Light Switch (33 page)

My heart fluttered as his lips moved so gently, so tenderly against my own. Between my fingers, his hair was still cool and damp with sweat, a reminder of everything we’d just done. Everything that was
supposed
to be just physical. Just sex. As he kissed me the way only a lover would, I couldn’t quite convince myself it was just sex anymore. If anything, it was just
us
. When we were in bed together, nothing existed beyond this room. Nothing except the one other man who could make me feel this way.

Matt’s lips left mine and our eyes met. In the low light, I could barely see his face or my fingers trailing down his cheek, but I could see enough to know there was no other place I wanted to look right then.

Oh God. I
am
falling in love with him
.

I loved Scott.

I loved Matt.

Fucking hell. This is going to get complicated
.

We fell asleep that night without exchanging more than a few words. The next morning, our respective jobs took us in separate directions, and all day long, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling in my gut that we needed to talk. Like,
now
.

I desperately needed to talk to him, but I couldn’t reach him. For days, my calls went unreturned and my e-mails unanswered. Each day that passed without contact unnerved me a little more.

The longer the silence went on, the more nervous I became. Was he avoiding me for the same reason I sought him out? We’d made love, of that I had no doubt, and I wondered if he regretted it. If he thought we’d gone too far down a road we’d never intended to travel. And maybe we had, but that night couldn’t have been a mistake. It was too hot, too perfect. But was it too intimate?

On Saturday night, he finally e-mailed me, but only to say he wouldn’t make our Sunday run. On Wednesday, he didn’t show up to play poker. Throughout the week, his car came and went and the lights in his apartment darkened and glowed, but our paths didn’t cross. Even when I was with Scott, or with Scott and Byron, I couldn’t get Matt off my mind or my conscience.

It was Friday before we finally ran into each other on the sidewalk. I’d planned to go run some errands that evening, and carefully timed my exit to coincide with his return from work. Just as I’d hoped, right about the time I came downstairs, his car turned into the communal parking lot behind our buildings.

When he got out of the car, I was a few feet away. There was no surprise in his expression when he looked at me, so he must have seen me in one of his mirrors.

He closed the car door and locked it. Then he faced me, but he didn’t look me in the eye.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey.”

Days of trying to reach him, and now that I’d found him, I was at a loss for what to say. “I, um, I haven’t seen you around much.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “I’ve been around. Just, you know, had a few things going on.”

“Oh.” I shifted my weight. “Everything okay?”

His eyes flicked up and met mine for a fleeting second. Then he looked away and nodded, clearing his throat. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Which is why you’re looking anywhere but right at me?”

With a somewhat sheepish expression, he met my eyes.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” I cringed. The words had come out as more of an accusation than I’d intended. Gentler now, I said, “Matt, what’s going on?”

His gaze dropped. His shoulders followed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’ve just had some shit to sort out in my head. And I…” He trailed off, cursing under his breath.

“Whatever it is,” I said. “Just tell me, I—”

“I love you.”

My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. “You— what?”

With what must have bee a great deal of effort, he looked me in the eye, “I love you, Kris.”

A mixture of both relief and renewed worry flooded through me. “Matt, I love—”

“Don’t say it unless you mean it,” he snapped, but the unsteadiness of his voice undermined whatever anger he’d tried to inject into it.

I blinked. “What makes you think I don’t?”

He set his jaw and exhaled sharply, but didn’t respond.

“Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?”

His cheeks darkened. Then he nodded slowly.

“Matt…” I took a step toward him, but he stiffened, so I stopped. “You love me, but you’re keeping me at arm’s length?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, he shifted his weight. “I do. And yeah, I guess I am. This is just…” He released another sharp breath. “It’s complicated.”

Oh, you’re not wrong there
.

“Then let’s talk it through,” I said. “I do love you.” He flinched, and my stomach turned with guilt and worry and the sickening pre-emptive grief that comes with knowing something—someone—was slipping through my fingers. “I mean it,” I whispered, trying to keep my voice even. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”

Matt sniffed sharply, then looked at me. “And what about Scott?”

My stomach turned even harder. Before I could speak, though, he went on.

“I thought I could handle what you were doing with him. And in the beginning, I could. It was fine. But, things have changed.”

And oh, how right he was. Things
had
changed. I hadn’t been looking for love, and now I was in love with two men. Two men who I could neither have nor choose between if my life depended on it.

I dropped my gaze. “I know. Things have changed. And I…” I shook my head. “I don’t know what the answer is.”

He chewed his lip. “Neither do I. I’ve been avoiding you for the last few days because I didn’t know how to tell you. Or where to go from here.”

“That makes two of us,” I said softly.

He gave a resigned half-shrug, the gesture making him look not just upset and confused, but exhausted. Passing cars and the noise of the city almost drowned out his voice when at last he spoke.

“All I know is that I can’t ask you to choose between us, Kristen.” His voice cracked and he trailed off, staring at the pavement. “I wouldn’t even think of it, not with…”

“Not with what?”

He took a breath and finally looked at me. In the silvery glow of the streetlights, his eyes were just a little shinier. “Not with the way I’ve seen you look at him.”

My heart fell into my feet. “Matt—”

“I can’t ask you to choose between us, but I can’t pretend I don’t feel this way.” The silence that followed was heavy with something yet unspoken. Matt swallowed hard. “So I’m making the choice.”

With that, he turned to go.

It only took a few taps of his shoes on the pavement for the shock to wear off enough to make way for deep, gut-turning panic. No, no, I couldn’t let him walk away.

“Matt, wait.”

He stopped and looked over his shoulder, but didn’t turn around.

“Please,” I whispered. “I don’t want you to go.”

“Do you want
him
to go?”

I bit my lip. What was I supposed to say to that?

He nodded once, sharply. “That’s what I thought.”

When he walked away this time, I didn’t stop him. I just watched him go, my mind silently screaming for him to come back. I wanted to run after him, but my legs wouldn’t listen. Maybe they knew better than I did that it was futile.

Matt paused at the entrance to his building.

He didn’t look back.

He didn’t look at me.

And with a shimmer of streetlights on a glass door, he was gone.

A week passed. I neither saw nor spoke to Matt. I didn’t call Scott. By the end of the second week, he’d stopped calling me. Guilt and confusion consumed me. Day or night, I could think of nothing else, and at the end of that second week, I was no closer to figuring out what to do than I’d been the moment Matt walked away from me.

If I figured anything out during that time, it was the single biggest downside of getting involved with my two best friends: who the hell was I supposed to turn to for advice when things hit the skids? Had I been seeing Matt, I’d have gone to Scott. If I’d been with Scott, I’d have gone to Matt.

More than once, Alec’s voice reverberated through my mind: “
I’ll go, and you can have all the crazy, freakish sex you want. Mark my words, though. In a few months, after you’ve had a little fun and realize how sick it all is, you’ll regret this
.”

Oh, I didn’t regret kicking him out, but I certainly had my regrets. Not for the sex, as he’d predicted, but the emotional aftermath of the same.

I needed some advice, and I needed it badly. I needed to talk to someone who didn’t need to first get his or her head around the arrangement I’d had with Matt and Scott. Someone who understood what we’d been doing in the first place, never mind how to fix it after it had gone off the rails.

Fortunately, I knew just such a person, and I exhaled with more than a little relief when Byron walked into the café where I waited.

Out in public, he painted a completely different picture than he did at the club or in Scott’s dungeon. He wore a plain white T-shirt tucked into comfortable but form-fitting jeans, and the only leather to be found was his belt.

“Hey, you,” he said, smiling as I stood to greet him. We exchanged a friendly hug and he kissed my cheek. Then we took our seats.

I tapped my thumb on the edge of the table. “Thanks for coming.”

“No problem.”

“Can I take your order?” The waitress appeared out of nowhere and set glasses of ice water in front of both of us.

Byron glanced at me. Then he looked at her. “Just a Coke for me, thanks.”

“I’ll have the same.”

“Two Cokes.” As quickly as she’d appeared, the waitress was gone.

“Anyway,” Byron said. “You were saying?” He picked up his glass, and a gold band on his left hand caught my eye.

I gestured at the ring. “I didn’t know you were married.”

He took a drink, then nodded. “Charlotte and I have been married for almost nine years. I just don’t wear my ring when we play.”

A glimmer of hope flickered to life in my mind. “So, you’re polyamorous, then?”

“No, no, not us.” He smiled. “We’ll play with other subs and Doms, but our relationship? It’s just the two of us. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Lines of concern creased his forehead. “So anyway, what’s up? Something wrong?”

“Well, sort of, it’s—”

“Two Cokes,” the waitress announced.

When she was gone again, Byron sipped his Coke and looked at me. “You were saying?”

I let out a breath. “I don’t even know where to start.”

He steepled his fingers in front of his lips. “Well, would it be safe to assume it has something to do with Scott?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it does.” I took a breath. “Here’s the thing. Scott and I have been friends for years. When he found out I wanted to give kink a try, he offered to take me under his wing and introduce me to it.”

“And you could definitely do worse than having him as a Dom.” He smiled. “I’m sure you know that already.”

“You’re not wrong there.”

His smile fell. “So, what happened?”

“Well, things were fine for a while, but then I got involved with my
other
best friend. And I’ve been involved with both of them for a while now.”

Byron’s eyebrows lifted. “Is she—”

“He.”

“Oh.” A cautious smile played at his lips and he inclined his head. “You were the girl who preferred to go build tree forts with the boys rather than play dolls with the girls, weren’t you?”

“How did you know?”

“Your two best friends are men and you’re asking relationship advice from a man instead of a woman.”

“Point taken. I’ve always been more comfortable with male friends. I don’t know why.” I paused. “That, and you’re the only one I know besides Scott who wouldn’t have to spend an hour just fitting my arrangement with Matt and Scott into your head before we got to the advice part.”

Byron laughed. “Fair enough.” He folded his hands and rested his forearms on the edge of the table. “Anyway, go on. You and your other friend…?”

I played with the coaster under my drink. “We had a casual thing going. Just like I had with Scott.” I chewed my lip. “But, things haven’t stayed very casual.”

“With Scott or the other guy?”

“Both.”

Byron’s eyes widened slightly and he sat back. “I see.”

“Matt told me the other night that he loved me.” I swallowed hard. “Right before he walked away.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Byron shook his head. “He told you he loved you,
then
he walked away?”

I nodded. “Because he didn’t want to make me choose between him and Scott.”

“Oh.” He tapped his fingers on the side of his glass. “Did he think you’d choose Scott over him?”

“I think so.” I sighed.

“Let me ask you this,” he said. “If you had to choose between them, who would you pick?”

I shook my head. “I couldn’t. I don’t think I could if my life depended on it.” Rubbing the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger, I sighed. “I don’t want to hurt either of them, I don’t want to lose either friendship, but…”

“I can see why you’re confused. I don’t envy you.”

“So, what do I do?”

“Talk to them. That’s about all you can do.”

I blew out a breath and ran a hand through my hair. “Fuck, I wish I’d known from the beginning that things would get this complicated.”

Byron sat up, resting his forearms on the table. “So, your other friend left, but what about Scott? What happened with him?”

“Nothing, really. I haven’t talked to him.” Shame twisted in my gut. “I feel like an ass, I just… I haven’t been able to face him.”

“Why?”

“Because I…” I hesitated. “Because my relationship with him is the reason Matt backed away, and…” I sketched a frustrated gesture with one hand before I shook my head and sighed.

Byron was silent for a moment, brow furrowed as he stared with unfocused eyes at the center of the table. At long last, his gaze rose to meet mine. “This whole thing with them,” he said. “Getting involved with your friend, having Scott train you as a sub, everything.” He inclined his head. “Do you regret it?”

I chewed my lip. Did I?

“Kristen?”

“Yes.” I stared into my drink. “Yes, I do.”

“Do you really?”

Sighing I let my head fall forward so I could rub the back of my neck. “It wasn’t worth it. It was fun, it was hot, it got me out of the rut I was in with my ex-boyfriend, but if it’s even damaged my friendships with them?” I looked up, shaking my head. “Then it just wasn’t worth it.”

Byron’s eyebrows knitted together. “I’m sorry it turned out this way for you.”

“So am I,” I said. “It might have been okay if I’d only gotten emotionally involved with one of them, but that’s a moot point. And now? I can’t even begin to choose between them.”

“Then maybe that’s your choice.”

“What? To have both of them?”

He nodded.

“Matt would never go for that. I don’t even think I could handle it.”

“But you can’t change how you feel. And if the only honest choice for you is both of them, then,” he paused, shrugging, “then that’s your choice. That’s what you should tell them.”

“And I could lose both of them.”

“That’s out of your hands.” He leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. “But it’s what you feel. It’s the truth. And it would be better to lose them both to honesty than win one of them through a lie.”

“Good point.”

“It’s not going to be easy, but I can’t imagine any solution to this that would be.” He offered an apologetic shrug. “The only simple answer is that there
is
no simple answer to something like this.”

“Damn it, Byron,” I said, laughing in spite of myself. “You were supposed to have the magic, easy answer.”

He chuckled. “Why do you think I stay relatively monogamous? Far too complicated for my taste.” A grin crinkled the corners of his eyes. “Trust me, my hands are full enough with Charlotte.”

“I can imagine.” I managed another half-hearted laugh, then sat back, exhaling hard. “I just don’t know how this will pan out. I don’t want to hurt them, but I’m not sure if there’s any way to solve this without
someone
getting hurt.”

“There may not be a way to keep from hurting everyone involved.” He steepled his fingers again. “My suggestion is to be completely straightforward with both of them. If you’ve been able to maintain this situation all this time, I’m assuming you can communicate with them pretty easily. Your best bet is to sit both of them down, lay it all out on the table, and go from there.”

“I’m just afraid that’ll blow up in my face.”

“It already has, Kristen. Honesty and open communication are the only things that are going to fix it now.”

I chewed my lip. “I don’t know if those even stand a chance.”

“Well, if anything can...”

“True.”

He reached across the table and rested a hand on my arm. His voice low and gentle, he said, “I know you can get through this, Kristen. It’s not going to be easy, and the end result might hurt, but you’re a strong woman.” He grinned. “If you can put Victor in his place, you can set things right with these two.”

I smiled in spite of the knot in the pit of my stomach. I hoped he was right.