Lexington Connection (38 page)

“I’m not saying I don’t want to talk. We didn’t talk the last time and look where it got us. But I also want what we had.” She stopped, feeling Diana’s stillness. “And I want more.” She rubbed her face in Diana’s hair. “I have missed you so much.”

“We’re not the same, Jessie. I’ve changed, you’ve changed.” Diana didn’t move away in spite of her protest.

Jessie turned Diana’s face up so she could see her expression. “Tell me you don’t want me. Tell me you don’t still have dreams of blue jeans and white shirts and sunglasses.” She caressed Diana’s face with her fingers, reveling in being able to touch her. She gave a slow smile at Diana’s softening expression. “Tell me your heart didn’t stop when you opened the door and I was standing there.” She felt Diana slide her arms about her, press against her. “Throw me out again, tell me there’s nothing between us and I won’t bother you again.”

Diana rubbed her face against Jessie’s shoulder. “I can’t.”

Jessie buried her face in Diana’s hair. Diana’s two words untied the knot in her heart she hadn’t even realized had been there.

“But I can’t have you either.” Diana stepped out of Jessie’s arms and stepped away from her.

Jessie gasped, in surprise, in shock and she reached out to recapture Diana.

“Don’t!” Diana said sharply and then her voice softened. “Please, Jessie. Don’t make this harder on either one of us.” She moved further out of reach. “You and I.” She shook her head. “It isn’t going to work. Too much has happened, too many complications. No matter how much either one of us wants it.”

“It will work,” Jessie cut in before Diana was too insistent. “We can make it work.”

Diana shook her head. “We can’t change who we are. There are too many complications.”

“We can deal with them,” Jessie protested. “We don’t need to change who we are. There aren’t so many complications. There’s nothing here we can’t deal with.”

Diana still shook her head. “Margaret always said I lost all common sense where you were concerned. This time I’m going to hold fast.”

“Diana,” Jessie pleaded. “Don’t. Please.” She couldn’t believe this. Just when she thought everything was finally coming together, Diana was ripping it apart. “Please, Diana. You made the choice before that there was nothing there for us. Look what happened.”

“Yeah.” Diana turned away, her back to Jessie. “I was in the right place at the right time to save your life.”

“And I appreciate that.” Jessie went and slid her arms around Diana. “And I’d like to tell you that every day.” She was encouraged when Diana didn’t break away, even leaned back against her. “You liked it before when I appreciated you, didn’t you?” She felt Diana yielding to her but this time she was cautious.

“Um-humm.” Diana gave a small sigh. “But I’ve changed, Jessie, in lots of ways. I don’t want to be a rolling stone anymore. I’ve had my fill of one-night stands and empty rooms in my lifetime. I want to matter to someone.”

“You matter to me.” Jessie cautiously ran her hand up and down Diana’s arm.

Diana went on like she hadn’t even heard her. “I want someone to come home to at night, someone to curl up with. I want a home where there’s love, not just a place to open my suitcase. I want someone there for me when I’m down, to share things with when I’m up. I want someone to miss me when I’m gone, to worry about me.”

“I worry about you,” Jessie coaxed. “Especially now when I know all these things about you.” She nuzzled Diana’s neck. “I’ve missed you.”

Diana shook her head again. She unwrapped Jessie’s arms and stepped away. “I thought—I thought I’d be over you, I could see you and there’d be nothing, and I could put you behind me. I’d be able to go on with my life, stop measuring everyone I met against you.” She turned around to face Jessie.

“I want those same things you do, Diana.”

Diana shook her head. “We’re not the same people anymore, Jessie. I’ve got more baggage now.” She took a deep breath, as if gathering her nerve. “For a long time, I’ve held on to the fantasy that you might be that someone, but…” She hesitated and then plowed on. “I need to give it up; it’s not going to happen. I need to get on with my life.”

“Why isn’t it going to happen? We want the same things. We love each other. At least you said you loved me once. Are you saying you don’t love me anymore? I know I love you.”

Diana closed her eyes, as if to shut out the sight of Jessie. “Jessie,” she began again. “It doesn’t matter how much we love each other. It isn’t going to work.”

Jessie laid a hand on Diana’s cheek to make her stop shaking her head. “Why can’t we?”

Diana gave a bitter laugh. “You’re a cop,” she pointed out as if Jessie might have forgotten. “Times may have changed so the police might accept dykes in their ranks but not with a lover like me. I might not have a record, but I’m always going to be suspect. That’s the biggest thing.”

Jessie carefully wrapped both arms around Diana and held her. This was going to be a jolt for her, something Jessie hadn’t been able to tell her before. “Well, you’re right; that might be a problem. If I were still a cop. Or if I wanted a job in law enforcement again.”

“If
what
?” Diana pulled back as if she hadn’t heard Jessie correctly.

“I turned in my resignation. I’m taking leave time so I don’t lose it. I’m on my way to Ocala for a job interview.”

“You—you did what!” Diana pushed back to look into Jessie’s face. “When? How? Why? But—why didn’t you tell me?”

“I told you, we still needed to talk.” Part of her was so amused and pleased she had been able to finally rattle Diana but at the same time, she knew this was going to open some serious discussion. When Diana pulled away yet again, Jessie released her. And then she waited.

“I don’t believe it.” Diana moved away from Jessie, moved around the living room, picked up her leather tote, put it down, picked it up again and looked at it like she didn’t recognize it. She took it into the bedroom, stripped off her vest and came back out. She paused long enough to look at Jessie and start to say something. Then she abruptly turned to go into the kitchen. “Can I get you some iced tea?”

“Sounds good.” Jessie recognized the impact the information had on Diana. She was going through all the normal everyday things in an effort to deal with it. Jessie had seen her do the same thing when Diana learned she was a cop. Ironic that learning Jessie wasn’t a cop was just as big a shock to Diana as learning she was.

“And take a seat,” Diana called from the kitchen over the rattle of glasses, the refrigerator door opening and shutting.

Jessie looked around and picked the loveseat, glancing at the coffee table covered with books, television schedules, the TV remote. She took off her jacket, folded it and laid it across the back of the loveseat. Then she removed her weapon and holster and laid them securely on the bookcase. She sat in the corner, wondering what Diana was going to say. At least, she consoled herself, Diana hadn’t thrown her out.

Diana brought the two glasses of iced tea. “Just like that,” she said abruptly as she handed Jessie the glass. “You get a wild hair and turn in your resignation and everything’s gonna be okay?”

Jessie didn’t answer right away, drank some of the iced tea. Diana took a seat on the loveseat but turned so she was facing Jessie.

Jessie carefully set the glass of tea down. Talking about this was going to be difficult for her but she needed to share this, and she had always been able to talk to Diana. “No, not ‘just like that.’ I had a lot of sleepless nights and gut-wrenching conversations. I even took a leave to decide just what I wanted to do and where my priorities were.” She changed position on the couch so she could face Diana. “It wasn’t just getting a wild hair and going off half-cocked. It took over a year to sort things out and really decide what I wanted to do and why.” She paused, thinking what an understatement she was making. “It was a hard decision.”

She waited, needing to hear what Diana had to say. Diana didn’t say anything. Jessie waited for what seemed like forever before she couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “So you see, we can have something together. We want the same things; we love each other. There aren’t as many problems as you think.”

“Did you do this because of me?” Diana sounded a little more sympathetic.

Jessie shook her head.

“Then why?” Diana frowned, leaned forward. “Law enforcement is in your blood.”

Jessie hesitated. She’d had to tell lots of people she was leaving. “Why” was a constant question except from other cops. She had multiple answers. “A lot of reasons,” she said slowly, not sure how she could explain it to Diana. She looked away and didn’t meet Diana’s gaze. Finally she shrugged. “Been shot, kidnapped, threatened with torture. Seemed to be pushing my luck. Time to get out.”

Diana said nothing.

It was a simple, maybe superficial answer, Jessie realized. Part of her hoped Diana would accept it at face value. Another part of her wished she wouldn’t. “Maybe I’m burnt out,” Jessie continued slowly. “Maybe arguing with Julie all the time about police work took its toll. Maybe I don’t feel the same about it. Maybe I’m just tired.”

“A lot of maybes. Maybe none of them are the reason.”

“I am tired,” Jessie defended herself, looking back at Diana. “Cops get burnt out all the time.”

Diana nodded. They did. They both knew that. Suddenly Diana reached out and took hold of Jessie’s hand. She moved closer to Jessie, held Jessie’s hand between her two warm hands. “What happened, Jessie? Tell me what really made you decide.” She rubbed the back of Jessie’s hand to give reassurance, brought it up to her cheek. All the time, she watched Jessie’s face.

Jessie’s gaze finally slid away but she gave a lingering caress before she withdrew her hand. Diana still understood her, even after all these years, even on such a thing as this. “It seemed like nothing,” she said finally. “There was a bank robbery. Four guys. Coordinated. They split up and hit two banks at the same time.” She paused. “We tracked them down to one of the old warehouses out off Versailles Road. One took off and this rookie and I were chasing him. Anyway, he got away. So we were searching and I found him, called for backup.” She stopped there.

“They didn’t come,” Diana supplied.

Jessie took a deep breath. “No, they came. There had been a smash-up, the first car got hit coming through an intersection—just a stupid, run-of-the-mill accident, so there was a delay, but there were others and we got the guy, got the money back. Got the conviction.” She took a deep breath. “I just had a panic attack, just knew they weren’t going to back me up, were going to leave me out there hanging at some point.”

“Ahhhh.” Diana understood.“Why would they do that?”

Jessie drank some tea. “The whole investigation of the kidnapping,” Jessie said slowly. “Julie and I told everything—except the past relationship. That never came out.” She gave a rueful laugh. “God knows, there were enough other things to keep the investigators busy.” She sobered, glancing at Diana and then looking away. She didn’t want to watch her expression. She didn’t want her to think she was ashamed of their relationship but there were—how did she term it? Complications. “The investigators went over it and over it; they knew there was something. Yet everything was right there. You’d been in contact with the Feds, you didn’t want to be party to a cop killing, you were keeping Julie safe because of her taking care of your father. If anything, they saw it as Julie being rescued and I just happened to be along. And we didn’t dissuade them of the idea.” She looked up at Diana. “That was the official story.”

“And the unofficial?”

“Some collusion. For some unknown reason. I heard about everything, from you were deep undercover, hence the tip-offs in the past, to the idea that we had a torrid sexual free-for-all during the time at the cabin.”

Diana had to chuckle. Sex had been about the last thing they had been thinking of while they waited for her papa’s death.

“But no one really knew anything and business went on as usual. It was just…I guess…I’d hear all those stories. Okay, you always hear stories, no matter what you do; it gets blown out of proportion. Cops aren’t any different about gossip than anyone else and lesbians on the force always have some story spinning around them. The change was in me. I had never doubted they would be there to back me up until that day. It was like something moved within me, some surety wasn’t there anymore. And I didn’t know how to get it back.”

She looked up at Diana and she felt the loss all over again. Beliefs were the core of the work. You had to trust your team. Diana knew enough to know that, didn’t she?

Jessie ran her hands through her hair. “Peterson retired, his heart was an issue. New partner. And then there was you.”

“What about me?”

Jessie looked up at her, feeling the conflict all over again. “What was I supposed to do about you? I wanted you; I loved you for years. We had a relationship—all right, it was a haphazard one, but it was there. And all that time, I never picked up on anything. What kind of cop was I to miss all that?”

“There was nothing to pick up on, Jessie. I wasn’t doing anything. I was going to school. I was running a legal business.”

“You were doing favors for your father!”

“There was nothing illegal about sitting in and watching a trial, nothing illegal about examining books of a legitimate business.” Diana kept her voice calm like she had gone over this a thousand times before. She probably had.

No, she supposed not, Jessie thought. Yet it still bothered her. Jessie pursed her lips, her eyes narrowed but she said nothing more.

“Jessie, I’m tainted, there’s always going to be guilt by association. But I can’t help the family I was born into any more than you can.”

Jessie looked up at the ceiling, regaining some of her composure. “I couldn’t stay in if I didn’t trust the people I worked with,” she said finally, turning back to Diana. “And I couldn’t stay if I wanted to pursue anything with you. I didn’t even know how you felt except at the cabin you said you loved me. I just knew I had to find out and I couldn’t do it as a cop. So when Broadrick asked if I knew anyone who might be interested in a security position, I said I was.” She turned back to Diana, defiant and vulnerable, braced to deal with anything Diana might possibly say.