Life Is Not a Reality Show (19 page)

Now we’ve come to my real secret: false lashes. I put individual lashes on the outer corners of my eyelids on top of my mascara, and it makes such a difference. You have to try it, especially if you’re going out at night—it adds so much drama and pop to your eyes. All eyes will be on your eyes! I just buy the kinds available at the drugstore. Depending on my mood, I’ll put four to five on the ends if I want a cat-eye effect, and then other times I will keep going, working all the way to the top of my eyes, and end up using half a pack.

It’s easy to do it once you start, but people are intimidated and scared to try. I promise you, the individual lashes are much more forgiving than the whole row of them in one piece. Those strips are harder to put on and, even though they can be dramatic, you have to be careful or you’ll end up looking like a drag queen! I’ve done it where one eye ended up seeming smaller than the other, and it looked like I had a stroke! And then because I’m a hypochondriac, I thought maybe I did have a stroke. Ha-ha!

If I want a smoky eye I use liquid liner on the rim, along the inside of the lid, just under your lashes. I like Make Up For Ever’s waterproof version. It’s very black. And I have another liner that is actual kohl, you know, the intense black liner that’s made from some kind of mineral powder that they’ve used in Middle Eastern countries forever? I get mine online and it’s cheap, cheap, cheap. I think they’re four dollars apiece on eBay. The only problem is that they break easily.

For makeup removal I use Andrea EyeQ’s, the little pads in a plastic jar. I use the oily kind unless I’m wearing the individual lashes, because the lashes will actually stay on a few days or so if you’re careful. So if I’ve got lashes on, I use the non-oily pads, which aren’t as strong.

I understand the appeal of fillers. I have used Botox myself. I never wanted my husband to know that, because if I were to tell him I was putting botulism in my face he’d think I’d lost my marbles!

Perhaps I have lost my marbles, but I’m living in a town where nobody has crows’ feet—and I cannot be the only one who has them! I know, I know, would you jump off a cliff if everyone else did? But sorry, I am
not
going to be the only person in Beverly Hills with crows’ feet.

I kept that secret, at least from Mauricio, until the live reunion show after
Real Housewives
, season 1. Andy Cohen from Bravo asked me—
live
on television—“Have you used Botox?”
Uhh. Oh my God. Great. What do I do now?
I couldn’t lie. I just can’t lie. So I had to fess up. “Yes, I have.” Are you happy now? Ha!

Afterward, Mauricio said, “You never told me that.” He’s not a fan of that kind of thing. He’s also not a fan of all the plastic surgery looks we have in this town, and neither am I.

I think old-school plastic surgery is fine, when an older woman gets a face-lift. But—even though every plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills is going to hate me for saying this—people have taken it to extremes, to a whole new level that is just frightening. They’re blowing up their faces so they don’t have cheekbones anymore. I was so excited when I got older and my face began thinning out. My cheekbones began showing! Yay! Then someone told me, “You really need to fill this in here and here.”

“What?” I said, “But I thought it was good that my cheekbones are showing!”

“No,” she said, “it’s a sign of aging.”

Well, if it’s a sign of aging, then sign me up, because I looked like a jack-o’-lantern when I was sixteen! Now everyone wants to look like a jack-o’-lantern! Except me, apparently.

I have friends who are only thirty years old who make a face and say, “Oh I have a line here, I’m going to put Botox in it.” Well, Portia has a line in her forehead when she makes that face! Should she have Botox? Is it really not okay to have laugh lines? We can’t look like we laughed at some point in our lives? Let’s not get out of control here.

And there’s so much plastic surgery! So much
bad
plastic surgery! I know people who’ve had things done to their faces to the point they don’t look like themselves anymore—they end up more like Jim Carrey in
The Mask
! I just think,
What have you done?
It’s horrifying. And it doesn’t make anybody look younger. You look the same age but with work done. And when the work is so obvious, you might as well wear a sign on your head that says, “I’m insecure.”

Kevyn Aucoin, the late, great famous makeup artist that I so admired, wrote in his book that a perfect face is a boring face. You don’t want to look like a Barbie. The women with the most beautiful, interesting faces always have some little quirk, something a tiny bit off.

I look at my niece Paris, for example. She has such a gorgeous face; her bone structure is beautiful. And she has the nose that runs in our family, a little bit long at the tip. It’s similar to mine. If she were to ever get a nose job and end up with a little button, I think it would destroy her face. Or look at Jessica Simpson—that little bump on her nose makes her so pretty!

Kathy, Kim, and I all have our mom’s nose. It always bothered me that it came down a little bit in front, especially when I smiled. So a few years ago, I finally got up the courage and had a nose job. I’d never been under in my life. I still have my tonsils and my wisdom teeth! Really, I’m a wimp. So I was scared of the whole idea of surgery. But after I’d gone through it, I thought,
That was nothing!

But I ended up really regretting it anyway. My doctor who did it is a great doctor, and my nose doesn’t look “done.” He did a good job. It’s just that while I got rid of the beaky part of my nose that came down, I was left with a little bump at the top. A bump I’d never had! So I did away with what I hated, but also ruined what I loved. It wasn’t worth it. Now, my better side is my right, when it used to be my left. Was it worth it? Hmm, not really.

You can’t change one part of your nose, or your face, without changing some other part in the process. Now I know that. It just goes to show you that if it’s not an emergency are you sure you really want to go through all that?

Implants are one thing I never wanted. I mean, sometimes I wish I had perfect boobs. Yes! But implants? No way. Not only because my mom died of breast cancer and it scares me to have something foreign in there, but because I think implants look ridiculous. Unless it is medically necessary, I’m sure your boobs look just fine.

It’s a running joke that everyone in Beverly Hills has had a boob job, but it’s the fillers that I’m afraid are getting to be an epidemic of nightmare proportions. Even girls who have youthful, full faces are doing it. Such a shame. Everyone is plumping out their cheeks and puffing up their lips so much it’s like we have a bunch of chipmunks and blowfish walking around town.

I have to tell you, back when they were using synthetic collagen instead of all the Restylane and Juvéderm and other line-fillers they have now, I went with a friend who wanted some for her lips. They asked her if she had done the test to make sure the collagen wouldn’t cause a bad reaction. She said, “Oh no, I don’t have the time or the patience for that.” So the doctor said she’d use something else instead that didn’t require any testing.

They filled up her lips and when they were done, my friend said, “What’s in the filler?”

“It’s collagen,” the doctor said, “it’s from a cadaver.”

Oh my God! We both almost had a heart attack. How disgusting is that? My friend was flipping out. I kept telling her “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s fine.” But I was thinking “Holy S*&T!” Thank God it wasn’t me.

Even without cadavers, getting injections in my face causes me a lot of anxiety. I would not want to be the doctor shooting me up! I start hyperventilating.
I’m afraid it’s going to my heart!
I can’t feel my eyeball! I can’t breathe!
Can you imagine if they find out one day that we’re all going to die from this? This would be one empty town, let me tell you. It would be two old men walking around alone and maybe a few dogs.

So the moral of this story, as if you couldn’t tell, is: go easy! If you’re going to do something to your face, think minimal. Think moderate. A natural-looking face is a prettier face.

First of all, don’t be rushing to do any of this when you are young! Appreciate your beauty. Later on, if you want to do something, remember, less is more. Please, for all our sakes, don’t overdo the filler! And don’t make the mistake of thinking surgery will make you look younger. It won’t. In the hands of a good surgeon it may make you look better—or not. That’s the risk you run when you go under the knife.

Above all, try to embrace who you are and what you look like and the number of years you’ve racked up. Because really, it’s far preferable to looking in the mirror and finding a stranger staring back!

I don’t always use foundation. In the daytime I often just wear tinted sunblock, either Laura Mercier or Proactiv. They make you look like you have nothing on, yet they give enough coverage to even out your skin tone. Proactiv looks incredibly natural. When I want more coverage, Make Up For Ever has a liquid foundation that’s amazing, especially for filming. It’s called HD Foundation, and I’ve really found it to be the best one around. I put on my foundation
last
because the eye shadow sprinkles down on my face and I end up washing it off.

One of the lip glosses I can’t live without is L’Oréal Infallible in Sunset, even though I’ve worn it on the red carpet a couple of times and people have said, “Oh Kyle, you have something on your teeth!” I love it so much I wear it anyway. I’ve heard of smearing Vaseline on your teeth to keep your lip gloss from smearing on them, but really, must I? Yuck. I’d rather just wipe the lipstick off.

My favorite blush in the entire world is called The Balm, and the shade I love is Hot Mama! You can buy it online or in boutique makeup stores like Sephora. It’s actually a shadow and blush all-in-one that comes in a powder. I’ve shown it to the makeup artists I’ve worked with, and they’ve all started using it themselves. I like cream blush because it looks so natural when you put it on, but I gave up on it because it comes off in about two minutes.

I haven’t been wearing lipstick lately—I’m more into lip gloss. I have about fifty of them! My most beloved lip gloss ever is Trish McEvoy Irresistible. It’s really sparkly, looks nice in pictures, and stays on. But I don’t care who makes the lip gloss—or any of the makeup—as long as the colors are pretty. Some of my favorite lip glosses are inexpensive, like L’Oréal No. 8, Fairest Nude.

Again, I want to emphasize: there is no need to pay a lot of money for this stuff!

I like to wear bronzer, so I went into Saks one day and I said, “What’s your best bronzer?” The guy just gave it to me and I didn’t even ask him how much it was, though I certainly ask the prices of a lot of things. But really, how expensive could it be? And then I got the bill. Oh my God! It was $120! This tiny little compact. I was miserable. I was so embarrassed to go return it that I asked my sister to take it back for me! So then I went to the beauty supply store and got this bronzer the size of a grapefruit in a gorgeous color for $10. I thought,
Yes, that’s more like it!
I mean, how do they charge me $120 for a bronzer just because it has a cute compact? Are you kidding me?

If you can locate a good beauty supply store near you, they will have a variety to choose from. Otherwise, look online to find sources that have a good selection and prices.

As much as I love makeup, I go without it a lot. During the day, unless I have a work-related thing to do, or a birthday lunch, or something like that, I wear tinted sunblock and lip gloss and that’s it. I think it’s good to give your skin a break. If I have a big party at night, I just wear moisturizer all day, get in the shower and wash my face and then I have a clean canvas for my evening makeup. I think makeup always looks best the first time you apply it for that day. It never goes on as well or looks as good when you’ve had to take off a bunch of makeup first and start all over. So, if you have a special event in the evening or a late afternoon meeting, you might want to forgo wearing makeup earlier in the day and start with a fresh canvas before the event when you really want to look your best.

In season 1 of
Real Housewives
, in one episode I wanted Kim to have a makeover before she went on a big date. So I took her to my facialist, Carina. I don’t know if you saw it, but Carina puts this huge contraption on you that penetrates to the deep layers of the dermis and tightens your facial muscles.

I think it truly does make my face feel much tighter and gives it a glow, especially when she adds microdermabrasion. But when you’ve got that contraption on, you look like Hannibal Lecter from
The Silence of the Lambs
! It’s crazy, and it never gets old laughing at it. Every time I go there I take a picture of myself with my Blackberry and start laughing, because I just cannot believe some of the things we do to get beautiful! It doesn’t hurt—it’s actually relaxing—and Carina is amazing. But it looks really scary!

After that episode aired, people bombarded me with questions about that facial. And then so many people started going to her that she had to hire extra people to help her. Hey, with unemployment so high, I might as well send some more people her way, right? Ha! She’s at carinaskincare.com.

Because I have dark hair and dark eyebrows, it’s easier for me to get away without wearing makeup. When I was a blonde, it made me feel more washed out, because I didn’t have the framing effect of the hair and the brows. If you have light hair, you may want to supplement the sunblock and gloss with a swipe or two of mascara to give your face a little more definition.