Left For Dead (The Guarded Secrets Series Book 3) (6 page)

Chapter 9

I spent my entire shower wondering what Sharp Shooter was going to do with Katya. There were a lot of options, but we had to figure out what was best for her. In my opinion, she should stay in the building. That way we could keep her safe even if her father started to look for her. By now he was sure to have figured out that Katya was missing and not dead. Her mother’s body would have been found if someone went looking for it, unless it got buried under more snow. Then it could take a while for them to discover the body, though something told me we wouldn’t be that lucky. I was never that lucky, and I tended to get caught more than anything else.

There is nothing wrong with that. I learned more from my mistakes than I did from success. They forced me to grow, and then I knew I could handle myself if it ever happened again. At least I knew now if I was ever trapped by Mexican drug lords I knew how to escape and make it back to CIRA in one piece. I let the thoughts slip away in the last few moments I was in the shower, letting them vanish as the water slid down my body. The moment was fleeting, but in these times between missions they were all I had to think over everything.

The second we got back we were busy preparing for the next mission. It was something I took solace in, the time I spent with the other agents in this building before we were sent out again. Others tended to focus on training or revenge. A shiver raced down my spine, which was instantly fixed by the warm water and the lull of the music I had turned on beforehand. It was only a matter of time before Renegade found out I slipped him false information about Ash Crest, about a man who wasn’t real, but supposedly took Ash’s life. It wasn’t my fault he was so willing to believe the information. I think he was just thankful it wasn’t me. I knew he had an inclination I killed Ash, but he took the information too easily. He wanted to believe someone else did it.

“You’re overthinking it again,” I said to myself, shutting my eyes and taking in a breath in a futile attempt to relax. “There’s nothing more to it than him wanting answers. He doesn’t know you killed Ash. He doesn’t know you lied. Just keep it together and he never has to know the truth.” The words relaxed me, but at the same time I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s all they were. Words that would one day come to bite me in the ass. I had kept my secret this long; nothing was going to make me give it up.

I turned off the water quickly, as if to cut off my thoughts at the source, and quickly dried off. I turned the radio down slightly when I got out and took some time to dry my hair with a towel. The steam filled the bathroom, calming me as I pushed away the remnants of my thoughts, I was always more relaxed and in a better mood after I showered. I just didn’t get many opportunities to shower on missions depending on where I was sent or what I was doing. Showering in Russia had been a distasteful thought. What if I had to rush out after showering? My hair would be frozen and I’d be chilled to the core. That wouldn’t have been fun for Demon or I since I would be complaining every moment we were outside.

A knock sounded on my bedroom door, effectively ending the semi-good mood my shower had put me into. I knew it would be Rum or Demon coming to get me for the meeting. I wasn’t ready to sit through a discussion on what to do with Katya. There were always varying opinions, and previously, none of them had a stake in this fight. I tried and failed to save her before; I wasn’t going to let that happen again.

I attempted to rush and get dressed before I answered the door, but I wasn’t able to get further than getting into a pair of underwear and a sports bra. The knocking persisted, seeming to grow more annoyed with each passing moment. I unwrapped my hair from the towel and wrapped it around my body so I could answer the door. They were just going to have to wait until I was ready to go if they weren’t going to let me finish getting dressed.

A pounding knock reverberated through the room and shaking the door for a few seconds before I yanked it open to find Renegade waiting for me. That explained why he was still knocking; Demon and Rum would have just walked in by now, but I guess he was trying to be polite and respect the only personal space I had left.

Once he laid eyes on me, holding a towel over a haphazardly put on a sports bra and seemingly nothing else, he turned red with embarrassment. He offered me a smile to attempt to cover up the blush on his cheeks. I could only manage to shake my head and scoff at his actions. This building didn’t know privacy. I had already had Demon walk in on me changing, along with a few people he was training at the time. Luckily I was in shorts and a sports bra when I went to meet Rum for training, but there were times Camo and Spit Fire had walked in on me when I was naked. I regretted teaching Camo to pick locks in those moments, but at least it wasn’t anyone else.

I stepped aside, hinting at him to come inside so I could shut the door. While most of the agency had seen me run around in shorts and a sports bra when I first woke up here, I wasn’t eager for them to see me in a towel, it seemed more personal. “Can you come in before someone else comes by and thinks I’m not partially dressed under this, please?” The second the words came out of my mouth I regretted it. Renegade’s notorious standoffish personality came back and put a knot in the bottom of my stomach.

He walked past me, allowing me to shut the door just as a group of new trainees came down the hallway, though once the door was shut I suddenly wished I had left it open. At least then I wouldn’t have to face whatever Renegade wanted to talk about, and judging from the stoic expression on his face it was serious. I didn’t want to talk about our relationship, if you could even call it that. We had gone on one date before he was pulled into training and pulled away from me. I just wanted to be left alone for an hour. Why was that so difficult in this building?

“What do you want, Renegade?” My words came out harsher than I intended, but I couldn’t hide the pain I felt from his rejection as both a friend and as an agent. It was one date. I shouldn’t care that it didn’t work out, but I did. He had followed direct orders and mission codes were put into effect for our safety, but it still hurt to have him leave me. Demon wouldn’t have left me. Hell, I don’t even think Raider would have left me, but he’d relish in my mistake before he made a move to help me.

Renegade looked taken back by my tone, but composed himself again as if it never happened. “I noticed you were upset when Katya and I left. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m still worried about how you were crying and acted as though it was nothing. I know you try to keep this hard exterior around everyone, but you’re upset and furious with almost everyone around you. I just want to let you know I’m here if you need me.”

There was a battle going on in my head, to either take the low blow and ask him where he was for me in Mexico, or to actually tell him what was bothering me so I could move on. I wanted a real answer, not just a mission code, on how he could leave me behind. Those codes were crap and everyone knew it. We were supposed to watch out for each other, and only follow codes if it became a lost cause. If he cared for me, he would have stayed behind to help. That’s how my ruthless side beat out my desire to move on.

“Yeah, I saw you were there for me in Mexico.” My words cut him deep, he reacted as if I had slapped him. Was he really shocked to find out I was mad at him for leaving me? What did he think I was upset about? Was he hoping for me to say something about missing him or was he hoping for me to break down and open up about myself? Either way, that wasn’t going to happen. He was right. I kept a strong front for everyone. You had to in this business otherwise death, risks, and
everything
would wear you down. You needed to be tough physically, but also mentally or this job would kill you.

“Is that what you’re so upset about?” Renegade questioned as he reached out for me, but I stepped back away from his hand. He looked defeated, but I ignored it. Otherwise I’d never be able to get out the next sentence. It would hurt us both and I needed to be strong or I’d have another moment of weakness.

“You can do whatever you want. I don’t care, but don’t drag me down with whatever you choose. This,” I said, gesturing between us, “is professional when we are on missions. When we are in this building, I don’t care what you do.” I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes, but they were not going to fall until I was safely out of view. “When you figure out what you want, let me know. Until then just leave me out of it. I can’t be distracted by this if something happens, and trying to figure you out isn’t making it easy on me. I’m tired of trying to figure out what happened, that we let it happen. Yes, I’m furious you left me behind.
No one
else would have left me behind no matter what the regulation was. You did, and that makes it hard to trust you on future missions. So just leave me alone until you figure out what the hell you want.”

“Sara—” he said, getting up to grab hold of my arm. I yanked out of his hold and rushed to the bathroom, giving myself a few moments before the tears came. I couldn’t ignore the ache in my chest or get the defeated look in his eyes out of my head. What did I expect, really? My life isn’t normal now so why did I expect to have a normal relationship? Our job came first. It was important to me, more important than the family I left behind, and it meant more than my life when it came to saving others. That’s how I knew I would have risked it for him and stayed behind despite the orders I was given, but he didn’t for me. So why did I think this relationship would be any different? To him the rules came first, and to me it was all about actions.

Chapter 10

When I got out of the bathroom, dressed, and ready to go to the meeting, Renegade was gone and Rum was sitting in his place. I couldn’t help but feel the ache in my chest take over again, but I quickly pushed it away and decided to ignore it. It was easy once Rum mentioned that she had seen Renegade leaving, but judging from his downward features she knew the talk hadn’t gone well. I didn’t want to say anything. I could feel myself ready to break apart and I just wanted a few moments where I didn’t have to focus on Renegade. Unfortunately for me, he’d be in the meeting and from the moment I walked into Sharp Shooter’s office my eyes were on him.

Can I please go back into the field?
Maybe then I could clear my head. I wasn’t even sure where that conversation came from. I was about to spill my guts on whether he wanted to be with me or not, and that wasn’t what was important right now. Though Demon seemed to have a hard time putting that behind him as well.

When he walked in his eyes were on Katya. He took a seat next to her, and then proceeded to butcher the Russian language to talk to her. She seemed pleased at his efforts, maybe even encouraged it, but I hoped Demon would snap out of it soon. We met a lot of people on our missions; it was dangerous to fall in love with another agent, even worse to fall in love with someone we were protecting. As I watched them talk to each other I felt the heat of someone watching me. I didn’t need to look up to know it was Renegade. I was nervous to see his expression.

Luckily, Sharp Shooter started the meeting before I gave in and met Renegade’s gaze. “Okay, you all know why you’re here. You are one way or another involved in this mission and your opinions to decide what to do with Katya will be needed.” He took a quick glance around the room, taking note of who was here: Renegade, Demon, Rum, and I. He had to know we would rarely ever agree, and I prayed he was prepared for a debate.

Demon stood up, hands slamming down on the table as he did so. If anything it broke me out of the trance that was once again forcing my attention to Renegade. “We can’t do this with her in the room, Sharp Shooter. You know how these things go.”

I didn’t miss the obvious glare in my and Rum’s direction. We also couldn’t help that we didn’t sit back and let avoidable mistakes happen. We had opinions and they were going to be heard, but we would also listen and work on a good plan. It took time, and most of the time was hard to sit through for the person being discussed. Demon was trying to protect her. I just wasn’t so sure it would work, especially with her life on the line.

“We can’t keep her from the discussion either,” Renegade said, stating thoughts which I was too scared to say out loud. Demon clearly had feelings for Katya, anything I said against him when it came to her would only make him angry with me. He was my partner on this mission, which meant I needed to tread lightly. Thankfully Renegade stepped on the first explosive, now it was easy sailing for me.

“We can’t keep her in here either like she has no idea what we’re talking about,” Demon retorted. “We have no right to make those choices in front of her.”

“We need her opinion on them as well though,” I stated. “We can’t ignore the fact she knows what’s going to happen based on our choices. I’m not sending her somewhere to be killed.”

That was when the verbal fight broke out. We wouldn’t resort to throwing punches until much later, depending on how long this took to settle. We had only done that once when it came down to what to do with Camden Cardoza. If I had gotten my way he’d be six feet under instead of rotting in prison. I still think my way was better; less hassle to deal with later.

“Shut up,” Sharp Shooter yelled, effectively ending Demon and Renegade’s quarrel. “Her father has been tipped off that we saved her.” Everyone, even me, became speechless as we waited for him to explain how the plan had fallen apart. “He assumed the water had swept the bodies away, but someone discovered Katya’s mother after some of the snow melted.”

Katya pulled on Renegade’s shirt to gain his attention and whispered in his ear. We waited to see what she had to say. He could have translated after she spoke, but I guess she preferred to not instigate another debate.

“She wants to know what the townspeople believe happened to her mother, if we know.”

Sharp Shooter sighed. “It’s believed your mother tried to escape. They say she got stuck in the storm and died,” Sharp Shooter explained. His features showed he was clearly starting to agree that she shouldn’t be in here until some decision had been made. It was just easier, and less personal without her in here. We wouldn’t have to dance around her feelings, but at the same time she needed to be here for the choice.

Katya grew angry at Sharp Shooter’s words, most likely because she knew what had really happened. It seemed as if her memory had returned, even partially. If she didn’t remember then she wouldn’t be affected by it. She didn’t want anyone to think her mother ran away or left without a word. The gleam in her eyes only said one thing, she wanted revenge. I knew that feeling all too well. Maybe she would be able to tell the townspeople the truth if she ever got the chance. I don’t think I could ever tell Renegade.

Rum spoke up, pulling me from my thoughts as well as directing the conversation back on track. “So what are we going to do about it?” Everyone turned to Sharp Shooter, waiting to see what he would say, while Rum stared him down to force him into a choice.

“We have to be careful what we do because we figured out Camden Cardoza was the one who revealed Renegade’s identity.”

“I knew I should have killed him when I had the chance,” I said, instantly turning to Demon, who had argued with me after killing Ash Crest. He said we didn’t kill unless necessarily, and according to him Camden wasn’t necessary. I bet now he would change his tune.

Renegade scoffed. “I should have done it when you didn’t.”

“Anyway,” Sharp Shooter stated, interrupting before we could start another debate on who should have been killed. Frankly, I thought they all deserved to die. Living in a prison was still too good for most of the scum we dealt with. “Now Volodya knows about the agency and is sending men to find and kill Katya.”

A silence came over us, engulfing me as I looked at Katya’s stunned expression. She’s terrified, and now Sharp Shooter was going to have to determine the best plan of action to keep her alive. I swallowed my fear, hoping for a plan before I got up the courage to break the silence. “So what do we do about it?”

“We keep her here.”

I was pleased with the choice, though Katya didn’t agree. She started speaking Russian very quickly, and the more she spoke the more distraught she became. I quickly got lost in her words, and they became harder to understand once she started crying. Something was wrong, but hell if I knew what it was. Renegade was listening attentively, and held up a finger to tell us to wait for a moment. When Katya was done, he began to explain.

“Katya wants to say that we have to save her sister or she’ll end up dead too.”

Again silence overtook us, and once again I was the one who broke it. “Again with the sister thing? Are we sure she even has a sister? It wasn’t in her file,” I stated absentmindedly. There wasn’t a file on Katya, at least not one we received before the mission. The only one I knew of was the one I had shredded from Ash Crest’s office, which had everything I needed to know about her. There was no way Renegade could make the connection between Ash’s death to me just for knowing about Katya’s file; he knew I destroyed most of the files to protect Ash’s targets, but I couldn’t believe how easily I let it slip out.

Katya replied, and I waited impatiently for Renegade to translate.

“She’s young, and has been keeping a low profile. There’s no way intelligence could have known unless they were directly told. She’s worried because her sister will grow up with him, and may become like him or will be killed later on when she figures out what happened to their mother. She wants us to go back and save her before her father can do anything to harm her.”

Sharp Shooter took in a deep breath. I knew he was about to attempt an explanation as to why we couldn’t go back and save her sister, though I also knew no answer would be good enough for her. There was nothing that would stop me from saving my family. I’d risk everything to protect them. They were there for me when no one else was, and I’d be there for them until the end. That was exactly why I took this job, and from the gleam in Katya’s eyes I could tell she felt the same way. She was getting her sister here safely, and she knew just the card to play.

She pulled Renegade roughly by the collar of his shirt and glared Sharp Shooter down while she spoke to Renegade. When she finished, her glare didn’t let up or move, but she released Renegade and let a knowing smile curve onto her lips.

Renegade rubbed his neck, as if trying to alleviate the pain from Katya’s grasp. He then cleared his throat and wasted a few more seconds. That gave me the answer I needed. We were going back to Russia. My hunch was confirmed when Renegade finally spoke. “Katya says she can give us the information we want on her father if we wish. It doesn’t bother her either way, but she will only tell us if we save her sister, Natasha. If we don’t, then we don’t get the information we want.”