Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (26 page)

She stopped
chewing
. “He changed a lot when he joined your church.”

“Most people do.” I hadn’t seen it myself, but I had been around enough to understand that I lived my life differently from the people around me.

I
realized that she might
see me as the woman who was living her life or at least as the woman who was living the life she could have had. I was married to the man she once had, only a better version of him, and I had her son. More than that, I was asking her to give her son to me.

“I honestly don’t know what I would do if I was in your po
sition right now,” I said
. I took a deep breath in and waited for something to come out. “The look on Brian’s face since I got my diagnosis is horrible. Really. There’s nothing he can do to take it away and there’s not a whole lot he can do to make me more comfortable.”

She watched me carefully now, losing some of the façade she wore when she first sat down.

“This is the first time that he felt like he had a chance to do something for me.” I stopped again. “I can’t imagine anything more terrifying than being separated from my children. I can’t imagine it. But I don’t have any kids. You’re Nathan’s mom. Nothing will ever change that. No piece of paper, no court orders, no crazy Mormon sealings. You’ll simply have to trust me.”

She raised an eyebrow but still listened.

“You will have to trust that I will continue to send you your son’s school work in the mail so you know what he’s doing and that I will continue to pick
up the phone each and every time you call and that I will continue to spend money we don’t have for him to see you.”
She never called, but still needed to know I wouldn’t stop it.

“This is a big deal for you,
isn’t it?” She was thinking
. Hard.

I nodded, and my throat swelled up. It was all the answer I could do.

We sat in silence for a few more moments. She leaned back in her chair again, folding her arms in front of her. She knew we could just take him. I was sure Brian would have threatened that. Probably every time they talked. She looked at everything but me.

I held back tears from thoughts of that little boy we loved so much
,
wondering if she was doing the same. I wasn’t sure what she’d do. She’d be in here for another ten years at least, that’s what Brian said. She’d already lost. She knew she’d lost the chance to watch her son grow up the way she could have. I was asking her for even more.

“Nathan is…” she sighed. “Brian wants to just take him, you know that?”

“I stopped him.”

“Oh.” She chewed her bottom lip. “I know I wasn’t a good mom to him. I mean, I know moms are supposed to feel a certain way, to want to give everything over. I guess that’s why…”

Something told me to keep quiet. I didn’t know what to say, or how to change things. I couldn’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for Nathan.

“I’ll sign the papers.” She sat up, not looking at me. She pulled them from underneath my hands and I watched her find all the highlighted marks. She signed each and every one.

She stared at the papers. “I don’t like to feel like I’m losing. I know that kid shouldn’t be a power struggle. But don’t…”

“I won’t tell Brian anything.” I didn’t know if that’s what she was after or not.

“I don’t believe in any of that crazy Mormon crap anyway.” She added on the last sentence in a hard voice.

“I promise.” I nodded. “Thank you. You have no idea…” I shook my head.

She stood, turned, and walked away before I could say anything else.

I kne
w I should be elated, but I felt confused as I walked back to the door that led outside. She could still change her mind. I had no doubt that she’d get some phone calls and things still might not work out right. A part of me also felt guilty. Could I take Nathan to the temple if I felt guilty? I wasn’t sure.

I just wanted out. Back in Brian’s arms. It took ten minutes just to be led back out of the doors. Brian stood outside the car while Nathan played in the rocks in the median. I walked straight to Nathan.

“I love you. Y
ou know that?” I squeezed him tightly.

“Yes.” He giggled in my arms.

“We ready to go?” Brian asked. He had to be bursting with questions but kept quiet as he helped Nathan get settled into the backseat.

As soon as he finished getting Nathan settled, Brian put his arms around me and we stood pressed together.

“So, I was going crazy out here the whole time. How was that?”

“She signed the papers.”

“What?” He pulled away from me, staring.

I let out a slow breath. “I feel horrible about it, but she signed them.”

“Why would you feel horrible?”

“Because I feel like I’m stealing him away from her.”

“No, she has a part that will never be taken away. Now you can too.” He took my face in his hands and kissed me. “If she wasn’t in jail I’d be fighting in court for him right now. Actually, if she wasn’t in jail, you’d have been able to adopt him by now because I wouldn’t have stopped the process.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly.

“Let’s get out of here.”

“Let’s.”

We rode in silence for a few minutes.

“It was… odd. Seeing her,” I said.

“Yeah. I bet.” He smiled at me. “It was weird having you in there and me out here. I always figured that if you two met, I’d be around, you know?”

“Me too.”

Brian studied the road too carefully as if trying to decide whether or not to voice his thoughts. Our marriage may have been new, but I knew him well.

“Just say it, Bri.” I pulled my feet up onto the seat and he laughed.

“I really wanted to do that for you.”

“Well, maybe now you realize that things we do together are a lot easier than things we try to do on our own.” I’d started to feel a little smug.

He looked at me intently for a brief moment. “You remember that, Leigh.”

Oh right, that probably applied to me, too.

- - -

I felt better than I had since before I’d gotten sick. Most of it had to do with accomplishing some
-
thing we
thought might never get done—
having signed papers from Amanda felt like a sort of victory. I felt like a normal person for the first time in nearly four months.

W
hen we walked into my room,
I shut the door
behind us and flipped the lock, giving Brian a smile.

“Your parents are downstairs.”
He cocked a brow.

I nodded.

“And Nathan’s still awake.”

I leaned up on my tip-toes and kissed him.

“And you have to be tired.”

“I am.” I pulled him towards me and kissed him again.

I crawled back into my bed and he followed. We kissed a few more times, but his warmth and my exhaustion slowly started to pull me under. Brain held me gently in his arms until I fell asleep. It was
becoming a routine I hoped would never change.

- - -

Our drive home on Saturday was long and exhausting.

It felt nice to be in church on Sunday, even though I already know we’d only be here for sacrament. We sang the hymn that had gotten me through my illness last time,
More Holiness Give Me
. I opened my mouth to sing, but my throat was raw, tired. I silently listened to the words, which wasn’t at all the same.

I rested my head on Brian in defeat. He set the hymnbook down
and put both arms around me—t
otally understanding my frustration. I suddenly just wanted to go home.

On
e thought ran through my head—
I was fading away. My ability to do small things on my own. My hair. My voice… what would be next until I completely disappeared?
             

TWENTY-THREE

Group

“Leigh?” Megan popped her head in my front door. “Our oven is broken.” She frowned. “I was hoping we could use yours? For dessert?”

“Sure.” I’d been meaning to talk with Megan since Christmas anyway.

“Hey, that sounds like an invitation for the boys of this house to get out of here for a while.” Brian stood up.

“We’ll let you know when the cookies are done.” I watched he and Nathan grab their coats and walk out the door.

“Well, I brought most of the stuff with me but I left the recipe behind.” Megan sighed as she set ingredients on the counter.

“What are you making?” I asked from my perch on the couch.

“Chocolate chip cookies?”

“That one’s up here.” I tapped my head.

“You’re kidding me.” Her shoulders slumped.

“Nope.” I smiled. I gave her the list of ingredients and she frantically wrote. “I’m glad you’re here,” I said as she got the last bits down.

She stopped
and immediately looked up
.

“I’ve been meaning to have you over since
your Christmas letter,” I explained.

“Oh.” She flushed and began mixing her first couple ingredients.

“I just know how busy you are and how tired you must be with all that baby growing.” There really was no good excuse as to why I hadn’t spoken with her yet.

“Yeah.”

“I cannot fathom anyone, ever, being intimidated by me.” I felt my cheeks redden at the thought.

“Are you kidding me?” She stopped stirring and turned around to look at me. “
Everyone’s
intimidated by you, Leigh!”

“That cannot possibly be.” I shook my head.

“You just have no idea what you radiate.” She sh
rugged. “It’s like missionaries. W
e all like having them around because of the nice spirit that they bring, but they look disbelieving or something when we bring it up. You’re just so confident in the things you do and how you move, everything.”