Letting Go (Healing Hearts) (17 page)

Diane’s voice squeaked. “He said I should fight my way out of his arms like a child being birthed, released from the womb, and I would feel reborn, like a new person.”

“I despise that method. It doesn’t work.”

Her throat tightened, and she nodded. She could barely get the words out.

“That’s when I panicked and knew I had to get away. He scared me. The guy’s a nutcase. There was no way I was going to sit on his lap. For all I know, he could be a pervert himself. The way he said it reminded me of—” She shuddered.

Dr. Rhiner tilted his head. “Who did he remind you of?”

“My father. The way he spoke so smooth, his deep voice coaxing me when he said, ‘Don’t be afraid, honey.’ ” Her hands trembled.

“Then what happened?”

“I hit him. For a few seconds I could have sworn I saw my father’s face in place of his, and I . . . well, I slapped him hard. He got ticked off and accused me of taking things too far. He said I needed to remember he wasn’t my father.” She fisted her hands. “I said, ‘I know that!’ ”

Dr. Rhiner stared at her, his eyes wide.

“Then that horrible man pursued me. His voice softened, and he asked me to come to him. I lost it and ran from his office.” She hunched over and sobbed.

“What was that like? Thinking for a minute the therapist was your father, and you getting a chance to slap him?”

She sniffled and sat up, quiet for a moment. A half-grin pulled at the corner of her mouth.

“It felt great at first. And then . . . and then . . . I was just . . . afraid. I’ve always wanted my dad to love me just because I was his daughter. And he never did. He’s been gone almost fourteen years, and it still hurts.”

“It’s normal to want your father to love you just for who you are. The pain you feel is normal. If you’d like, we can continue to meet and talk and see if it helps.”

She covered her mouth with her hand. “Please tell me God doesn’t feel hatred or disgust for me and that He loves me. I know Christians like you know God personally. Ask Him for me. Ask Him if He loves me and doesn’t hate me, please. I need to know.” She reached over and grabbed another tissue, wiping her damp face, but unable to keep up with the flow of tears.

“Can I tell you what the Bible says, to answer your question?”

She sniffled, took a deep breath, and exhaled. “Sure, what can it hurt?”

“The scriptures say God loved you so much He sent His only Son to suffer and die so you might live forever in heaven with Him.”

“So are you saying God loves me even though I’ve never cared about Him?”

“I sure am.”

“And He can forgive me . . . even when . . . when I’ve broken up a few marriages—even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time?” She squinted, unsure if she should believe him. It seemed too incredible to be true. “Are you saying He can forgive me for that too?”

“Yes.” His gaze remained unwavering.

“What about what happened with my dad. Would he forgive me for that too?”

“I’m sure He would.”

She thought about it for a moment and figured it couldn’t hurt to finally tell someone what she had been ashamed to admit for so many years. “What if I liked the attention he gave me. I let him kiss me sometimes—on the mouth—like a man kisses a woman. The first time scared me, but then I got used to it. Then I would dress up for him and let him take pictures of me. I . . . I feel like I’m going to get sick.” She clutched her stomach.

“Did he touch you in other ways?’

“I’m not sure. Maybe. I think I’ve blocked it out, and that’s why these memories are coming back. Now that I can’t have biological children it seems my father’s voice is always in my head.”

“You think they are connected?”

“Yes. Sometimes he’d have me sit on his lap. I could tell when he was, you know, when he wanted . . . He never, um, I mean, he didn’t touch me there, not that I can remember, anyway.”

Nausea swept over her because this time she lied. It was all coming back to her now, and she hated the truth of it.

“Are you okay, Diane? You look pale.”

“I feel so guilty. I’ve never told anyone that before. I’m so embarrassed.”

“You can trust me.”

“He asked me to touch him on my birthday once, and . . . I refused. Later that day he sought me out and apologized for asking me, but then he tried it again.”

She looked up at Dr. Rhiner, sure at any moment he’d say she’d committed the unpardonable sin. Instead, he said nothing.

She choked on tears and her voice raised an octave. “I did it that time. Can you see why that’s so horrible? I hate my birthday.”

“What do you mean?”

“In all those years, that was the only time I said no, but when he apologized, I did what he wanted anyway. So you don’t have to tell me. I know I’m guilty.”

“There’s nothing you can do that God won’t forgive.”

“Nothing? But why would God forgive me for that? I encouraged him by saying nothing. By letting him assume I enjoyed his behavior toward me.” She groaned and covered her face with her hands.

“God can forgive you for all those things. Nothing is beyond His reach or beyond hope. What happened with your father wasn’t right, but you didn’t cause those things to happen. You were just a child who wanted a normal relationship with her father. When that didn’t happen you decided to take whatever affection he offered. That’s something any child would do.”

“You . . . you think so?” She wiped her eyes with a fresh tissue.

“I know so. I do have another question, though. Where was your mother when these things happened?”

She hiccupped. “Mother always kept busy scheduling and preparing me for pageants. She fussed over me and watched everything I ate. She made me exercise every day. I didn’t have a normal relationship with anyone.” She bit her lip. “I’ve never had any real friends. I still don’t. Not really. Just the two ladies I met after my breakdown.”

“What about what happened with your father? Do you think she knew about it?”

“I . . . I’m not sure. Sometimes I think she knew because when she’d leave me home alone with him, they’d argue about me later that night when they thought I was sleeping. Sometimes I’d think Mother just let it happen. But then I’d think what kind of mother would allow my father to hurt me? So then I’d doubt myself and I wouldn’t know what to think.” She sighed.

Dr. Rhiner hesitated. “Have you ever thought about telling your mother? I could help you do that if you want me to.”

Diane lowered her eyes as she considered his offer. Her heart raced and a jolt of terror racked her spine, causing her to involuntarily shudder.

“I don’t think I can. Maybe someday. But not now. I’m not ready. I’m still very angry with her.”

“Fair enough. Tell me when you’re ready, and I’ll set it up.”

“Okay. Now tell me about God and forgiveness. Will it really make a difference if I ask to be forgiven? I mean, how will that change my life?”

“If you put your faith in Jesus and ask Him to forgive you of all of your sins, then he’ll place His Holy Spirit inside you and give you a brand new life. When it happens to you, believe me, you’ll know it. And you’ll never be the same.”

Her heart warmed and a sensation of heat coursed through her, followed by a sudden chill. Doubt obscured her focus.

“I want to believe you, I really do. It just sounds too easy.”

“There’s nothing easy about it. Jesus suffered and died a cruel death so He could bring us before His Father, spotless and blameless. What He did was no easy task.”

She stared at him for several long seconds, then dropped her gaze. When she looked up again, his eyes were closed. Was he praying for her?

Her heart squeezed as she thought things through. Could she really give up control over her life to Someone greater than herself? The urge to get up and leave yanked her from her chair.

“I’ll consider it later, but not today. I need to think about this some more.”

“That’s fine. I won’t push you.”

She rose. “Thanks for seeing me today on such short notice. I feel a bit better already. I’ll call you ahead of time to schedule the next appointment, I promise.”

“Do whatever you think you need to do. I’m not going anywhere.”

Diane turned to leave, but stopped and pulled her checkbook out of her purse. “What is the fee again? I forgot.”

“I told you today was on the house. Just go home and think about what I said. That will be my payment, okay?”

Diane looked at the doctor suspiciously. “Okay.”

Nobody gives anything for free, at least not without some kind of hidden agenda,
she reflected. Dr. Rhiner’s motive probably had something to do with getting her saved. Maybe he wanted to check a box on his list.

She didn’t know for sure, but regardless, she refused to give him the satisfaction of winning her over so easily. If any change took place in her heart, she’d initiate it herself.

Chapter 14

“C
ome on, answer the phone! Please answer!”

“Hello?”

“Oh, thank God! I’m freaking out here. Joey is throwing up again for the third straight week. He only gets sick on the days he has visits with his birth mother. Mrs. Vela thinks I’m making this up, and she said last week if I canceled one more time she would take me to court and move Joey to another foster home. She said she wouldn’t put it past me to give him spoiled food to make him sick. Can you believe that? I would never make him sick on purpose. I don’t know why he’s doing this. What am I going to do?” He paced as he spoke, his heart racing.

“Relax, Dave. I just heard back from the court this morning. I was about to call you to tell you the good news. They accepted my motion to join as an interested party, which means I can be present at hearings and submit evidence or provide witnesses like everyone else. Also, my request for the upcoming review this Thursday to be an evidentiary hearing was approved. Now Mrs. Vela has to make a case as to why she is giving you such a hard time. Isn’t that great?”

She laughed. He’d never heard a more beautiful sound.

He wanted to jump and shout hallelujah, but instead shouted, “I love you! Thank you so much!”

Diane stopped laughing and grew quiet.

“What? Did I say something wrong?”
I can’t believe I just said that. I’m an idiot!

“It’s nothing, really. I’ll be right over with the court papers. We’ll show Joey’s social worker that we mean business. Hold onto your seat and enjoy the ride.”

“I will, believe me. I’m counting on you.”

She giggled. “No problem. I love this confrontational stuff.”

Dave exhaled, glad she seemed unfazed by his slip and promising himself he’d be more careful about what he said from now on. He needed her, and it looked as if she’d come through for him just as Katia had promised.

*   *   *

Joey was asleep when Dave heard Diane’s car pull into his driveway. In less than ten minutes the CPS social worker would arrive to pick his son up for the dreaded weekly visit with his birth mother. Joey had managed to avoid all of them since that first week when he had a real stomach bug. Dave never would have thought of feigning sickness as a strategy, and he ached because of the extreme distress it caused Joey.

He peeked through the window and watched Diane stroll up the sidewalk, a happy bounce in her step. Her enthusiasm made her look even more beautiful than the last time he had seen her. His heart pounded as he anticipated her knock. Before her hand connected with the door he yanked it open and pulled her into a bear hug.

“Thank you!”

For several moments he allowed himself to relish the sensation of her soft body molding to his. It had been ages since he’d been physically close to anyone besides Joey. When was the last time he’d held a woman? He inhaled the fresh, sunshiny scent of her hair until her hands rose and pressed against his chest.

His blood hummed from her nearness, and he was reluctant to let go. When her face tilted up and she gazed hungrily into his eyes, he nearly lost his self-control. With everything he had in him he wanted to kiss her, but he pushed away from her instead, trying to ignore the hurt look in her eyes as he spoke.

“I’m so sorry. I just broke my own rule about touching. I won’t do that again.”

“Sure. I understand.” Clearly flustered, she ran her fingers through her long hair and chewed her lower lip.

Her obvious distress tugged at his heart, so on impulse he tossed his rule aside. Why deprive her of what they both wanted?

“Wait.” He lifted her chin and whispered huskily, “I think you’re really amazing.”

He kissed her tentatively at first, but when she didn’t resist, he released all the passion he’d held inside since his wife died. It felt so good to release the tight rein he held on his emotions. He pressed her against the wall and lost himself in her arms. It felt amazing—the thrill of tasting her sweet lips, of melding their bodies together, of living in the moment.

Until reality set in.

The rumbling sound of a car pulling into his driveway made him jump back. “She’s here.”

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. Kissing Diane had stirred his soul in a profound way, and he wanted more. But how could it be right to want her so much? He barely knew her.

Her chest heaving, looking a bit dazed, she struggled to catch her breath. The power he felt at that moment defied description. Maybe he really could satisfy a woman.

“Please. Don’t toy with my feelings,” she said, still panting. “I won’t tolerate it.”

He opened his mouth to deny it, but his voice caught in his throat. He didn’t know what to say. Had he toyed with her feelings? He didn’t think so, but then again, his fickle behavior toward her probably made it seem like that’s what he was doing.

“I’m sorry. I’m not sure what I want right now, so kissing anyone isn’t a good idea. I’m sorry I keep—well, actually I’m not sorry.” He grinned. “I kind of liked it. A lot, in fact, but—”

She smacked his arm. Hard.

“Ouch! What was that for?”

“I’m sorry—well, actually I’m not sorry. I kind of liked it.” Diane winked at him.

He sighed. She’d forgiven him. Now the hard part would be not slipping up again. He couldn’t afford to lose her. Not until she helped him win his case. Then anything could happen. His blood heated at the possibilities.

He just needed to be patient and keep his desires at bay while he waited for God’s timing. And for their relationship to go anywhere, the right timing made all the difference. For now, he’d have to be content.

From what Katia had told him, Diane wasn’t a believer. That made kissing her even stupider on his part, though Katia had mentioned she thought Diane wanted to know God.

As he reflected on his former marriage, he knew committing his heart to an unsaved woman was something he simply couldn’t afford to do again. No matter how beautiful and appealing the package was, he loved Joey too much to marry a woman who would divorce him when she discovered he couldn’t give her a child, as Merilee had threatened to do so many times.

He made a silent commitment to pray for Diane until she gave her life to Jesus. Even if nothing happened between them after they resolved Joey’s situation, he still cared enough about her to pray for her soul. But, oh, how he wished for so much more.

*   *   *

“Is Jack . . . ready to visit . . . his mother today?” Mrs. Vela wheezed and puffed as she climbed the steps. She entered the house, walking past Diane without acknowledging her.

“I tried to reach you but they said you were out of your office. He’s sick again.”

“This is getting ridiculous. How can the boy be . . . sick again? This will make the third week in a row he’s missed a visit with his mother. I know you . . . don’t want him returned to his mother and you want to . . . keep him, Mr. Passel, but he’s her son, not yours. You have to give him a chance to get to know her.”

“I think Joey has already decided he doesn’t want to get to know her. His behavior tells me he’s unhappy. And this throwing up thing he’d doing has me really concerned. If he’s so upset that he can make himself puke on the day of his scheduled visit, then I worry something might be mentally wrong with him. It’s not normal. If this doesn’t stop soon, he’s going to need counseling.”

Diane touched his arm, but he yanked away from her hand and stepped closer to Joey’s caseworker, pointing his finger in her face. “If Joey is emotionally disturbed because of this, I’m going to blame you for it. What’s your agenda here, Mrs. Vela?”

“I’m just doing my job. Now if you’ll excuse me,” she wheezed, “I’m going upstairs to check on Jack. I need to see for myself how he’s feeling. At this point, Mr. Passel, I no longer believe a word you say. Now if you’ll please excuse me.” She pushed past him and headed for the stairs, puffing as she slowly ascended them.

Dave balled his fits at his sides and scowled at the heavyset woman as she proceeded up the stairs. “I can’t take this anymore, Diane. I’m calling her boss. Surely, someone will see my point.” He pulled his cell phone off his belt and dialed CPS.

“Yes, I’ll hold.”

Dave waited for several moments, then with a sigh, slowly pounded up the steps to catch up with Mrs. Vela. A bloodcurdling shriek made the hair rise on the back of Diane’s neck, and she ran up the stairs after him.

“Yes, I need to speak to Mrs. Vela’s supervisor, please.”

They entered the doorway at the same time, Diane’s hip brushing against Dave’s. She hastily stepped back to let him enter first.

She saw Joey hunched over in his crib gagging onto his sheets. The little boy’s distress made her eyes well with tears.

When his caseworker reached for him he screamed and turned beat red. Vomit covered the front of his red footie pajamas.

Dave tried to calm him. “It’s okay, Joey. You don’t have to go anywhere. I know your tummy hurts again.”

Joey gaped at Mrs. Vela and shrieked. He pulled his hair with one hand and tried to suck his thumb with the other between gagging reflexes. When the social worker reached for him Joey batted her hand away and vehemently shook his head.

Dave elbowed her out of his way. “Excuse me.”

Mrs. Vela scowled, but stepped back.

He scooped Joey up, holding the phone between his ear and his shoulder. “Yes, I’ll hold if you’re going to look for him.”

Dave gently bounced Joey on his hip until he sighed and laid his head on Dave’s other shoulder. He popped his thumb into his mouth.

The poor little guy looked terrified. Diane tried to think of some way to put a stop to the weekly torture he went through, to complete the adoption process before things got any worse.

“He’s not in today? When will he be back? Oh, I see. Can you take a message for me and make sure he gets it as soon as he returns? Yes, my name is Dave Passel and I’m calling about my son’s caseworker, Mrs. Vela. Thank you. Bye.” Scowling, he pressed the off button and slid his phone back into the clip on his belt.

Diane wedged herself between the caseworker and Dave. “That’s quite enough, Mrs. Vela. It’s obvious the child is sick. The visit today is canceled.” Diane reached into her purse, extracted the legal document, and handed it to Mrs. Vela.

The woman’s face turned crimson. She swore at Diane, grabbed the paper, and scanned it.

“Now I’ve seen it all.” She gave a snort of disgust.

Dave rocked back on his heels, looking more confident than Diane believed he felt. Joey grew quiet and his little head popped up. His gaze shifted back and forth between Dave and the social worker as if he watched a tennis match.

“You . . . you. . . You are the most aggravating man I have ever met. You think all these stunts of yours are going to prove anything? You’ve convinced me even more that this child needs to be placed in another home that will work with the mother toward reunification. I’ll see you Thursday in court. Just remember, the law is on my side!” She stormed off.

Joey erupted into a fit of giggles. Diane and Dave both stared at him.

The little boy clapped his hands. “Stinky yady gone. Yay!” He grinned at his father and held his empty hands up. “She all gone.”

Joey’s expression looked so innocent that Diane had to press her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh. Dave didn’t try to stop his.

When Joey saw the attention he’d garnered, he hopped on Dave’s hip, repeating, “All gone. She all gone.”