Lights and Shadows (Oregon In Love) (11 page)

After considerable scrutiny, Marc shrugged. “This one is a plain
old river rock.”

“And to think I was becoming impressed!”

“Hey, I’m a photographer, not a geologist.”

She shook the water off her hands, inadvertently raining droplets
onto Marc’s face. “Woops! Sorry about that!”

“I suppose you expect me to believe that was an accident.”

Julia nodded, keeping her expression guileless. He dropped his
handful of rocks. They splashed into the water. She got doused.

“Let me guess,” she laughed. “That was an innocent mistake!”

“Of course,” he said with a lazy smile. Marc reached out and
gently cupped her face with his hand, using his thumb to brush away
the moisture on her cheek.

Aware of the sudden heat in his eyes, Julia held her breath. She
couldn't remember a single reason why she should fight this feeling.

But after a moment, a look of resignation shadowed his features. He
lowered his eyes and dropped his hand. Standing, he reached out and
helped her up. “We should start heading back before it gets too
late.”

Julia watched him pack up his equipment. She chose to not try and
make sense of the conflicting emotions tumbling about within her.
Instead, with a dull, nameless pain in her heart, she followed him
along the trail.

***

It was nearly ten o’clock by the time they returned to the bed and
breakfast. Julia’s muscles felt stiff after the long drive back.
The inky darkness hid Marc’s expression as he helped her out of the
cab of the pickup. She didn’t know what to think of him. The
remainder of the afternoon had not been exactly tense, but there was
an undercurrent of discomfort between them, and she was at a loss how
to deal with it. Part of her was relieved nothing happened they might
later regret. Another part was disappointed the easy camaraderie
they’d shared had all but disappeared.

Together they unloaded all her belongings inside the cottage. Marc
put his hands in his pockets and seemed unsure of what to say.

She studied his closed expression. “Thanks for letting me tag along
this weekend. I really enjoyed it, and I hope I wasn’t too much of
a bother.”

He smiled. “I’m glad you had a good time.” He glanced at the
door. “Well, get some rest. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye,” Julia said as he left. When she heard him drive away, she
felt sad, but didn’t really know why.

Resisting the temptation to examine her feelings, she unpacked her
clothes and put them away. Her muscles complained with every move she
made. Julia decided that if no guests had stopped in for the night,
she would have a long soak in the Jacuzzi tub upstairs at the main
house.

Removing the last items from her new backpack, she found a piece of
crumpled paper. She smoothed it out on her knee and read the words.

You’re crazy
.

A thought formed in her mind.
Only about you, Marc Dorin
.

***

Marc nudged the paper around in the tray of developer. Slowly, in the
red haze of the bulb above, an image began to appear. At the precise
moment when the contrast reached its peak, he pulled the print from
the bath with tongs. Next, he slid it into a tray of fixer, on top of
several other prints from one of the rolls he’d exposed at the
Deschutes River.

Marc tried to scrutinize the prints for details of depth and
composition while hanging them to dry on a line above his head, but
he couldn’t seem to keep his mind on the technical aspects of his
task. Images, not of nature, but of Julia remained fixed in his
thoughts.

His mind replayed each moment he spent with her over the weekend. How
she'd jumped into helping the community center as if she'd planned it
all along. The way she’d relaxed with his friends, expertly drawing
them out and adding sparkle to the conversation. And her unexpected
silliness at the hotel when she acted like he was a famous celebrity.

Just when he thought he began to understand her, she did something
that confused and intrigued him all over again.

He’d never encountered a person who was such a dichotomy of
strength and vulnerability—like a diamond with an inclusion—a
fracture. When she’d been asleep by the river, her relaxed face
revealed things she’d probably rather keep secret, such as physical
frailty and deep exhaustion. When awake, he often thought the bright
face she presented to the world was a bit forced. He wanted to ask
her what she struggled with, but instinctively knew she’d deny any
such thing.

Julia seemed to want to be the helper, the supporter to those around
her. He wondered who would be there for
her
. She seemed so
alone somehow. He could admit he wanted to be that person she turned
to, but would she? Marc feared he knew the answer to that question.
He reacted by closing the door on his burgeoning feelings for her.
We’re too much alike. We’re complete opposites
. He sighed.
We don’t have a chance.

Marc put the chemicals away and cleaned up the workspace of his
rented darkroom. When he turned on the light, everything that had
been bathed in a calm softness became etched in sharp, jarring
relief. He winced a little at the brightness.

Such is the nature of reality
.

Chapter Ten

Julia began entering preliminary data for the college consultation
job into the laptop. It had been over a week since her trip with
Marc. She missed him—more than she wanted to admit. But she’d
spent the time compiling information for her assignment, eager to get
her mind onto other things.

The senior consultant at her firm in San Diego worked on solidifying
the details of the job, but Julia didn’t want to wait until the
last minute to get started. Her superiors were taking something of a
chance in letting her tackle the assignment without a team to help
her.

From the information she’d been learning about the college and its
satellite schools, she felt confident she could handle the job.
Especially when she learned she’d be working alongside Spencer
Meyers. She sensed he was the kind of person she meshed well with.

Julia determined with renewed fervor to make Brian understand that
she could still work without jeopardizing her health. She wasn’t a
hothouse flower that needed to be fussed over. After being
self-sufficient for thirteen years, she’d proven she could hold her
own.

Once Julia felt satisfied with her data input, she went over to the
main house to help with Sara’s baby shower set for that afternoon.
Sara’s aunt, Hattie Hastings, a tall dark-haired woman with bright
blue eyes, had done most of the arrangements, but there were still
many last minute details to attend to.

When Julia walked in the back door, she was shocked to discover Sara
in her private sitting room with tear-stained cheeks, blowing her
nose into a tissue. Hattie sat next to her, patting her hand.

Julia rushed to her side. “What is it? Is something wrong with the
baby?”

“No, I think it’s more like pre-motherhood jitters,” explained
Hattie. She turned back to Sara and put a comforting arm around her
shoulders, continuing to speak to her in calming tones.

Sara spoke with anguish between hiccups, sniffles, and a wad of
tissue, but her words were impossible to decipher. Julia perched on
the edge of the couch while her mind floundered for a way to help.
Leaning forward, she stretched out a hand to Sara’s knee. “You
only have two weeks to go. It’ll be over soon.”

Reason had no effect on Sara. “I’ll be a terrible mother,” she
sobbed. “I’ve been so forgetful lately, I’ll probably leave the
baby somewhere and forget all about it!” She cried afresh into a
new mass of tissues.

“But, don’t you remember—?” Julia faltered at her unfortunate
choice of words and began again. “In the baby book, it talked about
forgetfulness being a common symptom of pregnancy.”

Sara nodded distractedly, oblivious to anything but her misery. A few
minutes later, Brian walked in the door. He took in the scene, and
went to his wife’s side and put his arms around her. Julia and
Hattie stepped out into the kitchen to give them privacy. Hattie went
off to prepare for the shower, but Julia hesitated, unable to resist
a quick peek back into the sitting room.

What she saw transfixed her. Brian held Sara and stroked her hair,
talking to her in soft, tender tones while she snuffled against his
chest. Stepping away from the doorway, Julia leaned against the
kitchen wall. A sudden wave of longing washed over her. In that
moment, she envied Sara from the bottom of her heart. To be so loved
and cherished seemed a thing that would never happen in her life.

On trembling legs, Julia joined Hattie in hanging streamers in the
living room, masking her turmoil with the habit of long practice.
Whenever she felt the hot prick of tears behind her eyelids, she
ruthlessly blinked them away.
This is Sara’s day. Don’t blow
it
.

Gradually, the litany began to take effect, and Julia felt she’d
passably reigned in her emotions. She went over a mental checklist
for the task at hand until satisfied all was in readiness.

Half an hour later, Sara emerged from her room. Her eyes were still
shiny but she was smiling. Apparently her husband’s ministrations
had been effective.

“Sorry about that,” she said with chagrin. “Aren’t runaway
hormones wonderful?”

Hattie gave Sara a quick embrace. Julia couldn’t look her
sister-in-law in the eye, afraid Sara might see the raw jealousy
there. After shooting a vague smile in her general direction, Julia
hurried back to the cottage, using the opportunity to retrieve her
shower gift.

When she returned, she helped Hattie set out trays of finger foods
they had prepared earlier in the day. Sara sat in the decorated chair
just as the guests began to arrive. Soon the shower was in full
swing. Julia swallowed back her burgeoning emotions, thankful for the
busyness that kept her disturbing thoughts at bay.

After an hour of visiting and snacking, Sara began to open her gifts.
Julia remained silent amid the gushing
oohs
and
ahhs
and
that’s so cute!
exclamations. When tiny little outfits,
pastel blankets, and stuffed animals were passed her way, she didn’t
allow her fingers to linger on their soft textures.

Sara appeared radiant. All traces of her tears had vanished, and her
smiles were genuine for the pictures Hattie took. Julia couldn’t
imagine where Sara got the idea that she wouldn’t be a good mother.
Would a child ever be more blessed?

When all the gifts had been opened, passed around, and recorded, the
women gathered around Sara and placed their hands on her shoulders.
One by one, they offered up prayers of blessing and thanksgiving.

Julia couldn’t take another minute. She slipped into Sara’s
sitting room, closed the door, and sank onto the sofa. Her heart
pounded in her chest, her lungs struggled for air. She pressed her
hand against her mouth to stifle a sob, desperate to get a handle on
emotions threatening to burst past the dam of her will.

What’s wrong with me?

She’d been to dozens of baby showers and had never
reacted so violently. She should be out in the other room praying for
her sister-in-law instead of hiding out and trying desperately not to
cry.
Forgive me, Lord, for being so selfish on Sara’s special
day.

Julia squeezed her eyes shut as the worst of the storm
passed. She stumbled into the bathroom to check her appearance. A
thin line of bright red blood trickled from a cut in her lip. She
grabbed a tissue and dabbed at it, impotent fury making her hands
shake. When she felt reasonably sure she could function without
blubbering, she took a deep breath and returned to the party.

The murmur of
amens
ended just as she situated
herself behind the dining room table to prepare for the cutting of
the cake. With a wobbly smile for the guests, Julia prayed no one had
noticed her abrupt exit.

Chapter Eleven

When Julia awoke the next morning, her eyes were gritty and swollen
from the deluge of fresh tears that came later in the privacy of the
cottage. Shame at her behavior assaulted her sore heart. She sat up
quickly, anxious to get on with her day, and was punished with an
almighty pounding in her head.

Julia eased out of bed, slow but determined. She refused to lie
around and dwell on whatever upset her the day before. The whole
sorry episode was no doubt due to some biological alarm clock going
off, added to the stress of being away from her normal environment.
She needed to get up and out today and avoid useless introspection.
Worrying about things she couldn’t change would only be a drain on
her already low energy and cause her to lose her edge.

After her mental pep talk, Julia rummaged in the nightstand drawer,
ignoring the amber medication bottles from her doctor. She grabbed
her bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol instead. After swallowing a
couple of the pills, she decided her flagging spirits needed a boost.

Julia went to her closet and searched through her entire wardrobe,
choosing and discarding garments until satisfied with an ensemble.
She put on a silk camp shirt echoing a 1940s style, patterned with
teal and beige flowers. She tucked it into a pair of deeply pleated,
wide-cuffed trousers. A wide leather belt, feminine leather wingtip
shoes, and a chunky bracelet completed her retro outfit.

With hot rollers, she added fat bouncy curls to her hair and arranged
it into a pageboy style. After applying a bit of makeup, she slung a
cardigan over her shoulders and perched a pair of horn-rimmed
tortoiseshell sunglasses on her head.

In the house, she found Sara standing next to the open refrigerator
door, drinking milk out of a half-gallon carton.

Sara looked over at Julia’s entrance and sighed happily before
wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “I needed that.”