Leverage (16 page)

I woke with a start, my heart thrashing in my chest. I bolted upright and threw my legs over the edge of the sofa as I scrubbed the grit of sleep from my eyes. Nearly impossible when I’d hardly slept, and it wasn’t the damn sofa that made it so, either, though the fact it was a foot shorter than me certainly didn’t help.

No, it was Hannah who kept me up late then haunted my dreams like a ghost. But she’d felt so real. Her hands, her lips, her body sheathing mine—so bittersweet—because no matter how true the memory, I knew it wasn’t real.

My joints popped when I stood, and I groaned as my muscles protested the sudden stretching of my limbs and back, not to mention my neck, which felt perpetually twisted at a ninety degree angle. But even the discomfort, as bothersome as it was, couldn’t chase away the unease that flittered through my stomach like butterflies.

That feeling had become a permanent fixture in my core as of late, like there was all this extra room inside me now. I felt incomplete, half of me missing, and what remained couldn’t function on its own. It wasn’t an unfamiliar sensation. I’d been here before, and all the old habits and cravings associated with that came into sharp focus, while everything else pushed to the periphery and blurred.

I kept a small collection of liquor in the corner of my construction trailer, for those times when the client came by to celebrate the completion of a project or the granting of a long-embattled permit. I kept one bottle half-filled with water, my own little secret. No one ever questioned it. They all assumed it was vodka. But tonight, it stood empty, while the others danced temptingly before me like harem girls beckoning me to peek beneath their veils.

Come to me. I’ll help you forget. You know I can. I’ve done it so many times before. It doesn’t have to hurt anymore. Just take a drink, one small sip...

That voice clamored so loud, I couldn’t even remember pulling the stop from the decanter, or pouring the tequila into the stubby lowball glass. But there it was, my old friend, the amber devil, staring me in the eye after all this time.

How many times had I heeded its call, had I given in to the temptation to simply
not feel
? Because that was it, really, what brought me to this point, that pain, that loneliness, that undeniable knowledge that I had destroyed
everything
most precious in my life.

I feared that knowledge and ached to reject it in the quickest way possible. The amber devil had always granted me that wish, and oh, how I wanted it to yet again. For just one moment, just an hour, just this single evening. I wanted that drink. I
needed
that drink.

I peered down into the devil’s face and saw my past reflected back at me, all the weeks and months I’d spent drunk, scheming my vengeance, releasing my wrath against an innocent woman—Hannah. And then there was Nick, my troublesome little brother, who’d kept everything a secret in order to protect me. He’d sacrificed his life in our father’s name so that I might live.

And that pretty much summed it all up. I was half a man without Jill. I was half a man without Nick. And now, half a man without Hannah. What did that make me but a speck of humanity?

I tried to reconcile that with the man I once was, before I ever married Jill or Hannah. I relished my independence back then, which was why I’d tried so hard to disengage my brother from my life. I’d wanted to find out what it was like to be just me, on my own, with no one else to shape the boundaries of who or what I was. But over time, Nick and Jill had become enduring components in my life, and most certainly maneuvered the tools that cut and contoured the man I’d become.

After dealing with the crap that had consumed my world following their deaths, I thought I’d finally pulled myself together, and with Hannah a daily reminder of both my failings and my resurrection, I believed I’d come full circle. But no, I hadn’t. I was living, breathing proof you could never truly leave your past behind. It clung like a shadow, at times unseen, but never farther than my reach, always dark, forever uncontainable.

That’s what looked back up at me from that glass—that shadow.

My past.

“
Fuck!
” I screamed and hurled the glass across the room.

It shattered against the trailer door so hard, it atomized in the stark morning sunlight. I sunk to my knees on the dingy beige carpet. No matter how much time went by, I’d never be able to shed the weight of the terrible things I’d done. How could I possibly expect Hannah to bury that all away? We could either allow it to divide us or acknowledge and live with it.

I didn’t want to go back to that man living separate from those around him. I wanted to restore, as fully as possible, what I used to have with the one person in this world who knew and accepted me, sins and all, who saw the flaws and loved me just the same. I only prayed she could get past this last offense. I’d abandoned her before, twice. It had nearly broken her then. I hoped it wasn’t too late, now, and I could somehow put the pieces of her heart back together again.

Without even changing my shirt, I grabbed my keys and jumped into my truck. The drive home from my jobsite trailer in North Seattle seemed interminable with hectic morning commuters and more start-and-stop school buses than I’d ever seen before. Every single one of those fifty-seven minutes felt more like an hour, giving me more time than I wanted to think about how stupid I’d been to leave Hannah.

Besides missing her, I could’ve put her at even greater risk. I still didn’t have any solid information on Katy or Leo, or know if they were somehow connected to the
Bratva
. Everyone was suspect as far as I was concerned, even our overly friendly next-door neighbor. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t like the way he looked at Hannah, with his moony eyes and stoop-shouldered posture, like he was purposely trying to appear non-threatening. But I knew better. I’d caught a different look that morning he’d watched us through the kitchen window. He was weaseling himself into Hannah’s life. I didn’t want him to have the opportunity to offer himself up in my stead one more time.

I pulled into the driveway and parked. Roman was out mowing his lawn and cut the engine when I jumped out of my truck. He wiped a red bandana across his sweaty forehead then patted his lips dry. We stared at each other, neither of us giving any indication as to how we felt, until I tipped my head and offered a small smile as a peace offering. Roman continued to stare for another moment then waved as he glanced, for one brief second, over my shoulder.

Slamming the car door shut, I turned, and there was Hannah at the edge of the front porch, her hands clasped together and pressed to her mouth. She absolutely took my breath away, so beautiful, and so radiant in the last months of her bloom. No matter how far along she got, pregnancy definitely agreed with her. It put a rosy glow on her cheeks and a gleam in her eye. She closed her eyes and tipped her head back with a sigh, and I raced to close the last twenty feet separating us.

Hannah nearly bowled me over when she leapt from the top step right into my arms. She would’ve wrapped her legs around me had her swollen belly allowed it, but I settled for a chokehold about my neck. She felt so damn good. I tucked my face into the crook of her neck and inhaled as I spun her around in a single turn, muffling my cries into the long, thick folds of her hair. Our shoulders quaked in unison, and we just stood there, swaying back and forth in each other’s embrace.

“I’m so sorry, love,” I finally managed to choke out. “Please forgive me.”

Her head shook against my chest. “No, it’s all my fault. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

We finally pulled apart long enough to look each other in the eye. With both hands, I pushed away the hair stuck to her tear-stained face then pressed my mouth to hers. God, she tasted even sweeter than I remembered.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I said and kissed the tip of her nose. “I’ve been such an ass.” A kiss to one cheek. “Please, forgive me.” And one to the other. “I love you.” Back to her mouth. It seemed to beckon me, and I couldn’t resist the call.

She giggled and tucked her chin in. “We’re putting on quite a show for the neighbors.”

“Who cares? Let ‘em watch,” I replied and dove in for another kiss.

Hannah broke into full laughter and smacked me on the arm. “Ty, stop,” she protested and turned to peek over her shoulder with the brightest smile I ever could’ve hoped for.

I followed her gaze, and together, we nodded at Roman who continued to stare at our gushing display. I spun Hannah toward the house and threw an arm over her shoulder. She laced her fingers through mine, and we drifted like newlyweds up the front walk.

Just as we took the first step up, I heard a quiet voice behind me and turned to see Roman walking up his own front steps with his phone to his ear, mumbling something about a problem before he closed his front door behind him.

Greg paced slow, measured circles around me as I knelt on my living room floor.

Toe to heel, step after step, over and over and around he went.

“I presume you have the proper amount of respect for the position you’re now in, do you not, Mr. Maguire?”

Toe to heel, toe to heel, step after step.

“And you understand there won’t be any outside communication of any kind?”

His fingers drummed against his thighs, his gaze fixed upon my face.

“No sharing of proprietary information.”

Toe to heel, again and again.

Click, scuff, click, scuff...

Then he stopped. Bent down. Eyes boring into me.

“And we won’t have any issues when I next require your assistance. Correct, Mr. Maguire?”

I remained silent, too shocked to speak. I couldn’t even look at him. I just stared past him, paralyzed by fear, until I was suddenly hauled up against the wall by three hundred pounds of bullish muscle. My feet dangled six inches off the floor as my fingers twisted around Janek’s wrist, trying to claw his crushing hands free from my throat.

Greg slithered up behind Jan and peered around his shoulder.

“Correct, Mr. Maguire?” he urged again.

With the air choked from my lungs, all I could manage was a slight nod. Jan released me and stepped away. I tumbled to my knees on the floor where I sputtered and heaved. The tips of Greg’s shiny black dress shoes appeared beneath my nose, and I heard him chuckle from above.

“That’s what I thought,” he said.

When I finally caught my breath, I sat back on my heels, my hand to my throat while tears of pain, fear, and shame rolled down my face. I finally locked eyes with Greg.

“What is it you want from me?” I begged.

“Ah, well, you’ll find out soon enough, my friend, very soon indeed.”

With his hands at his hips, he snorted and shook his head, then motioned for Jan to follow him to the door. He opened it and let his man through first, but turned back and looked at me. He lifted the Giants baseball cap from his head and glanced at it with a sly grin.

“Here,” he announced as he tossed it my way. “You’re a Bay Area boy, are you not? You probably have more use for this than I. Enjoy it, Mr. Maguire.”

And without another word, he left.

I released a sharp cry, dropped my head to my hands, and bowed down onto the carpet. There wasn’t one inch of my flesh that wasn’t shaking. I pounded both fists on the floor.

“Fuck!” I screamed and let myself cry for exactly one minute.

Then I wiped my face dry, stood, and started to pace back and forth. My living room felt like a cage, and I an imprisoned animal. I kept my eyes pinned to the floor as Katy whimpered from her seat on the sofa.

“What the hell are we gonna do, K? I mean, these people, they’re fucking monsters. They’re goddamn killers, for Christ’s sake. What am I supposed to do?” I quickened my pace as I recalled Greg’s words. Then I stopped and turned to Katy. “Holy shit. They fucking killed Leo.
And
Steve. Jesus Christ!”

She didn’t respond. She just sat there with her arms crossed over her lap, rocking back and forth. I scrambled to the couch and knelt down at her side.

“You were there, Katy, in Leo’s room the night he died.” I grabbed her hands. “That was Greg up there that night, wasn’t it?”

She kept rocking, but shook her head. “No, I swear, it wasn’t him. It wasn’t.”

I pushed her hands away and struggled to my feet. “Yes, it was! You know him, don’t you? You’ve been hiding shit and lying to me all this goddamn time, haven’t you? You
know
that sonofabitch!”

She continued to shake her head as she stood and reached for me. “No, Conner, please. I don’t know him, I swear. You’re wrong!”

With my hands drawn up, I pulled away, my mouth twisted in disgust. “Don’t you fucking touch me,” I spat and started pacing again. “Ty was right. I can’t believe a word you say.” I stopped and pointed toward the door. “How did you get a passkey to McCarty?” I asked.

“I was a resident, for God’s sake.”

“No, you weren’t. You weren’t even a student at the U-Dub, were you?”

“What?” she screeched. “That’s crazy! Why would you even ask me that?”

“Because my stepfather had you investigated, that’s why. I was worried when I went into rehab and couldn’t get a hold of you or find you anywhere.”

“Oh, so you called Daddy Dearest? ‘Cause he’s so fucking trustworthy, right?”

“Ty was trying to help me! You just…disappeared.”

“And Mr. Mom is a detective, now, is he?”

I stormed up into her face. “No, godammit. He sicced some dickhead fed on your ass. A real pro.”

Katy’s brow rose high. “Fed?” she repeated.

“Yeah, as in the FBI. He’s the one who said you didn’t live at McCarty, that you were never even admitted to the U-Dub.”

“And you met this guy, this fed? He told you this himself?”

“No, he told Ty, and Ty told me.”

“Oh, so now you believe that asshole over me? You hate him, Conner. You said you couldn’t trust him, that he’d done some shit to your mom or something. Why would you trust him now? Why believe a word
he
says?”

Her words had the ring of truth to them. I clamped my jaw firm and stared at Katy. She took a step closer.

“Conner, I can’t believe you’d take his word over mine. After everything we’ve been through. You know me, inside and out, but you don’t know shit about that guy your mom married. You told me that so many times.” She closed the remaining space between us and put her hand on my arm. “He’s lying to you. I was a student there. I did have a room at McCarty. Why would I lie about that? What would I have to gain? And what good would it do me? It’s ridiculous. Your stepfather’s a nutcase.”

I pulled my arm from her grasp. “And what about Greg, huh?”

She snorted and crossed her arms. “What about him?”

“Katy, I saw him that night. I told you. The guy with the baseball cap.”

“Oh God, Conner, really? That could’ve been anyone.”

“But it wasn’t. I knew I knew Greg from somewhere. Ever since that first day I met him. There was something about him. It was those beady black eyes of his. And when he talked about Leo and put that hat on. I knew. I just knew.” I turned and stepped away. “You were up there with them, arguing. How did Leo know Greg, Katy? How are they connected? And why would he kill him?” I whirled to face her again.

She shook her head one more time. “Conner, I loved Leo. You know that. I wouldn’t lie about this. Yes, he was arguing with some guy, but…it wasn’t Greg. I swear. I don’t know who that was, and I don’t know anything about whoever it was you saw up on Leo’s balcony when he fell. I’m sorry. You’ve been really messed up since Leo died. We both have. I just think it’s been too much. And your stepfather is fucking with you. He’s the one you shouldn’t trust.”

I turned and walked to the kitchen. “Please, just…shut up, all right? I need to think.”

“Yeah, you do, about people you think you can trust, but are actually lying to you.”

“Katy, please…”

“And what about Nova?”

“She’s got nothing to do with this. I’ve barely seen her since you were attacked.”

“Still, she’s the one who got you involved with that guy, Greg. She got you that gig, then the job, hooked you up with all her friends, the same people who got you sucked into whatever mess you’re in with your boss. It all leads back to that bitch, Nova!”

I put my hands to my head. “Would you fucking stop?” I screamed.

“
Me
stop? Are you kidding me? Conner, those bastards could kill us! God only knows what that shit they shoved up my nose is doing to the baby right now,” she wailed and rubbed her hands over her baby bump.

I slid both hands to my face and sobbed for my child. Katy approached and pulled my hands away.

“Conner, we aren’t safe here. They’re gonna use me and the baby to get to you. We have to leave, go hide somewhere.”

“Where? Where can we hide where they won’t find us? And when they do…” I shook my head and resumed pacing. “No. I need to stay here and pacify Greg for the time being.”

“And when you fuck up again, Conner? What’s he gonna do to me, and the baby, your child? I’m not paying for your sins. Whatever it is between you two, I don’t want to get caught in the middle again.” She stormed off to the bathroom and started to gather her things.

I chased after her. “What are you doing?”

She scooped everything up and brought it into the bedroom where she dumped it onto the bed. Then she pulled a duffle bag from the closet and threw it up on the bed, as well, stuffing it with her clothes and shoes.

“Katy, stop. What are you doing? Where are you going?” I reached out and tried to stop her, but she was determined and pulled away, so I began to yank her clothes back out of the bag. “Katy, no. You’re safer here with me where I can at least keep an eye on you.”

“The hell I am!” she yelled in my face. “That gorilla could’ve stuffed an entire bottle of Drano down my throat and there wouldn’t have been a goddamn thing you could’ve done to stop him. You’re crazy if you think otherwise!”

She was right, and I crumpled to the edge of the bed. I covered my face again, ashamed to admit I was too weak to protect her. Katy sighed then sat down beside me. She slipped her arm through mine and tilted her head against my shoulder.

“Babe, I’m sorry. I don’t blame you. I’m just really scared. I can’t stay here, wondering when they’re gonna come for us. Our baby deserves a chance.”

I agreed with a nod and scrubbed my hands over my face. “Okay. You’re right. Of course. Um…”

I looked around, trying to think of a way out of this mess, a way to protect Katy while I attempted to fix the situation. I didn’t know what or who to believe. I felt I only had one person I could truly trust without question. With a double hand-slap to my thighs, I stood and pulled my phone from my back pocket.

“What are you doing? Who the hell are you calling?” Katy asked.

“My mom.”

Katy jumped up. “Your mom? Are you insane? What about your stepfather?”

“Far as I know, he’s still crashing at his jobsite. I’m not sure what’s up with them. All I do know is, I trust my mother implicitly. I’ll try to keep Ty out of this, but right now, the most important thing is to get you the hell away from here. I won’t let Greg use you or the baby as leverage to get to me. I won’t.”

“Well…what are you gonna say exactly? I mean, how much are you gonna tell her?”

“I’m just gonna ask if you can stay with her for a while. Greg doesn’t know anything about my family, so—”

“What about Nova? What have you told her?”

“Nothing. There’s no way he’ll be able to find you. You’ll be safe until I can sell my car and pay Greg, hopefully get him off my back.”

She thought it over for a moment then nodded. I walked out of my bedroom, dialed the phone, and waited.

“Hi, sweetheart,” my mom answered brightly. “How’re you?” She sounded happy. Something must’ve changed.

“Hey, Mom. What’s up? You sound...different.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“I’m asking, aren’t I?”

“Yes, well…it’s Tyler. He came home this morning.”

Crap. Already a complication.

“Conner? You there?”

“Uh…yeah, sorry. I’m here. It’s just…I have a few things on my mind.”

“If you’d just let me give you some—”

“No, Mom, that’s not it. Listen…without getting into a lot personal crap, I’d like to ask you a favor.”

“You know I’ll help you any way I can.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not really for me though. I mean, it is, but…it’s really more for Katy.”

“Katy? Is she okay? Is it the baby?”

And there it was, the opening I was hoping for. I jumped on it, though I felt guilty as hell for it.

“Yeah, Mom, actually it is. She’s been sick a lot, and I’m working all the time and can’t be around to help her out as much as she needs. I’m worried about her. She’s not eating well, and she gets dizzy all the time. She passed out while I was gone and couldn’t get to the phone. Anything could’ve have happened to her or the baby.”

“Has she seen an obstetrician?”

“Yeah, sure, but there’s nothing really wrong with her. It’s just, I’ve got class five days a week, my commitments at Rush Hour, that’s gigs four nights and dishwashing the other three, plus work-study. I can’t be here all the time, you know, to make sure she takes care of herself, so…” I paused, unsure how to tactfully broach the subject. “Mom, I was hoping Katy could stay with you for the next few weeks, just until the end of the quarter. My class schedule will change and my shifts along with it, so I’ll be home a lot more.”

She sighed, long and loud, not a good sign.

“Mom, please, I just need help getting over this hump. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t really need it. You know that.”

“Yes, I do know that, and
I
don’t really have a problem with it. It’s just…”

“Ty might,” I finished for her. “Could you talk to him about it, convince him to let her stay? She can use my room, and I’ll come by as often as I can. I just need to know she’s in good hands, that
my baby
is in good hands. It’s your grandchild, Mom. Please.” I didn’t need to fake the choking little sob at the end. It was the real thing.

“Oh, Conner…yes, of course, if that’s what you need. I’ll talk to Ty. Just give me tonight, and I’ll call you in the morning, okay? We’ll figure this out.”

I couldn’t answer for a moment. My throat was too tight. But I finally choked out a “Thanks, Mom. I love you,” before hanging up.

Then I collapsed in a heap on the bed and cried for having lied to my mother yet again.