Lexan's Pledge (Starbright Novellas) (6 page)

I don’t look at him when I answer. “Yes.”

“Good. I’ll see you on Monday.”

I nod and gather my books, blinking back the panic that fights me every time I allow myself to think this might all be real.

When I arrive in our classroom, Anan is announcing to everyone that Dian, the girl he’s been after, has accepted his promise for Choosing Day. I clap him on the back in congratulations, truly happy. Isa smiles a little as she listens, and I’m glad to see there seem to be no lingering feelings between them. The partnering process sometimes leaves someone out, and I was worried about Anan after she decided to choose Dalen.

Renata enters and the class starts off innocently enough, with a brief discussion of how the vocations were initially divided between each astrological sign, limiting how many choices each individual has. We learn parts of this same history each year, progressing gradually towards an analysis of the effectiveness of the system. Most students assume it is effective, and only approach the topic from that angle.

But today is different, and I can sense it in the air before it starts - an uncomfortable warmth. “Has anyone ever been born under the wrong sign?” Trea asks, and the room goes silent.

“No!” Renata barks out, too quickly. “Of-of course not! How could that even be possible?”

I’m not satisfied with her brush-off answer, and I doubt Trea is either. But scanning the room, I can tell nobody else is interested now that Renata has moved back to her notes. They probably just thought Trea would get in trouble for such a question - my classmates would never dream that there might be another answer.

But I know it’s possible, even if this knowledge makes me a hypocrite in my ministry.

Mother and Father told me once how they pushed Aitan into the world too quickly, not even knowing he was a boy, hoping he would be the baby to begin the prophecy. They believe that this resulted in his being born under the wrong sign, and I believe it’s made him into the person he is now. Part Aries. Part Pisces.

Half fire and half water, and wholly at odds with himself.

They’ve never admitted to doing the same with Pasia or me, but I’m sure there are other stories like Aitan’s.

I notice Trea is watching me, and I try to smooth the frown from my face. She actually looks concerned, and I can’t help but wonder what that means. Does she know something too, and that’s why she asked such a risky question? Or is it possible that she might actually care about something I’m feeling - even in the smallest way?

As the day stretches on forever, I find surprising bright spots in smiles from Trea. Something is changing in her attitude towards me, and I have no idea why.

* * *

The next morning I get to sleep a little later before heading to the Ministration Room to help Saloman prepare for the monthly Gathering. He gives me a list of supplies to gather and a stack of papers to hand copy, then disappears into his office to write his ministration.

The day is long but blessedly free from conflict and questions - I find the relief of solitude in my list of chores, and I embrace the quiet around me.

When I finally make it home, Mother already has dinner ready. We chat about the day’s preparations, but I can tell something is bothering her. I stop talking for a few minutes to give her time to open up.

“I need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to be angry,” Mother says, her eyes fixed on her fingers.

“What is it?” I ask, biting into my bread to ignore the tight feeling in my lungs.

“I talked to Trea today when she was helping with the Growing Rooms. I asked her to help you.”

“Help me?” I almost laugh, the opposite of Mother’s expectation. “Why would she want to help me, and with what?”

“I asked her to help you train. She’s been meeting with Brenn after regular training. I want you to have that too. Lex, you need to know as much as you can. As many fighting styles and weapons as we have access to. There’s a conflict coming. Danger. I can sense it. I dream of it every night, like I used to dream of your father’s death.”

“Mother—”

“No, Lexan. You need this. Not just for self-defense. But I’ve seen how you’re slipping.” She pauses for a brief moment and I lose my breath completely when her eyes flick up to mine, then away. “You’re retreating back into your depression. And I can’t pull you out this time. I’m not strong enough anymore.”

I turn away from her, trying to shove my hurt back inside the black place I keep locked at all times. Still, I know it’s just as difficult for Mother to say it as it is for me to hear it.

I can’t go back to that place, and she’s right: lately I’ve noticed how I can see it again in the corner of my mind, every time I close my eyes. An open door, with a sucking wind tunnel just on the other side. If I get too close one day, I could be yanked inside and lost again, like I was several years ago.

Father and Mother and Sanfred pulled me back to sanity then, and eventually we discovered that the unbearable emotions were directly tied to my secret power manifesting itself. Sanfred experimented with gradually lowering my medications, and Father and Mother helped me practice my power every day. Even so, it was the worst year of my life.

I can’t go through that again.

“Okay. I’ll do it.” I tap my fingers on the table without rhythm.

“Good, because I also found Brenn today and asked him to help,” Mother says, smiling up me now, with a soft look in her eyes. “You’ll start Monday.”

I sigh and run my hands through my hair. Trea is
not
going to be happy about this.

January 15, 2067

Charles asked me to meet him in the market today, and he brought his solar car. I’ve never ridden in one before - it’s so quiet that I felt like I wasn’t even moving. But we drove a long way before stopping on an abandoned road in the middle of the cold forest. I probably should have been scared, but Charles makes me feel safe no matter what is happening.

He showed me a massive cave he convinced his father to purchase a few years ago - it used to be a state park, but there was some sort of safety issue and it had to be closed. Since then, Charles has been secretly adding things and changing it, making it into a sort of community safe house - one larger and more permanent than I could have ever imagined.

He says it is where we will go together soon, and wait for the world to end and begin again.

from First Leader Lakessa’s private journal

included in Firene’s secret papers

Just once, I wish I could skip a Gathering. But Mother makes sure I go, following me the whole way before I find a seat next to Anan, and she sits with Pasia and Lennon.

I assume the pose of thoughtful prayer and meditation - head bowed, shoulders hunched slightly, hands folded beneath my chin. The picture of piety and respect.

Luckily for me, this pose is also very conducive to a drowsy sort of sleep.

I half-listen as the entertainers go through some memorial service and sing a mournful song. Then Saloman prattles on about faith and love and staying strong for each other.

I think, anyways.

The group of Leaders taking the stage wakes me up a little, and I watch them file forward, wondering if I would have chosen that vocation, if Aitan hadn’t.

Everything would be so different now if just one choice had been changed.

Perhaps that’s the difference between fate and free will.

Keirna waves the other Leaders to their seats and takes her place at the front. She’s not a large woman, but her eyes and voice seem to fill the room as she recites a short speech about Choosing Day. I recognize Aitan’s wording. He’s always been good at writing her canned comments for these sorts of events. I’m barely paying attention again when Anan shoves at my shoulder.

“Hey, wake up. She said there’s a punishment.”

I sit up straighter, wondering who it is and what they are accused of. I remember reading once about how they did punishments before the Sickness - with long trials and lots of people involved in the decision.

Here in Asphodel it’s only Keirna. So people are a lot more obedient, and a lot more careful about how and why they disobey.

If someone broke a rule, there was a good reason.

Two protectors emerge from a hallway, each holding an arm of a small woman. I search her face, but she isn’t familiar. She looks a little frightened, but she holds her head up, looking dispassionately at our upturned faces.

“This woman,” First Leader Keirna begins, “is accused of stealing from the store in which she works. We propose that her punishment be confinement in a public cell until the money she stole is repaid with community donations, plus a Level Three punishment of two weeks’ confinement. Are there any objections?”

The people around me are already losing interest, now that they know it’s just stealing. No crime is common here, but stealing is perhaps the most often punished one. Anan starts to lean in to ask me something, but I hold my hand up, seeing a flash of red hair a few rows up.

Surely she wouldn’t.

“Please, First Leader, how much did she steal?” Her voice rings out through the crowd, and my throat constricts too tightly for air to enter. Why in Hades is Trea questioning Keirna? Does she
want
to make everything harder for us? Is she desperate to die?

“Sixty-four points,” Keirna answers, her glare nearly palpable as she sweeps her eyes over Trea, then over the rest of the crowd.

I hear a few murmurs of consent, and someone behind me whispers, “That’s only enough for Level Two,” before they are shushed by another person.

Keirna raises her hand for silence and gets it immediately. Keirna’s cruelty has touched all of our lives in some way - some large and some small. “Are there any
other
objections?”

As a group, the crowd says, “Let it be done.”

I feel bad for the woman who has become the subject of Keirna’s anger for now, but I can barely focus on that. All I can think about is Trea, and how I could possibly protect someone that daring. Her mouth will get us both killed one day - and that day is approaching even faster with each act of insubordination.

I ignore the scattering people and stay locked in my seat, a heavy haze of despondency keeping my limbs still.

After a few minutes, Anan circles back to me, obviously concerned.

"Your girl is acting a little different today,” he says as he sits beside me again.

I glance out to the dancers, where his finger points. Trea is dancing with Pallis. I groan as I watch him grope her lower back like the idiot he is.

“Not my girl yet,” I sigh, and Anan laughs.

“Maybe you need to change that,” he answers. “Give her something to remember you by.”

“What would you do?” I ask to pass the time.

“Dance with any girl I could find. Get in her way. Make her watch me with other girls.”

I shake my head. Idiot. “That only works if she already cares.” And she doesn’t, or this thing with Tella would have stirred up a load of Styx.

“She cares. Maybe not about you yet. But about something related. Figure it out.” He pushes up and waves to Dian, motioning that they should dance.

Everyone has advice to give me, but none of it will work if I can’t get Trea to even look at me. Right now she’s wearing Pallis out - if I squint my eyes it looks like her hair is a streak of flames chasing them around the room. Her energy is expanding rather than running down, as though she’s a ball of fire feeding on the surrounding oxygen.

I need to talk to her before she explodes something. With my luck, throwing fireballs is her secret power and she’ll figure it out tonight.

Glancing around the room, I catch Garna’s eye, and she raises her eyebrows, then nods towards the dance floor. She’s always been a good distraction. Flirty without truly expecting anything from me.

I shrug and walk her way.

After that first dance, it seems like the girls come from nowhere and I have plenty of dance partners. I don’t even talk to most of them, just smile and let them ramble on. I even tolerate Tella for a couple of the slower dances. A few times I spot Trea giving Pallis the time of his life. And a few times she sees me watching and glares.

She must care about something. What in Hades is it? Then a realization breaks through and I forget to dance for a second. The girl in my arms blinks up at me, startled, but I just smile halfway and shrug, stepping back into the rhythm.

She cared about the woman, and the punishment. Was that because the punishment was too strenuous for the crime - it wasn’t just? Perhaps the fallen star inside her memory calls for justice like the one inside me calls for balance?

Maybe she’ll talk to me if I do something to balance the injustice of the shopkeeper’s plight. But that hope flees as soon as it came: anything I could try would be viewed as a direct attack on Keirna’s authority. And therefore punishable.

Trea will be lucky if she avoids any sort of retaliation from Keirna after questioning her in public. Anger begins to wind through my body as I think about how little she cares for her own safety - and therefore for Asphodel’s future. If she
can
remember the fallen star she once was, then she’s trying everything to deny who she really is.

She isn’t a believer, and that suddenly makes me furious with a raging sort of despair. Who cares if she doesn’t get a choice in this nightmare - none of us do. My father didn’t have a choice. My mother didn’t have a choice. Firene didn’t have a choice.

Trea isn’t as special as she thinks she is.

Suddenly the girl in my arms stops short, tripping over her feet, and I realize Trea is standing in front of us, blocking our progress.

“May I?” Trea directs the question to the girl, but she’s glaring at me.

My own anger is now so strong I can barely see, and I don’t waste a second before hauling her amongst the dancing couples, even though my body takes the time to notice how small she feels against me. She seems a little unsure of herself - an emotion that she’s obviously uncomfortable with.