Letting Go (14 page)

“Have a seat, Mr. Whitaker.” She pointed to the chair in front of the desk, and leaned forward.

“Huh?” His head swung around, and then he sat in the chair, and moistened his lips. “I messed up. The minister said –”

“Minister?” She held back a groan. If he’d gotten advice from a preacher, well from someone like her former pastor, he was already on the wrong track.

“Yeah. I wasn’t sure what to do, who to talk to. Our church doesn’t have a problem with… well... He told me to be calm, to listen and not judge.” His neck and face reddened.

“Episcopal?” She had moved her church membership to a large Baptist church where the people weren’t so hateful. But a few of the parents in her support group joined Episcopal churches because they were gay friendly.

His head snapped up. “Yes… how’d you guess?”

She waved off his question, time was moving, and she had no idea what he wanted exactly. “How is BJ?” Robin still moped around the house and didn’t say much. She assumed he hadn’t talked to BJ since that night.

He leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Sad. Embarrassed. Closed off.” He slapped his leg and leaned back. “I’m not sure. He answers my questions with one syllable and won’t talk to me.” He paused. “Is it true? Are you okay with your son being like that?”

She bristled at his condescending tone. “Like what, Mr. Whittaker?”

His face reddened beneath his tan. “Call me Grant.”

She didn’t. Right now this couldn’t be about them. They’d deal with each other later now that she was relatively sure they had a future. But first she needed to help him understand life as he knew it had changed.

“Gay. You okay with that?” he asked when she remained silent.

“I love my son.”

“I love my son!” His jaw clenched and his nostrils flared.

She continued disregarding his outburst. “He could be purple with green stripes, would I like it? No. But I would adapt because I love him. Am I okay with his sexual orientation? Do I approve? None of those questions are important, because they put the focus on me.” She paused watching his expressions flit across his face. At least he listened.

“As his mother, I’m committed to raising a healthy, well-rounded, emotionally stable child. That’s not easy, but doable. So again, I ask what can I do for you, Mr. Whittaker?” She emphasized his formal name. This conversation would be handled from her seat as principal, as a professional and trained counselor. Very formal. He needed her in that role rather than a lover now.

“I’m… I’m messing this up. I haven’t been able to sleep since that night. I keep going over in my head what I did wrong to send him in that direction. How’d I miss this? I should’ve picked up clues or something, but there was nothing! The whole thing blindsided me. How is that possible? Why didn’t I see?”

She exhaled, understanding the guilt, the confusion and the anger. “You did nothing wrong. BJ is a respectful, kind-hearted, intelligent young man with a bright future. He told me he has a chance of a football scholarship. That takes talent.”

“But… but…”

“He’s gay. Is that the end of the world? No. How you handle everything now will shape your future with him.”
And us
.

She pushed back, opened a drawer and pulled out a pamphlet. “Here.” She slid it across her desk to him. “When my sister told me Robin was gay, I didn’t believe her. She noticed the signs. Not me. I asked him about it, and he admitted to being bi-sexual.” She pointed to the pamphlet.

“PFLAG?” he asked, frowning while flipping open the brochure.

She nodded. “Parents, families, and friends of lesbians and gays. I joined a local chapter and listened to other parents.” Her skin tightened in remembrance of challenges other parents endured. “I realized my son and I still had a solid relationship, he was home… not on the streets somewhere. He wanted the same things he’d always wanted, to play sports, practice martial arts, and to go to college.” She ticked them off on her fingers. “I had to adjust, to adapt.”

She shook her head, recalling those early days. Talking to Robin about his feelings and sexuality hadn’t been something she enjoyed, not at first. But he was inexperienced, still a virgin, and that made things a lot easier. She had gotten to him before he picked up a lot of wrong information. They attended a few PFLAG meetings and events together, met other parents and teens, which went a long way to dispel the tension at home. Plus, Robin wasn’t feminine like other boys, and after meeting BJ, she assumed his attraction was similar.

“You weren’t… aren’t embarrassed?” he asked, his voice a low rumble.

“At first, yes. But not as much now. I avoid people with gay prejudices and encourage my son not to allow anyone to treat him as a doormat or punching bag. Not happening. I believe, with everything within me, he is worthy of respect as an individual, and has the right to live his life in a safe environment without fear because of his preferences. I will fight anyone who says anything different.”

She hoped he heard her warning. If he didn’t want his son with Robin, that was on them, but she wouldn’t allow him to piss on her baby. And of course she wanted nothing to do with a man who couldn’t accept her son.

“You’re right.” He sighed and stood. “I want to get where you are. I need to have that passion, because right now… I’m lost. I don’t want to hear stories from other parents. I don’t want my son to be this way. I want him normal.”

“Like you. Right?” She shook her head even though she understood. “You want him to be like you, have your preferences, see things through your lens, to be your mini-me?”

“No.”

She smiled at his quick denial. “Yes. We all feel that way. We’re parents. Our job is to instill core values and beliefs in our children. We teach them to respect authority, to behave a certain way in public, to use forks to eat, to stay away from open flames. But we can’t teach them who to love. We can hope that they meet someone who appreciates them, who has the same values, and want the same things… but the heart… we can’t regulate that for ourselves, let alone our children. So we adapt. We teach the basics and let go.” She ignored the heat that flared in her chest at the mention of her heart.

“Let go?”

“Robin’ll be seventeen soon, I found out he liked boys a few months ago on spring break. Not the best time for me, but I had to make time to learn what to do, how to interact, most importantly, I learned what all this meant to him. I went to meetings, listened, learned and let go. I can’t change who Robin is. I accepted him for who he believes he is right now. He may change later.” She licked her lips and met his gaze. “I apologize the way I handled things with you, but at the time I focused on getting my head on straight dealing with my son. Plus, I didn’t think you’d be interested in me if you knew.”

He frowned. “If I knew you had a gay son?”

She nodded.

“I won’t lie and say I would’ve been comfortable around him, but that wouldn’t have changed my feelings about you. I’m not that shallow.”

“But your party hates gays.” The look she sent dared him to call her a liar.

He shrugged. “They’re not too keen on interracial dating either; ask me if I give a damn.”

She smiled knowing the answer. He’d invited her more places than she could attend, she knew he didn’t care what others thought. “They are hard on gay rights and I didn’t want you to choose sides. Saying that now in light of everything sounds selfish and condescending, at the time I thought it best. Again, I’m sorry for the disappearing act.”

“You didn’t want me to choose sides so you made the choice for me. You didn’t think I’d choose you?”

And that was the underlying fear she’d refused to voice. She’d cared deeply for two men in her life. Her husband chose someone else over her, and she assumed Grant would choose his career. So she made the decision for them.

She nodded slowly and met his gaze. “You’re right. I didn’t think you’d choose me. Was I wrong?” Her heart raced while waiting for his response.

He glanced at the clock. She followed his gaze. They had fifteen minutes to finish.

“If this conversation is about us, I’ll answer that at dinner later this week. You choose the restaurant. If you’re still talking to me as a school administrator, then tell me how you let go.”

She smiled as warm tendrils curled in her belly, glad he picked up what she’d been doing speaking so formal. “I let go of everything I thought I understood about gays, about being gay, and about parenting a gay kid. It simplified my life and brought me and my son closer.”

“So I should just… let go?” He stood with the pamphlet in his hand. “I’m not sure I can do that. But, I may not have a choice.” He stared at the colorful brochure and then looked in her direction. “Thank you. I feel… I feel a little better talking with you, but that is normal. I miss you and I want us to sit and talk when my heads a little clearer.”

“Good, I’d like that.”

His eyes lit as he stared at her. “I…I’ll contact this group today.” He turned and walked to the door. Happiness welled in her chest now that they were on a path that could lead to a future.

“It’s one thing to sit in a group with strangers who are going through the same thing, but another to talk with someone who knows BJ. He thinks you’re the sun and he misses… he misses your son. His car should be out the shop soon. I grounded him for Friday night –”

“Friday night?”

He waved. “Yeah, we live a couple hours from you, but the theater wasn’t that far from your house. I understand now.”

She frowned. “What happened Friday night?”

“That’s when I saw them, at the movies. I didn’t know for sure, but after watching them, I suspected.”

“You followed him to the movies?”

“No. I was on my way to Kip’s house in Lieb, but had to drive through town and I saw them.”

She nodded, glad he wasn’t creepy. “Okay. If you need to talk, call me. And don’t worry about grounding BJ. He expected you to do something. It would’ve been odd if you didn’t react. Just… go to a meeting, and learn. Our lives have changed.”

He stared at her a little longer, nodded, and left her office.

The door closed, and she counted to ten with her eyes closed to slow down to stop the constant throb between her thighs. She pulled her jacket over her pebbled nipples and exhaled. The bell rang. Standing, her heartbeat hadn’t slowed since he asked for alone time with her. Images of them on the bed, the shower and living room refused to return to the recess of her mind where she’d banished them. His words set them free to wreak havoc on her senses.

“Dr. Riley?” a voice said through the intercom.

“I need a few minutes, I’ll be there shortly,” she said plopping back into her chair.

Chapter 13

It had been three months since Kelly attended a PFLAG meeting. Tonight she and Robin walked into the large brick building with murals of every ethnicity and gender on the walls and signed in.

“Hey Robin, how you doing?” Charlie, one of the females who'd decided to get in touch with her masculine side, called from the other side of the room.

Robin smiled and headed toward the small cluster of teens hovering near the gym. “See you later, Mom.” She nodded and headed in the opposite direction, the discussion should have begun by now. Tardiness was something she abhorred, but some days it stuck to her like glue. She pushed open the door and was met with smiles and waves from most of the attendees.

“Good to see you again Kelly, and congratulations on your promotion,” Matt, the coordinator, stopped addressing the group to call out to her.

“That’s right, Principal Riley now,” one of the women said, smiling.

Kelly smiled, unable to remember the older woman’s name. She placed the gallon jug of sweet tea on the refreshment table before responding. “Yes it is, thanks everyone, sorry I’m late.” She glanced around the room for Grant relief, followed by disappointment flowed through her at his absence. He hadn’t called since that day in her office. Not a word. She’d been tempted to contact him, but remembered how out of it, she’d been with Robin in the beginning and left him alone. Work consumed most of her time, which kept missing him to a minimum. And now this thing with Robin’s attitude bugged her.

BJ and Robin were talking again, but didn’t spend as much time together as before. Robin’s grades suffered. She still recalled the discussion she had with the guidance counselor a couple of days ago at her son’s school. He had missed assignments and hadn’t been turning in his homework. When she confronted him, he had no answer, and nothing she said made a difference. She finally asked if he and BJ had broken up and he said no, but things were different. BJ was pulling away, trying to be more like his dad or something. His reaction threw her for a loop, despite knowing he had a boyfriend, she hadn’t expected him to react like a lovesick… girl. She didn’t know how to handle this.