Life After Taylah (26 page)

I climb in, feeling little shards pierce my skin. I don’t care.

The minute my feet are on the ground, I run up the stairs. I go straight to the bathroom and twist the door handle.
Locked.
I begin pounding on it.

“Avery!” I yell. “Avery!”

I pound harder. Shit, what if she’s not here? I pull out my phone and I dial her number. The moment I hear the buzzing in the bathroom, I know she’s in there. A sick feeling courses through my body as I lift my foot and kick the door. 

It takes me a grueling ten minutes before it busts open. I charge in and skid to a halt when I see her. She’s curled in a pool of her own blood.

“No!” I cry, dropping to the floor beside her, my knees slipping in the red liquid.

There’s a knife lying on the tiles beside her, and her wrists are bleeding from deep gashes she’s created herself.

No, Avery. No.

“Baby,” I rasp, lifting her into my arms, covering myself with her blood. The strong copper scent burns my nose. “Baby, wake up.”

She’s floppy in my arms. Oh fuck, oh God,
no.
I press my fingers to her neck and check for a pulse. It’s there but it’s faint. I run down stairs, dialing an ambulance as I go.

“What’s your emergency?”

“My girl has cut her wrists, she’s bleeding. Please.”

“What’s your address?”

I give them the address and they assure me they’ll be there in less than ten minutes. What if she doesn’t have ten minutes? I lay her on the couch, and my tears hit her cheeks as I rip off my shirt, tearing it and securing it around her wrists. She’s covered in blood and so am I. I lift her into my arms again, pressing her close.

“Don’t you die on me, baby. Don’t you die. I’m so sorry. I love you; do you hear me? I love you, Avery.”

I rock her backwards and forwards until I feel a hand on my arm. I look up through my blurred vision to see an ambulance officer by my side. He takes her from my arms and I hear them speaking to each other, saying things I don’t understand. They wheel her out on a stretcher and I follow, though my body is completely numb.

Please, God. Don’t let her die.

~*~*~*~

S
ometimes pain becomes too much. Sometimes there is just too much devastation to see anything else. I couldn’t see anything else; all I could see was relief. I needed relief like I needed air.

I’m tired of hurting. Tired of feeling this agony each day. My mother’s death was the icing on the cake. The emotions of it all were too much.

I can’t say it was hard, walking into my bathroom with a knife in my hand. Why do we always choose the bathroom to commit such an act? Why not the bed, or the kitchen? I don’t know, but it’s where I ended up when I decided everything got too much. It wasn’t hard because I knew it would finally bring me peace.

It burned when I dragged the blade over my skin. My heart clenched when the blood bubbled up to the surface and slowly ran down onto the floor beneath me. When my body started to grow weak and my vision began fading, I knew I’d finally found my peace. Maybe now I can go to her; maybe now I can feel her arms around me again.

Maybe now it’ll stop hurting.

~*~*~*~

“W
here is she?” Kelly barks, charging down the halls.

I stare at him, my eyes empty. My body is still soaked with her blood, and it’s a very real possibility that’s the last piece of her I’ll ever have. The doctors took her away as soon as we got in here, and I’m still waiting. Waiting to hear those words. There are only two options. “She’s dead.” Or “She’s alive.”

I truly don’t know which it will be.

Kelly opens his mouth to yell at me again, but he stops suddenly and his eyes slide down my body. His face goes white and he reaches out, clutching the chair beside him. I step forward, putting my hand on his shoulder.

“Tell me she’s okay,” he croaks out, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“I don’t,” I swallow, my throat is dry and aching. “I don’t know.”

We both collapse onto the chairs and I drop my head into my hands, fighting my emotions.

“It’s my fault,” I whisper. “I did this.”

“No,” Kelly chokes, his voice thick. “Her father did this.”

“I left her, Kel. I made her promises and I fuckin’ broke them.”

“Now isn’t the time, Nate. We just have to pray she makes it through.”

We sit there, silent, for more than two hours. Max joins us, but I don’t look up. He said he can’t find Liam, and that scares me more. The doctor finally shows in the third hour, and we all get to our feet.

“You’re Avery’s family?”

We all nod.

“She’s stable; critical, but stable. She did a good job of her wrists and she lost a lot of blood, but she missed the major vein. It saved her life.”

“Can we see her?” Kelly asks.

“One at a time. She’s still out.”

They both turn to me, and it surprises me I get to go first. With a nod, I follow the doctor down the halls. He takes me to a room and I step inside. There she is, tiny on the bed, tubes coming out of her nose. I walk over, sitting on the old, gray chair beside her bed. I reach out and take her arm, careful not to take her wrists.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” I whisper.

I sit with her for more than an hour, just starting at her. Just willing her to keep breathing. I watch her chest rise and fall, counting each breath that she takes.

I know everyone else will want to see her, and I also know I shouldn’t be here when she wakes up. I stand, feeling my eyes burn with unshed tears as I lean down and press a kiss to her forehead.

“You keep fighting. Keep fighting and remember I will always, love you, Dancer.”

Then I leave her room and her life for a final time.

It’s for the best—at least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

I
’ve been in hospital for five days now, and I’m really not feeling any better. My mom’s funeral is tomorrow, the funeral that should have happened eleven years ago – instead it’s happening now, when everything is falling apart. Max told me yesterday my father admitted to dumping her body in a river. They recovered it, and it turns out everything my father said was true. We can now put her to rest – at least.

Just thinking of what my father did has my stomach coiling. I chose not to go to court; what’s the point? He’s going away and he’s never going to come back out again. I have nothing more to say to him.

Jacob has tried to see me, but I’ve told Kelly to refuse him. My father’s lawyers have spoken to me about my father’s business. I’ve told them to sign it over to Jacob; I don’t want anything to do with a foundation built out of pain, and neither does Liam. I was told my father has given Liam and I more than a hundred thousand dollars each of his own savings. I don’t want his money. It won’t change anything for me. But it’s been put into an account for a later date. A later date I won’t ever make.

I will
never
forgive him.

Kelly has been by my bedside each day, helping me cope. I still haven’t cried; it’s like there’s a block that won’t move from my heart. I just can’t feel anything but this soul-crushing numbness. I haven’t seen or heard from Nate, but Kelly told me it was him who found me. He was the one who saved my life. He saved my life and then he left.

Sometimes I wish he just left me, but that wouldn’t be fair.

It’s taken me days to realize the mistake I made trying to take my own life. As much as I needed relief, it was selfish of me. It was selfish to my brother and to my mother. It’s not what she would have wanted. It wouldn’t have been fair for me to leave Liam alone in the world. I know I have to fight.

But you have to feel to fight.

I feel nothing.

~*~*~*~

“A
re you going to be okay?” Maggie asks, tightening the bow in my hair.

I stare at myself in the mirror: black dress, black shoes, empty expression. Maggie is behind me, her hands on my shoulders, staring at me with a concerned look on her face.

“I’m fine,” I whisper. “I finally get to say goodbye to her.”

“It doesn’t make it easy.”

“No,” I say, turning and walking out the door. “But it’s closure. It’s what I’ve always wanted, right?”

“Avery, honey, it’s okay to feel.”

I don’t answer her; I just walk outside and get into the car. She joins me a moment later and we drive to the funeral in silence.

When we get there, I get out of the car and walk over to the casket that’s ready to be lowered into the ground. My heart clenches, the first real feeling I’ve had in days. I pull a pair of sunglasses over my eyes as I stop beside Liam, Kelly, and Max. We are the only people here—she’s been gone too long, and we didn’t make it known to the world that she’d been found. We wanted to put her to rest first

Liam reaches out and takes my hand. I’m grateful for that.

The service begins, and my eyes travel around for Nate. He didn’t come. Why wouldn’t he come? He knows,
knows
how much this means to me. I thought he cared enough to show his support.

I turn my attention back to the service and listen as the priest talks about a woman he really doesn’t know.

Kind. Loving. Sweet.
My mother was all of those things, but she was so much more too. She was happiness. She was light. She was the sunshine on a cloudy day. She was the stars in the sky. She was the mother every little girl dreams of. None of those words could ever describe the beauty that was taken from this world the day my father decided she shouldn’t be here any longer.

I notice movement out of the corner of my eye and I turn to see a man move out from behind a large headstone, and I see he’s got red, sad eyes. I watch him from the corner of mine as the service goes on, and I see he’s viewing, listening, and it’s then I guess who he is. The man she was having an affair with. I stare at him and when he realizes I’m watching, he steps back behind the headstone. Max notices my stare and turns his gaze in the direction I’m looking.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” I croak, my voice broken.

He nods, and puts his hand on my arm.

I listen as the service goes on, and then, as if that’s all her life was worth, the casket begins lowering into the ground. That’s when it hits me, like a hurricane. That’s my mother, my mother who is getting lowered into the dirt. My knees buckle and I go down hard, landing with my hands on the damp soil. I hang my head and I cry. I finally let the waterfall out. Tears soak my cheeks and my body shakes as I hear the creaking sound of her casket descending into the ground.

“I’m so sorry, Momma,” I sob. “I love you. I’ll always love you. I hope you’ve finally found your happy place.”

Max’s arms go around me and he kneels down, pulling me to his chest. He holds me there for so long that the service ends and a light rain begins drizzling down over us. When he finally lifts me to my feet, my legs are numb and my toes are tingling. He leads me over to the car, and I catch a glimpse of Liam and Kelly standing at the door, holding it open.

“Wait, Max,” I whisper, my voice hoarse. “Is he still here?”

He looks down at me, swiping a damp piece of hair from my face. “Who?”

“The man. I want to see him.”

He lifts his head and stares around, and then looks back down at me. “He’s here still.”

I turn, my body weak and stiff, and I see the man standing and staring at the casket that’s being covered over with dirt, roses scattered at its base.

“I’m going over there,” I rasp. I need to speak to him, need him to explain it to me. I need that closure.

“Are you sure, Avery?” Max says.

“I need to do this.”

I walk away before he can say any more. I slowly walk across the damp grass towards the man standing by my mother’s grave, tears running down his cheeks. He lifts his head when he sees me approaching and his eyes widen. He looks as though he’s seen a ghost. I know he saw me before, but I guess up close it makes it more real.

I take him in as I stop a few feet in front of him. He’s a good-looking man for his age. He’s got short salt-and-pepper hair, eyes as blue as the sky, and a tall, broad body that’s currently covered in a black-and-white suit. I feel my chest constrict as I stare at him, knowing that once, even if only for a while, my mother loved this man. Whatever her reasons were, he meant something to her and I can’t hate him
or
her for that.

“You look just like her,” he chokes out.

“Why are you here?” I ask, my voice low.

“I just . . . I wanted to say goodbye.”

“Why?” I breathe.

He looks at me, his eyes scanning my face. “You know why.”

“What’s your name?”

My questions are scattered, that I know. They match my mind right now. It’s all over the place and I can’t seem to get it straight.

“My name is Blayke.”

I swallow and take him in. “My name is Avery.”

“I know,” he says, his voice growing thick.

Tears burn in my eyes and I close them, rubbing furiously to stop them escaping.

“There are so many things I want to ask you,” I say, looking up at him. “Like why? Or how long? But the thing I want to ask probably the most is the simplest of them all. Was she happy? The day she died, was she happy?”

A tear falls from his eye and drops onto his cheek as he smiles at a clearly painful memory. “Do you want to know the last thing she said to me before she left the hotel room?”

I nod.

“She said that she had to go because she was going to make apple cupcakes for you. She said they were your favorite and she couldn’t not make them, because you loved them, especially after school.”

I sob loudly and rub my hands over my face.

“They were,” I whisper. “They were a complete accident. She was making normal cupcakes one day and I begged her to put apple in. She told me they’d taste horrible, but it turns out they were delicious.”

He smiles and wipes his own tears away.

“Can I ask you something else?” I whisper.

“Anything.”

“Did you love her? I mean, really love her?” I pause and run my hands over my dress, taking a deep breath. “My mother to me was faultless. She could do no wrong. To hear that she had a secret lover, it damaged something inside me. I don’t ever want to see her as being the person that did so wrong but sometimes it’s hard not to. Maybe, maybe if I understood . . .”