License to Love (15 page)

“Jeffrey will recover, won’t he?” She grabbed unto that
because she didn’t see any way to relieve Brent’s guilt.

“He’ll heal.”

So why couldn’t Brent let go of it? They’d all learned
something. She almost pointed out that she was more to blame, but he’d feel bad
for that, too.

“How did you lose control when Ben died?” she asked instead.
She couldn’t ask before, but he’d brought it up this time. He wanted someone to
listen, she could tell that much.

After several deep breaths, he said, “I could have gone. I
planned to, but he didn’t want to wait. So he went and got in the accident.”

She could see why it was hard on him, but he didn’t cause
the accident or make Ben drive the truck that day. “You didn’t ask him to go?”

“No, but I should have just gone.”

“You can’t change the past.” Wow, big revelation there. That
should help him out. “I don’t think it was your fault, and I don’t think Ben
would want you to regret that day for the rest of your life.”

He didn’t answer, but pulled her closer to him. She laid her
face on his chest and listened to him breathe.

He seemed to be waiting for something. What else could she
say? Minutes ticked by and he didn’t go to sleep, but rubbed circles on her
bare shoulders with his hand.

She wanted to ask what he wanted, because she felt stiffness
in his shoulders. With a jump in her heartbeat, she remembered what he wanted.
Another conversation came to mind, the tense talk they’d had that morning in
his kitchen. She’d asked him to share then, and he had demanded the same from
her.

Now what? Her heart took off running, and she wanted to bolt
from the bed, too. She noticed his heartbeat was running a little fast as well
while he waited for her to say something.

This wasn’t something she could throw out there on the spur
of the moment. She didn’t know if she could ever tell him.

Several slow and tense minutes passed before he sighed. They
didn’t speak again, but he didn’t let her slip away that night.

* * * *

Brent woke up early and smelled lavender. He felt the warmth
of her bare back pressed against his front.

He wasn’t remembering her scent, he smelled her. There, with
him, asleep. Hugging her closer, he breathed in her scent and kissed her cheek,
her neck, that little spot where her neck met her shoulder where his face fit
perfectly. Their bodies fit just right as they lay there together.

The night before crashed back into his thoughts, like the
waves beating the beach. A throb started in his temples. He’d opened his heart,
expecting her to do the same. What could be so big and dark that she couldn’t
tell him? After all they’d shared, she couldn’t trust him the way he trusted
her.

Maybe she
didn’t
plan to stick around.

She made a little noise and turned to him. When her eyes
opened and he saw uncertainty there, his stomach knotted up. “Missy, will you
be all right today?”

She nodded.

“Will you come to me if you need to talk?” he asked, and she
nodded again. That nod didn’t necessarily mean she’d talk to him about whatever
hurt her before though.

Holding her, he kissed her face and reassured her before
getting up. Seeing her in his bed made him feel torn between his responsibility
for his horses and the woman he loved.

She wanted space. He could see it in her desperate look. “I
need to go down to the stables, but you can stay there as long as you like.”

Nestled down into the covers like that, she had her face
half hidden and didn’t give away anything in her expression.

“Thanks,” she said when the moment drug out. He took her
hand and reluctantly let go to leave. What could he do with a woman like that?
He loved her enough to let her get away with it. But he knew she’d eventually
need to talk about it.

He could tell that Ivan was expecting to get it for the
incident. The young man readily agreed to check on the horse during the night
and the morning before Brent could make it over. He didn’t bother saying
anything to Ivan about the accident, knowing it wasn’t needed. Some things in
life weren’t learned through words. Instead he made small talk with him and
reassured Ivan he was doing a good job.

He went to the stables and to his horse. “Hey, old friend.
Just couldn’t let that other horse show you up, could you?”

The soft footsteps surprised him. He’d expected Missy to
stay in bed a while or find something to keep her busy. So far, she hadn’t felt
the need to spend all her time with him.

Maybe she was here to talk to him. It could happen, just
like he could win the lottery or find gold on his property. He turned to look
at her while still running his gloved hand over Jeffrey’s nose. She wore a
sheepskin coat, her hands tucked into her pockets. With her long hair pulled
back into a ponytail, she had a strange aloof look that didn’t go with her
personality.

Something was stirring in the air, and he got a bad feeling
about it.

In the minutes while he waited, he caught her quick glances.

“I have to ask you something.” She’d kept the distance
between them, and he could tell this was hard for her to do.

“Shoot,” he said. Guilt flashed through her eyes, filling
him with dread.

She pulled in a breath, taking forever. “I need some space.
I think we need a little space so we’re thinking clearly. We can’t keep our
heads around each other.”

Out of all the possible requests, he hadn’t seen that
coming. Though the air hung misty and silent around them, her words seemed to
echo in the cold.

“Brent?”

“Why?”
Why do you want to gut me and leave me to die?

“I’m not sure how to handle all of this,” she said, her
voice shaking.

He heard her loud and clear: Missy didn’t want to explain
all her fears to him. She didn’t want to let him in.

He stepped closer, wanting to take hold of her arms, but she
backed up. “I can tell you’re lying,” he said.

“What do you know?” That city girl cover was back, the one
she’d worn the day she came to his porch.

“Is this about what I told you last night?” he asked,
confused and hurt that his confession would drive her away. Maybe she didn’t
like learning so much about him, either.

With a shake of the head, she said, “Of course not. Don’t
ever think that.”

“Then what? Don’t you see I need you? I think you need me
too.” Brent stepped so quickly, she couldn’t back away from him. She couldn’t
run with his hand gripping her arm, but she didn’t look like she planned to
answer him, either.

“I don’t
want
to need you.” Her enraged voice told
him she was telling the truth.

“I don’t understand. I know you didn’t plan on this, but
neither did I. Fate brought us together.”

At the fiery flashes in her eyes, he knew he’d picked the
wrong words.

“Are you saying I don’t have a choice?”

“Of course you do,” he said, wishing to hell he could
understand her. “I just need to know why you won’t take it.”

She shook her arm free. “I can’t walk into this lightly. I
need to think about it.”

In his opinion, she did too much thinking, but he let her
leave.

Chapter Ten

The radio on her kitchen counter played Christmas music, but
to Missy, it didn’t feel like Christmas would be coming to Ocean View Stables.

Telling Brent the truth had seemed like the worst thing that
could happen. Maybe she couldn’t handle this.

She stood in her kitchen, watching out her window as Brent
walked with Jeffrey in the pasture. After two weeks of not talking with him,
not working beside him, or making love to him, she felt like a stranger to
herself.

At first she had needed space to think about things. Or
maybe she had just needed the space because they were getting close. It felt
strange to need someone else like that. And she had known it was time to share
more about herself.

She’d gotten scared—she could see that now. That’s why she
pushed him away. Then it was clear he was hurt so she gave him space. That just
made things worse. This trouble was because he wanted to know all her secrets,
but didn’t every couple have secrets?

She hated how they’d spent part of the holiday season hardly
talking. Maybe she’d damaged things too much to fix them now.

It was time to try.

She wrapped up in a coat and scarf and walked down to see
him, knowing he might send her packing. He saw her coming, but didn’t give her
a warm greeting.

“How is he?” she asked, not stepping close enough to pet Jeffrey.

“Much better, thanks.” He only gave her a glance. Boy, he
wasn’t going easy on her, was he?

“I miss you,” she tried. He whipped around, sending her a
step back.

“I didn’t send you away, remember?” She’d never heard his
soft voice sound as bitter as it did now. Had she hurt him that badly? “You
wanted to cool things down, they’re cooled.”

She pushed her hands deep into her coat pockets to keep them
warm. “I got scared.”

“And I offered to help.” He kept his attention on the horse
and she stood for several minutes, thinking about leaving. But she couldn’t. He
sighed and turned to her. “You want me, then you don’t. My horse is more
dependable than you are.”

“Okay, fine,” she mumbled to herself on her way into the
stables. She decided Dancer needed some riding time. She’d been riding him more
and more, and it’d be good for both of them to get out and run out some energy.

Maybe a horse
was
more dependable. So what? Why did
she have to be dependable? She saddled Dancer and took off on the path to the
top of the hill. They set a good pace, stopping when they arrived at the
spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean.

Waves rose and fell in a natural rhythm and pace. The cold
wind stung her cheeks, but she welcomed it.

Such a beautiful view... she loved this place. She wasn’t
sure when it had happened, but she felt like she was home–like she’d found
whatever it was she’d been looking for.

Brent was a part of Ocean View Stables like the waves were a
part of the sea. Why had she been afraid of loving him before?

She nudged the horse and headed back as the sun slipped down
into the clouds over the water.

* * * *

After she’d put Dancer up, she trudged back to her little
house in the fading light. Inside she flipped on the lights and dropped onto
her couch. Was there enough wine left in her fridge to get her drunk? She was
almost in tears, about to get the wine, when someone knocked.

Knowing it’d be him, she opened her door to a tall cowboy,
his hat in hand, and hurt in his blue eyes. She had put that hurt there, and
that made her stomach go sour. She let him in and went back to her couch.

“What’s going on, Missy?”

“I was wrong.” She could say it only so many ways. He looked
so handsome, and so frustrated.

“Is this about Ben?”

She stared at him, dumbstruck. “Oh, you’re mad at me. I
replaced him. And you’re mad at me.”

His eyes went wide. “No!”

Then what did he mean? She waited for an answer but he just turned
his hat in his hands. After a sigh, he said, “I don’t know what else to think.
You won’t give me anything.”

Actually, she’d given him everything but the truth. “Sit
down with me, Brent.”

He sat and immediately demanded, “If that’s not it, what’s
holding you back?”

She couldn’t break eye contact. His blue eyes held hope and
questions. He’d shared his guilt with her, why couldn’t she tell him?

She hadn’t said the words out loud to anyone, and she stared
at him now in silence, her heart pumping erratically in her chest. Each beat
sounded loud inside her, hurting. Each breath took effort.

She’d give anything for him to know, to somehow read her
mind, and save her from saying the words. She couldn’t do it.

“I can’t do this, Missy.” He stood and her heart shattered.
“If you want me, you want me. And if not, we’ll see what happens here at the
ranch. But you can’t go one way and then the other.”

His eyes blazed at her as he set his hat back on his head. He
stormed out, maybe for the last time.

* * * *

That couldn’t have gone worse. After stalking out into the
darkness, he stopped and stood with both hands on his hips. He’d do anything to
get Missy to love him, truly love him and share her life and secrets with him.

What could it be? What haunted her and kept her so guarded?

A light rain began to fall as he stood in the middle of the
road. Rain didn’t bother him. The expression he’d seen on her face when he left
did.

Now walking just to move, he took one step after another, though
he didn’t want to leave. Was fair the most important thing? No matter what else
happened, he couldn’t leave things the way they were. He loved her, even if
they didn’t have a future together, so he couldn’t leave her with those angry
words.

Halfway back to his house, he couldn’t go on. He turned around
and started for her house again, but right then he heard someone take off from
the stables on horseback. How’d she get past him?

Did that woman take to a horse every time she got mad?

He ran to the stables, threw a saddle on Jeffrey and took
off after her. The rain continued to drizzle, coating him with tiny water
droplets that started soaking through his clothes. At least she’d stuck to a
path, so he saw her up ahead.

“Missy!”

She turned Dancer to run off, but he galloped up to her. She
really meant it when she said her and Dancer were friends. At least someone was
riding him again.

“Wait, Missy, can I tell you something?” He could barely see
her.

“I deserve it, so go ahead.” Her rough, shaking voice told
him what his eyes couldn’t.