Let Love Find You (40 page)

Give the figurine to Devin. It’s very important that he not lose it. He’s too young to understand now, but when he’s older, he will, and will realize how much I loved him. When he’s a man, remind him of the horse.

That was it? How the devil were cryptic words like that supposed to lead him to his father? He stared hard at the figurine, still covered in dirt. Could a name have been etched into the porcelain or painted on it, too tiny for him to have noticed when he was a child? Had he even examined the horse before he buried it? He couldn’t remember, but doubted it.

He got up and grabbed a towel to wipe the horse clean. He got all the dirt off it except for what had lodged in a thin seam on the underbelly where the porcelain halves had been joined. The seam on the upper horse had been polished to smoothness, but less care had been taken with the underside, which wouldn’t be in view while the horse stood on display. But no hidden words were written in the fancy trappings painted on the horse.

He was too tired to figure out Elaine’s cryptic words. Even if he did find a name etched on the figurine, it would probably be the name of the artist who made it. My God, still no answer? Angrily, he started to throw the horse at the fireplace, what he should have done years ago. He wasn’t sure what stopped him this time, but he went downstairs to the kitchen instead to find a knife to dig the dirt out of the seam. He had to examine every single inch of the figurine first,
then
he’d break it for good.

Back in his room, he grabbed the horse and sat on his bed with it, next to the lamp. But as soon as he picked at the dirt with the tip of the knife, it was pushed inside the figurine and the blade slid in with it. An open crack and wider than it should have been, as if it were intended that way. So something could be slipped inside?

Excited now, he inserted the blade as far as it would go and twisted it. It didn’t pry the horse apart, merely broke off a piece of the porcelain. To hell with trying to preserve the thing. He wrapped the horse in the towel, went to the fireplace, and hit it against the granite mantel, then opened the towel and picked out a folded piece of paper from the broken pieces.

My dearest Devin,

I hope you have found this when you are old enough to understand. I couldn’t tell you the truth when you were a child, though I always intended to when you were grown. I’m sorry you must read it instead of hearing it from me, but fate decreed it so. I make no excuse for myself. I loved your father, even after I found out he wasn’t worth loving. The heart is so foolish that way. But Lord Garth was charming, handsome, and he professed to love me, too. I was young enough to believe him without question. It was
a lie. He told all his women that, it’s how he seduced them. Don’t ever be that way, Devin. Don’t ever say those words unless you mean them.

I thought he would marry me, even though he stopped pursuing me after he got what he wanted from me. I didn’t know he was already married, that he even had children. He didn’t confess that until I found him and told him about you. I was devastated. His true nature was revealed. He was no more than a heartless rake, not a father for you to be proud of. He didn’t even apologize for what he’d done to me. He thought giving me a house to live in was ample payment for ruining me. He even suggested that I leave you at an orphanage, the easy solution. This is the man who sired you. I kept you, of course. You weren’t even born yet, but I already loved you.

You may ask why I am telling you this now. I should also confess that I continued to love Garth Culley despite his callous treatment of me, though I was miserable because of it. Yet there was that foolish hope that someday he would forsake his family and come to us. His curiosity about you after you were born gave me hope. He didn’t actually want to meet you himself, but he sent his friend Lord Wolseley to check on you. That was the only nice thing he ever did for me. Lord Wolseley was a man whose love I could depend on. But this letter isn’t about Lawrence.

Eventually I came to feel nothing for your father other than the contempt he deserved. That is all I feel for him today. You are a man now. You have a right to know who he is and form your own opinion. He may even have found you before now. He may have changed and now regrets the
man he used to be. Anything is possible, I suppose, and if this is so, then I’m sorry for telling you this.

Lastly, please know that it broke my heart to send you away with my brother, but it was getting harder and harder to lie to you. You were such a smart boy. You were figuring things out for yourself much too soon. And I was afraid I would give in and tell you the truth before you were old enough to really understand. My worst fear was that you would want to meet Garth and would be impressed by him, might even want to be like him. He could be so charismatic when it suited his purpose. I couldn’t bear the thought of that happening. But I wouldn’t have left you in the country indefinitely. I missed you too much. And now, I’ve waited too long to bring you home to me.

The knot in Devin’s chest formed before he read the last words. His anger at his mother, which had been so painful to live with all these years, slowly faded away as the tears ran down his cheeks. She hadn’t abandoned him. She’d tried to protect him from a man she despised, a man who now wanted him dead. It was ironic, though, that for his sake she had hoped Garth Culley might have changed for the better, when instead, he’d changed for the worse. But at least now Devin knew who his enemy was.

“I
NEED A WORD
with you, Raphael, if you have a moment,” Devin said.

Amanda’s brother stepped outside and closed the front door behind him. Understandably, Devin’s having sent the butler to find him, Rafe looked a bit confused, particularly since Devin was holding the reins of his mount.

“You don’t want to come inside, I take it?”

“No, I don’t want to see Amanda yet.”

“And why is that? She’s been acting deuced strange these last couple days since you disappeared.” Then Raphael grinned. “Pining for you?”

Considering Raphael’s complete turnabout where Devin was concerned—he’d even implied that Devin should be courting his sister!—Devin was about to deal a double blow to him. The easiest way to do that was to say, “I’m on my way to London to confront my father.”

“Thought your father was dead.”

“My real father.”

Raphael’s eyes widened, then abruptly narrowed. “I see. Well, bloody hell. You couldn’t have mentioned this the other day when I was shoving you in Mandy’s direction?”

“I did tell you she could do better’n me.”

“So you did, but that meant absolutely nothing in the scheme of things. That you’re a bastard bloody well does.”

Devin winced. “Until this week, I didn’t even know who my father was.”

“Who is he?”

“I’d rather not say.”

Frustrated, Raphael demanded, “Why are we even having this conversation?”

“Because while I know I’m not good enough for her, and that I’d only be an embarrassment to your family, that didn’t stop me from falling in love with her.”

Raphael snorted. “You and half of London. And your point is?”

“I’ve compromised her. I’ll marry her if you see fit, but I’m in agreement with you that—”

Raphael’s blow landed on Devin’s jaw. It merely snapped his head to the side. The next blow to his middle doubled him over and cost him his breath. Raphael grabbed a handful of Devin’s hair, lifting his head for the third blow, which cracked against the side of his cheek.

But after that one he snarled, “Why aren’t you fighting back?”

It took a moment for Devin to straighten and start breathing again. “Because this is what I came here for. You can’t imagine the guilt I’m dealing with.”

Raphael backed away. “So I’m giving you what you want? To hell with that!”

“It wasn’t supposed to happen! I found Exter in her room, terrifying her with his threats to marry her by force. I got rid of him, but our emotions were heightened from the incident—it just happened, Rafe.”

“I didn’t need to hear the bloody details! Good God, I can’t believe I haven’t killed you already. Go away, Baldwin, and don’t come back.”

“I can’t oblige you in that. I’ve hurt her. I have to make that right before I bow out of the picture.”

“Don’t bother. I’ll let her know you’re a bastard.”

“I already told her that. It sparked her compassion, which is why she might think she’s in love with me, too. I need to help her to see the difference.”

“The only thing that’s going to happen if you come back here is I’m going to shoot you. Don’t ever get within sight of Amanda again!”

Raphael wound his way through the
guests looking for his sister. Again, she wasn’t among them. He spotted his wife and headed to her side instead.

“Is she still hiding in her room?”

“If you mean Mandy, yes, I do believe so. And why do you appear so . . . angry about it?”

He sighed. “I thought I was hiding it quite well.”

Ophelia patted his cheek. “You are, just not from me. So—why?”

“She’s not going to get herself married if she doesn’t get her arse down here. Did you find out why she’s barricaded herself?”

“She doesn’t want to talk about it, whatever
it
is. But you’re closer to her than the rest of us are. Why haven’t you asked her?”

He mumbled, “Because she bit my head off when I tried yesterday. She’s not upset, she’s furious.”

“Well, I have to disagree with that conclusion, since I found her crying.”

Raphael groaned. “A bundle of emotions? Well, now that I know why—”

“Wait just a moment. What do you mean that you know why? You were just asking me why! What just rang your bell?”

“Baldwin did. Mandy thinks she’s in love—with the wrong man. I need to go tell her why she’s not. Relieve her mind, et cetera.”

“Good luck with that!” Ophelia called after him.

Did she have to sound so amused? Raphael gritted his teeth and went straight upstairs to pound on Mandy’s door, but all he heard from inside was exactly what she’d said the last three times he’d knocked: “Go away.”

“Not this time, m’dear. Open the door now, or I’ll have to go to Father with what Baldwin just told me.”

The door swung open wide. “Devin’s come back?”

She tried to get past him, to go find the man. Raphael held her back and closed the door behind him. “A dozen men are downstairs hounding us with ‘Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?’ and I mention Cupid and you want to fly downstairs? Why is that?”

Her chin jutted out mulishly. “I don’t want to discuss
him
. Now let me out of here.”

“So you can go discuss him with—him? Sorry, but he didn’t stay, he’s—good God, don’t cry!

“I am
not
crying!” Amanda said furiously, but she swung around to hide it.

Raphael winced. He couldn’t abide tears, they quite undid him, but Amanda’s were usually fake. These weren’t. He started to put his hands on her shoulders but winced again when he heard the sniffle and stepped back with a sigh.

“Blister it, if you love him, then—”

“I don’t, I hate him.”

Raphael raised a brow, recognizing a whopper when he heard one. “He told me that he compromised you.” He heard her gasp. “Tell me he has some different definition for that than I do.”

She quickly wiped her eyes before she glanced back at him. “You mean he was just seen in my room and nothing else?”

“Yes!”

“No.” She turned around to stare at him. “It was something that just got out of hand. It was a mistake. It won’t be repeated. No one else has to know about it. I will
not
marry a man who doesn’t want me.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“I could shoot him right now. Yes, I’m quite sure.”

“No, I meant that he doesn’t want you? Seems to me that he does.”

She drew in her breath. “What exactly did he tell you to give you that impression?”

“He thinks you’re mistaking compassion for something else. He said he’d return to help you figure that out. He only stopped by on his way to London, something about going to meet his father.”

“He found out who the man is?”

“Apparently. Wouldn’t say who, not that it matters. Whether his father is a pauper or a lord, he’s still a bastard.”

“So? Don’t you dare think that would matter to me
if
I loved him.”

“But it does make you feel sorry for him, doesn’t it? Admit it, you’ve let pity—”

“Don’t be absurd. I merely understand him better now that I know about this secret of his. He’s let it affect his entire life. He’s let it make him feel unworthy. I think it’s ridiculous for a person to shoulder the blame for something that was done before he was even born. And you know very well Father wouldn’t turn him away because of that
if
I loved him.”

Raphael grinned. “You’re stressing that
if
an awful lot, m’dear. But buck up. He’ll probably return tomorrow and you can shoot him or tell him you love him. You might want to figure out which course of action you’ll take before then.”