Letters to Brendan (5 page)

A few months later Brendan heard that you were engaged. Shortly after that he announced he had to tell us something important. He said he hadn`
t  been
able to save your love, h
e
hadn`t fought enough. At least he wanted to fight for his country now. A few weeks later he was sent to Afghanistan.

Oh, Rosaly, how can I tell you? Brendan went to war and did not come back. He was hit by a hand grenade. They send us his belo
ngings, among it Kerouac`s “On t
he Road”, and gave us a medal for his commitment. He died as a hero, for his country. But I am asking myself again and again, was it really his country?
This America?
That made wars?
Wasn`t a whole different America his?
A free country with never ending roads that he had always dreamed of?
For me, the hardest thing was that now he would never see all those places.

But I like to imagine him at a better place now.
And maybe his heaven looks a little bit like a highway wit
h view of the Rocky Mountains.

Oh, my sweet child, I hope it doesn`t hit you too hard.

I have to
honestly admit that I mainly blamed you for Brendan`s death. Had you stayed, he would have never got that crazy idea to be become a soldier. He`d maybe be married by now and I`d be having grandchildren. But this I was refused to have, ever.

But since I found Brendan`s letter, which was like a wake up call to me, and I have forgiven you, I just had to know
how you have been doing. I
always believed
that
you
found happiness.

Please
don`t take it badly, but after
read
ing
your first letter, I couldn`t stop and I read them all. Of course I skipped the personal parts, but I was able to realize how
awful you feel there in Roseville with your husband. And I felt terribly sorry hearing about your try to escape. I cannot understand how your mother is reacting to the situation. You are absolutely
right,
you must get your children out of there.
As soon as possible.
Or they will suffer forever. But you are also right on one other point, it doesn`t work without any help. You can`t make it on your own. And that is why I want to offer you - all of you - my help.

I would let you stay with me, but as long as your parents are living in the same town, I don`t think that is a good idea. But I have a sister where I could place you for a while.
I already asked her and she would
be glad to give you shelter.

So please think about it and let me know if you will accept my help. I feel unbelievably guilty about the anger I had for you, and I want to make it up. Brendan would have wanted it that way.

I know
you have a lot to cope with
now
. I hope Brendan`s letter
will give you some hope.

I hope to hear from you soon. And I hope you are alright.

All the best,

Cecilia Sanders

Dear Rosaly

I a
m desperate. Why did you
leave me?

How will I go on with
out you? How will I wake up every
morning? How will I ever become happy again?

Oh, my love, I think of you every day and every night. You are everything I want, everything I need.
What will be without you now? How can I discover America without you? I set off already, but even after a hundred miles I knew it wouldn`t bring me anything. America, Kerouac, the wilderness, the distance, they are not important anymore. You alone are. Why should I go looking for something at a far away place, when I`ve found my luck here already? I was so close to it, how could I let it slip away?

I guess there are only a few people who are chosen to experience real love. I was one of them.

You were the one
.
Each moment with you was heaven on earth. I realized that when I was on the road. And I also realized that I had to try everything to save our love. I turned around and went home as fast as I could. I looked for you. I wanted you. But then I heard you have given your heart to someone else already.
And I`m not so sure anymore if your love was strong like mine.
I have always believed it. And I want to go on believing it.

I`d really like to know why you left. Was it beca
use of some stupid mistake I made
unintentionally? Was there some other guy? Was it the pressure? Was it
because you changed so much on my account? Did you still want to be beauty queen instead of world traveler? We were
so unlike
.
But we felt the same passion. I just know – deep in my heart – that our love was true. No, it wasn`t just imagination. It was all I ever wanted. You were all I ever wanted.

And now there`s only one thing left that I want, I want you to be happy.
Even if
it means without me.
I guess
I will never know the reasons, but they`re not important anymore. Only you
are,
your future and your bliss.

I love you so much and I will never stop loving you.

My beautiful Rosaly, whatever may come, I will always be with you
,
with
my thoughts and with my heart.

Thank you for t
hat wonderful summer in which you
showed me love. In which you taught me what it means to accept, to respect and to love another person unconditionally.

I will never forget you.

I love you!

Brendan

April 2, 2012

Dear Mrs. Sanders

I still can`t believe what has happened. All these years I pictured Brendan on the road, travelling from town to town, being happy and healthy. I never would have had the thought he might not be there anymore.

Oh, dear Lord, why? I can`t stop blaming myself. If I had never left him, he would still be alive. He`d be happy. We would both be happy. How one single decision can influence the lives of so
many.
I am unbelievably sorry that you lost your only child. I
have two children of my own… - b
ut y
ou know that already if you
read my letters.
By the way, I`m not mad at you fo
r reading them.
I`m even glad, be
cause now I know the truth.
Even if i
t hurts.
But all this time I
wondered why Brendan didn`t reply my letters, now I know the reason.

You know, writing these letters was the only
support I had in the last couple of years. It was like talking to a therapist. It helped me a lot, even if only soul-wise. Physically and emotionally I am still stuck in this misfortune.

Who will I confide in
from now on?
I can`t believe you really want to help me. You must hate me
! Brendan is dead because of me!
But I guess nobody can hate me any more than I do myself.

Now about your offer.
It`s so very generous. But I think
I can`t risk it once more
. The last attempt failed, why should it work this time?

I can`t do that to my kids again. And since the last time Vince is watching every step I take. He locks me inside the house and I`m not allowed to go
anywhere,
he even joins me when I go to the supermarket.
He has told the neighbors some story about me and now they keep an eye on me too. I don`t know how I could ever get the possibility to runaway. Furthermore
,
Vince doesn`t give me any housekeeping allowance anymore, so
I
don`t have any money at all.

It`s really, really nice of you and meant well, but I guess I will not consider it. What if it goes wrong again? I don`t even want to imagine Vince`s anger. I am very afraid of him. I just want to try to please him
now. That is
best for everyone.

I hope you can understand me.

I want to thank you for sending me Brendan`s letter. I have read it at least a thousand times. And I can`t stop crying.
Over our lost love, our never fulfilled plans, my wrong decision, my feelings of guilt, his too short life, this injustice.

Thank you for everything.

Please give my regards to your husband.

I will include you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Rosaly
Sherwood

April 7, 2012

My dear
Rosaly

I hope you are well.

Thank you for your letter. Of course I can understand you, but I can`t accept the decision that you made.

I know it sounds hard, but you have already made
one wrong decision
that you will re
gret for the rest of your life.
Do you want to make another one? For years you
have been
fighting with yourself. I can still remember you, you were so strong. I don`t want to believe that you don`t have it inside you anymore.

And you don`t have the responsibility for
just yourself
. Do you want your
girls
,
when they think back to their childhood,
see their mom with swollen eyes and bruises? Do you want them to remember how their parents never got along? Remember their brutal dad, their crying mom?
Or do you want them to remember a happy childhood that their mother, after all this pain, still gave them? And remember Picnics in the park, trips to the ocean, a happy, laughing mother?

Rosaly, wouldn`t you wish that for your children?

I am aware that it won`t be easy, being on the run. You might even have to take new identities. But it will be worth it. And this time you are not alone.
I really want to help you and
at least you to get happy. Brendan would scold me for hesitating so long.

I am begging you, Rosaly, please wake up from your self pity and do something! You can make
it,
you can start a whole new life. You can finally find happiness. And surely you will also find a man one day who loves you the way Brendan did.

I hope so much that you take the right decision.

Let me know soon whether you want to accept my help.

Yours,

C. Sanders

PS, I add 300 Dollars for you to have some money in case of emergency.

April 10, 2012

Dear Mrs. Sanders

I`m doing it!

I`m so touched that you`re supporting me like this. I haven`t been used to that for a long time.

Thank you too for being honest with me. You opened my eyes in the most brutal way.

Please let me know how we will proceed.

Rosaly

PS, Thank you so much for the money.

PPS, I`d be grateful if we coul
d continue exchanging information in the form of letters, because Vince checks the caller list.

April 14, 2012

Dear Rosaly

I hoped and prayed that I would be able to convince you, and that you would take this decision.

I prepared everything needed already.
My sister is prepared too. F
or your own protection I don`t want to tell you her name or the name of the city where she lives yet. But you can stay there with her as long as you want to. I already informed a social lady who will come to meet you
,
and decide
together with you
what will be best for you and your girls. There are different kind
s
of possibilities.

All that you have to do now is get mentally ready for it. As soon as you are out of the house, there is no coming back.

Also, you somehow have to make it to be alone in the house with the girls, without Vince nearby. Think of something and let me know. I will come myself and get you out of there. I will drive you to my sister who lives in a big house with enough
place
for the three of you. And I will stay with you until you are settled in. I will be there for you. You just have to trust me.

I will be waiting for further details.

Be brave!

C. Sanders

April 17, 2012

Dear Mrs. Sanders

It`s still hard to believe that you want to do all this for us. By now I am determined. I know it`s the right thing.
For me and my girls.
It still breaks my heart to tear them away from their daddy. But it`s the best for them too.

Vince goes out bowling with his buddies on Thursday nights. At least that`s what he tells me. He never comes back before midnight. The only problem would be if he`d lock me in the bedroom again. But even then I will make up something, even if it means climbing out the first floor window. But maybe I can make him believe I have something to do in the kitchen, bake a cake for school for example.
Don`t worry, I will think of something.