Letting Ana Go (8 page)

Me: I think that might be hunger. We didn’t eat enough food today to sustain the life of a minnow.

Jill: Might I take this moment to say it is
so
much easier to do this diet
with
someone?

Me: Enjoy it now. I might not survive the boat trip.

Finally, we turned off the light and lay there next to each other in bed. Jill said she wished we could sleep on the upper deck with the guys under the stars. Then she asked me a question.

Jill: So. You and Jack?

Me: Maybe.

Jill: How did this happen?

Me: I don’t know exactly. We were lying on the rafts when you and Rob climbed on board this afternoon, and all of a sudden we were holding hands.

Jill: There were no other warning signs? You’ve known each other for over a decade.

Me: True, but only as your big brother, and me only as your best friend. Generally, every time he saw me at your place I was a sweaty mess after cross-country practice.

Jill just woke up and kicked me out of the bathroom. I can’t believe I was in there writing for this long. Sitting on the edge of
the tub doesn’t feel so good, but I do feel better about the Great Doughnut Gem Incident in the kitchen this morning. Just like folding up socks and T-shirts in my dresser, I know where it goes now. In light of everything else I’ve written down, it doesn’t seem so bad. A few moments of embarrassment, neatly tucked away.

Besides, it was only sixty extra calories. I’ll just go easy at lunch.

And no more sneaking food
.

I will not turn into my mother.

Weight:
126

This morning when I woke up, I sneaked into the kitchen and got a cup of yogurt and a bottle of water, then climbed up onto the upper deck. Rob and Jack were already in the water, both of them wearing goggles, swimming laps—sort of. They’d swim out from the boat, then turn around and swim back. Neither of them noticed me until they climbed back up the ladder, laughing and panting. Rob shook his dark curls like a wet dog and I squealed and tried to roll out of the way.

Rob: I’m hitting the shower.

Me: Good luck. I think Jill is in there.

Rob: Maybe I’ll join her.

Jack: Dude. I’m standing right here.

Rob: Maybe I’ll rephrase.

Me: Maybe you’ll bring me another water as penance?

Rob: Anything for you, hot stuff.

Jack: Dude . . .

Rob: I know, I know. You’re standing right there.

Rob disappeared down the ladder with his patented hangdog smirk firmly in place, and I laughed while Jack rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his short blond hair. He threw both arms up in the air and turned around slowly, taking in the sights around us once more. The sun glinted off the water droplets that coursed over his shoulders and followed the beautiful curves and divots of the muscles in his back before trickling down the waistband of his board shorts.

That’s one thing for sure about this trip: The view never gets old.

(And the lake isn’t bad either.)

He kissed me.

It’s funny how you think you
know
how certain things are going to happen. I have them all planned out in my head. It’s like the movie scripts we worked on last year in English. Mr. DeWalt brought in sample scripts and put us in groups and we
each had to adapt a different scene from
To Kill a Mockingbird
. Anyway, we learned about writing the locations and the camera shots and dialogue, and now sometimes I catch myself scripting the things I should say, or wish I’d have said, or hope to get to say.

I was hoping he’d kiss me. Only in the script I had in my head, it was late at night on the upper deck under the big yellow moon, which seems to be getting lower and lower in the sky every evening. It’s a waxing gibbous—almost full. (See, Mrs. Brewer? I did learn something in earth science.)

EXT. NIGHT—HOUSEBOAT ON LAKE POWELL

A yellow summer MOON hangs low in the sky, lighting purple cliffs and the eyes of seventeen-year-old
JACK
, standing at the railing with
ME
at his elbow.

JACK
: It’s almost perfect out here.

ME
: Almost?

JACK
: Yep. It’s just . . .

ME
: Just what?

JACK
: There’s too much noise.

ME
(
laughing
): Too much noise? It’s just us talking.

JACK
(
devilish grin
): I know. I have to make that stop.

JACK
takes me in his ARMS.

EXT. NIGHT—CONTINUOUS

We push into a CLOSE-UP on
JACK
and
ME
kissing, first gently and then passionately, as we PULL OUT and swirl around them, circling them twice, then flying up and away over their heads and the boat zooming out across the water, up the side of the purple cliffs, and fading to white on the MOON.

But that’s not how it happened.

We were lying on the rafts again, and Rob had just rolled off his into the water, splashing Jill into a narrow-eyed state of revenge that fueled her attempt to leap onto his head as he swam toward the boat, in an apparent attempt to drown him.

Of course, she weighs 108 pounds (as of this morning), and Rob just continued swimming toward the boat, dragging her along with him, until we were all laughing so hard that if they hadn’t reached the ladder, they might actually have drowned in their own mirth. Rob asked Jack if he wanted something to eat and I realized I hadn’t eaten since our turkey roll-ups at lunch, but today, I wasn’t even hungry.

I realized my body has adjusted to Jill’s 1,700 calories and I haven’t even thought about it today. I’ve conquered 1,700 calories! It’s almost dinnertime, and I haven’t looked at the sun over the cliffs and tried to guess how close we are to being able to eat again, or asked Rob what time it is on his big waterproof
watch. As I thought about this, I smiled to myself. Not a big, crazy smile, just a tiny “to myself” smile, and Jack looked at me as I did and he noticed my private smile and he got a tiny smile himself.

EXT. DAY—LAKE POWELL—CONTINUOUS

Camera floats above
JACK
and
ME
lying on separate rafts, facing each other.

JACK
: What?

ME
: Nothing.

JACK
: It doesn’t look like nothing.

ME
: What does it look like?

JACK
: I dunno. Like you’re . . . happy.

ME
: I guess I am.

JACK
: When you smile like that it makes me want to kiss you.

ME
: Oh, really?

JACK
: Yeah, really.

JACK
reaches out and pulls my raft closer, then puts one hand on my cheek and leans over and places his lips against mine. He is gentle and his lips taste like ChapStick, warm and smooth against mine. I feel the sun hot on my back, and the water is warm on my legs as I reach out toward his raft, trying to pull him closer to me. I feel his tongue brush against mine, and his breath on my cheek as he tries to adjust into a better angle on his raft, then—

CUT TO WIDE SHOT—EXT. LAKE POWELL—CONTINUOUS

JACK
jerks away as his raft slips out from under him. He splashes and thrashes into the water, pulling
ME
along with him. We laugh and cough, then
JACK
drapes his arm around his raft and pulls
ME
close with the other. Suddenly, our legs are tangled up, and my arms are around his broad shoulders, holding on.

ME
(
nervous laughing
): Don’t want to pull you under.

JACK
: You’re weightless in the water.

ME
(
rolling my eyes
): I am not.

JACK
pulls
ME
even tighter.

JACK
(
whispers
): I got you.

JACK
kisses
ME
again. This time we melt into each other and we kiss for a long time, bodies wrapped around each other, his arm pulling me tightly against him.

CAMERA PULLS OUT—LAKE POWELL—CONTINUOUS

Camera pulls away from
JACK
and
ME
floating in the clear cool water, pans up the orange canyon walls standing guard around us, and fades into the bright rays of the desert sun.

I guess it wasn’t particularly graceful. It wasn’t the script I’d written, that’s for sure, but when Jack kissed me it was perfect, just as it happened.

I’m ready for the sequel.

Weight:
127

Today was our last full day on the water, and Jill was right about one thing: her parents got tanked at dinner and were downstairs in their stateroom by 11 p.m. After her parents disappeared, Jill snuck downstairs with Rob and came back with an open bottle of chardonnay they’d left on the counter and cups for all of us. Dad let me have a sip of wine once at his brother’s wedding, but I’d never been handed a whole glass.

Rob made a toast about “gorgeous scenery” and “lovely ladies” and “a week to remember” and Jack laughed and rolled his eyes, and then held his glass up and looked straight at me.

Jack: To more than friends.

If the moon hadn’t been so bright, no one would’ve seen me blush, but it was and they did. Rob made a horse sound. Jill smacked his bare arm. Jack and I laughed, and then we pulled out the big cushions the guys have been sleeping on all week and lay down on them and stared up at the stars.

Lying next to Jack on the deck felt different from floating next to him in the water. He had one hand under his head, and I used his biceps and shoulder as a pillow. I fit perfectly against
him, my head tucked up under his chin. He felt so sturdy, every inch of him solid and strong. Jill was holding forth on the evils of light pollution and I knew without looking at her that she was wearing her wide-eyed pronouncement face. Then all of a sudden she stopped yammering on midsentence and I glanced over to see Rob kissing her. Jack knew what was happening without looking and groaned that they should get a room. Jill giggled and Rob said “gladly” and they went belowdecks, leaving Jack and me with the sound of the water against the boat.

The stars were so bright out here, and there were so many that the sky looked almost hazy with stripes of twinkling beams. Jack was quiet, and every time he took a breath, I felt his chest rise and fall against my body. It was a different kind of floating, a tide that made me feel like I was drifting closer to him—not physically, but on the inside. Jack must have felt it too, because right at that moment he turned and kissed my hair. He didn’t say anything at all, just held his lips there, and he took a deep breath, like he was trying to breathe me in.

The wine was making my head warm, and I felt my heart speed up as I pressed my whole body closer to his. In one slow movement, he rolled toward me and slid his arm under the small of my back, pulling me tightly against him. His lips found
mine and he kissed me long and deeply, like he was hungry and he couldn’t get enough. I wrapped both arms around his broad shoulders and felt the strength pulsing through his whole body as he held me close. I felt so safe, tucked beneath him, his thick arm wrapped around me, holding on to me like he was drowning in the warmth of my breath and I was the only thing that would keep him afloat.

I slid my hands under the hem of his tank top and let my fingers wander up the knots of muscle in his back and shoulders. He rolled a little to the side, and I felt his hand on my cheek, then it slid down my neck and over my shirt. For a second I was worried. I wished my breasts were bigger and wondered how they felt under his fingers. His touch was firm like the rest of him, but gentle, and suddenly I had goose bumps on my arms. I wanted him to
like
touching me, to
like
the feel of my body as much as I liked the feel of his.

All at once I was so glad that I’d been watching my calories with Jill. I felt lean and pretty under the spell of Jack’s hands. I reached up and touched his face, and he moaned softly as his hand found the soft bare skin of my stomach, and he moved his face there, planting tender kisses just above the waist of my shorts, my fingers tangled in his hair.

Right at that second, we heard Jill and Rob laughing on the
stairs. Jack moved back up for a quick kiss on the forehead and whispered one word in my ear:

Damn.

He looked at me with the sweetest smile, his eyes on fire, his cheeks flushed. I winked at him and whispered:

To be continued.

Rob had brought up another half-full bottle of white wine, and we all lay on the cushions laughing and talking and staring at the stars. We must’ve drifted off to sleep because at some point, Jill was shaking my shoulder and whispering that we had to get back downstairs before her mom got up. The light was gray and purple over the cliffs as I slipped out from underneath Jack’s arm and tiptoed back belowdecks to the room I shared with Jill. She fell asleep as soon as we were between the sheets, but I couldn’t think about anything but writing all of this down. I have to try to organize what is going on in my head, and inside my heart. I’ve never kissed a boy like that before. Mom is always saying I have to keep my head on my shoulders and keep boys’ hands off to the side. I guess I’ve always been afraid of not knowing what would happen if a guy actually
did
touch me like that.

There’s something about Jack—something I can see in his eyes, and hear in his voice, and feel in his touch—that I know will never hurt me. I wasn’t afraid of having him touch me,
only that I wouldn’t be good enough somehow, and after what happened last night, I’m pretty sure that isn’t an issue.

Jill is lying here snoring a little bit and drooling on her pillow a lot, and I’m scribbling in this food diary like a crazy person. I can’t even think about closing my eyes. I have this floaty feeling just beneath my chin—almost like a bubble of pure happiness and excitement, mixed with that feeling when you go over the first drop of a roller coaster. I’m not sure I’d call it love. I don’t think I’ve ever been in
love
before. That word seems so . . . serious. Maybe this is what Jill means when she says she’s in
lust
with Rob, but I feel like this isn’t
just
about Jack having a hot body, or being turned on by him. I think this feeling is probably a crush. It’s been growing inside of me since that day at the pool when I first saw Jack as something different from my best friend’s brother. It’s a feeling that’s grown a lot during this week on the boat. It’s a feeling I think could grow into love.