Law and Peace (25 page)

‘Flea. Come here at once,' she said as I entered.

The dog went bounding back to its mistress and jumped up on the sofa beside her desk.

‘Well, BabyB,' she purred. ‘Always a pleasure to welcome an upstanding member of the other half of the profession to my humble abode.' As she said this she rolled her tongue over the words ‘upstanding' and ‘member'.

‘The pleasure's all mine,' I lied.

‘Oh, come now, BabyB. You should relax a little. It's not as if I'm going to eat you, is it? I'm perfectly harmless, really, you know.'

‘I hadn't imagined you weren't,' I lied again.

Then it was down to business.

‘Look, BabyB. I've taken a somewhat hands-off approach to this litigation so far. Left it to Slippery to deal with in the manner only he knows best.'

I raised my eyebrows in a knowing way.

‘But his tactics seem to have failed us and so it's been passed along for me to sort out. Last chance saloon if you like.'

How appropriate, I thought. Smutton sitting alone in the last chance saloon.

‘Which is why I've asked ScandalMonger if he can get one of his clients to help.'

She then went on to explain that Scandal happens to represent someone who I'll call BrainWasher, owing to the fact that he is one of the world's leading experts on manipulating people's minds through the power of suggestion. She concluded, ‘Time to put him to good use on the judge's mind.' Then she added, ‘Oh, and I imagine that with all the money our firm has lent your mother, not to mention the professional conduct complaint you've already got against your name, you'll be able to see your way past any professional misgivings you might have had.'

 

 

Friday 9 May 2008

Year 2 (week 32): Full moon

 

Arthur was giving evidence at the trial today, much to the amusement of TheMoldies and their supporters who were tittering in the back of the court.

‘So what is it that your condition leads you to do exactly?' asked OldSmoothie.

‘Well I pull my trousers and underpants right down and I show them my bare bottom,' said Arthur.

‘And on what occasions do you do this?'

‘Whenever I get the urge, to be honest,' said Arthur.

‘Which would be when?'

‘Oh, whenever I think someone deserves it,' Arthur replied with a smile.

‘And when do you think they deserve it?' persisted OldSmoothie.

‘Oh, you know . . .' answered Arthur. By now it was clear he was deliberately toying with OldSmoothie who was starting to get exasperated.

‘Actually I do know, but it's for you to tell the court, not me. So perhaps you might elaborate as to when you think someone deserves to be, er . . .'

‘I think the word you're looking for is “mooned”,' said Arthur.

‘Quite,' answered OldSmoothie.

Picking up on OldSmoothie's impatience, Arthur turned to the judge, gave a winning smile and said, ‘Barristers, huh? They just ain't what they used to be.'

Barristers being the bane of this particular judge's life, Arthur had hit just the right note and the judge beamed back at him in agreement. Then just when things all seemed to be rosy, Arthur, who at this point was still facing the judge and therefore had his back to OldSmoothie, bent over and very quickly gave him a full glimpse of the dark side of the moon. TheMoldies at the back of the court signalled their rowdy approval and the judge tried to restore a little order with, ‘That's enough of that for today.'

Arthur smiled again and just said, ‘Sorry, my Lord. It's just he did ask what sort of thing led me to do it and all I did was show him. Now you get the full picture.'

‘Well quite,' smiled the judge, nevertheless charmed by Arthur's irreverent put-down of the fat pompous one.

 

 

Monday 12 May 2008

Year 2 (week 33): Unorthodox

 

‘Well, it's somewhat unorthodox, but I think it could be done. But tell me, BabyBarista, isn't it illegal to try and influence a judge in this way?'

BrainWasher had agreed to meet us at Slippery's office and he was voicing his concerns about Smutton's proposed campaign to bring the judge's mind around to our way of thinking. He was neat, trim and thoroughly in control but also looked as if he had a whacky side, which came out in his blue velvet jacket and loud purple shirt with a large collar which hung loose over a baggy pair of trousers. He clearly loved himself and when he wasn't rubbing his chin he was stroking his hand through his thick mop of brown hair.

‘I don't think there's a precedent against it,' I replied.

‘I see.'

‘And it's not as if we're going to be harming the judge in any way.'

‘No. Quite.'

‘Merely influencing him. Through subliminal messages.'

‘Yes. I see the point.'

‘Though it's certainly not something I'd want the other side to find out about.'

‘Hmm. I can thoroughly understand why that may be the case.'

‘So, do you think you can do it?'

He thought about it for a little while and then said, ‘If he sticks to the routine to and from work that you've described to me then I can certainly give it a go. I'll do some planning this week and aim to start next Monday.'

 

 

Tuesday 13 May 2008

Year 2 (week 33): Apple sauce and BlackBerry whine

 

‘Oh no, she's off doing her BlackBerry whine again,' said OldSmoothie at court today, as he pointed over to UpTights who was looking exasperated as she talked into her BlackBerry.

‘And I suppose that that means TheVamp over there is doing an Apple sauce,' said SlipperySlope, smiling as we all looked over to see her whispering her usual line in flirtatious innuendo into her iPhone.

At that moment BusyBody was walking past and she said, ‘I've always thought it so appropriate that the egotistical maniac that is OldSmoothie should have chosen a telephone that is named in such a way that it almost seems to have been invented for him.'

She pointed at OldSmoothie's own iPhone and then added, ‘I mean, it's definitely catchier than the “me, me, me, I'm a big fat slob phone” wouldn't you say?'

 

 

Wednesday 14 May 2008

Year 2 (week 33): Got a semi

 

I had a meeting with Smutton and BrainWasher today and whilst Smutton was called away to take a phonecall, I asked BrainWasher to give me some of the details he had already dug up about the judge.

‘What kind of house does he have?' I asked.

As Smutton came back into the room BrainWasher glanced in her direction and then replied with, ‘He's got a semi.'

Smutton was on it in an instant and looking straight at me she said, ‘Oh, BabyB. You've got a semi? I know I can have an effect on young men but so early in the day? I'm flattered.'

I blushed and started stumbling to explain. But before I could splutter out any words she added, ‘Though you'll have to do better than a semi, BabyB. You'll find that's about as useful as a chocolate teapot.'

 

 

Thursday 15 May 2008

Year 2 (week 33): Role play

 

Finally got a text from TopFlirt this afternoon saying that she apologised for disappearing and would like to meet up tomorrow evening. That is, midway through the trial. Despite the trouble she's caused and the difficulties she must know we're in, the text was actually a little flirty. But if I'm honest, maybe that's just my excuse. Because the judge had taken a break a little earlier than usual that day, and I'd been taken out for a very liquid lunch by SlipperySlope who wanted to get the full low-down on Smutton and BrainWasher and insisted on feeding me copious amounts of booze as a result. So when I arrived back at court I was already feeling a little the worse for wear. All of which might explain why I replied with a slightly fruity text saying:

 

Hey sexy, look forward to seeing you tomorrow evening and examining your particulars. I fear a bit of role play might be essential in teasing out all the details of the case. BB.

 

Which would have been bad in itself on a number of levels. But I realised it was far worse when I received a text back by return saying,

 

BabyBarista, I don't know whether this is some sort of litigation game on your part but I like your style. Where would you like to meet and what would you like me to wear? How about a superhero evening? UpTights

 

I went straight to my sent messages and discovered that instead of sending it to TopFlirt I had mistakenly pressed the next name alphabetically in my mobile phone's address book, and that just happened to belong to the wicked witch.

Oh.

But you know what they say? Desperate times call for desperate measures and you never know what information I might be able to gather. So, girding my loins as it were, I replied to UpTights:

 

10 p.m. your house. As for the superhero, we could have Cat Woman or Wonder Woman but I'd prefer to see you in a skirt. How about Super Girl? Your call for me.

 

To which I received an immediate reply:

 

You've always been my little caped crusader, BabyB x

 

So after re-texting TopFlirt, I now have a meeting with her at 7 p.m. tomorrow evening followed by a very frightening encounter with an ageing superhero at 10 p.m.

 

 

Friday 16 May 2008

Year 2 (week 33): Service industry

 

‘I hate clients,' said the junior tenant Teflon as he arrived back in chambers after an obviously hard day in court.

‘The world would be so much easier without them,' smiled TheVamp.

‘Quite right,' said OldSmoothie. ‘No more whining in conference, getting witness statements wrong and then complaining when they have to pay even when they've lost.'

‘And that's just the solicitor clients,' said HeadofChambers with a chuckle.

‘At least we don't have to deal with the lay clients day-to-day. It'd be a complete nightmare,' said TheVamp.

There was a lot of nodding and agreement on that one.

‘Perish the thought,' said BusyBody sarcastically. ‘Having to take phone calls and explain how the case is progressing and all. It'd be quite beneath us.'

‘BusyBody,' said OldSmoothie, ‘that's the most sensible thing you've said in all of your time in chambers.'

 

 

Monday 19 May 2008

Year 2 (week 34): Exposed

 

Well, what can I say about Friday evening? It was quite a night and that's for sure. First there was my rendezvous with TopFlirt. Thankfully she turned up and was very sensible and down to business.

‘I'm sorry I just disappeared, BabyB. I suddenly started to panic that I'd got in too deep, what with TopFirst's involvement, my mother and then this big threatening corporation. I just got so scared and went to stay with a college friend who lives by the sea.'

‘Yes, your mother . . .' I answered, leaving it hanging.

‘I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you, BabyB. I have to admit that it was one of the reasons I originally contacted you. I hated what TopFirst was doing on the case and wanted to see if I could garner any idea from you as to how I could help.'

‘But you didn't exactly hit me with particularly probing questions about the case,' I replied.

‘That's because I lost my bottle from the first time we met up. I didn't expect to fancy you.'

‘But why didn't you just tell me about it? I would have kept your secret.'

‘I really wanted to but that would have meant you working out why I contacted you in the first place and then not trusting me at all.'

Despite the tallness of the story and my added reservations due to the fact that she is still, after all, TopFirst's fiancée, I found myself believing what she was saying.

‘So what about WhistleBlower? Was that you?'

‘It was. I read through TopFirst's files and found a report on a lady who they were considering sacking after she'd threatened to blow the whistle internally on the damaging effects of their mobile technology.'

‘And you put her in touch with me?'

‘Exactly.'

‘So you can also put me back in touch with her now?'

‘I can.'