Letting Go (Healing Hearts) (32 page)

“No.”

“So why are you scared?”

“I’ve been burned, Diane.”

“So have I, but not by you. You haven’t hurt me. Other men have burned me, but they aren’t you. And I’m not Merilee.”

This time she reached for his hand and held it.

He kissed her hands. “You’re right. You’re not Merilee. It’s just that I wasn’t a very good husband to her, and I’m afraid you’ll feel that way about me too.”

“That’s okay. We’ll work something out. Doctors can do wonders with medicine.”

“What?”

“You know, your problem. We can fix it. I hear lots of guys have some kind of dysfunction. It’s not going to affect our relationship. I’ll still love you.”

His face turned crimson. “That’s not what I meant. My body works just fine.”

She flushed red hot. “Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed—”

“It has nothing to do with that.” He sighed. “Well, actually, that’s not true. She did say she was bored with me, with us. She wanted a divorce. We tried to have a child, and when she found out I was sterile she became angry with me.”

“We already discussed this. I can’t have kids either, so you being sterile won’t affect our relationship at all.”

“I know that. That’s not where I was going. Please, just let me finish.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

“I was married for five years. After four years of trying to have children, we found out I was the reason we couldn’t conceive. She had a normal, healthy body. I didn’t. I felt her distancing herself from me, and it seemed as if no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough. She wasn’t happy with anything. We argued the day she died.”

Diane squeezed his hand.

“She told me she felt nothing for me anymore, and that I bored her. She said she didn’t . . . ” his voice cracked, “she didn’t love me, and that she never had.”

Diane kissed his knuckles.

“She died that night on her way to Boise to attend a baby shower. Right before she left she said, ‘I’m out of here. Don’t expect me back.’ It wasn’t the first time she’d gone off in a huff, only to return later. I never thought she’d die.”

“You couldn’t have known. Don’t blame yourself.”

“That’s not all. When they finished the autopsy, the coroner’s office told me Merilee was two months pregnant.” He rubbed his face. “I’m not sure who it was or how long she was seeing him, but apparently I wasn’t enough for her. I’m afraid I won’t be enough for you. I pray to God that I make you happy. If I have to spend the rest of my life proving how much I love you, I will.”

She slid close to him and took him in her arms. She laid her head on his neck and nuzzled him.

“I love you, Dave. Now that I know how you much you want to please me, I love you even more.”

He kissed her hair and held her tight. “I’m so glad the Lord brought you into my life. Heck, I’m even thankful for that scare Leanne put me through, or I wouldn’t even know you. Pastor Lane told me God would use my trials for good if I trusted Him with my circumstances. He was right. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me next to knowing Jesus.”

She gazed into his passion-filled eyes. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“It’s true. I never knew I could be this happy. I just hope you’ll always love me like you do right now. I couldn’t take it if you lost interest in me and found someone else.”

“If it’s any consolation, of all of the men I’ve dated, only one man besides you was even halfway honest with me. That was Ken.”

“You dated Ken?”

“That was almost five years ago. We’ve been just friends for years. The rest of the guys I dated were always married to someone else. They lied to me, of course, and told me they were single. Can you imagine the horror of finding out you are the other woman and thinking all along that you’re the only woman? One thing I’ve always told myself is that I will never betray someone I love. Never.”

“But you’re so gorgeous it must be hard not to be tempted when men try to pick you up.”

“Not any worse than what you have to deal with. You’re so handsome you probably turn heads whenever you leave the house.”

“I try not to notice.” He grinned.

“That’s one of the things I love about you. You don’t even realize how handsome you are. That makes you even more appealing to me.”

“You’re such a knockout that it’s distracting.” He touched her cheek. “Everything about you is perfect. How do I know I can satisfy you enough to keep you interested in me?”

“You won’t have to worry. You’re more than enough temptation. What your kisses do to me—well, let’s just say I can only imagine what the rest will be like.”

“See what I mean? Talk about pressure. We’ll have to wait months and go to classes before Pastor Lane will marry us. It’s our church’s policy.”

“Just looking into your eyes makes me melt.”

His head tipped down. “Yeah?”

Her heart pounded, and she lightly tapped his bottom lip. “And the look in your eyes right now makes me want to kiss you.”

He gave her a feather-light kiss, gently teasing her mouth and leaving her aching for so much more.

She pouted. “Is that all I get for my undying devotion?”

He kissed her again, this time so slowly and tenderly she thought she’d die from the heat filling her. She pushed back into a sitting position.

“That’s enough. You have to save those for our wedding night. They make me want to devour you. That’s not such a good thing right now.”

A huge grin covered his face. “Really? I stir you that much?”

She shuddered. “More. How am I going to see you and wait? We can’t be alone, Dave. It’s not safe.”

He inhaled a ragged breath. “Man, I love you.”

“And I love you.”

His eyes darkened, and he leaned forward, but then jumped up and stuffed his hands in his pockets before he kissed her again. “You’re right. This is definitely not safe. I’m going to check on Joey now.”

He returned with Joey a few minutes later. The second the little guy saw her he started bouncing on Dave’s hip. “Wanna hug, Mommy.”

“Okay, Sport. Hold on just a sec.” Dave put Joey down and the boy ran straight into Diane’s arms.

She gave him a strong hug. “You know what’s so cool about kids, Dave? They love you for who you are, just like God does. Even when you make mistakes and don’t always make the right choices, they still love you and are waiting for that hug when you’re ready to give it.”

Dave wrapped his arm around Diane and held her as she held Joey. “We sure are going to make one loving little family aren’t we, babe.”

She kissed Joey’s cheek and nuzzled his hair. “Yeah, we are.”

Chapter 26

T
he next morning Dave woke before dawn, amazed he’d slept at all. He felt like a kid on Christmas Eve, waiting for the next morning to come, and thinking it never would.

Joey hadn’t a clue about all the excitement, and Dave refused to tell him in case something went wrong. That possibility loomed like a heavy rain cloud. Leanne had all the control, and he had none. Dave hated being in such a vulnerable position, but decided to make the most of where God placed him. He was letting go.

He dropped Joey off at Katia’s and headed over to Diane’s office, arriving before eight-thirty so they’d have some time to talk. He had trouble standing still as he waited for the receptionist to locate Diane.

Diane waited until her receptionist left the room before she flashed him a smile. His heart started pounding. Between the gleam in her eye, the scent of her hair, the softness of her curves, and the memory of the satiny feel of her mouth on his, he knew he’d be a goner before their kiss even started.

When her lips broke from his, he had trouble calming his heart rate. The woman sure knew how to speed up his pulse. He just prayed his engine wouldn’t overheat until after they said, “I do.”

She agreed to look for rings with him after Leanne signed the relinquishments. He didn’t want to delay their marriage any longer than necessary. Pastor Lane agreed with him that as long as they got counseling to deal with their issues, he would support them. The mere thought of their upcoming wedding sent his senses reeling. A smile spread over his face.

“What are you smiling about?”

“Just thinking about us.”

She winked. “Makes me smile too.”

Crossing her office, she picked up a shopping bag by the couch. “Got some gifts for Leanne.”

He looked into the bag and pulled out a jewelry box containing a heart-shaped diamond and ruby necklace. “Wow, Di, this is gorgeous. You have great taste.”

“Thanks. Look.” She pointed at the stone in the center. “It’s a ruby surrounded by tiny diamonds. The ruby is Joey’s birthstone. Isn’t it gorgeous?”

“It sure is. What else have you got in there?”

“Well, I picked up some gift cards from the mall. Oh, and I got these.”

“Gourmet chocolates. Sweet.”

“Yeah, I hope she likes them. Did you bring the photos?”

“Yep, I’ve got them right here.” Dave pulled four pictures out of his pocket and set them on the desk.

Diane looked at them. “Wow, these are perfect.” She pulled out a photo frame with four sections that looked like a family tree and slid the photos into the slots.

“That does look great.”

“There’s one other thing.”

He pulled her into his arms and brushed her lips with a light kiss. “Thanks for helping me, Di. You make me feel so fortunate, I can’t believe it.”

She melted into his arms. “You know, I think we should stay in contact with her. There’s no obligation legally, but I think it would be the right thing to do, and honestly, it would be better for Joey. It will take the mystery out of the adoption if he’s known his birth mother all along.”

Dave stiffened. “Are you sure that’s wise?”

“It’s your decision, but my feeling is that if we communicate with her—I’m talking about minimal contact, you know, for big things—I think Joey will be better off. That way he’ll know his history, and he won’t feel a large hole in his life later on.”

“I suppose you’re right. We can always stop contact if she becomes a problem or she starts using drugs again.”

“Absolutely.”

“And I hope for Leanne’s sake that she stays clean.”

“Me too. We’ll make sure to pray for her often.”

“Then I agree. I guess now we just sit back and wait.”

He sat on the couch, and Diane slid next to him. She put her hand in his and gazed up at him with a dreamy expression in her eyes.

“God sure has blessed me, Dave. I may have lost a lot this past year, but I gained so much more. God has a neat way of taking something that seems so horrible that you want to die from the pain, then making you so thankful for what happened that you end up praising Him instead. You see the result of God’s work in the end and realize it couldn’t have happened any other way.”

Dave pondered what she said. “You’re right about that. It sounds terrible, but if I hadn’t lost Merilee, I wouldn’t have you. And if I hadn’t been sterile, I wouldn’t have Joey. And the most amazing of all, if the State hadn’t messed up and found Joey’s birth mom in jail, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, and we sure wouldn’t be getting married.”

Her beautiful face brightened in a smile.

He leaned over and kissed her tenderly. “I love you.”

The intercom buzzed, and her receptionist said, “Your appointment is here.”

She jumped and caught her breath. “Send them in.”

Diane’s receptionist smiled at Dave when she ushered Mr. Hixon into the room. Dave looked at the clock. It was two minutes until nine.

“Where’s Leanne?”

Mr. Hixon shrugged. “I haven’t heard from her this morning. Have you?”

Dave looked at Diane. She shook her head no. His chest clenched. Leanne had gotten his hopes up, and now she planned to stiff them all. He felt like a fool.

Diane touched his arm. “Stop worrying. She’s probably just running late.”

“You’re right. I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to trust God.”

They all sat down and waited. After ten minutes, Diane said, “I’m going to send Jeanine to get us some coffee. What would you guys like?”

Mr. Hixon replied, “I’d like a cappuccino with a double shot of espresso, if you don’t mind.”

Diane looked at Dave.

“I can’t drink a thing. My stomach feels like it’s full of battery acid.”

“What about some tea, then, to help calm your stomach?”

“Peppermint tea would work.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back.”

When Diane returned, Dave asked, “Has Leanne called?”

“I checked with Jeanine. Not a peep, I’m afraid.”

Mr. Hixon pulled out his papers. “While we’re waiting, let’s review the relinquishments, shall we?”

Dave offered a weak smile. “Sure, anything to keep my mind busy.”

Thirty minutes later, still no sign of Leanne. Dave was so stressed that he put his face in his hands. So much for letting go.

He prayed for the Lord to help him to forgive Leanne if she didn’t show up, and to trust Him with Joey’s future even when it looked like things weren’t going to turn out as planned.

Diane broke the silence. “I think we should pray. You don’t mind, do you Mr. Hixon?”

“That’s fine with me. I’ll just sit here and check my e-mail, if you don’t mind me using your Internet.”

“Go ahead.” She set up her computer so Mr. Hixon could use her system.

She sat on the couch with Dave and took his hands. “God, please calm our hearts this morning and hold us close. We want Joey to be legally free today, and we’re on edge because it doesn’t look like Leanne is coming. Please help her to make it to the office safely and watch over her. If she doesn’t come today, please help us to forgive her for letting us down. We love you, God, and we trust you to do what’s best. Amen.”

“Amen,” Dave said hoarsely. His eyes burning, he prayed, “Okay, Lord. I trust you, and I surrender to you this morning all of my hopes and dreams. You haven’t done anything but bless me, Lord, so I’m praying that you’ll get me through this. I place Joey into your hands. Amen.”

When he released Diane’s hands, he gazed at her, amazed at how much faith she had for the short time she had known the Lord. He could see the hope and trust in her eyes, which inspired him.

He stroked her cheek with his knuckles and whispered, “No matter what happens today, I know God is in control. I love you and nothing is going to change that. I just pray . . . ” His voice cracked, and he cleared it. “I pray God sees fit to make me Joey’s father for the rest of his life.”

Diane whispered back, “If anyone is to be appointed as Joey’s legal father, you’re the best choice. God knows that.”

“Yeah, I believe He does.”

Jeanine buzzed Diane’s office. “Diane, Leanne Dodd is here.”

Diane jumped up and rubbed her hands together. “Send her in.”

Dave nearly sprinted across the room to greet Leanne.

“I’m sorry I’m late.” She offered a tired smile. “I missed the cab so I had to call for another one. This morning I had a real hard time getting up. It was like something tried to keep me from coming.”

“You haven’t been having any doubts, have you?”

“No, I still know it’s for the best. I know this is what Joey needs.” A few tears slipped from her eyes. “I sure am going to miss seeing him grow up.”

Dave glanced at Diane. “Well, that’s something we wanted to talk to you about. Diane and I discussed this, and we both would like to stay in contact with you and invite you to special events as he grows up, like to birthday parties and his kindergarten graduation. Stuff like that. We also want to give you pictures every year at Christmas and also his school pictures. Is that okay?”

Leanne stared at him, openmouthed. “You’d do that for me?”

“Sure. We thought it might be nice to get together every once in a while. You know, to meet with you. See what you’re doing. Would you like that?”

Diane grabbed at tissue and handed it to her. Leanne blew her nose.

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting any of this.”

“It would be for you and for Joey. We want him to know who you are as he’s growing up so there are no surprises later. We think an adoption with some ongoing contact with you is in his best interest.”

“You do?”

“Yes. Also, Diane and I have some things we want to give you, but we’d rather wait until you’re done signing so you aren’t influenced in any way by our small tokens of appreciation.”

“All right. Where are the papers?”

Leanne’s attorney reviewed every detail with her, and Jeanine notarized the forms. Mr. Hixon gave Leanne a copy to keep. The meeting took less than half an hour.

Diane grabbed the shopping bag, and with tears in her eyes presented Leanne with the gifts. Dave blinked back tears. He had to smile, though, because though they cried tears of loss, they also shed happy tears.

God had blessed them beyond their wildest imagination. And he knew that as long as they continued to place their lives in God’s capable hands, things could only get better.