Little Black Girl Lost (2 page)

W
hen they entered the bedroom, Shamus undressed hurriedly as Johnnie watched him, almost panic-stricken. The look on his face was like a man in the Sahara Desert desperately in need of water. While Earl Shamus stripped down to his boxer shorts, Johnnie stood there watching, unsure of what to do. Shamus turned around and saw Johnnie standing there, still fully dressed and staring at his protruding organ. She could see a small wet spot in the front of his shorts where the semen had already begun to seep out. Johnnie looked him in the face and wondered what he expected her to do.
I've never done this before.

“What are you waitin' for, girl?” Shamus asked, impatiently. “I don't have all night. I have to get home. My wife is holding dinner for me. Now get undressed!”

Oh, my God!
Suddenly it became clear to Johnnie that not only would she be fornicating with Earl Shamus, but she would also be an adulterer— just like him. She wanted to get out of that room and out of the situation altogether.
But how?
“Yo' wife know you be in the colored neighborhood spreadin' yo' sap around?” Johnnie asked, hoping the question would be enough to jar his conscience.

“What's it to you? You just take them clothes off. I've been waitin' a long time for you and I mean to have you. Do you have any idea how much money it cost me to get you? Plenty, that's for sure.”

Is there no shame in you?
She wished her big brother Benny was home, believing that if he were there, Earl Shamus wouldn't dare try this. But Benny had a family of his own now, and was living in San Francisco with Brenda, his wife, who had just given birth to Jericho in October.

“Come on, girl,” Shamus ordered.

Reluctantly, Johnnie undressed. Shamus watched her every move as if she were doing a striptease just for him. His mouth watered when she took off her blouse. He knew she had a nice shape, but hadn't fathomed how well put together she was. Johnnie's measurements were 40–24–38. Her delectable breasts spilled over her bra, revealing lots of cleavage. She had a trim waist, and her pear-shaped derriere sat atop slim, muscular thighs and calves. There wasn't a hint of fat on her.

Johnnie could see the eagerness in his eyes. He looked like a ravenous lion that hadn't eaten in weeks, which terrified her. She slid out of her skirt and stood before him wearing a white bra and panties. Black pubic hair was visible at the outer edges of her panties.

“The rest,” he demanded.

Johnnie reached around, unhooked her bra and slid each arm out. The tears flowed again. She looked at him, praying he would have mercy and let her go.

Looking at her large breasts, Earl Shamus couldn't wait to fondle and suck them. Somehow, the whole idea of seeing her half naked made him even harder, and he wanted to see more. “The panties too.” It was more of a request than a demand this time. The sight of her nakedness made the anticipation of being inside her all the more stimulating.

Johnnie slid out of her panties one leg at a time and stood motionless before him, attempting to cover herself. Shamus took off his boxers and she looked at his stiff penis, semen still oozing. She'd never seen one before. It looked gigantic. She saw a thick vein sticking out and wondered if an erection hurt. With him being as big as he was, it would certainly hurt her, she thought. She had heard how the first time was very painful from some of the sexually active girls at school.

As Johnnie contemplated what was about to happen to her, Shamus grabbed her and threw her on the bed, recklessly squeezing and sucking her breasts. His hands were still cold and damp from being outside. His groans sounded like a wounded animal. Then he kissed her lips. The smell of wine on his breath made her nauseous. Johnnie wondered what her mother was doing out there in the living room. And what did she mean when she said all women had to go through this?
Was Mama raped? Or did grandmama sell her too?

Johnnie could hear him lapping at her breasts, and those terrible animal sounds he made. When she felt him touching her genitals, she wanted to scream in horror but clenched her teeth instead. He pried her legs apart with one of his knees and positioned himself to enter her.

“Oh, Jesus! Sweet Lord! Don't let this happen to me! Please God! No! No! No! No! No! No!”

Earl was so overcome by lust, so blinded by wanton desire that he couldn't hear her supplication. He moved his organ around until he found the opening of her extremely tight vagina.

Suddenly, without warning, she felt the piercing pain of the violation taking place.

“Ooooooh, God! Nooooo!”

With each violent thrust, she cried louder and louder. “Stop it . . . Stop it . . . Stop! Please stop!” And as suddenly as it began, it was over. She could feel him slipping out of her. Exhausted, Earl Shamus rolled off her. Then he looked at her and kissed her cheek.

“Thank you. That wasn't too bad, was it?”

Not knowing what to say, Johnnie, still whimpering, shook her head no. She was frightened and confused. Only minutes ago, she was upstairs reading in her secluded retreat. The next thing she knew, she was being sold to a white man for Christmas presents and food.

“Next time, it'll be easier,” Shamus told her.

“Next time? You mean I gotta do this again?” Johnnie wondered how many times she would have to do this to pay for the gifts and the food.

“Yeah, girl. You might even learn to like it.” Shamus chuckled, feeling like a stud. He got out of bed and put his clothes back on. He put five dollars on the pillow. “Buy yourself something. See you next week.”

S
obbing softly and curled in a fetal position, Johnnie thought about what happened to her. The pain subsided, but she could feel the warm blood between her legs and on the bed. Johnnie lost something vital to her sense of being, something essential to her sense of self-worth, something she could never have again. Then she realized that Earl Shamus would be back and he expected her to do it again. The thought of him touching her made her skin crawl. Suddenly, she could smell the wine on his breath and hear his animal-like groans of ecstasy again. She felt her stomach heave, but there was nothing to throw up.

Johnnie could hear Earl Shamus and her mother talking in the living room, but she couldn't understand what they were saying. Moments later, Marguerite walked into the bedroom. Johnnie wore a vacant look on her face. Marguerite could see that her daughter's mind was in another place. Marguerite understood how Johnnie felt because she had been through it too.
I got over it and so will she.
“You a woman now, girl,” Marguerite said, attempting to comfort her.

Johnnie didn't say anything. She was extremely quiet, still unable to believe what had happened to her.

“And ain't no need in frettin' about yo' virginity. I did you a favor. You was gon' lose it someday anyway. Probably to some good for nothin' nigga who ain't got nothin', ain't never had nothin', and ain't gon' never get nothin'. All men are the same, girl. They all want what you got between yo' legs. And they'll do anything to get it. That's for sure. You might as well get somethin' for it. Ain't no need in blamin' 'em for the way they is. That's how they made. That's somethin' all women eventually realize. Trouble is we always think if we love 'em enough, this one'll be different, but they ain't. They all the same. Even yo' brother, Benny, is the same. Now, you got a choice, girl. You can either give it away for free and hope his love will be enough, or you can take advantage of his weakness. It's up to you.”

“Mr. Shamus say I gotta do this again, Mama. Is that right?”

“For a little while, just until we get on our feet. But the next time it won't be as bad. Now get up and take a hot bath and you'll feel a lot better.”

“I don't think I'll ever feel better, Mama.”

“You will in time, child. You will in time.”

T
he following Sunday, Johnnie walked through the doors of Mount Zion Holiness Church. Service had already begun and she was late. She skipped choir rehearsal the previous day and contemplated skipping Sunday morning service altogether, but felt the need to go. In order to sing on Sunday morning, she had to go to rehearsal on Saturday. Johnnie never missed a rehearsal prior to losing her virginity. Singing on Sunday morning was something she looked forward to. Worship service offered her the opportunity to hone her singing skills as well as sing the Lord's praises. Now the thought of singing spiritual songs made her feel like a hypocrite; especially since she knew that the man who had deflowered her would return so she could pleasure him again.

Worship service was in full swing when Johnnie walked into the sanctuary. The church was packed with members, singing and praising the Lord. The whole building seemed to sway with the gospel rhythm. “Hallelujah!” Johnnie heard Reverend Staples shout. Shortly after that, she heard, “Holy, Holy, Holy, is our God,” followed by, “Rose of Sharon, bright and morning star, King of kings, Lord of lords, we give you the highest praise.” The woman next to her lifted her hands and shouted “Hallelujah!” Then from the back of the church, someone shouted another hallelujah, and another and another until it seemed as if the entire church was caught up in the spirit of the service. Conviction consumed Johnnie when she heard such high praise. She never considered herself a sinner even though she believed all human beings were born sinners. Johnnie knew she wasn't perfect, but she believed she was closer to it than anyone at Mount Zion—Reverend Staples being the only exception, and she wasn't sure about him.

The fact that her mother had sold her virginity so callously removed the veil of innocence and stripped her of any semblance of perfection, reducing her to the status of an ordinary sinner. Ever since Johnnie was a little girl, she had been taught that sin separates people from God. Now that she had consented to sexual sin, she was separated from God, and therefore, no longer a Christian.

After the announcements were read, Reverend Staples stood up and said, “Let the redeemed of the Lord say Amen!”

“Amen,” the members said and took their seats.

“Turn with me in your Bibles to Jeremiah 17:9,” Reverend Staples continued. “When you find it, say Amen.”

“Amen,” the members said in unison a few moments later.

Reverend Staples read, “The heart is deceitful above all and desperately wicked.” Johnnie thought he was talking to her as he spoke, like he was standing right next to her, speaking directly in her ear. “Some of us are so self-righteous that it's going to take a lifetime to discover the truth of this verse so that we might be truly saved,” Reverend Staples went on. “If you're lookin' around at your neighbor . . . If you're thinkin' of your husband or your wife . . . If you're thinkin' of anyone other than yourself . . . this message is for you.”

Johnnie found his words to be both penetrating and prophetic. Something within her told her to run to the altar, but she resisted. Her mother needed her to “be nice” to Earl Shamus. Yet, somehow she knew that her refusal to go to the altar would alter the course of her life for years to come—perhaps forever.
If I'm going to continue having sex with Mr. Shamus, what's the point in confessing my sins? I'll confess when I know I won't have to do it with him anymore.

E
arl Shamus, now forty, average height and build, graduated from high school, but never attended college. He didn't have any money saved, and not even a penny in his pockets yet he always believed that one day his ship would come in. It did, in the form of a woman named Meredith Buchanan, daughter of West Buchanan, the insurance tycoon. Earl was the concierge of the chic Bel Glades Hotel when he met Meredith, who was attending a wedding reception there.

Meredith was twenty-two when she met Earl, who was twenty-four. She was sheltered all of her young life, had never even been on a date. No one ever asked her out except the shy boy who lived next door. He asked her if he could take her to the prom and she turned him down immediately as there was nothing about him that appealed to her. To Meredith, it was better that her father, whom she was very close to, take her rather than settle for the bookworm next door.

Meredith was very bright and found college to be a bit boring. She loved to read and learn new things, but no one asked her out. She hoped college would offer more opportunities to meet interesting men who would appreciate her chaste attitude and change her into the swan she knew she could be—with the right man, of course. While other college girls were going on dates and to football games, Meredith went to the library and read the classics with her free time, which she had plenty of. She dreamed about the knight in shining armor who would one day come along and sweep her off her feet.

When Earl opened the glass door of the Bel Glades for Meredith, she believed her knight had finally come to rescue the lonely damsel who wanted nothing more than to be seen as a desirable woman. Earl looked dashing in the gray doorman's suit with its shiny brass buttons and burgundy braids, which were attached to the shoulder strap of his uniform. He almost looked like a West Point graduate. Meredith offered him an inviting smile. She felt a little electricity between them when he smiled at her.

Earl, however, wasn't the least bit attracted to Meredith, even though he sensed she was attracted to him and was quite possibly an easy lay. He didn't think she was anything special until one of the desk clerks told him her father was West Buchanan. The clerk went on to explain that West was a former salesman who defied the odds and built Buchanan Mutual Insurance Company. When the clerk said that Meredith was the sole heir to his fortune, suddenly Meredith became very attractive—at least her money was.

Meredith was sitting in the reception hall bored to tears. She couldn't help thinking of the charming doorman with the kind face. She wondered if he was still in the lobby at the door. She left the reception and entered the lobby to see if he was there. She saw him standing near the door with his dark gray doorman's uniform on. She walked near the door to get his attention.

“Leaving the party so soon?” Earl asked when he turned around.

“Yes, it's quite boring in there,” she told him. “I'm Meredith Buchanan. Pleased to meet you.”

“Earl Shamus. Pleased to meet you also.”

The two of them talked for hours in the lobby. She gave him her telephone number and told him she'd love to talk again some time. Earl wanted to talk again too, but not for the reasons she wanted to. He saw dollar signs when he looked into her plain Jane face. There was nothing physically attractive about Meredith, but she did have a wholesomeness about her that made her the sort of woman men brought home to their mothers.

Earl began formulating his plan to seduce and marry Meredith. He believed that if she were pregnant with his child, her father would be forced to take him and the baby into the fold. What he didn't know was that West didn't have anything against him and his lowly stature in life as a doorman. West didn't like rich people. He thought they were self-righteous and they tended to look down on the people who made it possible for them to have the wealth they enjoyed. He hoped Meredith wouldn't fall in love and marry one of the sons of those affluent bigots.

West wanted Meredith to marry a working stiff, someone more like himself. He wanted her to be with someone who knew what it was like to be poor and not have ends meet. His plan was to have one of her sons take over the family business. When he found out about Earl, he had him investigated. The investigation showed him to be a modern day nomad. Earl couldn't seem to keep a steady job and he had a problem with authority.

This was definitely not the man for Meredith, West thought. She could certainly do better than him. Unfortunately, it was too late. Meredith was pregnant and she had her heart set on marrying Earl. West strictly forbade her to marry Earl, promising he would take care of her and her child and they wouldn't want for anything. West even offered Earl ten thousand dollars to leave Meredith.

But Earl wanted it all, so he gambled on West's love for his daughter. He assumed West would take care of them because Meredith was his flesh and blood. West knew this and promptly disinherited Meredith. Earl and Meredith hoped West would change his mind when the baby came, and he would have if the baby had been a boy. But it was a girl. They named her Janet, now sixteen.

The couple kept trying, but ended up with two more girls, Stacy, fourteen, and Marjorie, thirteen. They weren't able to have a boy until twelve years later, West Buchanan Shamus. Only then did West end the cold war between the couple.

West was quite fond of his grandson. He called him Little Buck, short for Buchanan. He treated Little Buck like he was his own son. He couldn't stand having him live just a notch above the indigent, so he bought Meredith and Earl a sixteen-room home in an exclusive area of New Orleans called Rivera Heights. The home had six bedrooms, four bathrooms, living room, formal dining room, island kitchen, den, library, laundry room, full finished basement, and a three-car attached garage. West even gave them both brand new Cadillacs.

After Little Buck's birth, West hired Earl at Buchanan Mutual. He told Earl he was grooming him to take over the company, but in reality, West only wanted Earl to run things long enough for Little Buck to take over. After all, Little Buck was blood; Earl wasn't. He was just an opportunist who took advantage of a young woman who didn't know any better. Most importantly, West knew Little Buck needed a role model in the home to look up to.

Therefore, grooming Earl to run the company was not just a shrewd move. It was essential for Little Buck to see his father running a business and to hear business conversations at the dinner table. West wanted Little Buck to be thoroughly ingrained in business during his formative years so that it would become a part of his being.

Little did West know that his granddaughters would learn to detest him for the way he made them live when they were their brother's age. They also resented Little Buck because of all the attention West lavished on him. Whenever West visited, and he visited often, he would spend virtually all of his time with Little Buck, telling him how handsome and how smart he was.

Janet, Stacy, and Marjorie felt like the family mascots. Meredith didn't help matters as far as the girls were concerned. She was so passive that the girls didn't bother to tell her how they felt. Instead, they talked among themselves and their jealousy began to fester. They often found themselves wishing something terrible would happen to their baby brother.