Life After That (31 page)

"Yes…"

"Well, I have to say I feel much better now. I thought you were gonna be all mad and would end things with me right away because of that."

"Yeah…"

"Yeah? Yeah what?"

"Ash… I have something to say to you too."

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Kirstin's Loft - Monday

Kirstin got up and paced around the bed. Ashley got up too, but sat on the bed.
"Yes? What do you wanna tell me, K?" Ashley was not worried. He just felt a strange vibe, but he was not worried. Kirstin's expression suddenly changed and she was all serious.
"Well, it's about something that I realized last night. Something happened and it made me think our relationship over and I've made some decisions that I have to discuss with you."
"Yes." Now Ashley was getting worried.
"Well. it's really hard to tell you this but. I. I did a stupid thing last night. Probably the most stupid thing I could have ever done."
"What? Kirstin, please tell me already! I'm dying here!" Ashley pleaded.
"It's just that I. Well, Tom."
"Tom? What about Tom? What Tom has to do with it? Please, don't tell me that you." Ashley looked up at Kirstin, but she didn't say a word, just looked down. She couldn't face Ashley. He didn't deserve all that, especially after all the trouble he went to do what he did to her place and all.
"I kissed him. I kissed Tom."
"No, you didn't." Ashley got up from the bed "No Kirstin, I know you didn't. Just tell me he kissed you. Don't try to cover it for him. I know you didn't kiss him. He kissed you!"
"No Ash." Kirstin sat on her bed and held her head on both her hands "I was the one who kissed him. He didn't force me to do anything. I kissed him just because I felt like kissing him."
"No, Kirstin. I know you. You wouldn't do this. You couldn't do this to me. We go way back. We have a history. I love you. You wouldn't do that to me." Ashley was desperate, shaking his head. He didn't wanna face the fact that she would kiss someone else, specially Tom who he hated so much, if she was with Ashley.
"Ash, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came up to me, I just know that I kissed him. But it gets worse."
"How? How can it get worse? There's nothing worse than that. Unless." He was pacing around the room, but stopped and looked straight at Kirstin "Don't tell you and Tom had. sex?"
"No, no, no! It's not that." Ashley felt a bit more relieved. He didn't know why he felt more relieved cause Kirstin had done something wrong. She had kissed him, that was enough for him to be mad, but at least they hadn't had sex.
"Then what is it?" What would be worst then having sex with Tom, Ashley wondered.
"It. I don't know how to put it to you without hurting you, an God know, Ash, that I don't wanna hurt you, but I have to be truth to you."
"I want you to be truth to me."
"So. when I kissed Tom it just. felt. right. I liked it. I don't regret kissing Tom. I wouldn't have done any other way."
"What? What does it mean?"
"I don't know Ash. I don't know!" Kirstin got up and paced around the room too "That's the part I'm trying to figure out yet. What it means exactly." Kirstin was crying. She was so messed up. She wanted to be with Ashley, but she wanted to be with Tom too "I don't know. maybe we should. take this 2 months off you're in Europe and think it over and."
"I don't wanna think it over Kirstin. I know I love you and I wanna be with you. I don't wanna think it over."
"But Ashley, I just told you I kissed a guy last night and."
"I don't care about what you did last night. I'm forgiving you. I just care about what you do from this night on. I want you to promise me that you won't do that again. I want you to promise me that you won't see Tom ever again."
"Ash, I can't. I can't promise you I won't see Tom ever again. And that I won't do that again because I. I don't know, I think that I. I have feelings for Tom too and."
"No Kirstin, it's not true. I know you don't mean that."
"I'm so sorry Ash, I told you I don't wanna hurt you but I also told ya I have to be truth to you."
"Yes, but." Ashley just shook his head and continued, "I don't know what to say anymore, Kirstin. I know I can't change your mind, I can't change your feelings, I know that I can't make you love me, God knows how much I want it, but there's nothing I can do about that. All I want you to know is that I love you, but you know that already and. I just don't wanna break things up with you. I know we're not serious or anything, but I do know that I don't wanna loose what we have, I don't wanna loose you."
"Ashley, I don't want to loose you either, but."
"So, let's keep this going. I know that if you give me a chance I can make it up. I'll try every way possible to make you love me."
"Ashley, listen to me. You're never around. You're always traveling, you're always busy, you have your band. I don't wanna come between that. I know how much you've worked to be on that band and how much you love that band. And I don't want to be the person to take you away from all that. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I'd ever do something like that. And it's not that simple. When you work to make someone fall in love with you, you gotta know there's something wrong. Something is not working. Love doesn't work that way. You can't make someone love you. And we don't choose who we love any more than we choose when it ends. Fate takes whatever it wants from us and there is nothing we can do about that. And right know, fate is telling me to go with Tom."
"Don't say that."
"Ash, please. Try to understand me. If you really love me the way you say you do, then you should just. let me be happy. I wouldn't be happy around you. I have such strong feelings for you."
"See? So let's do it! We can do it! We can make it work."
"No Ash, we can't. They are strong feelings but that won't keep us together. I need to be safe around someone and how can I be safe around you when you're never around?"
There was a brief silence. Ashley had his back to Kirstin. She went up to him and turned him to look at her. She saw the red eyes and how much Ashley was crying.
"Ash. please don't. You're gonna make me cry even more. See?" Kirstin was crying her eyes out too. They hugged each other. Kirstin didn't wanna be the reason for Ashley to cry. But she couldn't lie to him. She couldn't let him love her and didn't return his love. It would end up hurting him more. It wouldn't be fair. But she didn't want to leave him too. She knew she would be safer with Tom, she felt it was right to be with Tom, but Ashley felt right, too. But for now, she'd go with Tom. Kirstin broke their hug. She looked deeply into his big blue eyes, that were now red, and with true honest, said, "Ash. I'm sorry."
"I guess there's nothing you can do about that."
"I'm sorry."
"That's ok. You are right. I can't force you to love me. It just doesn't go that way. And maybe it's for the best. That way neither of us will get hurt along the way. Maybe, sometimes, the person you love is not the person you are suppose to be with. Crazy as it may sound."
Kirstin had a weak smile on. Ashley smiled, using all his strength to do it so, because he was devastated from inside. He headed downstairs. Kirstin went with him. Kirstin opened the door and Ashley pressed the elevator button. He came up to her, and said his last phrase.
"I love you. But this shouldn't be enough for you. You have to love me too. I'll wait for you."
With that said, Ashley kissed her softly on the lips and disappeared in the elevator.

THE END

The next
book
is :

Life After Him

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