Letting Go (10 page)

Clarissa bit her lip, aching at the truth and the knowledge that somehow Joan Anderson had uncovered her past. That her chance at belonging was gone.
 

She narrowed her eyes cynically. “I don’t even know you. Why are you doing this? Being nice to me?”

Tess met her eyes for a minute and Clarissa thought she saw something there that couldn’t be. Something that didn’t match this woman who’d lost everything and still seemed full to overflowing with laughter.

“Stearns and the Good Lord saved my life,” Tess said. “It wasn’t easy, but I made it through the storm okay. Maybe I see a little of me in you. Now, I’m going to get my boy from that truck, take him to see his daddy and let him regale us with the tale of that gigantic bandage. He is going to have one heck of a bruise on that noggin. But maybe that will be what he remembers instead of the destruction back home.”

Jed pulled off his work gloves as he headed up the steps into the church activity center. He’d heard plenty about the Rains boy’s accident before the EMT’s had even left the church parking lot. Phone lines might be down all over the city, but the Stearns social media outlets were in fine form courtesy of cell services.

Several children were climbing on one of the firetrucks, and he saw more than a few adult volunteers, but Clarissa was nowhere to be found.

He called out a hello to Joan. He understood her unhappiness about as well as anyone he figured. Mack waved from the inside of the firetruck.

“Daddy! Look at what I can do.”
 

A few seconds later sirens wailed, lights flashed and the parking lot filled with kids who stared awestruck at his daughter as if she’d performed some kind of magic.

He shot Mack a thumbs up and then pointed with his thumb to let her know he was going inside.

The activity center was dark, shadows broken only by late afternoon sunlight streaming in through windows.

If Clarissa were here, she wasn’t in plain sight.

He kept searching until he found her in the kitchen washing dishes.

“Hey,” he said. “You okay?”

She shrugged and a clump of soap bubbles flew up to her elbow.
 

“I’m fine. Trevor Rains might be another story.”

Jed picked up a dishtowel and started drying the dishes Clarissa washed. He figured that was a better idea than touching her or pulling her close for another hug.
 

“Nah,” he said. “Trevor Rains is made of tougher stuff than that. He’s all boy.”

Clarissa stuck her hands in the steaming water, but she didn’t wash anything, and he could tell she was upset.

“You sure you’re alright?”

“I’ll be fine. I just need...”

Mack came barreling into the kitchen, throwing her arms around his legs.
 

“Daddy, did you see me, did you see me?”

He laughed at her exuberance.
 

“Oh yeah, Mack Attack, I saw you. I bet Chief Wallace is ready to make you Junior Fire Chief after that.”

Mack shook her head. “Nah. Trevor got Junior Fire Chief. And a concussion. You helping Clarissa do dishes, huh? Mzzzzz Tompkins said you were and Aunt Joan said she just bet, so I snuck in here real fast.”

Clarissa squeezed her eyes shut for a second, but kept on washing. A light red started under her neck and crawled out over her cheeks, but if not for that he wouldn’t even know she’d been hurt by Joan’s words delivered via Mack.

He’d have to have words with Joan if she didn’t learn to hold her tongue. He understood the woman was hurting. Understood their families were tied. But he wouldn’t tolerate her being mean to Clarissa.

“Hey Champ, you better go on out there and play with the other kids.”

Mack scrambled down without complaint. Before she left the kitchen, though, she gave Clarissa a quick hug.

Once Mack was gone, Jed tried to bridge the awkwardness.

“What Joan Anderson thinks doesn’t mean a thing.”

Clarissa unplugged the sink and the water glugged down the drain before she finally answered him.

“But it does, Jed. I can’t let your name be messed up by me and my actions.”

“Trevor...”

“Good grief, I am not talking about Trevor. I’m talking about me staying out at the ranch and spending all this time with you and Mackenzie. It will matter. I can’t see putting your reputation at risk.”

He would’ve laughed if she weren’t so upset.
 

“The last thing you have to worry about is my reputation, Clarissa.”

She sighed in obvious frustration. “You don’t even know...”

He stepped closer, fought to keep his hands away from her. Instinctively, he knew if he pushed his luck there, she’d bolt. And bolting for Clarissa would probably mean never seeing her again. Instead he used words to make his point.

“I know enough. I know you’ll tell me what you think I need to know when you’re ready.”

He didn’t realize how much he wanted her to trust him enough to tell her story until she changed the subject all together.

“I”m staying with my mother in the bunkhouse for now. Will you do me a favor and keep Mackenzie away from her? Tammy Jo Dye’s not a nice person.”

Fighting his disappointment, he tried to make light of her words.

“Might be better to sick Mack on her.”

Clarissa didn’t get the joke.

“I’m serious, Jed. I don’t want her hurt.”

Like
she’d
been hurt. Jed’s heart hurt for Clarissa at the words. He wished he could brush the pain from her eyes. Instead he agreed to her request.
 

“Won’t be a problem.”

And while he couldn’t cross her walls and touch her, he could turn the conversation from something so painful.

“I figured I’d walk in here and you’d blame me for Trevor’s accident since I’m the reason you agreed to work at the shelter.”
 

His words seemed to work. Clarissa visibly relaxed.

“Back to that, huh? Well, fine, please go take the blame and maybe Joan Anderson and her posse won’t ride me out of here for being a bad babysitter.”

“Ha!” He couldn’t hold back the laugh at the idea of Joan having a posse. “From what I’ve heard tell, you’re a far sight more than a baby sitter. I will have a talk with Joan, though.”

That stopped her short. “I’m a big girl, Jed. I don’t need you to fight my battles.”

He saw it then, a toughness, a pride. Something in her had shifted. He silently nodded, letting her know he would agree to her wishes.

“If you’re going to do battle, how about joining me and Mack for dinner before going back to the ranch?”

That brought back the frown.

“I don’t know, Jed.”

He wasn’t beyond a little cajoling. “Come on. Mack deserves a Happy Meal after her work today, and you’ll want a break before heading out to the bunkhouse.”

A piece of hair escaped from her ponytail, and he dropped his hands to keep from reaching out and brushing it away. She was gorgeous and tough, and he wanted to make sure Joan Anderson knew words against Clarissa Dye were words against the Dillons as far as he was concerned. But he’d agreed to let her fight her own battle. This time.

When she agreed to join him and Mack for dinner Jed stopped himself from showing too much emotion and spooking her away. Clarissa Dye was a lot like the unbroken Mustangs they tagged for the government out on the Triple Eight. She’d shy away if she knew what he was thinking.

Mack climbed up the ladder in the play area and disappeared into a plastic slide shaped like a rocket.
 

“You sure she’s okay?”

Jed would have laughed if Clarissa weren’t so deadly serious.
 

“It’s a play area, Clarissa. The kids are supposed to disappear for a minute. Hold on and you’ll see her any second.”

Sure enough Mack flew down the slide a few seconds later followed by two new friends. Like always Mack was bossing the other kids around, but they didn’t seem to mind.

Clarissa toyed with a french fry, not really eating it, just scooting it around on her tray.

“You know there are people who’d call what you’re doing to that fry a crime.”

Instead of laughing, Clarissa pushed the tray away, her eyes still on the slide.
 

“I’m afraid I’m not very good company tonight, Jed. I’m sorry.”

He wanted to ask her what was wrong. Ask her to share the burden instead of carrying it alone. But he didn’t really have that right.

“Not a problem. You know Pete said he’d be ready to open in a week tops. Won’t be long and you’ll be able to go back to work.”

Clarissa didn’t seem as happy about the news as he’d expected. Her hands were tapping away on the table, her legs bouncing up and down. Agitation showing so clearly. He couldn’t let this continue without at least trying to make her feel better.

He rested a hand on top of hers in what he’d expected to be reassurance, but the spark said something completely different.

She looked up at him, her big eyes full of questions and something more, something he wanted to explore.
 

“I’m here for you, Clarissa. Whatever’s going on in your brain, whatever has you so upset, you can share.”

She didn’t pull her hand from his just ran the free one through her hair and looked toward the slide, but she wasn’t seeing his daughter. Clarissa was lost in memories and pain and something more.

Finally, she turned back to him and pulled her hand away. “I’ll be okay.’

“You need to talk to someone.”

“I’ll be okay, Jed. I get that you’re the town hero, the guy who everyone loves. But you can’t fix this, okay? You can’t save me. Just...forget it.”

Jed knew he should leave it, quit trying. Clarissa was too upset and she was pushing him away intentionally, but he couldn’t.

“I’m no hero, Clarissa. And I’m not interested in fixing you. God’s the one in the saving business. What I am is a guy doing his best to be a friend to someone who desperately needs a friend right now.”

“Daddy, Clarissa watch me!” Mack stood behind bars in the upper deck of the slide and she waited for them both to give her their full attention then flung herself down the slide backwards, landing with a roll and smiling like she’d won the kiddie rodeo.

He clapped and Clarissa did, too, but her heart wasn’t in it, and even Mack could tell that.

His daughter sent him a worried glance, and he pointed to his watch. “One more go, Mack, then we’ve got to get back to the ranch.”

Maybe it was time to start separating Mack from Clarissa. Maybe he’d misjudged what he’d thought was God’s prompting.
 

Clarissa asked Jed to make her apologies to Paul and Susie, but she was tired and there was no way she could spend time with the family watching them so happy and content together.

Plus she wanted to fall into Jed’s arms and cry and tell him everything and that would be a mistake. She needed to push it all back in the depths of her brain, forget and go on. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, depending on herself and no one else.

She almost made it to the bunkhouse but a full laugh she knew too well caught her attention. Tammy Jo. And Paul Dillon. Standing outside the stables looking way too chummy.

Her heart caught.
No way, Tammy Jo. No way.
As she marched toward them Clarissa heard Tammy gasp and Paul murmured something about special promises.

Clarissa’s heart thundered in her ears. She should’ve insisted the sheriff take Tammy Jo back to Stearns. Should’ve put her on the first bus out of town. Should have left town with her if that’s what it took.

Clarissa’s mother saw her first. But she didn’t jump away from Jed’s father in guilt, she just kept on smiling and called out, “Come over here, Clarissa. It’s miraculous.”

Confusion hit her first. And then skepticism. Tammy didn’t do anything without ulterior motives. But her voice sounded so normal. She trudged the last few steps up the path to the clearing and fence. And there she saw what her mother was so enchanted with.

A baby horse standing next to its mother.
 

“Her name’s Sugar.”

Her mother said the name with awe. And her face was different, too. It was like a single day on the ranch had done something. Scrubbed her clean. Turned her into someone different...someone who really did look at baby horses with wonder and awe. Someone who laughed with a man without anything more in mind.
 

“She’s beautiful,” Clarissa whispered because she couldn’t seem to make her voice work normally in this moment.
 

As awe inspiring as the baby horse was, Clarissa couldn’t believe she was actually jealous of her mother right now.

“Paul, thank you so much,” Tammy put her hand on Jed’s father’s arm, and, suddenly, Clarissa saw clearly. Her mother hadn’t changed at all.

“Mr. Dillon, I appreciate everything you’ve done for us. Momma and I have a lot to catch up on.”

Paul’s eyes twinkled as he looked at her, and she saw he completely understood what was going on. “Why don’t I go on back up to the house and let you and your momma talk here.”

With that he started up the the hill to the house. A little hitch in his walk, but nothing too worrisome since he had his cane. He’d be offended if she tried to help him. So she waited until he was almost to the house then turned on her mother.

“Don’t even think about it.”
 

“I deserve that, I suppose.” Tammy looked away.
 

Clarissa refused to back down, refused to feel guilty about the accusation.

“Paul Dillon is a good man who opened his home to me and he’s allowed you to stay here as long as you’re willing to work. Don’t ruin this. Don’t think about making one of your moves.”

“You are crazy if you think a woman like me could ever get between Paul Dillon and his wife. Those two share a love that can’t be broken. But I don’t blame you for misreading what happened here. I’ve certainly never, well...look, Clarissa. Look at me.”

Clarissa did what her mother asked and was surprised at what she saw.
 

Work gloves, a muddy shirt. Filthy jeans tucked into work boots. Her mother’s face streaked with grime.