Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (36 page)

“Oh, Brian.” I reached my hand toward him and he took it. My chest caved for what that must have done to him.

“When I stood next to your hospital bed and you were unconscious and had
been
unconscious and I thought I might never see you smile at me again I called Jaron to come help me give you another blessing. I kept getting the answer over and over that you’d be
okay
.” Brian smiled a little and shook his head.

“I felt hysterical, knowing your definition and knowing what it meant. That’s why I couldn’t sleep. I had to watch you. I prayed so hard. I prayed for an answer that had some substance to it – that’s when you woke up. I knew in that moment you’d be okay. And
my
definition of okay, meaning here with me.” He leaned toward me and kissed my cheek.

“I can’t believe what you’ve done with me, for me…”

“I love you, Leigh. This is what love is. What love should be.”

His words filled me, relaxed me, and made me feel like the only thing I’d ever need was to be close to him.
And I was.

THIRTY-ONE

Stuck

“This is one of those times where nothing I decide feels right.” Dr. Watts said as he sat down in my room. It was after his work-day and he slumped in a chair, defeated.

“What are the choices?” I asked.

“After you coming in here with the flu, I’m worried about how weak your body is and if doing the final treatment is a good idea. I don’t know if your body is strong enough to handle it, and I don’t know if I want to find out.” He sat there and stared at me for a moment.

“At the beginning you said something about possibly going longer, and now we’re talking about doing less?” I asked.

He nodded. “I feel like I’ve been doing this long enough that I should know, but I’m too involved. I like you two too much to make a non-biased decision.”

“Isn’t this the part where you talk to colleagues?” Brian asked.

“And I have.” He exhaled hard.

“And?” Brian urged.

“They’re in agreement that we go ahead with it because of the number
s in the fluid at the beginning
. The
fact that it’s round two for her, and we’re
watching her so closely…”

“Okay.” I looked at Dr. Watts. I hoped he could read the peace in my expression. Brian and I were a force now that couldn’t be kept from moving forward.

He glanced toward Brian. Brian squeezed my hand and then nodded to Dr. Watts as well.

“Okay then. I guess that’s settled.” He made no move to get up. “So what are you two doing when this mess is all over?”

“Brian got a great job that almost doesn’t feel like a job, and it looks like we’re moving to Seattle.” I smiled up at Brian. “When I’m feeling up to it, of course.”

Dr. Watts nodded. “I have a good friend there who can take over for me when you go.”

“We’re also taking Nathan to the temple,” I said. “Again, as soon as I’m up to it.”

“Let me know when that is. I’d like to be there… if I’m not intruding.”

“Not at all.” Brian’s thumb traced the back of my hand
. “We’d love to have you.”

“Well…” Dr. Watts stood in the doorway. “I guess one more then, Leigh. Eat what you can. You’re going to need your strength.” He attempted a smile.

- - -

I didn’t go home at all. Dr. Watts had been right. My body was done with this. It was my worst treatment yet. There was only so much they could do to make me comfortable.

Brian was about to go crazy, even though he
hid it well. I’d never seen him so prayerful in my life. His voice was the only thing I could concentrate on.

I lay there as still as I could be and listened to him read scriptures. The familiar rhythms and his soft voice gave my brain a peaceful place to go to so I could focus on something other than how terrible I felt.

We sat for hours, my head on his chest or on his lap while his scriptures lay out in front of him. I knew in a couple of days it would probably be worse. All I could do was hope that Brian’s reading would still make me feel better.

“You need sleep, Leigh…” Brian stood over me, lightly stroking my head with his fingers.

I shook my head.

His brows pulled together.

“I’m afraid I’ll just slip away from you. That you won’t be able to do anything and…”

“No.” He shook his head. I saw nothing but peace and confidence in his face. “You’re going to be fine, Leigh. I know it.”

I looked into his brown eyes and put all my trust in him. I turned myself over to him in a way that I would have never imagined. For the first time since we were married, I completely relied on him, his priesthood, his testimony
, the things he knew to be true
. I held his h
and and slowly closed my eyes, slipping
into
sleep
. He would keep me here. I knew he would be here when I woke up. And I knew I would wake up.

My final few days in the hospital passed slowly, as if the rotation of nurses and hospital smell
and routine would never end. I focused on Brian and the Spirit that he kept in the room for both of us.

- - -

“It’s time to go home, Leigh.” Brian’s voice whispered in my ear.

A smile spread across my face. “That sounds wonderful.” I was done. It had felt like it would never happen.

“Look, Leigh.” He pulled out his dog tags. “We made it.”

ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS

Going home was about being together. I didn’t care what else happened. I loved the quiet peace in our house and the exuberance Nathan brought to us when he came home from school. Mom and Dad made several trips back and forth over the following weeks. She slept at Megan and Jaron’s place now. Her help wasn’t as immediately needed as it had been, and all I wanted was my family.

Brian had to make one short trip to Seattle. Both John and Mark encouraged Brian to take the time his family needed before moving. If he was able to meet with them like this, they were okay with us taking a few months to get there.

As much as I wanted to go to St. George for our sealing, Brian suggested that it might not help me enjoy the experience if I was recovering from the drive and spending the night somewhere other than my own house. I reluctantly agreed.

We headed to the Provo temple. This was the town where Brian, Nathan and I had fallen in love. It had been our home our first year together. I sent Joseph an email invite knowing he wouldn’t come. We’d at least reached a place where we could talk and write, and it felt good to have that casual communication.

“So, we’re all going inside together?” Nathan asked. He pulled at his tie.

“Yep.” Brian smiled at him in the rearview
mirror.

“And they seal us?” he asked.

“Yep.” I turned back at him from the passenger’s seat.

“Like with glue?”

I laughed. “Like with invisible glue that makes sure we all get to be together in heaven.”

“But if you die and I’m still on earth, the glue won’t work.” His brows pulled together in confusion.

Brian lost all the air in his lungs. I smiled and put my hand on his shoulder as I leaned toward the backseat.

“The glue still works, Nathan. We just won’t see each other until we’re all there.”

“Oh.” He seemed disappointed.

“Nathan, it might seem like a long time to you
,
but if I’m with our Heavenly Father again, it won’t seem like a long time to me, okay?”

He seemed perfectly satisfied. “Okay.”

“Besides, I’m getting better now.” I reached back and grabbed his knee.

Nathan looked satisfied.
Brian looked stressed. I rubbed his shoulder a few more times and he took a breath in to try and relax. When we stopped in the temple parking lot my parents were already there. Nathan jumped out to greet them.

I took Brian by the hand. “Look at me, Brian.” He did as asked. “We made it.”

He nodded. He turned toward me in his seat and leaned his head back. “I’ve learned so much,” he
started. “It felt like, for so long, that you were just
slipping away from me and I was powerless to stop it. Those few weeks after Andy, there was nothing for me to hold onto. I was terrified that I was going to be right there next to you and you’d just keep slipping way until you disappeared.”

“I’m so…”
sorry,
I tried to say but he cut me off.

“Then, during Joseph’s visit, when you called me over? Feeling you lean into me in a way that you hadn’t since the beginning, you have no idea.” He paused for a moment, watching my face, taking it in. “And then there I was again, standing next to your hospital bed, feeling so powerless. Your brother came in and we gave you a blessing, but it felt like walking through sand.

“
Like we were headed in the right direction but at any time the tide would come in and take it all away.” He stopped again and I reached my hand out to his. I loved the feeling of our hands together.

“I’ve always been one to live for what’s coming next. When I realized I liked you, I lived for the time when we could be together, then I was impatiently waiting for us to be married.” We both smiled. “After that I was waiting to be done with college, and waiting for us to have Na
than the way we’re about to do.

“There have been a million tiny moments I’ve let slip through my fingers. A million little bits of perfection that I could have simply sat in and soaked up and enjoyed. I never want to miss out on something because I’m looking forward to something else. I feel like I have a hold on things again. I love right now. I want to keep loving right now.”

“I love you so much.” I
leaned forward and kissed him,
put
ting
my
arms around his neck and pulling him closer
. I heard a knock on my window and jumped back. Jaron tapped his watch against the window.

“Guess we s
hould go in.” Brian grinned
.

- - -