Libera Me (2 page)

Almost.

“I thought we could talk.” Each word is deliberate as it leaves my mouth. I don’t want him to hear the worry, the pain. I can’t let him see my secrets.

The second Guardian meets my gaze as he leaves the room and Caim again sits, sharpening his blade.

“I’d hate to be the one you’re thinking of right now.” I say, straddling the empty chair.

Caim’s eyes meet mine for a brief moment. “Oh, you have nothing to worry about with me. I’m just a Guardian, remember. What harm would I do?”

A slight chill crawls down my spine. “I don’t know,” I say. “Your expression reminds me more of the Sentinals. Of—”

“Nesayiel.”

Her name sounds wrong on his lips. I don’t know how to respond, what he thinks he knows. What Mikayel or the others may have told him.

“Still,” I say when the words finally form. “You Guardians have been known to hold your own in a fight.”

“That we have,” Caim smirks. “That we have.” He lays the sword on the table and faces me, his expression stoic. “Now, why are you here? I doubt it’s to make small talk. That doesn’t seem your style.”

It isn’t. I hate mindless chatter. I clench my jaw, forcing the next words. “I need your help.”

“So you’ve found her then?” Caim’s voice is steady.

“I’m not sure. But I have found him.”

“Aydan?”

“Yes. Aydan.” I swallow back my apprehension. “Nesy can’t be far behind.”

“Perhaps.”  Caim extends his wings behind him and stretches his neck. “Perhaps not.”

I don’t like Caim’s innuendos. Nesy will always find Aydan. As much as I wish it wasn’t true, their love always finds a way. Sooner or later. “Oh, I’m certain she’s with him. Somewhere. I just can’t sense her. Not now.”

“Which is why you’ve come.” Caim’s flippant tone grates on my nerves, causing a flood of frustration.

Cass warned me about accepting his offer of help. But the Council thought differently and assigned him to us.

“Yes. I need to make sure it’s her.”

Caim stands, signaling an end to our conversation. I follow suit, refusing to leave without an answer. “So? Will you go?”

Caim tilts his head, a wry smile covering his expression. “I can’t, I’m afraid. Not yet.”

I furrow my brow, scrambling to hide my disappointment.

“Sariel has us working day and night. Apparently the Council has commanded that every order train harder. Longer.”

“Gabriel hasn’t mentioned anything.”

“Or maybe you’ve been too distracted to notice.”

My jaw clenches and I grit my teeth. I’m tired of his games, no matter how true his words.

I have been distracted, consumed with my need to find Nesy. Gabriel says the feelings will pass, that they’re natural given the scope of my sacrifice. Mikayel says its guilt, that I blame myself for her disappearance. And Cass, she accuses me of holding on to a dream that can never be. She wants me to let go of Nesy, let go of everything. While I still can.

I think they’re all wrong.

Maybe.

“Look, I need to find Nesy. Those are
my
orders. Are you going to help or not?”

“Sorry brother. Not this time.”

“Fine,” I hiss.  

Anxiety ripples through me, tightening the muscles in my shoulders, my back, my wings. Caim was supposed to say yes. Only yes.

Who will be my eyes now? Who will sense if Nesy has really returned? Who?

I leave Caim and my thoughts wander to Nesy. I know she must be alive, but...

My mind is lost, confused. How am I supposed to find her when I cannot sense her? And if I do finally find her, how do I keep her safe when I can no longer feel the demons, the UnHoly? How can I do battle when I have no ability to see what it is I am fighting?

The questions bombard my thoughts as doubt coats my senses, further separating me from all that I am. I walk aimlessly through the streets of Celestium, lost in my own obscurity.

“Zane.”

I can’t tell where the sound comes from, whether or not it is real.

“Zane.”

The word envelops me, coming from everywhere. And nowhere.

“Zane! Stop. Where are you going?”

I continue to walk, oblivious. A hand falls on my shoulder and in an instant my mind settles. The questions cease and the shadow of doubt lifts, leaving in its place…

Peace.

“Zane. It’s me. Cass.”

Cass. Of course. Only an Anointed can bring such peace so quickly. “What are you doing?” I ask, forcing my voice under control.

“Me? I’m calming my friend. The real question is why does he need to be calmed in the first place? What’s going on Zane? Where were you just now?”

I won’t share my thoughts with her, my burdens. Yes, she knows of my guilt, of what was traded for Nesy’s life. She even knows the true purpose of my frequent trips to Earth.

But she has not seen the depths of my thoughts or my heart. Not yet.

Not ever.

“With Caim. We talked about our next mission.”

“You mean you tried to convince him to help you find Nesy.”

Silence is my only response.

“Zane, you have to let this go. Even if you find her, what difference could it possibly make?”

“Every difference.”

“She will never be able to see you. Gabriel will never authorize you to be in form with her. So what then? You watch her from afar, torturing yourself? I went through this with you once before. I’m not doing it again.”

“I’m not asking you too.”

“No, you’re not. And that’s even worse.” Cass turns away. Her thick black hair falls in her face as she casts her gaze to the ground, shaking her head. Frustration ripples across her back, extending through her indigo wings. “You don’t even know if it’s her.”

“It’s her,” I whisper. “It has to be.”

Cass spins to face me, pinning me with her glare. “All you know, Zanethios, is that there is a girl that likes Aydan. That’s it.”

“And he likes her. A lot. I can feel it in his thoughts. He thinks she’s Nesy. That’s enough for me.”

“He could be wrong.”

“But it gives me enough of a reason to visit her.”

“Gabriel won’t allow it.”

“I wasn’t planning on telling him.” I clench my jaw, shifting my weight from foot to foot.  

“What? No! This is how we lost Nesy in the first place, by allowing her to do things outside of the Council. You aren’t going to break your vows. You aren’t visiting that girl.”

Cass’s mouth continues to move, but her voice fades away. My mind fills with thoughts of the girl, of Nesy. It’s her, I know it is. And I will prove it.

“Why are you so certain it’s her?”

Cass’s voice returns, thundering through me. It pulls my attention to her, breaking the spell cast by images of Nesy.

“I just am,” I say through gritted teeth. “Why are you so certain that it isn’t?”

“She’s been gone for six months and nothing—not a prayer, not a thought. Nothing. The real Nesy would find a way to tell us that she was alive, especially after the last time. The real Nesy would find her way back to us.”

“She found her way back to Aydan. Maybe that’s enough.”

“Not for Nesy, it isn’t. It’s not her.”

I think about the words, wondering. A moment passes before I open my mouth to speak again. “I don’t care what you think, Cass. I know it’s her. With or without you, I’m going.”

“What if it’s a trap, Zane? Did you think about that? What if she’s a demon sent by Azza?”

“Then I guess I’m going to die.”

In truth, I already have.

The air crackles with energy as I step from the portal. A house stretches in front of me, yellow with white trim.  I stand near a hedge that lines the driveway, cloaked in shadow and my angelic form. A girl sits on the steps, waiting. Her hair covers her face as she chews her lower lip.

Nesy.

She checks her phone over and over. Waiting. Always waiting.

“Now what? Are you going to speak to her? Forage through her thoughts?”

I knew Cass would follow, knew her lecture wasn’t finished.

“No. I’m just going to watch. See if there is anything that reminds me of her.”

“How did you even find her?”

“I followed her here yesterday. After school.”

“Zane! You’re taking too many risks.”

I have nothing to say to her, no excuses I care to make. Of course I followed the girl, what else could I do?

Cass releases an exasperated sigh. “So you’re going to just sit here and wait for what, a sign or something?”

I nod, watching as the girl continues to check her phone, her apprehension growing.

“Suit yourself,” she says. “But I refuse to watch you destroy yourself again.” Cass turns away and fades into the night sky.

A low rumbling trembles the ground and Nesy stands. She’s dressed in a short white skirt, a white tank and a denim jacket. So different from the way I’m used to seeing her. A broad smile covers her face as Aydan pulls into the driveway, straddling a motorcycle.  Nesy runs to him, her face aglow. It’s hard for me to watch, harder than it should be. He kisses her cheek as she climbs on the bike, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. He whispers something to her and she tilts her head back, laughing while part of me dies.

Aydan pulls down on the throttle and the motorcycle roars to life. Nesy turns her head to where I stand. For a moment, our eyes meet. Everything stops and time is suspended. She searches my face with her eyes, reaching into the depths of my soul.

Can you see me?

In my mind I run to her, make certain she’s real. I enter her thoughts, finding my Nesy inside. She thanks me for saving her, tells me that she loves me. In my mind, all of this happens.

But only in my mind.

Aydan turns the bike onto the road as a slight smile tugs at Nesy’s lips. She turns away and tightens her embrace as they are swallowed up in the darkness.

I close my eyes and inhale a sharp breath. “It
is
you,” I whisper to no one. “I knew it was you.”

Chapter 3 – GIFT

Aydan

Her body burns against mine, throwing off my concentration. I want to pull over and wrap her in endless kisses. Remind her of what we are to each other. But I can’t. Not yet. She only sees me as someone she is
supposed
to know, not someone she’s risked more than just her life for, someone she loves.

It’s a difference I need to fix. Tonight.

I push the bike faster, enjoying the little tremors I feel from her as she grips my body. Every touch from her awakens a need from deep inside my soul. I’m not sure how much longer I can avoid kissing her.

We follow the road that winds up the rocky coastline of the Sound. The restaurant is situated at the top of the ridge in the middle of a quaint, affluent town. Couples walk the shop-lined streets hand in hand and sit at cozy outdoor tables. It reminds me of some fairytale in some foreign land. Romantic and timeless.

Perfect.

“Wow,” she says when we arrive. “This is gorgeous. I don’t think I’ve ever been up here.”

“I had a feeling you’d like it,” I say as I place my hand in the small of her back and guide her into the restaurant.

“I do. A lot. But why? What’s the occasion?”

I want to say it’s our 500 year anniversary of sorts; I want to tell her everything. “A month ago you came walking into Euro, and everything in my life changed for the better,” I say instead. “It seems like something we should celebrate.”

She smiles and snuggles into me as we wait for our table. I inhale her scent. Vanilla and something else. Something different. Smoky almost. Sexy. It drives me crazy with need, want.

I swallow hard and move away while I can.

“I’m going to see what’s taking so long. They should’ve seated us already.” I walk to the hostess, desperate for a little distance so I can focus.

I don’t want to scare Nesy. But being this close to her, being human—it’s more intense than I’d expected. And my control is not what it once was. I don’t know how humans ever survive these emotions. These urges.

The night passes too fast as we eat and talk. Her eyes light up when I tell her about my life, the one made up by Gabriel. She tells me about hers, lies she’s been fed to fill in the dark holes. It’s strange. Surreal.

And nothing like what I wanted for this night.

I stare into her eyes, hoping to lose myself in their depth. But there is no recognition in them now, no way for me to tell if she’ll ever remember the truth of us.

Maybe she doesn’t need to.

     
—Can you love me as I am?

Maybe it’s enough to simply start over.

     
—Can we find our way back? Find our love?

Or maybe there is no love for someone like me.

The last thought lingers too long and I begin to choke on my fear. I have to make her remember, have to believe we have a chance.

Still.

“Nesy?” I drink in her gaze, wondering if this will work. “Are you happy?”

She furrows her brow. “With you? Yes.”

“With your life?”

Her eyes darken.

This is a mistake
, I think.  

“I don’t know,” Nesy whispers. “I know I’m happy when I’m with you.”

“But?”

She swallows hard and her eyes begin to fill. “But…what if it’s not enough.”

Her sadness sends a shard of pain through me. I can’t stand seeing the depth of her anguish. Feeling it. I silently curse myself for rushing things.  

I move my chair so I can comfort her, taking her hands in mine. A lone tear slides down her face and my insides break in two. Catching her tear with my thumb, I wipe it away and press my lips to her forehead. “You are more than enough, love,” I whisper into her hair.

“But, when you talk, when you tell me that I’m strong and fearless, when you call me Nesy…” Her voice trembles, catching on every word. “I’m torn.”

“Torn?” I can’t bear the thought that I am the cause of her pain.

Again.

“I’m not the girl you think I am. I’m not…Nesy.” Her voice cracks as she pulls her hands from mine and turns away so I can’t see the river of grief pouring from her eyes. “I’m not her.”