Least Said (34 page)

‘Those
are
amazing
.
’
I
could
tell
that
Jon
was
viewing
them
from
a
proud
father’s
perspective
when
he
was
handed
the
tray
of
what
could
easily
be
described
by
less
than
doting
parents
as
seemingly
unappetizing
lumps
of
raw
meaty
mixture.

Well,’
he
said
later,
when
William
had
cleared
his
plate
and
was
whooping
round
the
garden
trying
to
catch
next
door’s
cat,
‘if
the
object
of
the
exercise
was
to
get
him
to
eat
more
–
I
would
say
it
was
a
resounding
success.’

‘This,’
I
replied
handing
him
a
sheaf
of
printed
pages,
‘is
the
real
object
of
the
exercise
but,
if
it
has
the
side
effect
of
encouraging
Will
to
eat
more
healthily,
I’d
call
that
a
huge
bonus.’
I
could
see
Jon
eyeing
the
Sperm Production
heading
and
I
pointed
to
another
bold
statement
further
down
the
page
which
advised
Improve Your Diet
.
‘I
thought
it
wouldn’t
hurt
for
us
all
to
be
involved.’

‘This
is
what
you
were
talking
about
this
morning?’

I
nodded.
‘As
you
can
see,
I
didn’t
waste
much
time.’

‘It
says
here
sperm
production
takes
the
best
part
of
three
months,’
Jon
looked
and
sounded
as
if
he’d
been
given
some
really
bad
news.

‘Well,
yes,
I
don’t
suppose
it
will
improve
overnight
but,’
I
gave
him
what
I
hoped
was
a
saucy
grin,
‘there’s
no
reason
at
all
why
we
can’t
get
some
practice
in
the
meantime.
To
put
it
very
bluntly,
I’m
presuming
the
old
sperm
has
to
be
used
up
to
make
way
for
the
new.’

‘I
like
your
thinking.’
He
lunged
at
me,
but
I
was
ready
and
sprinted
off
across
the
garden
with
Jon
close
behind
and
William,
obviously
deciding
that
this
was
better
than
cat
chasing,
close
behind
that.

Including
William
in
the
improve your diet
section
of
our
efforts
to
improve
the
quality
of
Jon’s
sperm
count
–
though
for
him
we
focussed
completely
on
how
eating
healthily
can
improve
your
fitness
and
strength
–
turned
out
to
be
exactly
the
right
thing
to
do.
He
began
to
take
a
huge
interest
in
cookery
programmes
and
showed
a
willingness
to
try
many
of
the
foods
that
he
had
turned
his
nose
up
at
just
a
short
time
ago.

When
we
bumped
into
Jade,
Lucy
and
the
children
at
the
local
library
a
few
days
later,
they
were
amazed
to
find
Will
pouring
over
children’s
cookery
books,
while
Tristan
and
Molly
headed
straight
for
the
fiction
section.

‘Now
how
on
earth
have
you
managed
that?’
Jade
demanded.
‘Even
Molly’s
idea
of
a
roast
dinner
is
chicken
nuggets
and
roast
potatoes
all
covered
in
ketchup,
and
everything,
except
the
ketchup,
has
to
come
ready-to-cook
from
bags
in
the
freezer.’

Will
overheard
her
and,
looking
very
superior,
he
stated,
‘I
can
make
chicken
nuggets.’

Lucy
was
fascinated,
and
sitting
down
beside
him,
asked,
‘From
minced
chicken
and
ready-made
breadcrumbs,
right
William?’

‘Oh,
no,’
he
said
loftily,
‘from
fresh
chicken
breast
and
our
own
grated
breadcrumbs
–
and
beaten
egg,’
he
added
as
an
afterthought.

‘But
doesn’t
it
take
forever?’
Lucy
directed
the
question
at
me.
‘Tristan
would
get
bored
in
five
minutes.’

‘Not
if
you
all
ate
the
result
of
his
labours,’
I
assured
her.
‘Will
can’t
wait
to
get
hands-on
in
the
kitchen
these
days.
I
barely
get
a
look
in.
In
fact
why
don’t
we
invite
everyone
round
to
try
your
beef-burgers
this
weekend,
Will?
Do
you
think
you
can
manage
to
make
enough
for
all
of
us?’

‘No
problem,’
he
said
confidently,
sounding
and
looking
just
like
a
miniature
Jon.

Unfortunately,
the
pleasure
I
took
in
that
was
quite
spoiled
when,
on
the
way
home,
Lucy
asked
William
if
he
was
planning
to
be
a
chef
when
he
grew
up,
he
answered
firmly,
‘Oh,
no,
I’m
going
to
be
a
rugby
player.’

Chapter 9

‘A
rugby
player?
Really?’
Jade
looked
puzzled.
‘That’s
a
funny
choice
–
I
would
have
thought
most
boys
these
days
would
choose
to
be
a
footballer.
Is
Jon
a
fan
of
rugby,
Wendy?’

I
tried
hard
not
to
be
defensive
and
I
thought
I’d
succeeded
when
I
managed
a
carelessly
light
and
dismissive
tone.
‘Oh,
Jon
will
watch
any
sport,
given
half
a
chance,
and
William
often
watches
with
him.
No
doubt
it’s
another
fad.’
I
even
laughed
as
I
added,
‘He
was
even
going
to
be
a
wizard
for
a
while
after
he
watched
Harry
Potter.’

‘Oh,
I
know,’
Lucy
joined
in.
‘Talk
about
fickle.
Tristan
was
definitely
going
to
be
a
soldier
after
we
paid
a
visit
to
the
Tank
Museum
at
Bovington,
but
only
until
we
flew
to
America
on
holiday
and
then
he
decided
he’d
rather
be
a
pilot
for
Virgin
Airlines.’

The
conversation
followed
in
that
vein
for
a
while
and
then
by
the
time
we’d
reached
the
local
park
and
the
children
were
playing
on
the
swings
the
original
subject
was
forgotten
and
changed
for
another
one
–
also
close
to
home
for
me
–
when
Jade
suddenly
confessed
that
she
and
her
husband,
Ian,
were
trying
for
another
baby.

‘I
thought
it
would
happen
right
away,
just
as
it
did
when
we
were
trying
for
Molly,
but
it’s
been
almost
six
months
now
and
nothing
seems
to
be
happening
at
all.
I
haven’t
even
been
late
with
a
period.
I
think
we
should
make
an
appointment
with
the
GP
and
look
at
our
options,
but
Ian
won’t
even
consider
it.
I
think
he’s
scared
it
will
turn
out
to
be
his
fault
we’re
having
trouble
conceiving,
though
he
won’t
admit
it.
What
would
you
do
if
it
was
you?’

The
question
was
directed
at
both
Lucy
and
me,
but
I
was
glad
when
Lucy
answered,
giving
me
time
to
think
before
I
spoke.

‘Well,
I
think
you
should
make
the
appointment
and
insist
that
he
accompany
you,’
she
said
firmly
and
briskly.
‘After
all,
neither
of
you
are
getting
any
younger,
are
you?
If
there’s
a
problem
it
needs
to
be
sorted
sooner
rather
than
later, and
if
you
need
medical
intervention,
then
so
be
it.
This
is
no
time
for
Ian
to
be
burying
his
head
in
the
sand
in
case
it
turns
out
to
be
his
fault,
that’s
just
selfish.’
She
got
up
then,
and
lifting
Trixie
from
her
buggy
she
went
to
sit
her
in
the
baby
swing
and
set
it
in
motion.

Jade
stared
after
her
for
a
moment,
and
then
she
turned
to
me.
‘Well,’
she
said,
‘that’s
her
opinion
–
what’s
yours?’

‘I
think
I’d
start
by
taking
a
look
on
the
internet,’
I
told
her
carefully,
‘no
need
to
go
looking
for
a
medical
problem
when
it’s
probably
absolutely
nothing
of
the
sort.
After
all,
not
everyone
gets
pregnant
immediately.
In
fact,
I
bet
very
few
couples
do.
There
are
probably
loads
of
hints
and
tips
that
will
help
increase
a
couple’s
chances
of
conceiving.’

She
looked
relieved.
‘Oh,
that’s
a
good
idea
–
I
don’t
know
why
I
didn’t
think
of
that
myself.
Thanks,
Wendy.
It’s
all
right
for
Lucy,
because
her
Roland
will
put
up
with
being
bossed
about,
if
I
started
demanding
that
Ian
do
as
I
say
he
would
just
dig
his
heels
in.’

I
nodded.
‘Most
men
would.’

‘Do
you
want
more
children?’
she
asked
me.
I
should
have
been
expecting
the
question
and
had
some
sort
of
vague
answer
ready,
but
Lucy
was
looking
straight
at
me,
kind
of
anxiously.

‘Erm,’
I
began,
‘let’s
just
say
we
would
be
very
happy
if
it
happened,
but
it’s
not
on
the
top
of
our
list
of
priorities
right
now.’
I
felt
I
had
to
add
that
because
I
couldn’t
bear
to
have
Lucy
delving
too
closely
into
my
personal
life
or
–
God
forbid
-
wanting
to
compare
notes.
I
felt
a
bit
mean
for
being
the
teeniest
bit
glad
that
Jon
and
I
weren’t
the
only
ones
having
a
problem
conceiving.
It
helped
to
put
things
into
perspective.