Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (14 page)

“Email, I thought I’d do another wedding dress.” I shifted my eyes to the screen, afraid of what his reaction might be.

His body tensed and pulled away from me a little. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

I tried to dismiss his concern. “You know you worry too much.”

“I just don’t want you to take on something that’s too big to finish if you start to feel worse.” His words felt carefully placed. Brian had always just talked to me. I hated feeling like he’d said something so planned.

“Well, plenty of people carry on with normal lives while doing what I’m doing.” I knew I didn’t handle the chemo well, but I didn’t want to feel like everyone was tip-toeing around me.

“Okay.” He kissed my cheek. “Would my lovely

wife like to join me on a walk?”

“How much time til’ Nathan comes home?” We had to be back before the bus dropped him off.

“An hour.”

“We have an hour? Alone here together?” I leaned my face close to him and slid my lips across his. I’d just thought of a nice way to spend an hour.

He kissed me quickly, like a little peck and stood up. “An hour for a nice, lazy walk.”

I felt rejected, dismissed. My legs wouldn’t push me from my chair.

“You okay?” His hand touched my shoulder.

“Yeah.” I didn’t meet his eyes as I stood up, and his hand slid off me as I walked away.

He either didn’t understand my reaction, or he chose to ignore it. Either way, it hurt. He handed me my coat and held open the front door.

“You know, one of the nice things about me being a student is getting to spend some time alone with you in the middle of the day, I like it.” He slid his fingers through mine as we walked down the porch steps together.

I opened my mouth to point out that we could be doing something different with our hour, but I didn’t want to be rejected twice within a few minutes. “Me, too.”

“We have a bit of a scheduling conflict and I’m trying to figure out how to resolve it.”

“What’s up?”

“The guys, John and Mark, from Seattle?”

I nodded.

“They want to meet with me Monday and you have your…”

“I’m well aware of what I get to do on Monday. I don’t see how it’s a problem. You won’t be stuck at the hospital all day, you can play in Seattle instead.” I might really want Brian there with me later on. It felt like a good time for him to take a break from it.

“I’m not
stuck
there, Leigh. I want to be with you, I tried to set a meeting up for the following Monday, but one of them is out of town. They don’t both live in Seattle and Mondays are their meet day…”

I knew he wanted to go
,
but I also knew he felt torn. Realistically, him going now would mean good things for him later on. “That’s the easy day, Bri. The few days after that are when I’ll want you here. Besides, I have mom and Jaron and Julie and Megan… and a whole wing of the hospital dedicated to people just like me.”

The thought of being completely alone for the day sounded nice. I wouldn’t have to worry about my game face or making anyone feel better, I could fade into my own thoughts for the day.

“I don’t like it.” He shook his head.

I tried to think of a way to mak
e him know I wanted him to go and
remembered Dr. Watts had said something to Brian about long-term plans. I wondered how many times I’d be glad I overheard the conversation. “The thought of going to Seattle when all this mess is over sounds great. You should go. It’s for all of us.” I pulled him closer until he slid his arm around my waist, letting go of my hand.

He thought for a moment. “I’ll think about it, but I’m not completely thrilled with the idea.”

“I promise I’ll be fine. Be
sides, the plane ride is short.
You’ll be home that night, right?”

“
Yeah, just after dinner.”

“See? You’ll be back in time to bring me home. I’d rather be with you here than at the hospital
anyway. Megan, Jaron, my mom—
there are a ton of people who could come sit with me if you want.”

“Okay.” He smiled a little then. “I’m really excited to meet these guys. They know I won’t be able to live in the area until at
least
the end of
April, but to have them seek me out feels really good.”

“April?” I was confused. “Why April?

“Your last scheduled treatment is the first week in April.”

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. April was forever away. I tried to regroup. “Right, sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” I stared at the sidewalk, slowly passing under my feet.

“Oh! Perfect timing.”

I looked up to see Nathan’s bus stop in front of our house. How long had we walked? How had an hour already gone by?

“Leigh!” Nathan’s hand waved frantically. “Don’t touch me! I’m gonna do my stuff!”

I waved back as Brian and I approached our steps.

“I’m glad he’s so good about doing that.” Brian stroked my hair as he followed me into the house.

“You know I think it’s a little overboard, right?” I started up our steps.

He softly pinched my cheek. “It’s overboard right now, but it won’t be later.”

My chest sank again, he was right. Mom made the same point last week.

“Brian!” Stuart jogged across our front yards. “Come running with me.”

“Just a sec, I’ll get rid of him,” Brian whispered.

“Hey, Bri?” I took the front of his jacket in my hands. “Go run. It’ll be good for you. Nathan and I are about to start our snuggle time together.”

“Aren’t you tired after our walk?” His eyebrows pinched together.

“I like Leigh when she’s tired!” Nathan half-hopped, half-ran back into the porch. “She sits with me longer!”

“See? We’ll be fine.”

Brian needed some normal in his life. I didn’t feel like there was a lot left and we’d only been dealing with the cancer for a short while.

He looked between Stuart’s expectant face and mine.

“You up for it?” Stuart asked again.

“I’ll be back out in a sec.” He put his arm around me and led me inside. He pressed his lips slowly and softly against my forehead.

Even if things weren’t perfect, I loved the way he loved me.

THIRTEEN

Second of Twelve

“It feels too weird, just leaving you here.” Brian stroked my hair and then
ran his hand
down my arm. He leaned over my hospital bed with the same torn look he’d had the past few days.

“Brian, this isn’t like you. This is ridiculous. Enjoy Seattle. I’ll see you tonight. I’m tired, I’m hoping to sleep for most of the day, okay?” I leaned up enough so he’d know I wanted a kiss.

He took my face in his hands and kissed me
slowly
. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“I know.” I laid back down and closed my eyes. “See you soon.”

I heard Brian’s footsteps as he walked out of my room. No more brave face needed. I breathed out a sigh of relief, turned onto my side and focused on the sound of silence rather than the smell of hospital.

- - -

“Leigh.” Dr. Watts strode through my doorway. “Where’s your sidekick today?”

“Seattle.” I rolled onto my back to see him better.

“Really?” He stopped, a look of surprise on his face.

“I practically forced him to go,” I said. “It’s for his dream job. I used to live there so I let him know that when this is all over, it might be fun to go back.”

“And when does he return?” He crossed his

arms.

“He’ll be here to take me home tonight.”
I didn’t like the tone of disapproval in Dr. Watts voice.

“What about your mom, she’s in town now right? Or your brother? Or another friend?”

“I kind of just wanted to be here alone today. Nathan has an inservice day so my mom is busy with him anyway.” Jaron had also asked if he could stop by
,
but I’d begged everyone away. “She might stop by later,” I added for his benefit.

“No way, Leigh. You are way too early in this to start pushing people away from you.” He frowned and shook his head.

“I just wanted to be alone.”

“No.” He said looking at me. “They need to be around you
,
and you need to be around them.”

Wouldn’t it be better if I just slipped away? If I could slip into the background?

“Okay, Leigh? I can see that thought crossing through your head. Make it stop.” He looked at me for a minute. He sat on the edge of my bed and took a deep breath. “I want you to pretend for a moment that your worst fears come true, say you die next week. Would your family want memories of you pushing them away and being selfishly alone? Or would they want to look back at how happily you lived your last week?”

I didn’t say anything. Of course I knew the answer.

He smiled big at me then, almost goofy. “Either way Leigh, this is no worse than last time. The treatments are just a little more rigorous so you feel worse. Okay?”

I nodded. But it wasn’t just that. It was my added family that made this all worse. It was the fact that I had to do this all
again
.

“I feel very confident in you making a full recovery. How you feeling today?”

“Terrible. I feel like I react wo
rse than most.” My mouth felt like cotton,
but I knew drinking some
-
thing would just make me throw up. My body felt shaky from the inside out.

“I think you definitely do,” he agreed.

“You should try it once, just for kicks.” I smiled as I rolled back onto my side.

“Maybe I will. But today I’m needed.” He stood up. “It looks like they have you set up about as comfortably as they can. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And call someone to come sit with you. You’re loved Leigh, it’ll make their day.”