Leaving Eva (The Eva Series Book 1) (9 page)

ADAM HAD
BEEN WATCHING
her since the eighth grade, but she never knew it. She wasn’t like the other girls in their town who hung out at the McDonald’s with their friends, or went to the mall in the next big town, or giggled whenever he walked by. She wasn’t like anyone he had ever met, and he was intrigued.

He finally got up the courage to talk to her in the ninth grade. They sat next to each other in English class, and she pretended not to notice him. She also pretended not to notice how he raced to sit next to her in class, practically shoving poor little Kenny Miner out of the way. Kenny didn’t even know what hit him.

She pretended not to notice him for as long as she possibly could, but she found herself thinking about him, in spite of herself. After not noticing boys her entire life, she somehow felt as if she had developed a sixth sense. She always knew when he was nearby, and she could see him out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t want to like him, and even though they hadn’t ever talked, for some inexplicable reason, she felt drawn to him by an invisible thread.

She didn’t know what she was doing. At an early age, she made the choice that she was never going to get married or fall in love. She didn’t believe in happy families and happy endings. She knew too much of real life with her family, and with Stacy’s family, to know how it really was.

She also knew, when people loved each other, they saw each other naked, and she didn’t want anyone to see. She thought about her blade, and how she did it for herself. Sharing it with someone else seemed impossible. She didn’t want anyone to know, especially not a boy.

Brynn’s only goal in life was to get out of town, and she knew that going to college far away was the only way to do that, so she worked hard and was an excellent student.

Rose always bragged to people about her smart daughter. Whether they were on the subject or not, she found a way to say, “My daughter, Brynn, has a perfect GPA! She is one of the smartest girls in her class.” Complete strangers smiled politely, and walked away as quickly as they could. But Rose was proud of Brynn, even though she knew that she would leave her one day.

She talked Momma and Thomas into letting her get a job as soon as she was the legal age to start working. She was lucky enough to get a job at the busiest little family restaurant in town. Much to Brynn’s surprise, Momma let her, and Thomas only agreed because she could start paying rent.

Even though she was young, she interviewed well, and the older couple that owned the restaurant took to her right away.

“I promise, I’ll be a good employee, and I’ll work hard! I’m a quick study, and I’ll do everything you ask me to do,” she pleaded to the sweet old man asking her all the questions. “You won’t ever have to worry about me.”

He believed her, and he started Brynn as a hostess, greeting people and cleaning tables. When she begged him to teach her everything he could, he did. They came to depend on Brynn, and she became as family to them.

They figured they could make her a manager for them one day, and possibly retire. They were disappointed when she told them that she had other plans, but they decided to teach her anyway, so that when she moved, she could get a job in any restaurant doing anything. It was as though this was what she was meant to do. She insisted that, although she loved it, it wasn’t for her for the rest of her life. She wanted to make a lot of money so that she would never have to rely on a man to take care of her, like Rose relied on Thomas.

Brynn was happy that the older couple taught her so much. She was making decent money, and she happily stashed all of the cash that she made in a shoebox in her closet buried under a pile of shoes and clothes. It was her escape money. The rest she put in the bank after Thomas took out his cut. She had long since stopped calling him Daddy and referred to him now only as Thomas which he didn’t seem to mind.

Brynn couldn’t wait to leave town. And she never thought about any of the boys in her school until Adam Michael sat next to her in English. She was starting to fill her bras out more, and her acne was clearing up. But she didn’t hang out with the popular kids or dress for any other purpose than to be practical.

When Adam sat next to her, she knew who he was. He was the only boy who didn’t tease and make fun of the girls, or pick on the smaller boys. She thought well of him because he was scrappy, and because he didn’t care what anyone thought about him. He wanted to be everyone’s friend, and it didn’t matter if they were smaller, smarter, weaker, or less popular than he was. She decided that she liked that about him.

He was smart, too, and even better at math than she was. He was talking about college already when most boys in their small town only cared about the Friday night Football game.

The first note he ever passed to her simply said “Hi.” When she read it, she couldn’t help but smile. She looked over at him and he had smiled back, a nice shy smile, his deep dark blue eyes twinkled with mischief. She noticed that sometimes his eyes were as blue as the ocean, and other times they glittered like beautiful sapphires. They were bold and beautiful, not like the watered down blue in Thomas’ eyes.

The second note he passed her said “there.”

Brynn giggled without realizing it, and was surprised. She never giggled, and she wondered what was happening to her. She put the note in her worn copy of Jane Eyre, and she kept her eyes straight ahead for the rest of the class, even though she could see him stealing glances at her out of the corner of her eye.

“You liked my note?” He caught her after class. Adam was smiling as he did in class, and Brynn felt like mush inside. She had never really talked to a boy before, especially not someone as cute as Adam, and she had no idea what to say.

“Yes. I got your note.” Her voice was barely audible and she fidgeted uncomfortably.
He is so cute, oh my goodness.
He was standing much closer to her than any boy had ever stood before. She felt her palms start to sweat, and her shirt suddenly felt too tight. She was warm.

“You didn’t pass back.” He was baiting her, and she could feel it.

“I don’t pass notes in class,” she said straightening up a little. “I don’t like to get in trouble.”
His voice is driving me crazy. Is it really that deep?

“Why would you get in trouble? It’s just a note.” He was laughing at her, she could tell.

She didn’t like when people laughed at her. “I don’t break the rules.”

He could tell by Brynn’s tone that she was frustrated with him. That’s why he liked her. She was different. Sometimes when he looked at her, she looked so sad, and other times she looked indignant. She always looked like she knew what she was doing, especially in class when she was smart and confident, and he liked that about her, too. But he never really saw her happy, and when she giggled in class he felt happy. He knew that, for some reason, he needed this girl in his life. He needed to be able to make her happy.

He was going to say something else when he realized that she had walked away.

Adam spent the entire rest of the year trying to get Brynn’s attention. She ignored him. She decided that no matter how cute he was that she didn’t like him. She knew that he would just end up hurting her in the end. His note was funny, but he was making fun of her, and she didn’t like that. It confused her how he could be funny and cute one moment, but was mean the next, and it scared her. She was mistaken about him. She wondered how she could think that he was nice and good to everyone, when she was certain he was just like the other boys.

“I don’t have time for boys,” she said to Stacy about a week after the note-passing incident while sitting outside of school stalling, so they wouldn’t have to go home. “I have to work and save money to get out of here. I can’t take being here much longer. Thomas doesn’t hit me anymore, but he drinks so much now that he is always getting sick. And Momma, she just won’t leave him.”

“I know how you feel,” Stacy said quietly, although she didn’t know what it was like to have a boy who liked her. She was much quieter than her best friend was, and not quite as good in school. Her only salvation was Brynn and the chocolate cupcakes her mom baked for her every day. She figured it was her mom’s way of apologizing for her father, so she felt obliged to eat them.

Brynn looked at her only friend.

Too many chocolate cupcakes.

Brynn wondered if their lives hadn’t been so similar, if they would’ve ever been friends. They met in Kindergarten and gravitated toward each other like the pull of the earth to the sun. And they circled one another throughout their school years, even if they weren’t in the same classes. She loved her friend, and Brynn understood her, but she felt that they were growing up and growing apart. She was worried.

Brynn wanted to have other friends. But she didn’t look like them, or dress like them, and she found that she didn’t share the same interests as most girls in her class. She always kept a low profile whenever possible immersing herself in her studies, or going to work, just as Rose had taught her.

“What are you going to do when you get out of high school?” Brynn asked Stacy.

“I don’t know,” Stacy shrugged. It was a small gesture, and hard to tell as her shoulders had been getting broader, along with the rest of her, throughout the school year, “I guess I’ll go to college, get a job.”

Brynn gave Stacy a lecture on her grades.
You have to try.
Stacy refused to try. She ate cupcakes all night in her room with the door locked and the TV on, so she wouldn’t have to hear her parents fight. She never studied and her grades reflected it. Stacy had been smart throughout elementary and junior high, but when she got to high school, she gave up. Brynn was afraid for her.

“You know that I’ll be going away,” Brynn said looking her in the eye. Stacy looked down.

“I know, then you’ll leave me, and I’ll be alone.”

“You could get your grades up. Come with,” Brynn said earnestly.

“I don’t have money to go to college. You know that. I don’t have a job like you do. I’m not going with you,” Stacy’s voice was low, defeated.

“The only reason I’m getting out is because I set up a PO Box and have college applications coming to me. You could have some sent to you! Why wouldn’t you?” Brynn didn’t understand it.

Stacy looked at her pretty friend with the dark brown hair, beautiful skin, and big luminous brown eyes that seemed to stare right through you. Brynn was completely oblivious to just how beautiful she was, and part of Stacy was jealous, and the other part was in awe at how naïve her friend really was. She had always known that Brynn would get out of their town. She never belonged there to begin with. Stacy always knew that Brynn would leave, just as Stacy knew that she wouldn’t. Stacy’s mother, and her mother before her, never left. The kids who grew up in her town just stayed, married their high school sweethearts, had babies, and then repeated the cycle all over again. But Brynn was different from the rest of them. Never once in her mind did she accept that fate, although Stacy had a long time ago.

“You know that I’m not like you. I’ll never get more than a high school education! I’ll end up marrying some boy like my Daddy, if I even get married at all.” Stacy said trying not to sound angry. It wasn’t Brynn’s fault that Brynn was exceptional. When she looked at Brynn, she was surprised that they were friends. Brynn was even prettier than most of those stuck up cheerleaders, the ones who made fun of her and called her “Stacy Pastry.”

Brynn should have been friends with one of them, but instead she was friends with Stacy Pastry. Stacy was always waiting for the day that Brynn realized that she was friends with the ugly fat girl. “You’re always lecturing me on my grades, but I’m not going anywhere! The only reason you’re going somewhere is that you weren’t born in this shit hole like everyone else. You’ll get out because Rose isn’t you’re real Momma.”

Stacy knew that eating all those cupcakes would make her fatter. But she already knew how fat and ugly she was, because Daddy told her all the time. He didn’t know how he could have such a fat pig for a daughter. Stacy’s other sisters were thin and pretty, and Daddy was nice to them, too nice if you asked Stacy.

She wanted to be fat so that her Daddy would hate her. Getting a beating every now and again was much better than the other thing. The thing her sister’s got.

She knew that Brynn would get out. She never belonged there to begin with, and Stacy dreaded that day. She knew that when Brynn left, she would be alone, completely. Stacy didn’t know how she could make it without her best and only friend.

IF I
HIDE, HE WON’T FIND ME.
I can run and find Mommy!
Brynn was running in a dark place. But she was so confused. In her dream, she was a different person. She was someone else, someone much smaller, and her name was Eva.

She was running, running, running. Someone was calling after her to stop.
I just want to help you little girl, please stop! I won’t hurt you, I promise!
She could hear fast clicking, like boots on pavement. Running, panting. He kept running after her. It was dark and cold. She was cold, hungry, and tired. She was so tired, she just wanted to sleep, but she couldn’t find anywhere she felt safe enough to sleep. Her clothes were wet and she couldn’t feel her fingers or her toes.

She hadn’t eaten in so long! It felt like days, or was it longer? She was so hungry that her tummy was growly. The last thing she ate was
crackers?
She was in pain but couldn’t stop running. She had to find Mommy!

She was trying to find something to eat in a garbage can, but the man started calling after her. He wanted to grab her and stop her, and she couldn’t let him! She had to keep looking. She was looking everywhere, walking everywhere. Her feet hurt.

She was running, and the man was chasing her. He said he wanted to help her, but she couldn’t stop until she found Mommy.

She was falling!
Mommy! I want to find my Mommy!
Falling, head over feet, many hard things poking, falling, and not stopping. Pain! Lots of pain.

I’m bleeding!
She felt her head and there was blood, lots of blood. She tried to stand up but couldn’t. She could hear the man still calling after her. She was far away. Maybe if she were quiet, the man couldn’t find her.
My leg hurts! Mommy! Mommy! Come and get me! Mommy!

Brynn woke up screaming. Adam had already gone to work and she was alone.

She reached up and touched the mystery scar right above her eyebrow
. Is that how I got my scar or was it just a dream? Did I break my leg? Who’s Eva?

Brynn was upset. This felt different from a dream.
Was it a memory?

It upset her that she had virtually no memories from her childhood. She only had the bad ones and she spent years trying to block those out. But she had been almost five when Rose adopted her, so why didn’t she remember anything? It never made sense to her.

I wonder if my life would have been better with them.
She used to think about her birth parents all the time, but now it seemed less and less. Her dream felt so real, and it made her heart ache as if she were missing someone, her mother. Brynn wondered for the thousandth time what she looked like, what she had been like. She often wondered, ‘
what parts of me look like my mother? My face? My eyes? Whose lips do I have… my mother, or my father? Am I anything at all like them?’

Brynn wondered who she would have become if she had been loved by her birth mother and birth father. Even though she didn’t have her own children, she couldn’t imagine leaving her own child. She assumed she was abandoned. There was no other explanation.

She didn’t know much about what happened to her, but she knew she was found by someone and then taken to the police after she was discovered. Brynn knew that when she was found she was hungry and that she not in the best condition physically.

Adam always laughed at her because she agonized over throwing away something simple like a pair of shoes but she couldn’t imagine throwing away an entire person.

Where would I be without my sadness, my angst? Who would I be? If it weren’t for Adam, I don’t know what I would do. He is the only one who brings me happiness.

Her birth parents were a mystery that she would never know. She tried putting her name in with the adoption agency to reconnect with her birth family, but she didn’t hear anything, and didn’t really expect to. Brynn gave up hope long ago that she would ever find them, and didn’t feel that the effort was worth the disappointment. After all, she reminded herself, they didn’t want her. They didn’t even try to make sure that she was safe or taken care of… they simply left her.

As a child, Brynn imagined that they died in a horrific car accident and that she was the only survivor. She reasoned that they didn’t leave her at all, but by some sad twist of fate, their leaving her was beyond their control, and that they loved her very much. But nothing that Brynn knew supported that theory.

All that Brynn wanted was a connection to someone. She thought that if she could find it, life would somehow make sense. How could she have been abandoned, only to end up in a home where her father hated her and hurt her? It didn’t make reasonable sense that the universe could turn out to be so cruel.

The only thing that Brynn and Rose had in common was that they both had brown hair and brown eyes. But that is where any other physical similarity ended. They were nearly opposite in every other way, especially in their personalities. Rose was awkward and tentative, while Brynn was confident and strong. Strangers who didn’t know that Brynn was adopted were always baffled that they were mother and daughter, because they were as different as night and day.

Brynn thought that Rose may know who “Eva” was, or if that had been her name as a baby. She had asked Rose repeatedly about her past for as long as she could remember. Rose refused to tell her anything, although Brynn could always tell she was hiding something. Rose simply wanted to pretend that Brynn’s only past was with her.

Brynn drove over to Rose’s apartment not sure of what she would find. It was a quick ten-minute drive, but it felt longer.

When Brynn walked up to her apartment door, she knocked. She had a key, but she knocked anyway.

As always, Rose was overly happy to see her.

She greeted Brynn at the door with a lit cigarette, a dirty housecoat with snaps up the front, and no teeth. She was clearly not expecting company.

“Hold on honey, I’ll be right back” she said quickly and scurried off to the bathroom. When she reappeared, she had her false teeth in, and she had combed her hair. But she remained in the dirty housecoat, and still had the lit cigarette.

Brynn hated smoking. She made it clear to Rose when she took up the habit that she couldn’t stand it. Just the smell of it made her flashback to Thomas, and his horrible breath. Rose took a long drag, and stubbed it out in an overfull ashtray sitting on the kitchen counter.

Her apartment was large, but very dirty. It looked like she hadn’t cleaned in weeks or longer. It reeked of cigarette smoke and dirty clothes. Brynn gagged.

“I haven’t cleaned in a while,” Rose said unapologetically.

“A while? Mom, it doesn’t look like you’ve cleaned, ever!”

“Well, hello to you, too. You haven’t come by to check on me as much as you should. Now you do, and you’re going to criticize? That’s rude.” Rose was agitated. Rose knew that Brynn and Adam were fighting. Brynn had even asked her what to do, but Rose ignored her. She didn’t know what to tell her, and she wasn’t going to pretend to, either. It still didn’t give Brynn an excuse for not coming to the apartment for a couple of weeks.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I just haven’t been up for anything,” Brynn said apologetically.
God, I need to get a cleaning lady in here as soon as possible.
“Do you want a drink? I have pop,” Rose said as she tried to sound gracious.

Brynn looked around the apartment trying to find a place to sit. There were clothes everywhere. Opened cans of chips and pop littered the entire apartment. There was an ashtray every five feet, and they were all overflowing with butts. Brynn was thankful that the apartment building didn’t allow pets. She couldn’t imagine if she had an animal in there, too.
When was the last time I came in here? Wasn’t it just a couple of weeks ago? God, it smells.

“No, Mom, I’m good.” Brynn said not looking at her. She didn’t want Rose to see the disgust in her eyes. When she had been younger, Rose had been a pristine housekeeper. Brynn didn’t understand the change. How long had it looked like this? Brynn had been picking her up for their outings and dropping her off, and she hadn’t seen the inside of the apartment for a while.

“Well, sit, sit.” Rose said reaching for her cigarettes in the pocket of her housecoat. She hesitated as she looked at Brynn.

“Oh, Mom, do you have to smoke?” Brynn asked not attempting to hide her disgust now.

“I suppose I can wait, even though this
is
my apartment.” Rose said sarcastically.

Brynn thought she was not acting like herself. Rose rarely used sarcasm. And wherever Brynn was concerned, she was usually gentler and kinder.

“Sorry, Mom, but it’s so bad for you. And secondhand smoke is horrible for… anyway. I have a question to ask you.” Brynn took a deep breath and paused, “Did you name me Brynn, or was that always my name?”

Rose froze and avoided her eyes, pretending to look in the pockets of her housecoat for something. “Why do you want to know?”

“I had a dream last night, and I was a little girl named ‘Eva’. Does that sound familiar to you at all?” Brynn asked slowly.

Rose didn’t respond. She didn’t say anything, and Brynn was frustrated. She had faced Rose’s refusal to answer any of the questions about her short life before she was her daughter for as long as she could remember. Brynn anticipated this response from her. She
never
had a memory in the form of a dream before, and if that’s what it was, then she
needed to know
.

“Mother, please!” Brynn pleaded.

Rose ignored her. She reached into her pocket again and pulled out a cigarette. She looked evenly at Brynn and lit it, taking a big long drag.

“Are you going to answer me at all?” Brynn asked, her voice taking on a sharp edge to it. “Was I a little girl named Eva?”

Rose reached for her hand. Brynn couldn’t allow herself to be touched lately. She didn’t know why, but it felt like an intrusion into her soul when someone touched her. She usually maintained a distinct barrier. She typically recoiled anytime anyone tried to be affectionate with her in any way. But this time, Brynn allowed her to take her hand.

“You were named something with an ‘E’. Eva, Evie, Edie. It was hard to tell.” Rose said quietly.

“How do you know?” Brynn asked thirsty for any truth to her past.

“Because that is what you called yourself when you came to me.” Rose said, almost shamefully.

“Why didn’t you keep my name?” Brynn asked.

“I didn’t want you to be someone else’s child anymore. I wanted you to be my Brynn. I wanted to start out clean. I didn’t want you to be someone else’s anymore.” Rose said irritated with the question. “I wanted a baby more than anything. I would have loved it if you had come out of my body, but you didn’t. I didn’t want to be reminded that someone else carried you for nine months.”

“Did I break my leg or hurt myself in any way?”

“Yes, you broke your leg. That’s why there was such a gap between when they found you, your first foster home, and when you were adopted. Your leg had to heal”

“So what happened to me, Mother? Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” Brynn was angry.
Rose knew this all along! What else does she know?

“I didn’t like to think about it. You were so little, and to think of you running and hiding, and trying to find food to eat,” Rose paused, clearly affected. “They said you were always looking for your Mommy. You were running when they were trying to help you. They only caught you because you fell and broke your leg. They didn’t know how long you were alone. Months? A year? You were always looking for your Mommy. Even in your dreams, you were looking for her. But I wanted to be your Mommy. I
was
your Mommy.”

Rose was smoking fast and furious. “The first foster home you were in didn’t work out because you were so difficult to deal with. You kept trying to run away to find her. They couldn’t keep up with you and you refused to stay with them.”

“But why didn’t you tell me? I’ve asked you a thousand times to tell me what you know, and you never did! Do you know what happened to my parents?” Brynn pressed Rose determined to get an answer.

“They searched for your parents and nobody reported you missing, so nobody knew where you were missing from. You were even on the news. After a year of finding you and nobody claiming you, they were able to put you up for adoption. And that is when I found you. And then I gave you a home.”

“You gave me a home, mother. But it wasn’t a happy home! You made us stay with that bastard instead of saving us from him. You never protected me, and you just let him hurt me over and over!”

“I did the best I could. I couldn’t leave him! He took care of us. I couldn’t have done that on my own,” Rose’s words were ignored. Brynn had heard it all before.

“You could have left! Other women have left in that situation. But not you! You were too weak! What kind of mother allows someone to treat her child so cruelly and doesn’t protect them?” Brynn was exasperated with Rose. Rose never gave her a clear answer, and she felt her frustration mounting. She was angry with Rose for being so evasive and so nee

Brynn couldn’t understand how Rose wanted a child for so long, but then allowed Thomas to break her.

“I did protect you.” Rose looked like she was going to throw up. She was feeling nauseous. She stubbed her cigarette out, nearly missing the ashtray. “If you only knew what I did to protect you.”

“You made it seem like it was normal what he did. You made it seem like he wasn’t horrible for what he did. You told me that they would take me away from you. You knew how afraid I was of being left alone, and you used it to keep me in that house while he hurt us!” Brynn never said these things to Rose. She didn’t want to hurt her, but it was as though her words had no choice as they started tumbling out of her. “You were a weak, cowardly woman. And you were a horrible mother. I wish… I wish… you weren’t my mother.”

And for the first time, it was true.