back from Johnnie, putting her hands up to ward off the blows, Marguerite realized her daughter was no longer a child in a woman's body. Johnnie was a full-grown woman with a mind of her own now.

Knowing she was now in charge of her life, Johnnie shouted, “You got a lot of nerve sayin' you love me! How, Mama? You love me how? A year ago, I was a church-going, good Christian girl! What am I now, Mama? I'm a whore! Your whore! That's what they call me at school! The white man's whore! Just like you, Mama! Do you know what happened to me on the way home today? Do you even care?”

Marguerite, on her feet now, tried to explain again, but Johnnie kept on giving her a piece of her mind.

“When I got out of school today, a crowd of kids followed me. They were sayin' all kind of cruel things about me. One boy kept talkin' about me. He kept sayin', ‘Don't you suck his dick, whore?' Do you know how that makes me feel, havin' the whole neighborhood knowin' my shame? And for what? To put food on the table and clothes on yo' back? Well, I'm not gonna do it no more! Not for you! Not for anybody! From now on, I'm makin' the rules! And I will have Lucas Matthews. Lucas was the only somebody who stood up for me. He beat the boy up for sayin' what he said about me. Lucas likes me and I like him. And I'll tell you something else too, Mama. I'm gonna do it with him.”

“What am I supposed to do, Johnnie?” Marguerite asked, full of sorrow and remorse. “How am I supposed to live?”

“Don't worry, Mama. I'll keep takin' care of you. You showed me how. I'll say one thing for you, Mama. You were right about men. They all want me. Every last one of 'em. And now that I'm a woman, I'm gonna do exactly what you taught me. I'm gonna have whatever I want. Money, clothes, whatever! As a matter of fact, Earl is buyin' me a house. I'm moving out and there's nothing you can do about it!”

Johnnie left Marguerite standing there in the middle of the living room with her mouth open. She went upstairs to her room and packed her bags. A few minutes later, she heard Earl's Cadillac pull up. She picked up her suitcase, went downstairs and met him at the door.

“Where you goin'?” Marguerite asked.

“Anywhere but here,” she said firmly.

Earl opened the door. He could see how enraged Johnnie was. “What's going on?” he asked. “Where are you going with that suitcase?”

“You takin' me to a hotel. I'm never comin' back here again.”

“I am, huh?” Earl asked, still wondering what had happened between mother and daughter.

“Earl, I'm not in the mood. Take this suitcase and let's go before I change my mind.”

“Johnnie, please don't leave,” Marguerite begged. “I don't wanna be alone.” Johnnie kept walking as if she didn't hear her mother's pleas. Marguerite turned to Earl. “Please don't take my baby from me.”

Johnnie stopped in her tracks. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Slowly, she turned around and angrily faced her mother. As she saw the pitiful look on her mother's face, she shook her head. “Take your baby, Mama? I don't even believe you. You sold your baby, Mama, on Christmas Eve, remember?”

Complete silence filled the room as mother and daughter looked at each other with tears in their eyes. Earl grabbed her suitcase and walked out of the house.

“I'm sorry, baby,” Marguerite said, looking into her eyes. “I was only doing all I knew how. Please forgive me.”

“I forgive you,” Johnnie said, putting on her sunglasses. “I love you, Mama, but I gotta go.”

Johnnie walked out of the house and got into the Cadillac. She could feel her mother's eyes on her the entire time, but refused to look at her. Earl started the car and pulled off.

Marguerite stood at the door, watching the Cadillac until it disappeared. Slowly, the anguish she felt found its way out and she cried loudly.