Law and Peace (42 page)

TopFirst told me to go stuff myself but then he added begrudgingly as he was leaving that he would consider it. He'll now have to talk to the in-house lawyer for the telecom company who was also in on the expert-tampering and get him to instruct UpTights in no uncertain terms as to exactly what to do.

 

 

Tuesday 23 September 2008

Year 2 (week 52): Pyrrhic victory

 

I received a call from TopFirst today.

‘You have yourself a deal, BabyB, but on one condition.'

‘What's that?' I asked.

‘That you never again contact TopFlirt.'

‘Agreed.'

As if he's going to be able to enforce that one, and hey, it doesn't stop her contacting me. Mind you, I'm not exactly seeking those sorts of complications any longer. His tone sounded very annoyed but there was a tiny bit of smugness smouldering away in the background and by the next sentence it was beginning to blaze through.

‘But you know, BabyB, it'll be a Pyrrhic victory at best since not only will you fail to recover your costs but OldSmoothie will be so annoyed with you that your red bag's as good as lost.'

This I already knew. Then to rub it in further he said, ‘And for your information, it didn't actually take much to sell the idea to UpTights, and after all of the kind things the in-house lawyer has said about me in the process I find it pretty unlikely that she won't be giving me mine.'

This I had also guessed.

‘So until I welcome you into chambers as my official dogsbody, it's
hasta la vista
, BabyB.'

Then he hung up. Now I have to wait until judgment day on Thursday for the offer formally to be made.

Later, I gave Blagger a call. ‘Listen. You know the money from the short-selling on the shares that were bought in my name and that of TopFirst?'

‘Certainly do, BabyB. It's all currently getting itchy feet in a couple of client accounts. What do you want me to do with it?'

‘Well, I know you're not going to approve but I want you to donate it all directly to a particular charity. Anonymously. Apart from TopFirst's original stake, that is, which you can send straight back to his account in a couple of weeks.'

I then gave him the details for the litter-picking charity that Tony and Dora had set up. Tempting as it might have been to keep it, whatever difficulties I'm in and whatever levels to which I've stooped this year, I will hardly make amends by spending the proceeds of crime on fixing my own problems.

 

 

Thursday 25 September 2008

Year 2 (week 52): Judgment day

 

Judgment day today and it started pretty well with a letter from the Bar Standards Board informing me that TopFirst had withdrawn his complaint. However, the letter had a sting in its tail informing me that this does not in fact put an end to matters because the Board will still have to consider whether or not to proceed, even in the absence of TopFirst's complaint. This is all pretty worrying because although the threat has diminished somewhat without TopFirst's accusation driving it, there is clearly a risk that an investigation may well ultimately lead back to me. The letter went on to say that a decision as to whether they would proceed or not would be made in the next few days.

In the meantime, I went off to court to discover that TheMoldies had organised a flash mob through Facebook and Twitter, thanks in particular to the popularity of Tony and Dora.

‘You'll never guess what?' Tony announced.

‘What?' I asked innocently.

‘Our charity just received a massive pledge from an anonymous donor.'

‘That's great news,' I said, faking surprise.

‘Now we'll really be able to clean up Britain,' said Dora, ‘as well as harnessing the power of so very many people who usually go unheard.'

The case had also made the front pages of a number of national newspapers – thanks to ScandalMonger – so there were probably well over a thousand pensioners standing outside of the courthouse waving placards and singing, ‘We'll meet again' and ‘We'll gather lilacs in the spring again', as if they were ready to fight the Second World War all over again.

As I'd arranged the previous night, Arthur and Ethel were both waiting at the entrance to the court and I suggested that we should perhaps go for a little breath of fresh air before we went in.

‘Of course, BabyB,' said Ethel, as we set off along the street, ‘only so long as you tell us what you've got up your sleeve.'

I smiled.

‘We knew there was something,' said Arthur. ‘As soon as you suggested the meeting.'

‘And just so you know,' said Ethel, ‘we can keep a secret.'

‘Well, there's only one thing I really need to say,' I replied. ‘And that's to wish you the very best of luck with the case. I'm sure it'll all turn out just as you hoped.' Then I paused before adding, ‘Though I would suggest that you keep within earshot of UpTights and OldSmoothie at all times. Oh, and you might want to have the others gathered and primed to make any decisions. Should a decision become necessary, that is.'

They looked at each other and grinned. ‘We've known all along that you'd sort it all out, BabyB. You're a good one at heart. We could tell that from the off.'

We then walked back to the court and met up with the others outside the courtroom. Then, just as we were all ready to enter and collect the judgment, UpTights came over and stood in front of Arthur and Ethel, and before OldSmoothie was able to shepherd her away, she made them the offer in exactly the terms I had demanded of TopFirst. To the letter and making it clear that the financial part was a repeat of a previous offer. All at full volume, too, so that even those Moldies whose hearing wasn't quite as good as it used to be would have been able to hear her loud and clear. As you might imagine, OldSmoothie went ballistic and Slippery followed suit. But by this point Arthur had taken charge and gathered the troops and they turned as one to face the two greedy ones, as Arthur said in no uncertain terms, ‘We'd like to accept the offer.'

OldSmoothie began to bluster, but Arthur interrupted him. ‘An offer it seems that had already been made some time ago.'

Well, that shut them both up. Their arms fell to their sides and like two naughty schoolboys they marched into court as if they were about to hand themselves over to the headmaster.

After the deal was done there was much celebrating outside of court. Ethel gave me a big hug and Arthur a shake of the hand and a pat on the back. Ethel said, ‘I'm so pleased you made them take down the mast, BabyB.'

Arthur smiled and then made way for Tony who was holding a pick-up stick in one hand and Dora's hand in the other. They were both wearing their yellow litter-picking bibs as, I now realised, were a large number of the other Moldies.

‘We've got older people following our lead everywhere now,' said Tony, proudly.

‘Cleaning their high streets the length and breadth of the country,' added Dora.

‘But best of all,' said Tony, ‘is that this whole thing has brought the most wonderful woman in the world into my life.' At which they beamed at each other.

Stanley was also there with his football under his arm. As I stood there, smiling, I suddenly saw TheColonel marching through the crowd towards me with his Springer Spaniel on a lead.

‘Well done, BabyB,' he boomed. ‘You've made Arthur and Ethel happier than I've seen them in a long time. I just wanted to tell you that I've shaped you a surfboard in anticipation of your winning today. I've just dropped it off with your very confused-looking clerks and I hope to see you in the sea very soon.'

He shook my hand and gave me a hearty pat on the back and I thanked him profusely. I was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed. Then, with the cameras rolling, who should appear out of nowhere but BigMouth the Tory MP – the man who had introduced us to TheMoldies in the first place. He strode over to Arthur, who was leading the Moldy group in the interviews, and put a proprietorial arm around his shoulders. Then he muscled into the interview, giving the following little speech:

‘Today we can celebrate English justice at its very best. This has been a tale of David and Goliath, in which the little people have emerged victorious. And I am proud to have been the one to lead them in these efforts.'

Honestly. Those were exactly his words, and he delivered them without even a flinch. OldRuin had come along to watch and he smiled at me in a way that suggested both congratulations on our result and also weary irony at the brassiest of brass neckedness certain politicians excel at. Then he whispered to me, ‘Let him have his moment, BabyB. Pride's the biggest weakness of them all and hubris its most dangerous side. Remember what someone once said about all political careers ending in failure, and when you live by the sword . . .'

At this point he was interrupted by BigMouth himself, who had finished his interviews and now came over to throw his arm around
my
shoulders. ‘Not bad for one day, BabyB. I save TheMoldies before lunchtime and also receive a letter from the expenses office confirming that I can avoid paying a single penny of tax on the sale of my second home. It seems I can simply flip it around to my first home. Who knew? Think I might go out and celebrate.'

As BigMouth sauntered down the courtroom steps, OldRuin smiled again and murmured enigmatically, ‘You remember what I just said about ending in failure? Well that end may come sooner than he thinks.'

Then he turned to me and said, ‘Well done, BabyB. I'm proud of you. You keep on following your heart and you'll never go far wrong.'

He looked over at TheMoldies who were still celebrating and added, ‘Look at them, BabyB. They're not teaching us how to die but how to live.'

OldRuin and I were joined by Claire and my mother, who had also turned up to hear the judgment, and we all slipped away from the crowd to celebrate over a quiet lunch. Whilst we were eating, I did just have one more work-related thing to share. ‘TopFirst will be smarting in a few weeks when he discovers that he didn't quite get the small print right on our agreement.'

‘What do you mean?' asked Claire.

‘Well, we settled all the claims that were registered with us. But it turns out that Tony never actually officially got around to signing up his own claim at the same time as the others. He just tagged along with Dora. But now he's leading a movement of Moldy litter-pickers who suddenly have some quite serious financial backing.'

I hoped no one noticed as I shifted a little uncomfortably in my seat as I said this. I continued, ‘And from what he told me today he'll be delighted to start a new action of his own. After all, Whistleblower's documents still point to the fact that the mobile phone masts are seriously damaging to people's health. What's more he thinks there'll be many more litigants who will come forward once the publicity kicks in.'

‘You crafty young fellow,' said OldRuin with a glint in his eye.

‘Oh, and he asked me if I could recommend any honest lawyers and of course, I just happened to mention you and Claire.'

As we made our way home that evening my mother commented, ‘I'm really proud of you, BabyB. Not just for doing the right thing by your lovely clients in this case, but also for all the work you've put in on OldRuin's hospital case. Despite everything I've said about your father, I always loved the fact that at the first whiff of injustice he would step up to the mark and you've got that quality in spades.'

 

 

Friday 26 September 2008

Year 2 (week 52): RedBags

 

‘I don't know what went on yesterday morning, BabyB, but you need to know that I'm not pleased. Not pleased at all.'

OldSmoothie emphasised each word ominously. ‘And as for your little bet over a red bag with TopFirst . . .'

I looked at him wide-eyed, astonished that he knew anything about it.

‘What? You think I didn't know. Come on, BabyB, this profession's too small for secrets. You should know that by now.'

Oh. I figured Slippery must have let, er, slip, or maybe UpTights made some passing remark after having been tipped off by the memo.

OldSmoothie continued, ‘Anyway, with a trick like the one you pulled off yesterday, you know where you can stick your little red bag? Stuff it right up there and forget you even dreamt of getting one, BabyB.'

‘But the clients were happy,' I protested. ‘We got them what they wanted.'

‘That's
never
the point, BabyB. We didn't get what
I
wanted, which was a big fat pay cheque to help me finance my increasingly expensive wife and the
SS School Fees
that she launched out into the ocean some years ago, and which seems to become more expensive to keep afloat every year that goes by.'

Oh again.