Letting Go of You (Anchored Hearts #2) (26 page)

She huffed as she stood and put her plate in the sink.  “I wish I had someone who looked at me the way you two look at each other.  Don’t be a fool.”  She walked up the stairs and I soon heard the guest bedroom door close. 

Were they both right?  Was I doomed to be alone forever?  Was I a fool?  Maybe it was all of the above.

~ CASSIDY ~

When I got
home from the dress fitting with Jane, I broke down in tears.  Her dress was beautiful and she looked amazing in it.  I had picked the dress that I would wear and the thought of standing at the altar next to my brother as James stood next to Jane terrified me.  I couldn’t do it.  Not with things between us like they were.  Briefly I contemplated going to the penthouse and begging him to take me back.  He could keep his secrets, I didn’t care anymore.  I just wanted him.  But I couldn’t do it.

The
next morning there was a knock on the door which caused me to jump and my heart leapt. 
James!
  It had to be him.  I opened the door saying his name, but it wasn’t him.  Paul immediately looked at me with concern in his eyes.  Leaving the door open for him, I went and sat on the couch and buried my head in my hands. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?  What did he do now?”

Lifting my head, sniffling, I replied, “That’s just it.  He’s done nothing.  He’s stopped all contact.  What’s wrong with me?  Why is he doing this to me?”

Paul sat down next to me and pulled me into his side.  “He’s an idiot, Cassidy.  He doesn’t know the full weight of losing you, but he will.”

There was another knock on the door and before Paul was able to answer it, Cal walked in.  He saw Paul and immediately saw red.  He shoved Paul back yelling, “She’s married.  I told you to stay away from her.”

“And I told you, maybe somebody should remind James of that.
  Look at her.” 

Cal looked to me and took in my appearance.  I was a basket case of emotion, even I knew that.  “Cassidy, what’s going on?”

“He, I, it’s complicated.”

Paul was pacing a path in the floor.  “Isn’t it obvious?  He’s left her.”

“What?”  Cal made me look at him.  “Cassidy what happened.”

“It’s complicated.”  I tried to form more words, but I couldn’t do it.  Cal stood up and exchanged a few words with Paul I couldn’t hear.  “Cal, please let it go.”

“I will not.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to UN-complicate it.”  Cal stormed out the door and I knew where he was headed. 

“Paul you have to stop him.”

“I will not.  I’m sorry I’m going to miss it.”

“What is
it with you fucking men?”  I stomped up the stairs yelling at him, “Get out,” and laid in bed, waiting for hell to freeze over or for zombies to start crawling out of graves.  Cal confronting James wasn’t going to solve anything.  I was convinced of that.

Sleep wasn’t what I needed. 
When I heard the door close, I went downstairs to find Paul was gone.  He’d left a note saying that he was going to try to stop Cal from pummeling James.  I tried calling James on his cell, but he didn’t answer.  A text would be useless and I could pretty much guarantee that my brother
wouldn’t
let it go so easy.  I took a chance and called Smith.

“Cassidy?  Everything okay?”

“Yes, are you with James?”

“He’s in the conference room down the hall.”  Of course they were working on a Saturday morning.  It was good to know he was throwing himself into his work too.

“I need to talk to him, but he can’t know it’s me on the phone.  Can you please help?”

I heard him sigh before agreeing.  “You have a call.”

I heard James question him before Smith insisted he take the call.  “Hello?”

“James, please don’t hang up.”

~ JAMES ~

“Where the hell is Paul?  He was supposed to be here an hour ago.”

Smith just shrugged his shoulders and I had a sneaking suspicion I knew where he was.  I shook the thought away and pulled out the prints I was looking for, laying them on the conference table.  Smith left the room to take a phone call as I scanned the drawings.  I had to figure out something for the Blue Horse.  It was eating a hole in my pocket sitting there vacant.  I don’t know why I hadn’t just sold the place, but I couldn’t get myself to do it.

“You have a call.”

“It better be Paul.”  I took the phone from him, not checking the screen, “Hello?”

“James, please don’t hang up.”

Smith mouthed ‘talk to her’ and left the room, closing the door behind him.  Just hearing her voice made my dick ache as my hands clenched tight. 

“Cassidy.  Did you need something?”

I could hear her breathing hitch
as she tried to remain calm.  “Please come home.  I need to talk to you, we need to figure this out.”

I wanted to, but I couldn’t.  “Listen.  I’m going to be doubling security on you.  Melissa has remembered things and Dan is more dangerous than we originally anticipated.  Please keep someone, preferably the bodyguards with you at all times.  Do you have the gun and your permit?”  She didn’t say anything.  “Please keep it with you at all times.”

“You belong here, with me.”

“Cassidy, I don’t belong anywhere.  I just want you to be happy.”

“You make me happy.”  You do too Blackbird.

“Then why are you crying?  Goodbye, Cassidy.”  I disconnected the call as she called my name once more. 

“I need to see him NOW.”  Cal came bursting in the conference room door with Smith behind him.  “You mind telling me what the fuck is going on with you and my sister.”

I looked back to the prints on the table, “Hello Calvin.”

“I just left from seeing her and she was a puddle on the floor, crying on Paul’s shoulder.  What did you do?”

Of course she was.  “Cal, what happens between my wife and me is our business.”

“See, that’s where I’m confused.  A
husband
wouldn’t let his wife cry on the shoulder of another man.”  He was right.  I wasn’t a husband and certainly didn’t deserve to be hers.  He walked around the table and got nose to nose with me.  “You fucking make this right with her or end it now.  She deserves at least that for all she’s put up with and done for you.”

It would be easier for all of them if they hated me.  “She’s already moved on.  I don’t know what more she could want from me.”

I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the blow, knowing I wouldn’t fight it.  What I didn’t expect was for Smith to stand there and let Cal hit me half a dozen times before pulling him off of me. 

“You’re a piece of shit, Benedict.” 

I watched him storm off as Smith just glared at me and I noticed Paul standing outside the door.  Apparently everyone came for the show. 

“Are you trying to make everyone hate you?”  I glared at
Smith as I rubbed my jaw.  “You’re succeeding.”  Then Smith turned around and left.

“What happened to you?”

“Fuck off Paul.”  I pulled a handkerchief out of my pocket and pressed it to my nose.

“You know, I’ve known for years you were shut off, but that girl would walk across fire for you.  You’re killing her.  Cassidy loves with every fiber of her being, puts everything she has into it. 
How many women are you willing to destroy?  First Cora, then Melissa, and who knows who else.  I won’t let you destroy Cassidy too.”  He just stood there, waiting for my reaction.  “If you’re not going to hold her when she cries, I WILL!”

~<>~<>~<>~

When I was sure they were all gone I locked myself in my office with a bottle of Scotch and my memories.  Turning the music on, I found the song I was looking for. 
Better Than Me
by Hinder
filled my office as tried convincing myself I was doing the right thing.

C
hapter
25
~
N
ightmares

~ JAMES ~

The pounding from the shells was earsplitting.  We were taking fire, biding our time before returning the fire. 

“James, let us in before we break down the door.” 

What door?  Then I saw her.  She was wearing a white sundress and her red locks were blowing in the wind.  She was walking through the sand, as it blew, without a care in the world.

“Cassidy!  Get down.” 

She smiled and waved at me.  Reaching behind her, she unzipped her dress as it began to slip from her shoulders.  I looked down and I was in fatigues.  What was she doing here? 

“Cassidy!” 

She was walking toward me, but when I tried to move toward her she didn’t come any closer.  I ran faster and faster yet she was still unreachable.  A shot rang through the air and she jolted, grabbing her chest and blood seeped through her hands.

“No!”  Finally able to close the distance between us, I caught her in my arms.  “Hang on baby.”  I looked around for any sign of help and found the desert calm, quiet and no one in sight. 

“James.”  I looked to her as my eyes blurred with tears.  Her color was gone as her eyes pierced my own.  “I never stopped loving you, only you.”

“Stay with me baby.  I’m sorry.  I made so many mistakes.”

“You’re free now.  It’s okay.”

She looked at something behind me and I turned my head to see what it was.  There was nothing there and when I looked back, she was gone, no longer in my arms. 

“Cassidy!” 

In the distance I saw her walking away, hand in hand with Paul
.

“JAMES.”  I was startled awake, falling off the couch.  “James, it’s your Dad.  You have to come.”

Fuck.  It was just another nightmare.  I flung open the door and found Smith there.  “What time is it?” 

“It’s late, early, I don’t know.  Fuck.  We’ve been looking everywhere for you.  James, your Dad’s been taken to the hospital.” 

The nightmare was forgotten as my world stood still.  “Is he…”

“I don’t know.  He was at your Aunt’s house when he collapsed.  They think it’s a heart attack.”
  I followed him down to his truck as we headed toward the hospital.  “You need to stop the drinking.  The stench radiating off of you is offensive.” 

I was lost in my own thoughts.  I couldn’t lose dad too.  My world was falling apart.
       

~ CASSIDY ~

I had purchased a journal after Eva passed and
had been writing in it off and on.  When I was younger it had been great therapy for me so I had decided to give it a try once again.  There were several letters in there to James, though he’d never see them.  My phone began ringing and I answered when I saw it was Cal. 

“Hey.”  I listened as he began talking.  “What.  No, I have to go see him.  I’ll be fine.  If you want to meet me there that’s fine.”

Hanging up the phone, I rushed upstairs and got dressed.  J.J. was in the hospital.  He had a heart attack at Jane’s parents’ house the night before.  I knew I’d probably run into James, but that didn’t matter.  J.J. was an amazing man and I had to check on him.

When I arrived, I headed up to his floor and the nurses let me in once I told them I was his daughter-in-law.  He was sleeping and seemed to be okay.  A nurse came in then and said that the doctors were predicting he’d be fine and that he’d go home soon.  When she left I sat down in the chair and wiped my tears. 

“Those tears aren’t for me are they?” 

“J.J.!  How are you?”  I stood back up and gave him a gentle hug.

“I’ll be fine.  Doctors say it was a small one.  If I survived the last six months, nothing’s taking me down.”  His humor was appreciated and ever present.  “Your hubby was here earlier.”  He looked me over and tilted his head.  “Are you the one responsible for the black eye and busted lip he’s sporting?”

“What?”  Oh, God.  Look
ed like Cal had confronted him.  “No, unfortunately it wasn’t me.”

“Well, don’t be afraid to put him in his place.”

“I wish it was that easy.”

“Is everything okay between you two?”  I just shook my head.  “That stupid bastard.”

“Someone say my name?”  I couldn’t bear to look at him.  I stepped back from the bed as he walked over to hug his father, not acknowledging me. 

“You two listen to me right now.”  I looked to J.J., perplexed as he started spouting, “I don’t know what’s going on, but you make it right.”  He was directing his words at James.”

“Dad, please stay out of it.”

He was so cold and shut off.  I couldn’t stand to be around him anymore.  “I’ll be in touch J.J.  Feel better and let me know when you’re released.”

“Cassidy, wait.”  It was J.J. who asked me to stay, not James.  I couldn’t do it and left without a look back. 

I was standing on the curb outside, staring at nothing, thinking about everything.  Someone called my name, but I wasn’t sure who it was.
Looking around I spotted Smith and Paul walking toward me.  Their eyes got big as a car pulled in front of me and a tall guy, dressed in black got out.  He grabbed for me just as I was pulling away.

“Cassidy!”

“Get her in, NOW.  Let’s go.”

I began fighting with all my might as Paul and Smith were screaming for help and rushing toward me.  By the grace of God, I managed to kick him in the groin and then punched him in the throat, like Cal had taught me.  I managed to fall away from him as the car sped off and Smith jumped on my attacker. 

“Are you okay?”  I looked to Paul, stunned and once he was sure I was okay he helped Smith detain the guy. 

A flurry of activity began as the familiar sound of sirens filled my ears.  I was sitting on a bench, with Paul next to me as the police questioned me.  Cal arrived shortly after and
began questioning me as well.  Something was familiar about my attacker. 

“Cal, I need to see him.”

“That’s not a great idea.”

“Cal, I think he’s the
same guy who tried attacking me at the office.  I need to see his eyes.”  He nodded and led me to the squad car where my assailant was cuffed.  He tapped on the glass and the thug looked to both of us.  Turning away, “It’s him.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.  It’s the eyes.”

“Okay.”

Smith walked over saying, “I should go get James.”

“NO!  I’m fine.  I don’t want to see him.”  All three of them, Smith, Cal and Paul all seemed surprised with my words.  I looked to my brother, “I assume that’s your handiwork on James’s face?”  He nodded.  “I just want to go home.”  I looked to Paul, who seemed hesitant to offer, probably something to do with James, but more likely my brother.  I started to walk away and Paul fell in beside me.

“You sure you’re okay.”

“I’ll be fine.  I just want to go home.”

We walked in my door and my body began to ache from where I’d been grabbed.  I reached up to touch a tender spot on my neck and realized my necklace was gone.  I wore the blackbird he gave me every day, not being able to bear being without it.  Tracing my footsteps, I looked on the floor and couldn’t find it.

“What are you looking for?”

“My necklace, the blackbird.”  I started rambling about its importance and how I had to find it.

“It probably fell off when he grabbed you.  I’ll go back and look for it.  Ryan’s outside, I’ll be back in a while.  Why don’t you go relax?”  I nodded before he hugged me and left.

Making my way upstairs and to my room, I began undressing and turned the bath water on.  The silence was killing me.  A glutton for punishment I put on
The Lonely
by Christina Perri
. 
I was alone, he didn’t want me anymore and I wasn’t sure I wanted him anymore.  It was too much, he was too much with his Jekyll and Hyde selves.  Everything was so perfect a few months prior and then it just went so wrong.  He hadn’t been the same since Cal had been shot.  His nightmares became more frequent, while mine had lessened.  How had I let one person consume me so?  He had become so detached, when we weren’t in bed.  I felt inadequate without him. 

My professional life was
prospering and my personal life was cataclysmic.  It seemed to be that way since the previous summer, when I lost Holly.  Maybe I was meant to be alone.  I mean, who really had it
all?
  I couldn’t expect to have love
and
B & C.  I had ambitions and B & C was going to help me achieve them long before I ever thought I would.  And B & C wouldn’t walk away from me.  It would give me back as much as I put in. 

My mother wasn’t good at love either.  Maybe it was genetic.  I had Cal and I knew he’d support me whenever and whatever.  I could be the cool aunt to the kids he and Jane would
most certainly have.  It was probably better that way.  I wasn’t able to hold on to love.  Nobody valued me enough to stay. 

I climbed into the tub and let the heat seep into me as the sad song filled the room. 
I woke up shivering and to Paul’s voice. 

“Dammit Cassidy.  Are you trying to kill yourself?”  He pulled the drain and threw a towel over me before putting his arms around me
, lifting me from the tub.  “Your fucking lips are blue.  Can you stand?”  I nodded as he put my feet on the floor and grabbed my robe and helped me put it on.  “We need to warm you up.”  His hands began rubbing my robe covered limbs vigorously and they weren’t the only parts of me that were numb.

“Did you find my necklace?”

“I looked for it, but I didn’t have any luck.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.  It would’ve just been a reminder of what we lost.”  He didn’t say anything.  What could he say?  “I just want to go to bed.”  Clumsily I walked away, almost falling more than once and crawled under my covers with my robe still on. 

He tucked me in under the covers and then laid down next to me.  “Come here.”  He placed my head on his shoulder as I drifted off.  “He’s a fool.”

When I woke, still in my robe, Paul was gone.

~ JAMES ~

I was walking out of the hospital when Smith found me.  “How’s your Dad?”

“Good.  He’ll be released tomorrow.”

“That’s great.”  He ran his hand through his short hair and sighed.  “Listen.  Cassidy was almost abducted.”

“What?”  My heart stopped beating as my lungs felt ready to burst.

“Paul and I stopped the guy, but someone else got away in a car.  It wasn’t Dan, at least not the guy they arrested.  Dan may have been the driver.  Cal was here and they’re looking for the car.”

“Is she okay?”  My instinct was to run to her and hold her to make sure she was okay.

“Paul took her home.  She seemed to be all right everything considered.  Ryan is at the house too.”

I had to stay away or she’d never be able to move on.  It didn’t matter about me.  I’d never move on and that was fine.  I just couldn’t burden her with my demons and self-misery anymore.  Sitting down on a bench, Smith joined me and we discussed a few things regarding her security and the guy they arrested. 

“Cassidy said she’s pretty sure that he’s the same guy who came after her at her office.”  I didn’t say anything.  “I should go get Melissa.  She might recognize him.”

“Alright.  Keep me posted.  I’m going to go check on dad.”  He didn’t say anything else to me, though I could tell he wanted to, and walked back to the parking lot.

As I was heading back in I heard my name, “James.”  I tried ignoring it when he
hollered, “Benedict!”

With my hands on my hips I turned toward him, “What is it Paul?”

“If you’re not prepared to be her husband, let her go.  You’re not the only one who loves her.”

His words should’ve sent me over the edge, but he was just confirming what I knew to be true.  He loved her too and he would probably do a better job at taking care of her than I had. 

“She’s going to need you.  I’ll file annulment papers with Annie.”

He gaped at me.  “You’re prepared to just walk away from her, just like that.”

“She deserves more.  You better be in it for the long haul.” 

With that, I turned and walked back into the hospital.
  A coldness seeped into my soul knowing what I was doing to her.  There would never be another for me.

When I made it up to dad’s room, he was walking back to his bed.  He looked much improved already.  He eyed me as he got situated in bed, making himself comfortable.  I sat down in the chair next to his bed.  We sat in silence for a long while, eventually I dozed off.  If he wanted to press me for information he was waiting to do so.

~<>~<>~<>~

A few days later I went to have dinner with dad. 
The week had started off rough, but things were done that needed to be done.  That morning I had told Annie to draw up the annulment papers.  She adamantly refused, insisting on seeing me for lunch.