Let Loose the Dogs (3 page)

Chapter Five

T
HERE WAS ONLY ONE SMALL WINDOW
in the infirmary, and the December afternoon light was already weak and fading. Votive candles flickered on stands at each corner of the bed where Sister Philomena lay dying, but they could not dispel the gloom. The room was chill, the fire in the grate meagre, as coal was apportioned out carefully even in the infirmary. The order was an austere one.

The three o’clock bell sounded, and Sister Genevieve, the infirmarian, knelt and kissed the floor then touched her crucifix to her lips as she had done at this hour every day for the past fifty years. She said a brief prayer and got stiffly to her feet. Sister Philomena opened her eyes. The bell had wakened her, or perhaps she wasn’t sleeping, just lying as still as she could to withstand the pain. She raised her hand, indicating she wanted the crucifix that was on the pillow beside her. Sister Genevieve picked it up and held it for her to kiss. In the infirmary the rule of silence was waived if necessary, but there was no conversation between the two nuns. In the last weeks of her illness, Sister Philomena had reverted to her own language, and she seemed to have difficulty understanding the Quebec patois of her nurse. Sister Genevieve had no English.

Sister Philomena of the Sacred Heart of Jesus had been in the infirmary for almost a month now, each day weaker. Dr. Corneille, a good pious man who ministered to the sisters, was appalled when he saw the nun’s condition. It was far too late, he said in his brusque way; he should have been called months ago. Mother St. Raphael had taken the rebuke as her due. The younger nun was in her charge. However, Sister Genevieve knew all too well that Sister Philomena had hidden her illness until the tumour was starting to break through the skin. She had gone about her duties, never complaining, although she was suffering terribly. Even now, in spite of the entreaties of the infirmarían, she also refused to take morphine or opium to alleviate her pain. Her response was unchanging. “I must bear my pain as Our Lord bore His.”

Sister Genevieve had asked Mother St. Raphael whether or not Sister Philomena of the Sacred Heart was perilously close to the sin of pride. However, the prioress was adamant. Their sister was withstanding the ravages of the cancer with the fortitude of the saints. They must all pray for her.

The infirmarian took the silver aspergillum from the bowl that was on the bedside table and sprinkled holy water on the bed. Sister Philomena opened her eyes and smiled at her.

“Thank you, Sister. I am so hot. Hell can hardly be worse than this.”

Fortunately, Sister Genevieve, who lacked humour, did not understand these words. She picked up the clean linen bandages from the bedside table, preparing to change the dressing at the nun’s breast. Sister Philomena could not keep back a moan of pain. As gently as she could, Sister Genevieve removed the soiled cloth, biting back her exclamation of pity. She had grown up on a farm before she entered the convent. Her father had hunted animals to provide the family with food, and she had seen these carcases dumped on the kitchen floor. The breast of the dying nun looked as if it had been destroyed by a blast of shot.

She bathed the wound with more of the holy water. Sister Philomena was hardly breathing, holding her lips pressed tightly together to hold back her moan of pain. Finally Sister Genevieve replaced the bandage and pulled up the thin blanket. Even its light weight seemed to cause pain, and she removed it at once.

Sister Philomena looked up at her. “Has my brother arrived yet?”

“Comment?
”

“My brother” - she searched for the word - “mon
frere? Est-il arrive?
”

Sister Genevieve shook her head. This was at least the fourth time the other nun had asked this question. She seemed to have forgotten that according to his telegram, her brother was catching the first train from Toronto, and he wouldn’t be arriving until early evening.

Sister Philomena was not yet of middle age, and although her face and limbs were emaciated, her brown eyes still had beauty. She was looking beseechingly at the older nun. In French, she said, “Please bring Mother St. Raphael to me.” She brought her hands together on her chest. “There is something I must confess.”

The nun pursed her lips. Sister Philomena had received the sacrament of Extreme Unction this morning with all of the little community present. Fr. Hiebert had heard her confession then. Surely she had not contaminated her soul in such a short space of time. Sister Genevieve did not want to fetch the prioress unnecessarily. She turned away, pretending not to understand. The other nun spoke again, her voice suddenly stronger.

“Please, I must talk to our Mother.”

Genevieve was rescued from her dilemma by the entrance of the prioress herself.

Mother St. Raphael was a tall woman, rather harsh of feature, except for a mouth that outside of the cloister would have been considered sensuous. She went straight to the bedside and placed her hand on the sick woman’s forehead.

“I am here, my child.”

Sister Philomena licked her dry, chapped lips. “I am so thirsty, Mother.”

Mother St. Raphael signalled to Sister Genevieve to hand her the sponge, and she squeezed some moisture into Sister Philomena’s mouth then wiped her face gently.

She was eased a little. “When will my brother be here?”

The prioress sighed. “Monsieur Lavalle is meeting him at the train station, and he will bring him here at once. Not more than two or three hours from now.” She spoke English that had only the slightest of French accent.

“Perhaps I will be in the arms of Our Lord by then.”

“It is not for us to predict when we are garnered,” said the prioress, but her reproof was soft.

Sister Philomena struggled to raise herself in the bed, but she couldn’t and was forced to lie back.

“Shall we help you to sit up?”

“No, I cannot bear it. But there is something I must tell you. Will you come closer?”

Mother St. Raphael pulled the chair up against the bed and leaned her head toward the other nun. Sister Genevieve was busy folding the linen bandages.

“Mother, I have been wrestling with such dark thoughts. They are blotting out the light of Our Lord’s face.”

“These are mere scruples, my dear little sister. You have been absolved of all your sins. You are going on the journey to Our God with a soul that has been cleansed of sin.” She stroked Sister Philomena’s cheek.

The nun pressed the prioress’s hand against her face.

“I know that my heart is still full of anger …”

“For whom, my child? You have been ever one of our most loving sisters. What is this anger?”

Sister Philomena became more agitated. “For the past three days, I have looked up at the corner of the room, there where the ceiling and the wall join. There, do you see it? A spider. Oh, it is so big. I asked Sister Genevieve to chase it away, but it always returns. It does not move.”

Involuntarily, Mother St. Raphael glanced up at the ceiling. The wall was whitewashed; and even though the light was dim, she could see nothing.

“Does this frighten you, my child?”

“At first yes, but now I see that our Saviour has sent it to me as a sign. There is a dark place in my soul. I must cleanse it before I die.”

She shifted restlessly, but the movement made her whimper. Mother St. Raphael waited patiently. When she spoke next, Sister Philomena’s voice was so low she was almost inaudible.

“I have hidden it even from my confessor. The Lord our God commands us to love and honour our father and our mother, but I do not.”

The prioress was surprised at what she heard. Sister Philomena had said so little about her life before she entered the convent as a postulant. She’d understood she had no family except for the one brother, older than she was. He had visited two times in the beginning but not for many years now.

“I led you to believe that both of my parents were dead, but that was not true.” She licked at her lips. “My mother was deceased, but my father was alive when I became a postulant.” She stopped. “It is he whom I reject in my heart. In spite of the words of Our Saviour, I can find no love for my father. I must not go to Our Lord’s house with such uncharitable thoughts.”

She was almost exhausted with the effort of talking, and Mother St. Raphael had to lean closer to hear what she said.

“What is your father’s sin that you cannot honour him?”

But the nun was distracted. She glanced upward. “Perhaps the spider has come to remind me of my shame.”

Mother St. Raphael stood up. “I will send for our father confessor once more if it will bring you peace. But you must not fret so. We are all only frail mortals. Our Lord sees everything and is ever merciful.”

She could not tell if her words had reached Sister Philomena because she had closed her eyes again. The prioress turned to the infirmarian and spoke to her in French. “Sister Genevieve, burn another stick of incense if you please and bring it close to the bedside. It will give her strength.”

She left the room with a soft rustling of her habit on the wooden floorboards.

Sister Genevieve took a strip of the linen and carefully wiped away the moisture from Sister Philomena’s forehead. She wrapped that piece in a separate strip and put it on the table. If Sister Philomena of the Sacred Heart of Jesus was truly a saint, this cloth would be a holy relic.

Chapter Six

T
HE INFIRMARY WAS IN A LOW
, single-storey wing off the east side of the main convent. An arched, covered walkway ran the length of the building, the openings small and high. In front of that was a row of hemlocks. The snow was smooth and deep as far as the trees. No shrubs poked up, no mark of human activity. At a different season, the courtyard might have appeared tranquil, but today, in the winter night, the sombre dark stone of the convent walls seemed bleak and desolate.

At the end of the path, almost hidden by the evergreens, there was a narrow door. As Murdoch and the driver of the sleigh that had brought him from the station approached, it opened and a nun beckoned them in. “Bonjour, Monsieur. I am Sister Agnes. I regret we meet under such sorrowing circumstances.”

With a tip of his cap to Murdoch, the driver tromped off the way they had come.

“He will bring your valise,” Sister Agnes said to Murdoch. She hesitated. “You may stay as long as you wish. Our accommodation is very simple but, I hope, adequate.”

They were standing in an anteroom devoid of furnishings, with an uncovered flagstone floor and whitewashed stone walls. The extern had a lamp but the wick was turned low, and where they were was dim and so cold he could see his own breath white on the air.

“When can I see my sister?”

The nun glanced away. “I regret that according to our rule you will not be able to see her in person.”

Murdoch was well aware of the rule, but he wanted to defy it, to vent his anger on the women who applied it so rigidly.

“Surely you can make an exception in this case?”

“I regret, Monsieur, that is for our Mother to decide. However, we have arranged to have our sister brought to the infirmary parlour. She is very weak, but it is possible you can speak to her.”

She turned and opened another door behind her, and he followed her into a narrow corridor, like the anteroom uncarpeted and bare. Their footsteps rang on the stone floor. She unlocked yet another door and ushered him into a small room.

“Please be seated, Mr. Murdoch. I will be but a moment.”

The parlour contained only three straight-backed chairs and a low table. A single candle burned in a wall sconce, underneath which was a brass crucifix that shone with a dull, ruddy gleam in the candlelight. On the other side, a text was written on the white wall:
I AM THE WAY AND THE LIFE SAID THE LORD
. To the left of this was what appeared to be a small window covered by a square of plain grey felt. The floor was flagstone, but a hemp carpet was a concession to comfort. There was a fire in the hearth, but it was banked down to the point almost of extinction.

Murdoch took off his hat but decided it was far to cold to remove his coat. He went over to the fireplace. There was no poker or coalbox, so he had to kick at the coal to get more of a blaze going. He warmed his hands and waited. There was absolute silence all around him.

It seemed a long time before the extern returned. There was a smell of incense on her clothes. She addressed a point over his right shoulder.

“I must tell you our sister is in a state of severe suffering,” she said. “I beg you not to tire her or distress her unnecessarily.”

He was on the verge of making a sarcastic retort, but he bit it back when he saw that, beneath her pious detachment, she was grieved.

“You realise, Sister, I have no knowledge of the nature of her illness.”

“She has a tumour. Unfortunately, she did not inform Reverend Mother that she was ill until the disease was quite advanced.”

Her tone was somewhat defensive as if she expected he would hold the prioress responsible for neglect of her duty. He didn’t. Susanna was always that way. Ever since he had known her, she had hidden her pain or sickness, never complaining. It frustrated him and sometimes he would tease her unmercifully. Once he twisted her finger, trying to force her to cry out. She wouldn’t, and he’d stopped, thoroughly ashamed of himself.

He heard sounds of movement from the adjoining room, and there was a light tapping on the wall. Sister Agnes drew back the piece of felt. It wasn’t covering a window but a metal grille about three feet square.

“You can come closer, Mr. Murdoch.”

He did so and could look through the grille into the adjoining room. However, a second piece of black material was hung across the opening, and he could barely make out two shadowy figures in nun’s garb. He heard, rather than saw, that the far door opened and somebody came into the room carrying an oil lamp. This light made the black curtain less opaque and he could see that a narrow bed was being wheeled into the room. He assumed the person lying in the bed was Susanna, but everything was too dim to see her face distinctly.

Sister Agnes had brought a candle with her, and she lit it from the one in the sconce and brought it close to the grille. He realised this was so that, in like fashion, his sister could see his silhouette.

“You can speak to her, Mr. Murdoch. She is conscious. She has been so anxious for your presence.”

He leaned forward, straining to see Susanna better through the curtain. “Cissie, it’s Will. I’ve come to visit you.”

The words were absurd, he knew, but it was all he could do to talk at all. He heard her voice, barely audible.

“Will? You are here?”

“Yes, Cissie, I came as fast as I could.”

More muttering and he had to press his ear against the grille to hear better. There was another voice, speaking in French. Sister Agnes translated.

“Our infirmarian, Sister Genevieve, says that Sister Philomena regrets that you have had to come so far, and she is unable to speak to you.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

There was another exchange between Susanna and the infirmarian. His eyes were getting accustomed to the darkness, and he could see two nuns beside the bed. He realised they were trying to prop the dying woman up on her pillow. She groaned in pain, but they raised her sufficiently for her upper body to come closer to the grille. Susanna was wearing a white bed cap, and her face was as emaciated as a skeleton’s. Her eye sockets were deeply shadowed, her cheeks sunken. He wanted to weep at the sight. He could see that she smiled. “Will, it is so good to see you.”

“And you, my little sprat.”

“There is something … concern to me … I have tried to let go of all earthly things…. I can see the light of Our Lord as it beckons to me.” She had to stop and one of the nuns wiped her lips with a piece of linen. “Our Poppa … you must speak to him, Will. He must ask for forgiveness.”

He was surprised at what she said because Susanna had never joined him in his ranting about their father, never before acknowledged his many transgressions against his wife and children.

“We must cease for the moment, Mr. Murdoch,” said Sister Agnes.

But Susanna whispered, “I would like it if you would stay awhile longer, Will.”

“My dear, of course I won’t leave.”

He hadn’t said,
until you die
, but that is what he meant.

It was obvious even through the impeding curtain that Susanna was in too much agony to remain sitting up, and the two nuns lowered her gently backward.

Murdoch stayed in the little austere cold parlour for the next few hours. Sister Agnes sat on a hard chair behind him and disappeared only once. She returned carrying a tray on which was a bowl of vegetable soup and a thick slice of bread. He was ravenous but his appetite vanished as soon as she placed the simple meal in front of him, and it was all he could do to swallow some of the hot broth. They had not moved the bed from the adjoining room, and twice more nuns entered and sang prayers. As far as he could tell, Susanna had fallen into unconsciousness. He didn’t speak, and neither did any of the nuns. About midnight, in spite of the discomfort, he actually dozed off and was awakened by a soft tug on his sleeve.

“Monsieur Murdoch, our sister is failing rapidly. You may wish to say a prayer with us.”

He stood up and peered through the grille. There were three or four nuns on the other side, and one of them was lighting votive candles at the foot of the bed, making it easier to see into the room. He could hear a harsh, gurgling kind of breathing. Susanna’s mouth had fallen open. Within minutes the sound became quieter and finally ceased all together. She was dead.

Sister Agnes knelt down and crossed herself, and he could see the other two nuns were doing the same. He leaned his forehead against the cool metal grille, and the pungent scent of the incense wafted across to him. When he was a boy he had gone to his church, and at the altar, he had made a vow to protect his mother, Susanna, and Bertie. He had been very solemn about it, and although he’d couched the promise in general terms, what he really meant was that he would defend them against his father’s wrath. He had failed. Then his mother had died, drowned in a shallow pool among the rocks on the beach. Bertie, always sickly, lived only six more months after this, and Susanna had turned elsewhere for her protection. His vow had been useless. He had not been able to save her when they were children, and he was helpless now to assuage her suffering.

“Monsieur Murdoch, will you join me in prayer?” asked the extern.

“Yes, Sister.”

He, too, crossed himself and dropped to his knees on the hard floor.