Lean On Me (Take My Hand) (15 page)

Rachel
was silent for longer than I’d either anticipated… or liked.

“Rach?”
Fuck, was there even a decision? Did she really need to
think
about it? “Rachel, I’m kind of nervous here.”

“No.
I mean yeah. I mean… sorry. It’s just… things can change you know? You’re happy
right now, but what if something changes between us? Life doesn’t stand still.
It won’t always be like this. Me at Uni, you working at the pub, meeting up to
either get pissed or shag…”

“Whoa,
whoa, whoa… slow the fuck down. You think that’s why I like being with you? For
the booze and the
sex?
The
amazing
sex I should point out but
still… Rachel I would love you if your pussy healed over and your liver packed
up. I would love you just as much if you could run as I do even though you
can’t – though I’d probably be a little more afraid of you if you could
chase me.”

Is that… yep, definitely a smile.

“I
don’t know how many times I need to say it before you believe me. I. Love. You.
And you know why, because I’ve told you a thousand times. So stop fishing for
compliments and tell me you love me too already.”

“I-I
do
.”

“You
do… what? Say it, Rachel. Tell me how you feel.” I pushed, my lips trembling
from the pressure of the smile trying to take over my face.

“I…
love you.”

“I’m
sorry? Didn’t quite hear that?” I teased, cupping my hand around my ear.

“I
love you, okay? I fucking LOVE you! Happy?”

“Ecstatic,”
I breathed, leaning forward and smiling against her lips before brushing my
tongue over her lip-ring. “What took you so damn long?”

Rachel
backed away a little so our noses were no longer touching. I stared into her
eyes, which are the colour of brown sugar, and waited for her to relax enough
to tell me.

“You
asked me once if I trusted you. Can I, Jared. I mean
really?
” I had a peculiar heavy feeling in my gut. Whatever she was
trying to get across was unnerving me.

“Of
course you can. Why are you asking me that?”

“Because
we shouldn’t have secrets.”

Fuck.

Does
she know? About the… episodes?
No. She
can’t,
I decided. Mick is the only other person to know about that and I’m
pretty sure they’re not bosom buddies. Speaking of episodes, one was coming.
I’d been feeling it all night. My limbs already felt heavy and I hadn’t even
stood up yet. Selfishly, once I’d reassured Rachel enough to trust that I’m not
going anywhere, I would have to go home.

This
would’ve been my perfect opportunity to tell her. But then again, why worry her
when they will stop eventually? Besides, how can I admit that I hate how weak
they make me feel? That I detest the fact it feels like they control me. That I
fucking hate being different to anyone else and that it scares the fuck out of
me that she might think I
need
help
– need to be dependent on others some of the time.

How
in hell can I tell her that, when she’s stuck in a damn wheelchair and yet is
one of the strongest, most determined and
able
people I’ve ever met in my life?

“Jared…
I found something out today. And I’m terrified it’s going to change things
between us.”

“It
won’t
.” Jesus, what the fuck was
coming? “I promise you. You can tell me anything,” I assured her, pushing past
the anxiety crawling up my throat. Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep, no
two… ended up being
five
lingering
breaths.

“I’m
pregnant.”

What?

Sorry,
what?

Holy
fuck…

“You’re…”
I couldn’t even finish speaking, too busy focusing on the blood draining from
my face and pooling in a terrified fucking heap in my feet.

“Pregnant.
I’m pregnant, Jared. I’m having your baby.”

Sorry,
what?

Okay,
okay, okay… breathe.
You can do it. Go
on… in and out.

“Jared?”

In and out. In. And. Out.

“Jared,
please. Say something.”

“You’re
having a… baby.
We’re
having a…
baby.
”

A
baby.

A
tiny human.

A
tiny human who will rely on
me
to
take care of it.

Me.

“You’re
going to be a dad.”

Fuck.

A…
dad?

ME?

“I’m
so sorry. It’s changed hasn’t it? Everything’s changed. I knew it. I fucking
knew
it! Jared, I didn’t plan fo-”

“Rachel,”
I interrupted. “Don’t apologise. Christ, this isn’t your fault. Not that it’s
even a fault at all. It’s just… a lot to take in.”

Me.
A father.

Fuck.

“And
you’re sure?”

“Yes.
According to the packet it’s like ninety something percent accurate. But… I’ve
not felt ‘right’ for a while. I know it’s true. I can feel it.”

“Okay,”
I nodded. “So, what’s next?” Oh fuck, I
really
needed to leave soon before it was too dangerous for me to drive. But how
could I leave her after what she’s just told me? How much of a total selfish
prick would that make me?
Tell her. Just…
tell her.
“Do we need to make an appointment to see a doctor?”

“Yeah,
I guess so. I’ll ring when they open at nine.”

“And
I’ll be with you. You know that right? You don’t have to attend one single
appointment on your own. We can do this, Rach.”

Can’t
we?

“I’m
sorry, baby, I just need the bathroom,” I announced. I needed water on my face.
Now. “But this changes nothing,” I said assuredly, pulling my pants on from the
floor by the end of the bed. “I love you.” I bent down and kissed her forehead,
steadying myself on the headboard when I started to feel dizzy.

“I
was so scared of telling you.”

“Don’t
ever be afraid to tell me
anything,
saffy.
I told you nothing could come between us and I meant it. Now, I really need to
piss.” I kissed her head one more time and walked slowly and cautiously to the
bathroom.

Ten
minutes I stayed in the bathroom. I was growing weaker by the second. I’d drank
four glasses of water and dunked my head in the sink but nothing worked. In a way,
the fact that I
know
what’s coming
kind of makes me feel more confident that it’s nothing serious. I mean if it
was epilepsy, or a tumour or some shit like that, I wouldn’t get so much
warning. I’d go just down like a sack of shit, right? It’s probably just low
blood sugar or something. I think my granddad had that.

Yeah,
that’s all it is. And once today’s over I’ll go to the doctor and get it
sorted. I have to. It’s time to start being responsible. I’m going to be a dad.

Fuck.

“Rach,
I’m really sorry I’m going to have to leave. Mick’s just called and there’s
been some kind of fuck up with the deliveries,” I lied, shrugging into my
shirt. What? I’m going to tell her. For now, I just needed to get home.

“Um…
okay,” she said dejectedly. Damn, I hated myself in that moment.

“I’ll
call you later. Let me know when you get that appointment.”

I
left straight away, and it wasn’t until I turned my key in the ignition I
remembered I hadn’t even kissed her goodbye.

I
hate this. I hate the fact I had to leave whether I wanted to or not.

See?
The fucking thing controls me.

Rachel

So
, Mick needed Jared in work, eh? Quite
simply, I find it fucking amazing that Mick managed to get that message to him
telepathically. I mean, how else could he have ‘called’ while Jared was in the
bathroom, when his phone was sticking out of his jacket pocket at the end of my
bed?

After
hearing him leave, I got out of bed, washed and dressed quickly for the day and
decided to go and have it out with the sneaky bastard at the pub. Riding in the
back of a black cab, I managed to get myself to a whole new level of royally
pissed off. I’d just told him I was having his baby, and he runs off to sort
out some barrels or whatever it was he said. How the fuck was beer important
right now? He should’ve told Mick to fuck off.

Christ
I needed a smoke right now. I knew I couldn’t of course, but that didn’t stop
me getting cranky. I ended up sucking on the bottom end of a pen, hoping I
could trick my mind into thinking it was a cigarette. You probably won’t be too
surprised to hear my mind wasn’t that stupid, and the pen didn’t do shit to
quash my craving.

Ugh.

If
this incident with Jared had been a one off occasion I might not have thought
too much of it. Okay, so maybe I would. I think we’ve established I seem to
have some trust issues going on. Seriously, what’s the deal with that? I don’t
want
to be a bunny-boiling girlfriend
but it’s like I can’t seem to help myself sometimes.

Anyway,
my point is, this
wasn’t
the first
time. When I look back there are a handful of times Jared has gone missing off
the face of the planet, stood me up or left with a shitty explanation. Now
don’t worry, I’m not convinced he’s cheating on me again so you don’t have to
put up with me sinking into a whiney depression over that. No, if this last two
months have proved anything to me, it’s that Jared really does love me.

We’ve
shared too much for me to have any doubts there. It’s in his eyes – the
way he stares at me, the way they light up when he sees me and then darken
slightly when he
wants
me. He says
the most wonderful things – like he really cherishes me. And let’s face
it, Jared is a goofball so I don’t think he has it in him to make all that shit
up. So no. I don’t think he’s cheating on me. But he’s hiding
something
and I’m determined to find out
what.

Getting
out of the minibus after paying the driver, I remembered how we had only
just
said there should be no secrets
between us.
Then
, I remembered it was
in fact
me
who said that and Jared didn’t
actually say anything at all.

Being
early in the morning I wasn’t surprised to find the pub closed. I leaned
forward and banged on the public entrance doors a few times before giving up
and heading around the back of the building. There was a buzzer on the worn-in
back door that was too high up for me to reach, so again I went with the option
of bashing on the wood.

“Do
you know what time it is?” Mick said gruffly, scratching at the stubble on his
chin as he opened the door. It was 9 AM – you’d have thought from his
reaction it was the middle of the bloody night.

“I
need to speak to Jared.”

“Yeah?
Well then go and bash shit out of
his
door instead of bothering me at this hour of the fucking morning.” My shoulders
slumped and I sighed heavily. What the hell was he playing at? “What’s he
done?” Mick added in an almost sympathetic tone I’d never heard coming out of
his mouth before. I just shrugged. I wasn’t going to explain myself to Mick. As
far as I was concerned he was just the grumpy old bastard who ran the pub
– regardless of the fact he’s related to Jared. “Come on. I’m up now, you
might as well come in,” he grumbled while rubbing his eyes. Although he still
sounded like a miserable tosser, it was the friendliest I’d ever seen him and
so decided to go inside. Maybe, just maybe, he knew what Jared was being so
damn secretive about.

“You’re
gonna have to give me a hand up this step,” I said.

“A
please wouldn’t go amiss,” he complained, stepping out onto the pebbled path in
his slippers to grab the handles on my chair.

“Neither
would a smile,” I tossed back. I’m sure I heard the faint rumblings of a small
laugh. Mick laughing… who knew that was even possible?

Once
he’d guided my chair up the step I took over. I don’t like people I don’t know
very well pushing me – it makes me
feel
disabled if that makes sense. Incapable. Inadequate.

“Coffee?”

“No
thanks.” Ugh, the thought churned my stomach. “Maybe some water please.” Mick
nodded and disappeared out of the back room into the bar. He came back a minute
later with a bottle of spring water and then slumped down onto the shabby sofa.

“So
go on, what’s the stupid little shit done now?”

“For
starters he told me you’d called him in about an hour ago. I might as well get
straight to the point… Do you know anything you think Jared would want to keep
from me?”

“What
makes you say that?” he asked carefully. I knew instantly from the hesitant
look in his eyes he knew damn well what Jared was hiding.

“He
disappears a lot. Acts nervous sometimes. I don’t think he’s doing anything to
hurt me. I know he loves me. I… I’m worried about him.” And I didn’t realise it
until that very moment. I wasn’t annoyed with Jared – I was
overwhelmingly concerned.

“You
know you really should be talking to Jared about this.”

“If
Jared wanted to talk about it, I wouldn’t be here.” Here was me thinking the cranky
old twat was going to be helpful. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have come in,” I
snapped, releasing my brakes.

“Wait,”
Mick breathed out. “That lad means a lot to me. I don’t want him to think he
can’t trust me.” Holy shit. That sounded more serious than I was expecting. I
went there for answers and now I didn’t want them anymore. “You love Jared?”

“Yes.
Yes I really do.” Christ, if Mick kept this up I might actually start believing
he has ‘feelings’.

“I
can’t believe the stupid shit hasn’t told you already. I
told
him to tell you.”

“Tell
me what?” I rushed out, feeling a sudden pang of panic in my stomach.

“I
don’t know if Jared’s told you, but I didn’t really have much to do with him
growing up. My brother and I had an… irreconcilable altercation.”

“Yeah.
He mentioned something.”
Like you came on
to his mother…

“Well,
eight years ago I walked out the back there,” he said, nodding to the back of
the building, “after closing, and found Jared bloody, beaten and having some
kind of fit on the concrete.”

“A
fit
?”

“Yeah.
He’d had a run in with some pricks in Glitter earlier on…” Glitter is the
nightclub a couple of streets away from The Blue Apple. “They followed him
outside, jumped him and beat the shit out of him. I’d not seen the kid in years
and then he turns up bleeding out in my fucking yard.” Mick shook his head,
flinching at the memory.

“Jesus.”

“Al
found out he was flunking university – threw him out, stopped his money…
Poor lad had nothing. So, I gave him a job and helped him get straightened
out.”

“But…
his dad pays for his flat and car and stuff now right?”

“Yeah.
Arrogant bastard didn’t like the idea of Jared living with me. Think he thought
Jared would end all contact with me if he gave him back his credit card. But,
we’d built a sort of bond I guess. He’s a good kid. I liked having him around.
So to prove a point Al reinstated everything except his school fees. S’pose he
still feels like he’s ‘the boss’ that way.

“Trouble
is, he doesn’t know his son as well as I do. Jared couldn’t really give a shit.
A red letter from student finance wouldn’t even blip on his radar. He knows
good ol’ Daddy would get him out of any serious shit. Sue would make him.

“Course,
he likes the fast car and the swanky fucking flat… and he’s not stupid. He
knows he’d have to work damn fucking hard to get all that without Al, so he
takes what’s on offer…But truth is, all the lad really wants is to be accepted.
He’s got this fucked-up idea in his head that these fits make him vulnerable
after what those bastards did to him. He’s ashamed of it. Never said as much of
course ‘cause he refuses to talk about it… but I know – because I know
him.
”

“So
he still has them?”

Mick
nodded.

“I
suspect that’s why he keeps disappearing on you. He gets a warning. Usually
wakes up knowing one’s coming… so he takes his sorry arse off home and sleeps
it off.”

“But
I don’t understand. Aren’t there any medications he can take? And how is he
still allowed to drive? Isn’t that dangerous?”

“He
shouldn’t
be driving. And I don’t
know about medication because he won’t see anyone about it. Thinks it’ll all go
away on its own,” he said brusquely, shaking his head in obvious annoyance.
“And the unwavering little shit won’t listen to a word I say.”

Well he
will
listen to what
I’ve
got to say…

“
The night I
found him,” Mick continued. “I called an ambulance before I even knew who he
was. Like I said, it’d been a long time and his face was covered in that much
blood he was barely recognisable. But he came round a little before they
arrived. Said my name. He knew I owned the place and had staggered over here
for help.”

“So
what happened? Is that what brought on these fits he has? The beating.”

“No.
He admitted afterwards he’d had a couple before. Right out of the blue. The
doctor’s patched him up and sent him home a few days later with his arms in
casts and an outpatient appointment with a neurologist. He never went.”

“But
why?
They could’ve stopped this years
ago!”
You stupid fucking idiot,
I
mentally blasted as if Jared was standing in front of me.

“That’s
something you’ll have to ask him. All I get told is to mind my own damn
business but I have a feeling he won’t use that line on you.”

“So
he doesn’t know why he gets them? Or even what they are? It just doesn’t make
any sense.” I shook my head – confused, dumbfounded and more worried
about him than I’ve ever been about anyone in my life. “Doesn’t he understand
he’s putting himself and everyone else in danger? He shouldn’t be driving for
God’s sake,” I rambled. “Jesus Christ, what is he
thinking
?”

“He’s
a stubborn bleeder. But he’s never had a reason to face this… until now. Until
you. You’re good for him. He adores you.”
And
I’m having a baby.
He has to sort this for his son or daughter’s sake. “I
think you could be just what he needs, because fuck knows he sure as shit
refuses to take notice of
me
.”

“So
you think he’s at home now?”

“Yeah,
I’d say so. I wouldn’t bother him just yet. He’ll either be out of it or
sleeping it off. Give him a few hours. He’s going to need a clear head when he
finds out you know about this.”

“You
know something, Mick? You’ve always come across as one of the most miserable,
bad-tempered arseholes I’ve ever met. But… you’re really not so bad are you?”

“Shh.
Don’t tell anyone,” he whispered, winking at me. It was in that moment I saw a
flash of Jared in him for the first time. It’s their eyes – they are the
same twinkling shade of green when they wink.

“Thank
you for telling me everything.”

“Someone
needed to.” Yeah – and it
should
have
been Jared. “Need a lift home? It’ll only take a minute for me to throw some
clothes on.” Don’t worry – he had a dressing gown on.

“No
really. You get back to bed or whatever you would usually be doing at this
time. I’ll call a taxi.”

“If
you’re sure.” Wow. People don’t usually back down so easily. It’s like they
feel this compulsive need to ‘care in the community’. “Do you want me to call
Jared? Give him a heads up?”

“No.
I think it’s best if I deal with him. But thanks anyway.”

“Sure.
Well, take care, love.” Mick walked me to the door and I left him to it. Then,
instead of calling for a taxi I made my way to the black cab rank around the
corner. I decided while riding in the back of it, I would make my doctor’s
appointment tomorrow and instead, got the taxi to wait outside my flat while I
nipped inside for my books and then headed to Uni.

Why
did life have to get so damn complicated? And why does it have to be at a time
I don’t have a best friend to share it all with?

Fuck
my life right now. Just… fuck it.

**********

“Hey,
baby,” Jared said with a smile that tickled my heart when he opened the door to
his flat. I made my way to his living room and he trailed behind after closing
the door. “I’ve missed you today,” he whispered against my lips before his
tongue attempted to tease its way into my mouth. I turned my neck, and he stood
up straight, looking concerned.