Life on the Level (17 page)

A little girl with tan skin and a bandage around her head stands on her bed. She holds her arms out and waits for Vilma to come over and hug her.

“Who are you?” a little blond boy with big brown eyes asks me.

I don’t know why this question, of all things, throws me a little bit. Maybe because I was just wondering this myself. “I’m River Thomas. I’m new here.”

He nods, making a funny face, like he accepts this as an answer and will allow me to be here. “I’m Jimmy. What happened to your neck, River Thomas?”

“I fell off my horse.”

Jimmy’s eyes widen. “Did it hurt?”

“A lot. But I’m okay now. This is just in case.”

“In case what?”

I look to Hutch for help. Hutch only laughs and picks the boy up. “Let’s take it easy on the new kids, okay, Jimmy?”

“Okay,” Jimmy says, shoving his thumb into his mouth.

The kids range from four to eight years old. The nurse comes to check in on us once, her eyes lingering on Hutch when she says, “If you need
anything
, please let me know.” She gives the rest of us a pitying look. I’m sure all she sees is a bunch of addicts. I recognize the disapproval in the cock of her eyebrow, and the tightness of her lips. Still, she leaves the room and tells us she’ll be back at the end of the hour.

“Let’s gather ‘round,” Hutch tells everyone. Because two kids are bedridden, we sit closer to them. Hutch points to Jermania and me. “We have two new friends with us today. Can you guys say hi?”

The kids all wave.

“Can you tell them your names and something about yourselves?”

Jimmy raises his hands. “I’m Jimmy and I like guitars and horses and my heart beats like a drum.”

A little girl shakes her head. She doesn’t want to talk.

“Its okay Daisy,” Hutch whispers to her.

She wears a crocheted cap to cover up her bald head. The girl that’s attached to Vilma is named Hannah and she likes super heroes and cupcakes. Their happiness is a marvel to me. I haven’t been around kids in a long time. They’re precocious and lively. They’re curious in the most innocent of ways.

“Michael isn’t here,” Jimmy says. “Michael got a fever and they took him to the bad place.”

“What’s the bad place?” Hannah asks.

Jimmy shakes his head. “It’s where the doctors and nurses take you when you can’t wake up.”

Vilma and Hutch exchange a sad look. Something in my chest feels too tight. After a period of silence, Hutch goes to the corner of the room and holds up a book in one hand and a guitar in the other.

“What do you guys want to do today? We could read—”

“Sing a song, Hutch!”

“Yeah, sing us a song!”

Hutch sets down the book. “Okay, you guys asked for it.”

“I didn’t know you played guitar,” I say. I realize there’s no real reason that I
should
know something like that. Still, Hutch just shrugs.

“Not very well,” he says. “I apologize in advance.”

Hutch takes a seat on a wooden stool facing the rest of us. The morning light that filters through the white curtains is like a spotlight just for him.

“I want to hear Metallica!” Jimmy says. “My daddy says Metallica is the best in the
world
.”

Everyone laughs. “You got to pick last week. It’s Hannah’s turn.”

She hides her face in Vilma’s shoulder.

“Do you want to whisper it to me and I’ll say it?” Vilma asks.

Hannah nods. She cups her hands around Vilma’s ear and tells her the song, like a secret.

“I love that song,” Vilma says. This seems to make Hannah happy. “Okay, Hutch Swift. Let’s hear Love Song.”

“It’s Love
Story
,” Hannah says in her little voice. When she realizes she’s spoken out loud, she covers her mouth with her hands. Jimmy makes a raspberry with his tongue, but everyone else bounces with excitement. One of the little girls with a patch over her eye pumps her little fist into the air in a “yes” motion.

Hutch chuckles. “I don’t know all the lyrics, so I’m going to need some help, okay?”

All of their little heads nod as Hutch adjusts the tuning and strums.

“River?”

“Hutch?”

“Come on, girl.” He adds a twang to his words.

“I don’t know the words.”

“Everyone knows the words. Plus, this song isn’t in my key.”

“I don’t sing,” I say, trying to maintain a pleasant smile while widening my eyes at him. That’s a lie—I do like to sing. Before I dropped out of high school I was in the school choir. It was the only club I regularly went to even if I was cutting class.

“Come on,” he says again.

“Yeah, River,” Vilma says. “We all hear you when you’re walking around by yourself.”

“Come on, River Thomas,” Jimmy says.

He shakes his head in my direction, and I realize I have no choice. I take a deep breath and walk over to Hutch. My face feels like it’s on fire, and my cheeks hurt from smiling.

Hutch starts playing the intro, lowering the key for my voice. Of course I know the lyrics. Working at bars, I know all the lyrics to every hit song and one-hit wonder to hit the airwaves. It’s my guilty pleasure. I turn my body toward Hutch. He hums along with me, strumming.

When I get to the lyric, “‘Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter” I can’t help but catch his eyes. I wave my fingers at the kids, inviting them to sing along. Hutch’s deep voice adds a nice bass to the whole thing. I can feel my heart doing summersaults as he brings his guitar closer to me and sings, “Baby, just say yes.”

I step forward and grab a little girl singing at the top of her lungs. She raises her hands, twirling her wrists like she can wrap the notes around her. Together, we all end off-key, but it still sounds amazing.

I do a slight Texas dip, then clap in Hutch’s direction. One by one, the kids pick different songs. Mostly pop songs, and one request for Clementine. The whole time Vilma comes out of her shell more and more. Even Jermania sings along, with a voice that would put Christina Aguilera out of business.

When the nurse comes back in, the kids all make disappointed noises. We kiss their foreheads and bask in their hugs. I feel my heart fill up in a way I never thought was possible. I’ve never done something like this before, and it feels good to bring happiness to others in a selfless way.

As we make our way out of the hospital, Jermania and Vilma’s hums echo down the hospital hall. I turn around to find Hutch. The nurse has barricaded his way. She hands him a folded up piece of paper and pets his bicep. Hutch pockets the paper. I whip around, and act like I didn’t see anything, but Vilma and Jermania have already seen. They hoot and holler as he follows us out the front door.

“My boy got himself a number,” Vilma says.

I don’t know where I’m walking, so I just pick the direction of the parking lot.

“River,” Vilma shouts. “Come back! We’re getting lunch.”

I’ve never been the jealous type. Even when I knew the guys I dated were less than faithful. Even when I was less than faithful myself. That’s why I’ve always made it a point to have no-strings-attached lovers and hookups.

I put on a happy face, and follow my fellow patients into a cafe called The Liquid Planet. Vilma and Jermania grab seats at the front and give us their order.

Hutch stands directly behind me. I can feel the heat radiating from him. Or am I doing the radiating? Either way, it’s hot in here.

“Hi,” I say, speaking faster than usual. “Can we get three hot cocoas, a lemonade, two tuna salad sandwiches, one ham and cheese, and a BLT? Please.”

I step to the side and let Hutch pay.

“River,” he says, playfully.

“
Hutch
.” I say his name the way I would normally say “leprosy.”

“I love the way you sing.”

I flick my eyes in his direction.
Don’t smile. Don’t smile. Stop it. Stop smiling this instant.
We head back to our seats to wait for our food. When we reach the table, Vilma is crying.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask.

Vilma shakes her head. “It’s nothing. Happens every week.”

Jermania presses her lips together in concern. “Then why do you do it to yourself?”

“Because I have to remember what it’s like to be a mother. You girls are too young. You don’t understand what it’s like yet.”

“I never will,” Jermania says. “I had cervical cancer when I was nineteen. I can’t have kids.”

Vilma reaches out her hand and pets Jermania’s arm. “Poor girl.”

Jermania shrugs. “I didn’t deal with it well before. I didn’t know how badly I wanted it until it was definite that I never could. What about you, River? Do you see kids in your future?”

I shake my head. “God no. This cycle of jerks stops with me.”

I regret saying it when I see Vilma’s face.

“I’m sorry, Vilma. I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just not the nurturing type. I never had a normal childhood. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

The waitress brings over our food and drinks. Even though I didn’t eat much yesterday, I’m still not hungry. I force myself to take a few bites of my BLT.

“I don’t think you should worry so much,” I tell Vilma. “You love your kids, and you’re getting help to be with them again. There are people who wouldn’t even bother. My mom would never in a million years choose me over partying. It’s not because she forgot how to be a parent; it’s because she never wanted to be one. That’s what makes you different.”

Vilma stares at me with wide eyes. They glisten with tears. “Thank you, River.”

“What about you?” Jermania asks Hutch. “You going to call that cute little nurse? Baby-making takes practice, but you look like you’ll be a pro.”

“Hutch claims to be single.” Vilma cackles, suddenly in a way better mood now that the conversation’s picked up and become about Hutch and his love life.

“I mean,” Jermania says mid-bite, “You’re too much of a jock for my taste, but you’re hot as hell. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

Hutch’s eyes flick in my direction, and I look at the steam rising from my hot chocolate. “Would it make this conversation end if I said yes?” he asks.

“Uhm, no,” Vilma says. “I want to know what’s wrong with you. You’re handsome. You have a good job. You sing Taylor fucking Swift songs. You’re like this dream guy that people only write about in romance novels. I’m just trying to understand why you’re single.”

“Oh man,” Jermania says. “Are you one of those guys married to his job? Because we’re really not worth it. Give me the nurse’s number. I’ll set up a date for you two.”

Jermania reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out the slip of paper. Hutch tries to grab it back, but Jermania holds it close to her chest.

“Relax, Hutch,” I say. “We don’t have cellphones to call her.”

“Just tell us the truth.”

“First of all,” Hutch says. “You are all worth it. And I do manage to have a life outside of HCRC. I’ve gone on six dates in the past year.”

“Please tell me that means you’ve had sex at least six times this year,” Vilma says. “If only because otherwise all of this—” she waves her hand at Hutch’s frame— “is a total waste.”

Hutch bites his tongue, and smiles from ear to ear. “Do you really want to know how many times I’ve had sex this year? And if I hear a word about this back home, I will switch your volunteer sessions to shoveling manure with Simmons.”

Vilma and Jermania mime locking their mouths and throwing away the keys. I just sit back and pretend like my insides aren’t exploding. I mean, I know how many times
I’ve
had sex this year. But I don’t want to know Hutch’s number.

“Once.”

“I don’t believe you.” Vilma takes a huge bite from her sandwich.

“Believe it or not,” Hutch says, making sure he looks at me. “It’s true.”

It feels weird divulging these things to each other in a conversation with other people. It’s something I wouldn’t even ask Hutch because I’d be afraid he’d ask me back. Romeo and the Scarlet Letter is right.

“One time with one person?” Jermania asks skeptically. “Multiple times with one person?”

Hutch’s dark eyes glance at me. “One night with one person. It was a while ago. She wouldn’t even tell me her name. The next morning, she was just gone. Left me high and dry.”

“What a bitch,” Vilma says. “You deserve way better than that.”

“Yeah,” Jermania says. “You deserve at least a second roll in the sheets.”

I laugh. “They’re right. She’s a dick.”

Hutch leans back in his chair and looks into the black coffee that matches the darkness of his eyes. Then he adds, “It’s too bad I don’t know where to find her.”

The girls are quiet. Vilma looks between Hutch and me for a second. Her forehead wrinkles. I watch the realization dawn on her slowly. Then doubt. She could never imagine Hutch breaking the rules like that. Me? Sure, why not. Not Hutch. I watch her trying to convince herself that she’s imagining things, that the girl Hutch is talking about could be anyone.

“You should call the nurse,” I tell Hutch.

Hutch makes a face, but takes the piece of paper back from Jermania. He folds it back into his chest pocket. We finish our food in a friendly silence and drive back to HCRC. I avoid Vilma’s eyes and Hutch’s the whole time, just sit with my arms crossed over my chest.

Maybe I imagined the look on Vilma’s face. Maybe it’s my own guilt surfacing. As we head into the ranch, I head straight for my room. Vilma catches up with me on the steps. She grabs my arm and pulls to turn me toward her.

She’s smirking, like we’re in on a big secret together. “I smell something funky.”

“Maybe you stepped in horse shit on the way in,” I tell her. I smile, poker face on.

“Don’t bullshit me, River. It all makes sense. The way he looks at you, the reason they switched your counselors. You two are bumping uglies! How big is it? I won’t tell anyone, I swear.”

I laugh in her face and place my hands on her shoulders. “You’re crazy. They switched my counselors because Hutch had too much on his plate. Besides, he’s too vanilla for my taste. I’ve already got my eye on a prize.”

Vilma places her hand on her hips. “Yeah? Who?”

I shrug one shoulder innocently. It’s astounding how easily a lie comes to my lips. The most believable lies come from some form of truth. “Why do you think they had to separate Randy and me?”