Lean On Me (Take My Hand) (17 page)

Jared

She
doesn’t understand. My uncle Trev, my
mum’s brother, was treated for epilepsy for
five
years before they found out what was wrong with him. Doctors are so quick
these days to palm you off with medication, and because it seemed to work for
him, stopped the seizures, they stopped investigating. Five years later? Dead.
Brain tumour. By the time they found it, it had already eaten half of his
brain. He was dead less than a month later.

Cancer.
Sometimes it’s hereditary. I know this because you pick things up being the kid
of doctor parents. Everyone’s always said I look like Uncle Trev, so chances
are if he were going to pass something down to anyone, it’d be me.

I
fucking hate Mick right now. He’s ruined everything. I should’ve been with
Rachel now, rubbing her belly, arguing over names, planning what colour to
decorate the nursery or how the fuck I was going to break the news to my
parents. Well, Jess better not think she’s getting out of it for much longer.
If they’re going to know about
my
baby,
then they’re sure as shit going to know about hers. Almost three months she’s
known for, and she still hasn’t plucked up enough courage to bite the bullet
and tell anyone.

Anyway,
I wasn’t doing any of that. I wasn’t cooing over baby clothes, planning our
future or making the most of Rachel’s swollen tits… No. I was driving aimlessly
around the city with the worst mother fucking headache I’ve ever had the
misfortune to experience, not knowing what the hell life was going to throw at
me next.

That’s
when it happened. That’s when I realised the throb in my head and the ache in
my muscles weren’t from lack of sleep, frustration or pure desperation… Just as
I’ve always feared – I’m not in control. This ‘thing’ holds all the
power.

My
vision began to blur and the grip my fingers had on the steering wheel grew
weaker. I slowly raised my right foot off the accelerator but I was in right
lane in the middle of a dual carriageway surrounded by cars doing 70mph. There
was no way I could pull over here so I put my hazard lights on and prayed the
other drivers would part to enough to let me through to the verge.

My
vision had disappeared completely by the time I heard the brash and persistent
sound of what must’ve been ten horns. And then when my ears caught the violent
crunch of metal, and I felt the burn of shattered glass spray over my face, I
gave into the darkness and lost all consciousness.

The
last thing I remember before that, is praying to a God I’ve never believed in,
that I would get to see Rachel again.

Rachel

The
call came two hours after Jared had
left. Or rather, since I
told
him to
leave. Remind me why I did that again? Because right now I don’t think I’ll
ever forgive myself. I
knew
he
shouldn’t be driving. I’d done nothing but try and ram that fact into his
stupid, stubborn brain since I found out. So why, when I
knew
that, did I tell him to leave,
knowing
he would be getting straight into his car?

It
was Jared’s sister Jessica who called. She and her parents were with Jared in
the A&E department of King’s College hospital after getting a call
informing them Jared had been involved in a road traffic accident. At the time
she phoned, Jared was in theatre having his lung repaired - apparently it was
punctured by a fractured rib.

My
heart was in my mouth when I entered the family waiting room. I spotted Jess
immediately. I’d only met her briefly once before but she is Jared with longer
hair and a smaller frame so there was no mistaking her.

“How
is he?” I blurted out the second I was close enough for her to hear me.

“He’s
just out of theatre. Everything went as it should. We haven’t been allowed to
see him yet, but the doctor said he’s been very lucky. Apart from the lung
puncture and a couple of broken ribs, he got away with just a few cuts and
bruises.”

“Thank
God,” I breathed out, exhaling for what felt like the first time in an hour. Then
I noticed the strategically placed box of tissues sitting on the table beside
me and I couldn’t help wonder about the terrible news these walls must have
heard over the years.

“I
believe congratulations are in order,” she went on to whisper, bending down as
if she were making sure only I could hear. For the record, we were the only two
people in the room. I looked up at her with a questioning eyebrow. “Jared told
me about the baby. He’s so excited. Seriously, I’ve never seen him so happy.”
Well, fuck… now I was crying. “Hey, he’s going to be okay,” Jess added, rubbing
my shoulder.

“We
argued. I
made
him leave this
morning,” I confessed. “This is all my fault.”

“Hey,”
she cooed. “It was an accident. This wasn’t anyone’s fault. We don’t even know
what happened yet. My colleagues are talking to the driver of the van involved
right now. They’ll let me know immediately what they find. Perk of the job,”
she winked.

My
first thought was that Jared had lost consciousness at the wheel, but that was
immediately followed by his insistence that he
always
gets a warning. But really, in that moment I didn’t care
what had happened. I just wanted to see him.

“Good.
That’s good,” I replied, not knowing what else to say. “The other driver… is he
okay?”

“Broken
wrist, bruising to the chest and a swollen eye. Could’ve been worse.”

“Are
you scared, Jessica? About having a baby I mean,” I asked out of nowhere. Having
her there, knowing she understood, was kind of a relief.

“Petrified,”
she answered honestly. In some ways it comforted me – knowing she felt
the same way I do. But in another breath, it made me feel a thousand times
worse. She’s further on into her pregnancy than I am, and I have been hoping
the fear would fade eventually. Hearing Jessica’s reply makes me think that
might not happen any time soon. Rendered a little speechless, I watched
curiously as Jessica started rifling through her handbag. A few seconds later
she pulled out a white card with a cartoon stalk printed on it. “But seeing
this,” she breathed, sighing almost dreamily as she handed me the card. “This
makes that fear go away.”

Stapled
inside the card was a scan picture.

“This
is your baby?” I asked in amazement. Then I continued to stare at it, trying to
figure out which grey splodge belonged to what part of the baby.

“Yeah.
I’m fourteen weeks along they told me. This right here is an arm,” she pointed
out, leaning down and tapping her finger on a grey squiggle. “And that right
there is its head.”

“This
is…” I took a moment to regain my breath. I might not have been able to tell
what went where but still, this was a
baby
.
Jessica’s baby. A baby that was growing right next to me in her belly.
“Amazing,” I eventually managed to say.

“I
know. And you’ll have your own one of these soon,” she said with a smile,
taking the card from me and giving it a little wave in the air before putting
it back in her bag.

We
sat in silence for a few minutes after that. I was thinking of the little human
growing inside me and I wondered if Jess was doing the same. Then something
else, or rather someone else popped unwilling into my mind.

“Where
are your parents?”
This
situation
sure as hell wasn’t how I imagined our first meeting to be.

“My
dad’s been watching in during Jared’s surgery and Mum’s talking through his
medical history with one of the nurses.” Then, as if by magic, Jared’s parents
strolled into the room. I only knew they were his parents because Jess threw
herself into her mother’s arms the second she saw her.

“It’s
family only,” his father muttered with a scowl. Well whaddya know? I hated the
fucker already.

“She
is
family, Alistair,” his mum
scolded, before tutting and smiling apologetically at me. “You must be Rachel,”
she went on, reaching down to take my hand. I nodded and offered my hand out to
shake but instead she clasped it in hers and squeezed gently before letting it
go. “I’m Sue and this is Alistair,” she introduced, signalling towards her
husband with a nod of the head.

“Can
we see him yet?” Jessica asked, flitting her eyes between both of her parents.

“Not
yet. But soon hopefully,” Sue answered.

“Derrick
will be fetching us when his anaesthesia wears off,” Alistair added. I know his
father works at this hospital, so I assumed Derrick was one of his doctor
friends.

Have
you ever experienced an awkward silence? You know the type I mean – where
you’re eyes dart around the room not knowing what to land on. Where you flick
through a magazine and fake read, and hope you don’t look as uncomfortable as
you feel. Or where you cough, rub your nose or pick imaginary lint off your
clothes just to try and look busy…

Yeah
– shit isn’t it? And that’s exactly what the fifteen minutes spent
waiting for news on Jared was like.

“Derrick,
my friend,” Alistair greeted when the grey-haired doctor opened the door to the
waiting room. “How is he?”

“Stable.
Surgery went well as you know and I foresee no lasting damage. The police are
waiting outside. I’ve told them-”

“The
police
?” I interrupted. Alistair
rolled his eyes at me. Yep, you read that right. The obnoxious old fucker
looked at me like I was thicker than the crack in a lump of dog shit.

“It’s
standard procedure,” Sue answered in a friendly tone. God knows why the hell
she married such a miserable dickhole. Even his face, with its wrinkled
forehead and permanent frown, reminds me of a scrotum with a nasty case of
genital warts. “They just want to find out what happened, that’s all. A few
questions will likely be all they’ll have for him.”

“Thank
you,
Sue
,” I said with a grateful
smile – accentuating her name to act as a verbal slap to Alistair’s face.
Tosser.

“Well
thank you, Derrick. Sue?” Alistair said, cocking his head towards the door for
her to follow.

“Um,
actually, Al… he’s asking for his young lady over there.”

Ha!
Screw you, motherfucker!
Immature?
Maybe… But the only issue I had with that thought as I wheeled past Alistair
with a smug grin on my face, was that I didn’t say it out loud. Seriously, you
should’ve seen how pissed off he looked. Fucking priceless. Where’s a camera
when you need one, eh?

I
could hear frustrated whispers swamping the small room before I’d even fully
reached the corridor outside. I felt superior for only a second because as soon
as the balding doctor closed the door behind us, Jared’s parents were suddenly
insignificant. All that mattered now was getting to Jared’s side as quickly as
possible.

Two
corridors and a lift big enough for twenty people later, Derrick –
Alistair’s doctor friend – pushed open the heavy doors to Jared’s
side-room and I wheeled eagerly past him.

“Jesus,”
I exhaled at the sight of him. Jared was lying in a half-upright position and
cocooned in a thick white sheet. His left eye was black and swollen, he had a
thick, stitched cut slashed diagonally down his right cheek, the muscles of his
chest were a rich, marbled purple and he had cannulas poking out of both hands.
As soon as he saw me he looked up with a small, painful looking smile. “What
the hell happened, Jaz?”

“I’m
sorry,” he muttered, sighing as he stared down at the mattress. I moved closer
to him and put my brakes on when I’d lined myself up with the side of his bed.
“I should’ve listened to you.”

“Wait…what?
Are you saying you had one of your seizures? Is that what caused the crash?”
His guilt-ridden eyes made contact with mine for the briefest of seconds before
he closed them and nodded slowly. “Fucking hell, Jared you could’ve killed
somebody!” As soon as I’d yelled the words I mentally told myself to calm down.
Looking at his damaged body before me and seeing the sorrow in his eyes, I realised
he’d had enough punishment.

“I
know. I just… didn’t see this one coming. Even though that was the
one
thing I’d literally
just
promised you would never happen.
Ironic, huh?”

“Let’s
go with stupid.”

“I’ve
told the doctor though. I’m going to sort this, Rach, I promise you.”

“Yeah?”
I questioned, eyeing him up dubiously. Sincerity oozed from his puffy green
eyes and I didn’t need any more reassurance. But he offered it anyway.

“Yes.
You know, the last thing I remember is praying I’d get to meet our baby. That
scares the shit out of me, Rachel. You have no idea how much I want this. Us.
Our family. I won’t let you down again,” he promised, reaching over the side of
the bed and splaying his hand across my stomach. “Either of you.”

It
started with a slight wobble of my lower lip and rapidly increased until my
whole jaw was trembling. Then, I gave in to the threat of tears and bawled my
eyes out.

“Don’t
cry, saffy,” Jared soothed, taking my hand and lifting it onto his chest.

“It’s
just… that’s the first time it’s really hit me. With everything else going on,
being worried about you and not knowing if we had a future, I’ve barely thought
about having a…
family
. But I want
that too. I didn’t realise just how much until right this second, but dear God
I want it too.”

“Fucking
hell, Rach…” Jared breathed out, pursing his eyebrows like he was in pain. “I
genuinely didn’t realise what a selfish bastard I was being. I had no doubt in
my mind we had a future together. Knowing that you weren’t sure? That hurts. I
had no idea and I’m so fucking sorry.”

“It
doesn’t matter now,” I shrugged. “Maybe you were stubborn, maybe I
overreacted.”

“You
didn’t overreact. I think this kind of proves it,” he said, waving his hand
over his battered body.

“Either way, all that matters is this
baby. She needs a mummy
and
a daddy,
and we’ve got to make sure we give it to her.” My voice was dripping with
seriousness, so why did Jared find it so amusing? “What?” I asked, confused and
a little pissed off. In fairness, as you may have gathered, it doesn’t take
much to piss me off.

“You
always say ‘she’ or ‘her’.”
Do I?
“I’m
pretty sure you don’t get a say in what we have, saffy. In fact, I think the
genes that decide whether to sprout a tulip or a ding-a-ling is solely the
man’s responsibility.” Christ, if I’d been eating or drinking in that moment, I
would almost certainly have choked to death.

“Okay,
parenting rule number one: Don’t
ever
refer
to our baby’s parts as a tulip or a ding-a-ling again.”

“Well
I’m sorry for not being up on the lingo regarding kids genitals,” he shot back
sarcastically. “Wait – that sounded totally fucking wrong. But you know
what I mean. So, out of interest… what am I
supposed
to call them?”

“I
don’t know. When I was a kid they were called front-bums and willies.”

“Yeah,
‘cause they’re so much classier than tulip and ding-a-ling.”

For
a few perfect seconds we just stared at each other. Then, we both burst into hysterics.

“I’ve
missed this,” I said, still chuckling softly.

“What?
Talking about tulips and willies?”

“No!”
I snapped playfully. “Us. Laughing – being dick heads. It’s what we do
best right? It just feels…
normal
. I
feel like everything’s going to be okay.”

“That’s
because it is,” he murmured before bringing my hand to his lips and kissing my
knuckles. “I’ve been afraid, Rach. I’d almost convinced myself I’ve got some
kind of tumour or something. But hearing you say you doubted our future…
nothing has ever terrified me more than that. I won’t ever risk losing you
again.”