Learning-to-Feel (3 page)

I paid, at my insistence, and we made a quick stop at the hardware store. Back in the car, he showed me the police station, the library, the high school, the diner and the park.

"Aaaaaand now you've seen Belfast," he said with a smile. He offered to show me the National Parks and Searsport, a smaller town about twenty minutes away, tomorrow after I checked in at work.
“
It’s a little tourist town, markets and stalls and hippie stuff.”

He smiled when I agreed.

That afternoon, he finished doing whatever he was doing upstairs while I finished unpacking. I was sorting my books when Trent came back downstairs. "Beer?" he asked, but didn't wait for my response, he just walked back into the room and handed me one.

"I’m not much of a drinker," I told him.

He looked at me, baffled. "So, you don’t eat real food, you don’t drink, you don’t sleep, you don’t have a girlfriend... " he took a mouthful of his beer and swallowed. "You don’t have a boyfriend... "

His words trailed away suggestively, and I was again unable to answer.

"What
do
you do?" he asked with a tilt of his head.

"I work."

He stepped closer to me, like he might have touched me, but instead put his beer on the shelf beside me. I exhaled shakily, and my body responded to the close proximity of him. My chest tightened and my cock twitched, and I blurted out, "I’m not gay."

He looked at me, both surprised and amused. I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince him or me.

"Really?" he asked with that goddamn smirk. "I thought I had a pretty good radar for things like that." He stepped up close to me again, so close I felt his body heat, and he reached out for his beer as he watched me.

I was so thrown by my reaction, my body's reaction, my mind's reaction. I was a doctor for fucks sake. He rendered me speechless with his blue eyes, full lips, strong jaw and those dimples turned my mind to mush.

He could tell I was stuck, but thankfully he didn't push me. He stepped back and said, "I'll start dinner," and he left me standing in front of the book case trying to control my breathing.

I was deciding whether to stay where I was, to join him in the kitchen or to hide in my room when my phone rang. Pulling my cell from my pocket, I checked the caller ID before I answered. "Mom."

She asked me fifty questions, and I reassured her everything was fine. I talked to her for a while, told her of my plans to meet the hospital staff tomorrow and about the house and how the
house
came with a
housemate
. That of course ensured another fifty questions, to which I answered as vaguely as possible, knowing Trent probably heard me.

"Well, he sounds nice," Mom said. "I’m glad you're not there alone."

When I said goodbye, I found myself on the sofa, exhausted. I smelled whatever it was Trent had started cooking, and it smelled good. But I was tired, thoroughly fucking confused, and my stomach turned.

Trent came into the large lounge room and said dinner wouldn't be too far away.

I stood, and for some reason I couldn’t look at him, like if I did, I'd change my mind. "I’m not hungry," I told him. "I’m sorry, but I think I’m gonna head upstairs."

He didn't speak for a second, while my feet felt planted to the floor. He walked right up to me, but he wasn’t smirking or smiling. He looked concerned. "I’m sorry if I came on a bit strong, Nathan. I thought... " he stopped talking, smiled and started again, "You look tired. Get some sleep."

But he stood too close again, and my brain had stopped working. So I nodded and tried to swallow. I somehow made it up the stairs and into the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and quickly undid the button of my jeans and palmed my aching dick.

I was so hard. I’d never been so aroused. Sure, I'd been with women, but this was different. I was aroused at the mere proximity of this guy. A guy, for fucks sake! I ran the water as hot as I could stand and let the heat of the shower run over my shoulders and down my back, but my cock was throbbing, swollen and leaking.

I was a fucking intelligent man, a doctor, who was resigned to living a life without true physical gratification. Yet there I stood, more turned on than I’d ever been, fisting my cock in the shower, because of a man. A man, who, if I closed my eyes, I could picture him on his knees before me.

And it wasn't the hot water and my hand around my dick, it was his hot mouth and his tongue that lapped at and sucked me. The image of this, the idea of Trent, blond hair, blue eyes and succulent lips taking my cock in his mouth, sucking and swallowing... God, I came so fucking hard.

My cock pulsed and lurched, erupting thickly onto the tiles. My whole body convulsed as the mental images of Trent swallowing my come sent spasms through me. I stood in the shower, leaning my spinning head onto my arm on the tiles and waited until I had regained some semblance of control before shutting the water off and getting out.

I crawled into bed, confused but sated, and fell asleep with the words my father said to me echoing in my brain.

"
Take happiness wherever you find it, Son. Don’t deny yourself anything."

CHAPTER 4

I woke from a rare solid ten hours of sleep. It took me a while to realize I wasn’t at my apartment or in a hospital cot after a thirty-two hour shift. I was in a strange bed, in a strange house – my bed, my house for the next twelve months, in Belfast, where I was currently house sharing with another man.

Trent.

I recalled how, last night, I jerked off to images of him, how being near him made my chest tighten, how his smile transfixed me.

And I was surprisingly okay with it.

I’d always thought something was missing. I'd never had real sexual urges with women, and I'd never been particularly attracted to anyone. It was new for me, and while it fucked with my head, I convinced myself to just go with it.

For once in my life, I
felt
something. Really, really
felt
something. Even if it was fleeting, even if it was with a guy – a fact which I tried not to dwell on – I just wanted to let myself have this. Just once.

Throwing back the covers, I took a deep breath and went downstairs. Bentley was in his bed by the rear glass doors and looked at me as I walked into the kitchen. "Hey, Boy," I whispered, and he padded over to say hello. I told him I might go for a walk and he could have some breakfast when I got back, then it occurred to me that he might like to come with me.

It was still dark, barely five AM. So I got changed quickly and quietly, not wanting to make too much noise, and Bentley and I headed out into the back yard. The property was quite large, and the water met the edge of yard, maybe two-hundred yards from the house.

By the time I’d walked a few trails, explored a bit and breathed in enough forest air for one morning, we headed back. I threw some rocks into the water and laughed at Bentley, who was utterly confused by rocks that sank in water, and I was still smiling as I walked through the back doors.

A sleepy looking Trent was sitting at the kitchen bench with a coffee in his hand, and I was certain he had been watching us down by the water. "I thought you'd run off with my dog," he said, sipping his coffee. "But then I saw you," he added, jutting his chin toward the yard.

Oh shit, I didn't even think of letting him know. "I’m sorry. I should have left a note."

Trent laughed. "It’s fine, Nathan," he said, and his eyes were a dazzling blue. "You seem happier today. Trust you slept well?"

"I did, thank you, which is rare for me," I said, flipping the kettle on. I set about making my coffee and told him, "It really is beautiful here. The trails would make for some great hiking."

Trent nodded and told me about the National Parks that surrounded Belfast, which trails were good for hiking or sightseeing. He asked, "Did you still want me to show you around this afternoon?"

"Sure," I told him, and my heart thumped in my chest, making me smile.

He smiled too and told me what work he'd get done upstairs while I went to the hospital to meet the staff. We talked so easily, and I thought I was getting a handle on my nerves around him, until he leaned across me to put his cup in the sink.

My heartbeat spiked, my skin warmed and when my breath hitched, he looked at me and smiled. "You okay, Nathan?" he asked with a smirk, as though he knew damn well what he did to me.

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah... I promised Bentley some breakfast."

He stepped away from me and grinned. "You're gonna spoil my dog."

"He doesn't mind," I replied, and Trent chuckled as he walked out of the room. I was left holding onto the kitchen cupboard like it was holding me up.

Breathe in, breathe out, and feel.

I repeated my mantra a few times until my heart rate was back to normal, and Bentley had had two pieces of toast.

I walked into the Emergency Department of Belfast County General Hospital and approached the triage counter. The woman, a nurse, looked up from the desk, then looked me up and down, twice. I was used to this reaction from nurses – or women in general – and I looked away and rolled my eyes.

"What can
I
do for
you?
" she asked breathily, in a poor attempt at being seductive.

"You can get me the Chief of Staff or your Unit Manager. I’m Doctor Tierney."

Her eyes popped, and she backed away, not taking her eyes off me until she’d backed around a corner. I turned to face the waiting room, which a few people were sitting in, and they were all watching me. I smiled at them, resisting the urge to bang my head on the counter.

I had a fleeting moment of
what the hell have I done?
But then I was met by an older man wearing a doctor's coat. "Doctor Varner," he introduced himself, and I shook his hand. He was professional and businesslike, though like most doctors I knew, he looked tired.

We immediately talked work, and I was introduced to staff and shown around the hospital. By the time I left an hour later, I had a pile of paperwork to fill out and rosters to go over, but I felt much better about my decision to come here.

I called into the bakery and grabbed some fresh bread rolls before heading home. Bentley met me at the door, and I presumed Trent was still busy upstairs. I off-loaded my paperwork on the dining table and decided to let Trent know I’d bought him some lunch.

I climbed the stairs and found him in the hallway with his back to me. I saw he had earphones in, and I heard the quiet buzz of music coming from the iPod shoved in his pocket. I watched him; he was wearing paint-splashed faded jeans and a white paint-splashed shirt. His hand held the brush like a surgical instrument as he ran the bristles along the door frame at the end of the hall with both precision and finesse. His forearm flexed, and his shoulders moved with each stroke of his hand. My eyes fell to his waist where his shirt bunched at his jeans, and I wondered what he looked like underneath the material.

Fuck. Now I was checking him out again.

I was. I was attracted to him. I couldn’t deny it.

Fuck.

Breathe in, breathe out and feel. Let yourself feel...

I called out his name, but he didn't hear me, so I walked up behind him and touched his shoulder. He jumped, startled, and I blushed. "I brought you back some lunch," I told him quickly and all but raced back downstairs so he couldn’t see the semi in my pants.

"Be down in a sec," he yelled out, and I was grateful for the few minutes to garner some self control.

It was a heady feeling, it was heightening and for the first time
ever
, I think I saw what all the fuss over lust was about.

It was intoxicating.

As I bit into my bread roll and salad, my mind wandered into the whole 'but it’s a guy' territory, and while half of me was okay with it, half of me wanted to fight it. What did it mean? Why now? Why hadn't I been attracted to guys before? Why hadn't I been attracted to
anyone
before? Was it some early mid-life crisis? Was that why I up and left my life in Boston? Because I was having some kind of stress-induced freak out?

Oblivious to my mental tirade, Trent sat down beside me and said, "Thanks for lunch." He smiled with dimples and his eyes danced, and the part of me that simply didn't give a fuck, won.

Just like that.

He asked about the hospital, how the meeting went and what I thought and we talked long after our lunches were finished. He said it was rare for the good weather and suggested we head down to Searsport first. There was a beach and markets where the locals sold their wares.

So that was what we did. We took his old Chevy truck, chained Bentley into the back so he could come with us, and headed south to Searsport. My nerves seemed to take a back seat as we chatted effortlessly, and he told me stories of his travels that made me laugh.

We spent a good hour or so in the small town, at the markets, watching Bentley pounce and play in the bay before we climbed back in the truck and found eventually some nature trails perfect for hiking. We didn’t go in too far because we weren’t prepared or equipped for hiking, but it was different to see Trent outdoors, and
hanging out
with him. By the time we got back to the house, it was getting on dark.

Being back at the house changed the energy between us. It was like my body knew we were finally alone, just the two of us, and I was both praying that Trent would make a move and that he wouldn’t. I wanted to
feel
, I wanted to feel desire, to
be
desired. It thrilled me and terrified me at the same time.

Trent seemed to pick up on the shift in my emotions. We were in the kitchen, and I was leaning against the counter. He stood barely two feet from me, handed me a beer and clinked his bottle with mine. "Have a good day?"

I took a mouthful of beer and answered him honestly. "It was been one of the best days I’ve had in years. Thank you."

His eyebrows shot up. "Really?"

I chuckled, embarrassed, and drank some more of my beer. "I haven't done much else apart from work and study."