Learning to Live (5 page)

When she walked down those stairs tonight, showcasing her long,
tanned legs in those shorts, I couldn’t breathe. I mean she was hot
earlier, but tonight she was fucking stunning, and I immediately felt a
twitch in my dick. “Breathe, man, just breathe,” I told myself and had
to think of old women at the beach in bikinis. When that didn’t help, I
had to go a little further and picture them in thongs.
Voila
! No more
stiffy.
The night was going great, and I was enjoying watching Trudy,
even though she didn’t talk much. Then my ex decided to show up.
Now I’m watching Trudy walk away with the excuse of finding
my sister while I’m pushing Ashton off of me.
“What are you doing?” I ask in a near shout and take a step back
to put some space between psycho and me. I can’t remember what I
saw in her when we dated last semester. Yeah she’s hot, but that’s all
she’s got going for her. She’s also head cheerleader and has been a
maid in Homecoming Court every year and plays tennis. You would
think she’s an heiress of some country with the way she treats people.
Her nose is higher than Snoop Dog, and she’s a spoiled Daddy’s girl.
Thank God I broke it off when I did.
“Geez, calm down, I’m only saying hey.” She bites her lip and
tries to run her perfectly manicured nail up and down my chest. “I
missed you this summer and wanted to welcome you back to school.
The right way.”
She suggestively eyes me up and down, but it has no
effect on me anymore. Been there and done that. Believe me when I
say she talks more game than she can actually play.
I start to walk away from her when I feel somebody grab me from
behind. I’m ready to tell Ashton where she can go, but when I turn
around, David is standing there with a girl I recognize from one of my
past classes. “Craig’s out back and he’s about to get his ass kicked
again.”
“So what?” I interrupt before he can finish. “If he wants to start a
fight and get the shit beat out of him again today, then let him.” I really
don’t want to get into another fight tonight. All I want to do is talk to
Trudy and learn all I can about her.
I turn again but David’s next words stop me in my tracks. “Nah,
man! It’s Trudy he’s getting into it with.” That’s all I hear before I start
running through the crowd to get out back and bust Craig’s head in. If
he lays one fucking hand on her I swear that I might end up in jail with
no regrets.
As I push the last person out of my way, I’m caught off guard
when Trudy comes into view. She’s straddling Craig’s back in some
kind of MMA move and making him say he’s sorry while bending his
wrist in a weird position. I thought I saw it all earlier today, but this
keeps getting better and better.
Where did this girl come from?
I
continue asking myself that very question while I walk toward Jazz,
who happens to be jumping up and down swinging punches like she’s
about to go into the ring.
“
KICK HIS ASS, TRU!”
she yells, and the crowd goes crazy. I
walk over and tap Trudy on the shoulder to get her attention.
“Do you want me to take over?” I ask, smiling the whole time.
She smiles back but you can tell she’s getting tired and losing her grip.
“Will you?” she asks sweetly while batting her lashes at me in a
playful way.
“Jax, tell her to let me up, man. My arms are going to sleep and I
can’t breathe. Please get this crazy girl off me?” Craig begs, and I’m
tempted to let him up so I can have her all to myself, but first I want to
know what in the hell happened.
I address Tru and ignore his whining. “So, why are you pulling
out your Ali card again on Craig?” I can’t promise I won’t kill him if
she tells me he grabbed her again. Just thinking about it has my temper
ready to explode.
She looks around the crowd and then stops and stares with a
pointed look. I glance that way as well and then see the girl standing
by my sister. She has a ripped shirt and is almost in tears. “I was
looking around for Jazz when I walked outside and saw douchebag
here holding that girl against the fence. So, I decided since she didn’t
look too interested in continuing their conversation, I would have one
of my own with him.”
Craig tried to have sex with an unwilling girl?
Man, what an asshole!
I help her up and then turn to Craig. He shakily stands and braces
his arms on his knees while taking deep breaths. “What the fuck ever,
girl. Don’t listen to her, Jax, because she has no clue what she’s talking
about. Jen was so into it and this Crazy ass bitch…” I don’t let him
finish. He staggers back clutching his jaw and spits out blood.
I step up to take another shot, but I feel a small soft touch on my
bicep. I turn and see Tru’s beautiful green eyes staring at me and
realize she has fear in them. I take a breath and just concentrate on her
to calm myself down. I don’t want her to ever be scared, especially of
me, and I’ll do all I can to make sure she smiles instead.
I take a step away from Craig, but say in a near growl, “If you
know what’s best for you then watch your mouth and keep your dick
in your pants or I’ll talk to the board and have your ass removed from
Kappa Sigma just like that.” I emphasize with a snap of my fingers,
then turn toward Trudy and grab her hand while we make our exit.
I approach the girl standing by Jazz. “Are you okay?” I ask,
hoping I’m still not growling due to my adrenaline increase from the
commotion.
“Y...yes,” she stammers and looks like she wants to cry. “I just
want to go back to my room.”
Jazz instantly has her in a hug and says something in her ear that I
can’t make out. Then she grabs her hand and leaves through the crowd.
I turn toward Tru and notice I’m still holding her hand. Acting like it’s
no big deal, we walk through the nosy crowd, and I hope she doesn’t
pull away. When I spot David I tell him I’m taking the girls back to
their dorm and I’ll be back later. He just nods his head and smiles my
way.
Nobody says anything on the walk back to the dorm, but I don’t
mind because Trudy has yet to take her hand out of mine. I just
concentrate on the texture of her skin and the width of her fingers. Her
hand is so small compared to mine that I’m sure it’s the size of
McKenzie’s. I don’t feel any jewelry, but that doesn’t mean she’s
single. I continue these thoughts as we approach Stokes Hall.
After we drop off Jen, who happens to live on the second floor in
the same dorm, I take Jazz and Tru up to their rooms. I give Jazz a big
hug and then turn toward Tru. She’s standing in front of me with her
hands in her pockets, tapping her foot, and I hate that I make her feel
uncomfortable. I want her to feel relaxed enough to open up to me and
tell me about herself. However, I know it’s going to take time.
“Even though tonight was short, I still had fun, especially when
you turned all Ali toward the end,” I say with a laugh, trying to ease
the mood.
She glances up while biting her lip. “Yeah, it’s definitely a night I
won’t forget, even though I want to.” Man I love watching her mouth
move. Her lips are so sexy with just the right amount of pout to them. I
stop staring at her mouth, realizing I still haven’t responded and I’m
starting to get turned on again. Shit! With this girl I’ll have blue balls
before the week is over.
Clearing my throat and mentally shaking myself, I answer, “Well,
I thought it was awesome, and I’m sure Jen’s thankful you were
around as well. Try not to worry about it. What’s done is done.” I don’t
want her to worry about anything that happened today. Today was
great because I met her, and I want her to see how amazing I think she
is.
She’s quiet for a minute and scrunches her eyebrows together in a
cute way before she speaks again. “Is there a gym or place to run
around here?” I can’t help the image of her wearing her workout attire,
running while gravity plays a hand in her movements. The twitch is
back.
Stop it, you idiot, or you’re going to scare her away.
“Yeah. There’s a gym on campus and also a track you can run at
that’s close to the stadium. But the campus itself is pretty big and the
sidewalk goes throughout, if you want to take a scenic route.” I’m
debating on offering to take her or not. Maybe I should just wait and
see how this week plays out. I don’t want to make the wrong move,
and I have a feeling I need to tread carefully with Trudy. “Well, I better
be getting back, but I’m sure we’ll see each other around.” I’m hoping
that’s disappointment I see in her eyes as I make my way to leave.
“Night.” I finally force myself to turn around and walk away, but I’m
aware of her watching me until she goes inside her room and locks the
door.
Making my way outside I decide to forget the party and dial
Mason. He’s staying at his mom’s this weekend, and since I don’t feel
like dealing with all the drunk idiots or Ashton, I ask if I can crash on
the couch. I walk back to the house and straight to my Jeep before
anyone stops me with mundane small talk. The drive is short and gives
me time to let my mind wander, but it doesn’t go past a green eyed girl
with brown, curly hair.

I sit on my twin bed after washing my face, ready to open the
picture album inside my desk drawer. It’s something I used to do every
night, but I try not to do it as much anymore. I’ve learned it only
depresses me when I’m done. Looking at my sweet boy’s face makes
me smile, but it also reminds me of how alone I am. However, tonight
I need to see him because of all the emotions I’ve been feeling today.
Between the two fights and the stupid emotions Jaxon has stirred
inside me, I feel the need for some familiarity.
When I reach for the drawer handle, there’s a knock at the door. I
feel excitement build in my stomach with the possibility that it might
be Jaxon coming back, but realize how stupid I am because his real
girlfriend is at his frat house with him.
UGH!!! Who cares, Trudy?
I
get up to check the door and try to keep Jaxon out of my head.
When I open the door nobody is there, but then I hear the knock
again. It’s coming from the bathroom door, and I know right away that
it’s Jazz. I open it and see her wearing a matching, pink pajama short
set and all smiles.
“What ya doing
buuuuddy
?” she asks sweetly in a Paulie Shore
voice and I get the suspicion that she wants something. I really like her
and think we’re going to be good friends, but I need to be careful. First
thing I need to do is rid myself of this attraction toward her brother
because I don’t want or need it, and he’s obviously off limits.
“Just getting ready for bed.” I take a seat on my bed and watch her
sit across from me. “Do you need something?” I’m not sure how to act
with someone other than myself on my bed.
“Nope,” she says and pops the
P
while she continues to smile.
“Soooo, what do you think of my brother?”
Ah ha! That’s what she’s up to. She must have noticed me looking
at him earlier. I really need to work on my poker face. “He’s okay, I
guess. He was a big help tonight and earlier today against that Craig
guy.” I shrug my shoulders, trying to act nonchalant about the whole
Jaxon issue.
“He’s actually really great. Believe me when I say that he’d make
a
wonderful
catch for any girl. I saw the way he was looking at you,
chick, and I think he might like you.”
“Yeah right.” I laugh it off but inside I feel flutters build up in my
stomach. I haven’t felt this way in a long time, and it’s both scary and
exciting. I stare at my hands resting on my lap so she won’t see my
pleased expression. “I don’t think so. Besides, he obviously has an
actual girlfriend because they were all over each other before I came
outside looking for you.” I hope I don’t sound jealous. “Also, I don’t
want or have time to date right now. I need to find a job tomorrow
after I purchase my books, and I have a full schedule with my classes
this semester. So there’s really no point to this conversation. You
know?” I think I’m trying to convince myself as much as her.
“Well, honey, I know my brother, and the way he was looking at
you tells me he likes what he sees. Besides, he hasn’t mentioned
having a girlfriend to me or anyone else, so maybe you’re mistaken.
Girls are always trying to get with him, but he doesn’t date much. The
last girlfriend he had I only met during spring break, but it didn’t last
long after that. Her name is Ashton and she’s a complete bitch,
especially to Jaxon. She was always like, ‘
Jaxon do this
,’ and, ‘
Jaxon
do that,
’” she says in a high pitch voice and then shudders from the
memory. “I’m so glad they broke up before summer break.”
“Well, like I said before, I just don’t have the time to dedicate to
any guy.” I can’t get caught up in a guy and his attention again, not
like before. I only need to rely on myself, nobody else.
I stretch my arms above my head and start to get up when Jazz
says, “I don’t know where you learned those ass kicking moves, but all
I can say is WOW. I mean, you’ve got to teach me some of those
moves. Thank God you were there when you were because it could
have been a lot worse for Jen.”
I’m thankful for the subject change, and I have to agree that I’m
relieved I was there for Jen as well. When I walked outside earlier and
saw her fearful gaze fall on me, I knew something wasn’t right. I
listened for her to tell him no, and when he didn’t stop after that, I just
lost it.
I was back in my old apartment, looking into my own eyes while
Brad held me against the wall by my throat, trying to figure out how to
get free to save Brian and me from his cruel intentions, so I did what I
had to do. I tapped him on the shoulder, and when he turned around
and gave me his full attention, asking if I wanted to join, I
reintroduced my knee to his nuts. Then I grabbed him by the wrist and
twisted until he fell down. I’m thankful for those classes and believe
every girl should take them.
“Don’t get me wrong. I was terrified. She had given me a look
that I’m all too familiar with, and I guess instinct took over. I took a
few self-defense classes before I moved from Atlanta. It’s no big deal.”
I shrug my shoulders and go to my small refrigerator to grab myself
some water.
Jazz walks over and gives me one more hug before she leaves me
to my own thoughts. As I lie in bed I think of where my life has led me
and what my plans are for tomorrow. First thing on the list is to go for
a run and check out the gym. Next, find a job, even though I don’t
have any experience other than waitressing and bartending. I’ll find
something to do. I have to because starving is not an option and I still
need to come up with the money for Brian’s headstone.
That last thought has me pulling out Brian’s album, and the same
feeling of sadness overcomes me while my chest tightens. I finger his
tiny footprints and feel the wetness trail down my cheeks. My arms
feel so empty these moments that I grab the blanket he was wrapped in
when he took his last breath, and I hug it to my chest. I just need to
make contact with something that smells like him.
I rock back and forth while sitting on my bed. My throat closes
and my eyes burn as the grief takes over once again. My silent cries
shake my whole body which causes my bed to vibrate. The tightness in
my chest makes my breathing difficult, and my heart feels as though
it’s breaking in two. How many times can a heart break? I wonder and
start to feel anger set in as the tears fall.
Why? Why did you need him?
I want to scream so badly, but my throat is clogged with silent tears.
Why couldn’t you take us both so I wouldn’t have to live in this hell of
despair? Why do you want me to remain alone? Why do you take
everyone that can love ME and that I love in return away?
I ask whoever is listening this all the time, but no answer has been
given. I don’t understand and hope one day I will, but I have my
doubts. The what ifs haunt me every day and have me hating my
decisions that have lead me here.
What if I left Brad before this
happened? What if I made that call at a different time?
I drift to sleep
crying and holding myself while picturing my brown eyed baby boy in
my arms.