Least Said (35 page)

Jade
came
back
then
and
the
subject
of
possible
future
children
was
dropped
as
we
put
our
energies
into
persuading
our
current
children
to
leave
the
swings
and
head
for
home.

‘I
love
Trixie,’
William
declared,
apropos
of
nothing,
as
we
prepared
vegetables
together
for
the
evening
meal.

‘Yes,
she’s
very
sweet,’
I
agreed,
and
went
to
the
fridge
for
the
salmon
we
were
going
to
use
for
fish-cakes.

‘It’s
not
actually
fair,’
he
declared.
‘How
come
Tristan
has
a
baby
to
play
with,
and
Molly
and
me
don’t?’

‘Molly
and
I,’
I
corrected
automatically.

‘Molly
and
I,
then,’
he
parroted.
‘It
isn’t
fair,
though,
because
I
would
like
a
baby
and
I
know
that
Molly
would
as
well.’

‘Mmmm,’
I
paused
to
think
and
then
told
him,
‘not
everyone
gets
what
they
want,
Will,
you
know
that.’

He
gave
me
an
old-fashioned
look,
and
explained
patiently,
‘Yes,
but
it’s
not
like
you
have
to
buy
me
a
baby.
You
get
them
free.
All
you
have
to
do
is
to
grow
one
in
your
tummy
–
just
like
you
grew
me.’

If
only
it
was
as
simple
as
that,
or
as
difficult.
-
I
hated
the
fact
that
I
had
complicated
everything
by
having
an
affair
that
may
well
have
resulted
in
my
son’s
birth.
I
could
never
regret
Will’s
birth,
however
he
came
into
being,
but
I
could
and
did
wish
with
all
my
heart
that
my
actions
hadn’t
put
a
big
black
question
mark
over
his
conception.
I
also
hated
the
fact
that
I
had
no
one
to
blame
but
myself
for
whatever
happened
in
the
future.

I
toyed
briefly
with
the
possibility
of
a
DNA
test,
as
I
had
done
many
times
before
–
but
I
couldn’t
face
the
result
spelling
out
something
that
I
really
didn’t
want
to
know.
There
was
also
the
chance
that
the
result
could
fall
into
the
wrong
hands.
Even
if
it
was
the
result
I
was
hoping
for,
how
could
I
ever
explain
my
reasons
for
getting
a
DNA
test
done?
I
had
to
protect
William
at
all
costs,
and
do
everything
I
could
to
keep
my
marriage
intact.
No,
it
was
crucial
that
I
prove
to
myself
that
I
could
get
pregnant
by
Jon
and
then
every
doubt
I’d
ever
had
about
his
fertility
would
simply
go
away.

William
was
still
looking
askance
at
me
but,
thankfully,
Jon
arrived
then
and
he
took
over
explaining
to
William
why
everyone
who
wanted
a
baby
didn’t
get
one
just
because
they
wanted
it, that
sometimes
you
had
to
wait
a
while
until
it
happened,
and
that
sometimes
it
didn’t
happen
at
all.

‘Sometimes,’
he
explained
carefully,
‘a
family
might
have
as
many
as
six
children
and
sometimes
they
just
ended
up
with
one
or
even,
sadly,
none
at
all.
Mummy
and
I
were
so
happy
to
have
you,’
Jon
smiled
at
me,
but
even
as
my
heart
contracted
with
love
for
him,
the
pain
of
my
guilt
smote
me
like
a
fist,
‘and
if
we
never
have
another
baby
you
will
be
more
than
enough
for
us,
but,’
he
put
up
his
hand
when
Will
tried
to
interrupt,
‘we
will
see
what
we
can
do
about
a
little
brother
or
sister
for
you.
Just
don’t
be
too
sad
if
it
doesn’t
happen.
We
won’t
be
because
we
will
always
have
you.’

William
seemed
to
digest
this,
looking
from
Jon
to
me
and
back.
I
waited
for
something
profound
to
come
out
of
his
mouth,
because
he
was
such
a
wise
little
boy,
but
all
he
said
was,
‘Oh,
ok,
but
if
we
don’t
have
a
baby,
can
we
have
a
dog
instead?’
and
we
burst
out
laughing.

Later
that
evening,
when
I
came
downstairs
after
putting
William
to
bed
and
reading
him
a
story,
I
found
Jon
pouring
over
the
sheets
of
information
on
improving
sperm
production
that
I
had
printed
from
the
internet.

‘You’re
doing
a
great
job
of
improving
our
diet,’
he
said,
holding
out
his
arms
and
welcoming
me
to
settle
into
his
lap,
leaning
his
head
next
to
mine
so
that
we
could
both
peruse
the
information,
‘but
there’s
a
piece
here
about
male
fertility
supplements
and
this
is
what
it
says,
“You
can
get
similar
results
with
micronutrients, but
a
food
supplement
is
a
much
cheaper
and
convenient
method
to
supply
the
male
body
with
the
sperm
nutrients
needed
on
a
daily
basis”.’